My child is merely average.

Parents Forum
381

<p>LindaC </p>

<p>Your daughter sounds so wonderful. We do need nice people in this world. I'm a "nice person," very sweet and easygoing. At 32, I was the youngest VP in our company! My relatives said "You? You're too NICE to be a VP!!" I just smiled.</p>

<p>Now I have my own business (working with children). I'm still "nice." My colleagues say "get tough, charge more, be more firm with your clients." However, I'm turning away business and children are dragging their parents to therapy. My cancellation rates are relatively low because the kids really want to be here. THey tell their moms "She's so NICE."</p>

<p>Some day, your D may make a huge difference in someone's life just by being who she is. </p>

<p>You're right - college admissions is brutal and it's forced upon 17 and 18 year olds who have NO CLUE what they want. There's no place on the application for "nice." Congratulations to your D on her admissions. I'd be really impressed with an essay about the Lion King. I once did an 8th grade paper on Walt Disney -thought he was a visionary. Everyone else laughed at my paper topic. They said, "Oh, what a NICE topic." </p>

<p>This post was written with a little bit of humor intended. I hope you get a chuckle when you read it, but realize that it's all true. Nice people don't finish last. Don't ever underestimate the power of NICENESS!!</p>

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<p>Your daughter is her own person. She may be average in school work, but her true talents lie in other areas. You should help her find out what those areas are. If your daughter is perfectly happy with herself, perhaps it's not she who has the problem but you. Let go.</p>

383

<p>LindaCarmichael: You said about your child, "You just never think, as a yuppie parent in the late 20th Century, that your baby is going to grow up to be average."</p>

<p>Here's the worlds' tiniest violin: + and it's playing just for you. Your daughter is many levels above you.</p>

384

<p>Linda, who trained your dog as a therapy dog? Did you hire someone to take the dog and train it or did you or your family take the dog to classes? How's it done and how long does it take??? Did the dog require Canine Good Citizen training first or some other obedience classes?</p>

385

<p>Despite her brutally honest words, she does have a point. No one wants to be average anymore. As a matter of fact being average in most respects does more harm than good because of our competitive society where only the best of the best get the truly lucrative careers and the wealth that comes with it.</p>

<p>In this economy the economic gap between the rich and the poor is getting wider and wider with the wealthy becoming a smaller percentage what seems like everyday. If you don't end up poor --- like the average person --- you might get stuck with a banal life and a soul-sucking job that you dread going to everyday. The sad truth is that everyone won't be able to follow their dreams and live their life in a way they aspire to. You won't be able to travel wherever you want, have all the privileges you want, or be able to provide the best quality of needs for your children.</p>

<p>Speaking of children, whether we like it or not, parents have expectations for them. I will probably get flamed for this, but I think that when parents say they love their children no matter what they are not being truthful. Seriously, imagine your child being like the person you hate the most or at least someone you find really annoying. Would you still love him or her? What if they decided to believe in the opposite end of your political, cultural, or religious beliefs that instilled into them? I don't mean merely disagreeing, but in such a blatant way that it irks you. Would you still like your child as much?
My point is that parents live vicariously through their children in some way. If you were high achieving yourself, wouldn't you want your children to do better than you did? This might sound coldly pragmatic and utilitarian but the biological essence of having a child is to leave a legacy or success or at least pass down their teachings.
That is probably why there are generations of certain careers in some families. Like four generations of doctors or five generations of cops. Maybe this goes back to ancient times where a boy was expected to learn his father's trade and any other option was unthinkable. Yet society is different now because we have more social mobility which to wanting to move up in the world. Everyone is desperately trying to grab opportunities that only a select few get and it is a vicious path with opportunism and Machiavellian antics abound. Sadly, life is not fair.</p>

<p>If you've read this far (Wow, you're mentally strong) I would like to end this by saying that I don't want to be right. If someone wants to tear my thesis to shreds you are more than welcome to do so. I'm just an anxious little girl who thinks too much. I just don't see how I am wrong about this. It would be nice if the world was like Lake Woebegone, but the sad truth is that we're nowhere near that.</p>

<p>P.S. Sorry if I make no sense. It's 1:14 AM and I'm ready for bed.</p>

386

<p>TA3021 - you are very right. We do have very high expectations for our kids. At some point, we accept them for who they are, and we do love them no matter what (really). As children grow and develop, so do parents. We learn to accept the fact that junior is not a "chip off the old block" and that junior does not share all of the beliefs that we tried to instill in him. </p>

<p>I think the OP's original intention was to say, "Guess what, my kid is average. She's not a top student. She's not a straight A student. So what? She's a great kid and she will also go to college." </p>

<p>I'm a speech pathologist. Several years ago, a mom called me and said, "my child isn't talking. He's almost 3 and I'm worried. All my neighbors' kids are 'gifted' and my kid isn't even talking." Now we all know that all the neighbors' kids are not "gifted." That term is used way too loosely these days. If the US had a nickel for every time a parent said "my child is a straight A student" the economy would be fixed!</p>

387

<p>Ta3021..I want my kids to be happy..period. I find it sad that any parent would want any more than that. Too many think we are put on this earth to accumulate the most material things possible. That is not what life is all about. Quality time with family should be the most important thing, I feel sorry for those that don't see this.</p>

<p>In regards to not loving your kid because of his views?...I find that ridiculous.</p>

388

<p>
[quote]
I think that when parents say they love their children no matter what they are not being truthful.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>You think wrong here. I don't have to like everything about another person to love the person. I'm absolutely crazy about my kid, even if he's doing something I don't like, even if he doesn't live the way I do, even if he doesn't believe what I believe, and so on.</p>

<p>He is a different person than I am, with not only different DNA, but with influences that are different from what shaped me as a person. His family is different, his abilities and opportunities and schooling and society are different, so of course he will not grow up to be a clone of me. Sure, I have expectations for him, and they are that he grow into the best version of himself as he can, that he feel free enough, and has the resources and education and opportunities, to be who he wants to be. (And it seems at the moment that who he wants to be is a gifted B student!!)</p>

389

<p>owlice: post of the day award</p>

<p>geeps: very close 2nd.....and given that, would it make your child happier to double in math or do his best one math at a time? fwiw, when given the choice, my D chose the latter and decided that she didn't think she should go to a college that required she finish calculus in HS; too competitive for her.....we'll see if she changes her mind and decides to do a math the summer b4 senior year to catch up......</p>

390

<p>I married and dearly love my husband though he and I fundamentally disagree about many things (including cancelling one another's votes in most elections). My kids and also disagree with one another and with dad, but we all love one another. Still, we want each other to be "the best we can be," whatever we choose in that regard. It has nothing to do with money (tho being very poor can be uncomfortable) but a lot to do with following one's interests & passions and letting them evolve.</p>

<p>My kids learrn what interests them, whether or not is is what is being taught or what the teacher wants them to learn. My S has been known to read the text AFTER the class has ended for the term--irritated that it was not covered from end to end. My D loves and pursues her interest in European musicals and self-studies German and Hungarian as the spirit moves her. This gets her NO credit in school as it does not relate to any courses she is enrolled in but makes her happy and keeps her and friends engaged. It is what they want and we encourage them, even when we don't understand them all that well and they are sometimes hanging by their fingernails in their required coursework. It's all about unconditional love, allowing people to become who THEY want to be rather than whom we might envision.</p>

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<p>"and given that, would it make your child happier to double in math or do his best one math at a time"</p>

<p>no work at all would make him the happiest..lol As a Frosh, he doesn't know...he's depending on his parents to know what is best for him at this point...that's why I posed the question.</p>

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<p>Re Therapy Dog</p>

<p>Our local SPCA offered a class one afternoon for certification. The first part was a walk through of what your dog had to do (sit, shake, come when called, stay when off the leash, and such), and the second was the test. It was conducted on a downtown city block, perhaps in part to see how the dogs responded to other people. At the end, we got the Canine Good Citizens' form which I sent in to the Therapy Dog Assoc along with (I think) vet info and TB test for humans.</p>

<p>My dog went to a puppy class, but she was very good and did not need any extended classes or other training to get her Canine Good Citizen certificate or Therapy Dog card.</p>

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<p>HIMom:</p>

<p>Those are rather esoteric, intrinsic pursuits. My concerns are quite different. </p>

<p>Let's begin with some updating.</p>

<p>D is currently hanging on by the skin of her teeth in half of her classes. I am worried she may not graduate from high school. </p>

<p>The majority of her gifted friends did not get into their first or second choice colleges. D had been feeling even worse, being surrounded by people sending applications off to Stanford, MIT, various public Ivys, and Cornell, but so many fine students she knows were rejected, that she is rather relieved about her decision to commit to a college (her safety) a few months ago. I do hope they will take her.</p>

<p>Still, I am not sure she is an academic type person. Certainly, unlike HIMom's kid, she is not reading a book after the class has ended. She doesn't do that. And loses a lot of the books anyway, so. She has no hobbies aside from her computer games, right now anyway. If she had 24 hours to do whatever she wanted, she would play computer games. So many of you tell me that she has some special gift -- well, your kids are playing the piano, studying for their 10th AP exam, taking their black belt exam, or even applying for summer school to get ahead in coursework, so of course, you think everyone has a special gift. I do not. I am just hoping that D is able to find some sort of work that will provide a decent income for her. </p>

<p>We do get along. That is not an issue.</p>

<p>What IS an issue is that when I talk to D, I find myself very unhappy. Is this because D is somewhat unhappy and stressed as she tries to pass her classes in order to graduate? I actually feel guilty. She is busy with Govt homework and studying for English, and I am watching American Idol and looking over some paperwork. I don't know how to put this nicely, but she is just a heavy presence in the room. I find that I am not able to help her much (I have not said anything about her horrible grades) [my brother purchased airline tickets for his entire family to come to her graduation so Lord, let's hope she graduates or he will be out 6 round trip tickets) and I did not, per the advice given to me on CC, say a word about her unspectacular report card.</p>

<p>I really do not know, perhaps, how to change our relationship now that she is older. Now that she is older and has so many problems, problems that I cannot help her with nor solve and, to me, seem to be problems she brought about herself. </p>

<p>It's like one of those friends who have so many problems, that you don't want to be around them.</p>

<p>Mind you, these are not problems like drugs or truancy or pregnancy or boyfriend-girlfriend drama. Her problems are her grades (lack of interest in the subjects) and her general inexperience in the world. </p>

<p>I know that many of you think I am a rotten parent, so for those of you who believe that and wish to pound your keys to tell me so, you can save yourself the effort. I am looking for anyone who has had a similar experience. All I can say is, the first 16 years were quite easy, and the 17th has been a horror show. I am sorry to say that I am not interested in spending much time with her as she makes me feel so depressed.</p>

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<p>if it makes you feel any better, we are having the horror show year with my DD this year as well. she is 15 and in 9th grade, so hopefully things will turn around before too long and in time for her to repair her dismal GPA.</p>

<p>i think all kids go thru this to some extent. just the timing s different. and the timing for your DD is the worst.</p>

<p>hopefully things will turn out ok.</p>

395

<p>
[quote]
It's like one of those friends who have so many problems, that you don't want to be around them...Mind you, these are not problems like drugs or truancy or pregnancy or boyfriend-girlfriend drama. Her problems are her grades (lack of interest in the subjects) and her general inexperience in the world...

[/quote]
</p>

<p>You need help. You refuse to get it. You're the parent, it's your responsibility to work on this but you'd rather just keep pretending that you don't know why it's such a burden for you to have to be in the same room with your horrid daughter who dares to lack life experience.</p>

<p>Look at it this way, soon she'll be gone so you'll be able to watch tv in peace. And I really hope she does graduate so she can get out of your house, not for your sake but for hers.</p>

396

<p>Shouldn't we rather ask ourselves why the OP is still posting here after 27 pages of insults? Her latest post is a brilliant recap of all the remarks most likely to get responses such as pugmadkate's.</p>

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<p>
[quote]
I am looking for anyone who has had a similar experience. All I can say is, the first 16 years were quite easy, and the 17th has been a horror show. I am sorry to say that I am not interested in spending much time with her as she makes me feel so depressed.

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</p>

<p>I had similar feelings about one of our children when he was exactly the same age. Dealing with his apathy towards high school and general behavior problems wore me down and I remember feeling resentful that with all we had done for him, he was doing so poorly. He barely graduated from high school. Seven long years later, he has turned out fine. In retrospect, the most important thing we did was to not give up on him. That turned out to be more important than any specific thing (therapy, testing for ADD, which he seemed to have, special tutoring). </p>

<p>Honestly, there were times I wished I could just walk away. It was such a drag, dealing with this recalcitrant, uncooperative kid. But we had no choice. And neither do you. Do you really want to walk away from your daughter when she needs you most? Are you only willing to mother her when she is being a model, "easy" daughter? </p>

<p>
[quote]
I don't know how to put this nicely, but she is just a heavy presence in the room.

[/quote]

She probably feels the same way about you.</p>

<p>The biggest challenge for me was the growing resentment I felt and the attendant urge to turn away. At times I felt such rage at the way he held our family hostage. That's the way I perceived it at the time, as if it was willful behavior on his part, and in a way, it was. </p>

<p>You may want to talk to a therapist of some kind about your feelings of disappointment in your daughter. That might be the best place to focus your energy, rather than look for solutions to her problems.</p>

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<p>bela and Mike, thanks for the feedback. In no way did I mean to imply that I am walking away from my daughter. I believe I have been overly involved in her life and need to allow her to make some choices of her own. I am sorry that she is so stressed at a time when she should be enjoying her last months of HS. Since I cannot help her with her classes, all I can do is try to engage her in conversation about things in her classes that interest her. I encouraged her to plan for a summer job that she expressed interest in, and she set up her own interview and followed through with that. She is not particularly sullen in a hostile way; I don't know how to define her "heavy presence" but it seems like her classes and tests and homework are like albatrosses about her neck that she must drag around with her. Just, you know, a perfect storm of too much work, too much reading, too many tests and such. I asked the school to modify her schedule but they refused. So I backed off. It is difficult to do nothing while she tries to tread water.<br>
pugkate: I PMed you to ask for more specific information regarding your comment to me.</p>

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<p>LindaC, it sounds like your D might be depressed.</p>

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<p>LindaC, It sounds like there is just too much suffering going on in your house, not just garden variety sadness that people somehow slog through, but something more. Your D's heavy presence and her not being able to get through her last year of school, even though she is clearly bright enough to do so. Just the unhappiness that emanates from the posts. It's been going on for a while and it sounds like it's getting worse. This isn't meant to sound patronizing, but will you for petesake please consider taking yourself and your D to a really good therapist to see if you can both start to feel lighter and better. It isn't getting better on its own and it would be great if your D could get a handle on this and start moving past it before she goes off to college. Her blowing it in school and withdrawing from activities beyond mostly video games is not about being average. Please get some outside support.</p>