My child is merely average.

Parents Forum
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<p>are the only ones who merit a response; the rest of you are unable to compose a civilized message and have to resort to name-calling and attacking me for writing down my concerns about a child who has no areas in which she excels, areas that appear on the Common App, anyway. </p>

<p>First off, soprano and glad, I think you make good points about the value of health (both mental and physical) that I needed to read. Thank you. My brother had a nervous breakdown in his junior year of college, had to come home for treatment, after which he managed to return to school and graduate from college, but it was very difficult and it took him several years to get his bearings. Even after he graduated, he was in no condition to pursue employment or take on any number of challenging opportunities presented to him (graduate school, Peace Corps, and a job offer in his field of study). Finally he was able to slowly start a graduate program and get back to his old self, but it was a long road and mental health medicine was not as sophisticated as it is now. </p>

<p>dsc: it never occurred to me that grieving was an EC, but I see your point. I do feel that my D did as well as she could with her strengths and motivation and now that some of her schoolmates are receiving their EA decisions, it seems that a lot of them are not getting the news they hoped for -- and they ALL have higher grades and higher SAT scores than D. </p>

<p>My D was actually accepted to three of the schools out of the five to which she applied: she was not accepted at Tulane EA or William & Mary EA, but she was accepted to Bard EA; to Longwood University (rolling admissions) (an instate school); and the University of Montana. She loved Longwood when she visited several months ago and their financial aid award was very generous; I believe that she will fit in at Longwood just fine. She is very much an average teenager in the best possible way: I mean, she is just a breathtakingly normal person. She is not a computer genius; she is not dressed in black and looking for vampires; she does not go to Science Olympiad and win medals; she has never been arrested or in trouble at school; she is not extreme in any way. This weekend she wrote a research paper, went to a slumber party at her best friend's house, and shockingly, dusted off and played her viola at a wedding reception with a classmate who plays the violin. She is thrilled with her college acceptance and is looking forward to attending the orientation in June.</p>

<p>And I am happy that she is happy. </p>

<p>Since writing the first post of this thread, she was accepted to a few schools and chose one, so her college anxiety and mine has decreased notably. I have also read more of CC and realize that many of the posters here in all likelihood inflate or exaggerate their "stats"; my D is not a superstar or even an over-achiever, but she has made her college decision and is quite happy with it. </p>

<p>I thought she would grow up to be someone different. When one has a baby, one does not say, "I hope she'll grow up to be a normal, average kid." No, you think of astronauts and cures for cancer and Olympics swimmers and concert pianists. Everything and anything seems possible when they have you that tiny bundle. Then time passes and life happens and you realize that your kid is not the valedectorian; not in the Advanced Math Seminar; not writing a novel on that laptop you bought her (indeed, she is playing Halo for seven consecutive hours); not on the basketball/debate/field hockey team; not in the school play; not helping feed the homeless and certainly not helping around the home in which she lives. And that was my point when I wrote this thread -- my D did not turn out to be any of these things.</p>

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<p>Linda, Thank you for your explanatory post. It's wonderful to hear that your D is happy with her college choice, and that you are celebrating with her.</p>

<p>It's true that we all have high hopes for our children when they are born. We all fervently wish that they will be physically and emotionally healthy, and naturally we want so much more for them as well. Things never turn out to be just what we imagined they would. The trick is learning to roll with the punches and enjoy the good times.</p>

<p>H & I spent a "normal" afternoon with my D today at a museum. She was delightful to be with, and she even expressed gratitude for our parenting and dependability. You could have knocked me over with a feather. I hadn't expected this "good time" at all!</p>

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<p>As some of the more well meaning and tactful posters on this thread have pointed out, your daughter, in being normal, average, and happy with herself...especially while dealing with some difficult situations....is really a very high achiever. </p>

<p>And...I do have to respectfully disagree with a statement in your last post --</p>

<p>"....When one has a baby, one does not say, "I hope she'll grow up to be a normal, average kid." "</p>

<p>Actually, that's exactly what some of us said! If we get anything beyond that, it's "gravy."</p>

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<p>Thanks for the update, LC. And congratulations to your D! And to your family, too--finding a school that is a good fit AND that gives a generous package is like having chocolate cake AND frosting.</p>

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<p>Congratulations to both you and your D! I think you were very brave to be this open on CC, and thought your postings rang very true for many of us.</p>

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<p>I apologize that I didn't have time to read 21 pages of responses. I have 3 gifted older children, and I'm trying to figure out the 4th. Here are some random thoughts I have:</p>

<p>Odd thing about the 3rd is that He may be going off in a direction away from his unique gift. But, if that is what makes him happy, so be it. And I think that is the key. What will make the child happy over the long term. Is the violin player pushed by his parents to practice for 4 hours a day really going to be happy? The parent's may be, but what about the child? My first boss told me: Do something you enjoy, and you will succeed in it. My 2nd is such. She is pursuing one of her talents, but it is a talent that will be very difficult to support herself.</p>

<p>My 4th may turn out to be "average" like your D, not "outstanding" like the others. They may not be "gifted", but each has their "gift". By "gift", I mean what they enjoy and do best. I am gifted in math, but I couldn't draw a stick figure to save my life.</p>

<p>A college degree is important. As a boss, I've hired people with degrees outside their field. To me, the degree merely demonstrates a certain level of competence and work ethic. Even if she is a secretary with a college degree, she would then be one of the select few qualified to be the Administrative Assistant for the CEO.</p>

<p>Ever since I went to college, I have had the opinion: Do something you enjoy in college and get good grades (even if it is not a practical degree). That will keep the doors open for the future. When, and if, you decide to go to grad school, then do something practical. I had average SAT scores and ended up going to the state university where writing anything coherent would get you in. Fortunately they were top 10 in engineering, and I learned what I needed to know. Other than a few business classes and "how to think", I'm not applying much of what I learned in college (or grad school). </p>

<p>College is a life skill for her. When I went through college, we joked that a lot of the girls were majoring in "MRS" (finding a husband). 20 years later, I don't think that was such a bad plan. She is likely to meet people with more potential than the "average Joe". She will also have more to offer intellectually to a future husband. In other words, her potential to "marry up" is improved.</p>

<p>Cut your daughter some slack. Focus more on helping her be "happy" than "accomplished".</p>

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<p>To the OP--I have a niece at Longwood and she just LOVES it. And it's beautiful Va. horse country besides.</p>

<p>All the best to you and your daughter. As someone else pointed out, all things considered, she really IS a high achiever.</p>

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<p>
[quote]
"....When one has a baby, one does not say, "I hope she'll grow up to be a normal, average kid." "</p>

<p>Actually, that's exactly what some of us said! If we get anything beyond that, it's "gravy."

[/quote]
</p>

<p>Or heartache.</p>

<p>When I was pregnant I actually went through this exercise - what if I had a truly normal kid, nothing at all exceptional about him or her - average IQ, average looks, no athletic ability, no musical ability, average job potential (low level office, laborer), etc. I actually decided at that time that I would be fine with that. Because the alternative, to have a disabled kid, violent kid, mentally ill kid, etc. would be far more difficult.</p>

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<p><-- I never attacked, and in fact, could relate to some of your original woes. </p>

<p>Still.. glad that it's all working out. As they say, it'll be fine in the end. And if it's not fine, it's not the end. :)</p>

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<p>We had some friends a few years ago who adopted. I remember having a long conversation with the mom. SHe told me how the social worker said something to her along the lines of "Are you prepared to accept that the child you adopt may not be academically minded, like you are? COuld you still support and love this child if he ended up being a guy who fixes cars? a plumber? an electrician?" She was surprised by the question.</p>

<p>But I remember thinking that it was strange that you're required to think that through if you adopt -- but not if it's your own child. </p>

<p>I also do wonder from time to time about the ways in which parents exaggerate their kid's accomplishments (maybe it's all those christmas newsletters I just received).<br>
Quite by accident, I found out that a lot of things that an acquaintance had told EVERYONE about her child were not actually true. I wonder what it feels like to be that child -- to know that your mom is so unwilling to accept who you actually are that she makes things up. That would be a really hard thing to find out about your parents, I would think.</p>

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<p>OperaDad:</p>

<p>What exactly is a gifted child; you say you have three of them. And what is the fourth one called? Non-gifted?</p>

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<h1>301 almost made me cry. I didn't read all 21 pages either. But I think it's great that your daughter isn't attending some of these colleges that overinflated stat CCers are attending. There are a lot of people (at my school and according to other people here) who cheat through school, more cut-thoat in top classes. Guess what, if they get into harvard, they may become a lawyer, but they won't be a very good one. They won't cure cancer, and they won't be the first on Mars.</h1>

<p>It's the kind of person, rather than the school, that determines who does great things. Many people are late blooming geniuses (there's a secret), like the child geniuses who win science olympiads as a hobby, only much much better, like winning nobel prizes as a hobby.</p>

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<p>I'm having a hard time believing this epidemic of "gifted" children out there. It must be one of the most inflated terms in existence. Personally, I know a few (maybe 2 or 3) truly gifted individuals, but then I work in a creative field based based on meritocracy. Other than that, there are a lot of bright, competent, maybe creative (and able to put it to good use), vibrant, engaged people out there. But gifted? Not by my standards. I think this focus on "giftedness" is a red herring. When I look at the successful people I know in whatever field, whether professional or blue collar, it has nothing to do with giftedness and everything to do with competence, common sense, willingness, and yes, basic intelligence. I mean, so you get a Harvard MBA or law degree and you build a good solid career -- what does giftedness have to do with that? Of course there are different levels of achievement. But why is the IDEA, much less the term, "average" used or thought of in such a pejorative sense? </p>

<p>Sorry for the rant. This thread has brought out the worst in me. It angers me. I hate hearing parents peg their children as if it's possible to ever know the potential of any human being. As an eternal optimist myself, I am always hoping to surprise myself.</p>

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<p>LC, Isn't it great when they find a sch. they like that likes them back? Nothing else matters beyond that.
All the best to your D at Longwood.</p>

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<p>This thread makes me sad. It brings up two things for me. First, the father of my best friend from childhood died when she was 15. We're still good friends, and we still talk about it sometimes. To say was a significant, life-changing event almost seems to trivialize it. And second, I'm one of those many, many parents who did hope her child would "grow up to be a normal, average kid." Emotional intelligence means more to me than intelligence measured in other ways. Remember that your daughter hasn't "grown up" yet. She's just a senior in high school. Your list of what your daughter is not strikes me as an especially sad and negative way to look at life--not mean, or uncaring, or cynical, just sad. There's a whole world waiting for her, and wonderful things can happen as she explores it--"wonderful" on her terms. She sounds like a fine person to me. I am glad she likes Longwood, I wish both of you the best, and I hope you find ways to express your pride that she's your daughter.</p>

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<p>"She is very much an average teenager in the best possible way: I mean, she is just a breathtakingly normal person."</p>

<p>I've got one of these too. I just looked up Longwood.edu The place sounds lovely (and has a Theater Tech major for Happykid). It may be worth a drive-by sometime next summer.</p>

<p>Wishing you and your daughter all the very best.</p>

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<p>OP- I just had physical. My Dr. was merely average in HS; graduated from a college that nobody ever heard of and a State medical school. He was recently named "Physician of the Year" by a patient advocacy group in our region- and although I've never needed him for anything more complicated than checking my blood pressure, the stories that people wrote about him in the local paper were truly astonishing. It's one of the first times that the award went to someone who is not in one of the sexy specialties... he just shows up for work every day trying to heal the sick and cure the diseased. Not bad for an average Joe.</p>

<p>My family's religious leader was also average in HS. Also average in college, and most of the evidence suggests average during grad school and ordination. But I know dozens of families he has sat with as they mourned the loss of a family member- elderly parents, a teenager, a child who died much too soon.... and all of these people would tell you that he is indeed exceptional. He is the first phone call congregants make when a kid gets engaged or gets into college; he is the first phone call when a spouse is diagnosed with a terminal illness; he is the person who shows up at 3 am in the ICU when the family is too overwhelmed to digest the medical information which is required to make good decisions. He never set out to cure cancer, but a mom has to decide how much more chemo she can subject her child to.... he surely is changing the world with his calm and wise and empathetic presence.</p>

<p>Your daughter may yet have greatness in her; congrats to both of you for getting to this stage.</p>

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<p>That's a lovely post, blossom. And what you've said is true, I've found, as well. Compassion, dedication, drive and diligence can make a huge difference in the world.</p>

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<p>I love my kids' pediatrician because when my first kid was at 50th percentile for height and weight and I was thinking 'wow, he's just average' the pediatrician said 'wow, he's just perfect.' :-)</p>

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<p>Agreed, Jolynne. To use myself as an example, as a pianist I never had riveting-machine technique or nerves of steel. I could never make a living as a soloist. But I have a pretty good niche where I live as an accompanist to "little people"--children's musicals, wannabe singers, senior adult singing groups. I am dam good at playing what these people need in a way they can sing to, and helping them express the music that is in them so others can enjoy it as well.</p>

<p>I may be average, but I'm very good at it, if that makes any sense.</p>

<p>And besides that, I am more proud of being a good mother to four beautiful, (dare I say above average? :D ), lovely and good offspring.</p>