My child is merely average.

Parents Forum
121

<p>On target, Calmom.</p>

<p>I guess the OP is not a troll, though that was my first reaction. It is just hard to believe someone could post on an online forum that their child is "dumb." Then again, I thought about some of the competitive parents of my acquaintance, and it made more sense.</p>

<p>I want to bring back up the parent's death when the daughter was a freshman. I fully believe that this event, while it may not seem that way to the OP, may be influencing everything that has gone on since. My own father died when I was in eighth grade, and the choices I made in academics, in life and in boyfriends over at least the next 10 years reflected the pain and grief that lingered. </p>

<p>I did work very hard in high school and had top grades and very good ECs, for the time. My mother was mentally absent for the college selection process but I probably could have had my pick of selective schools, had I exerted the initiative. I had a good scholarship from a local company and the support of my teachers. Instead, I veered toward smaller, less demanding schools in an area of the Midwest that struck me as quieter and more old-fashioned than the congested, go-go suburban area where I lived. While I didn't really consciously think of it that way at the time, it is clear to me now I was still healing and shying away from a more competitive, risk-laden, somewhat scary environment. Again, the decision was all mine and that's what I did. </p>

<p>It was a wonderful place for me, and I had the time to grow up and mature more slowly than I might have had I gone to a different school. The key word here is time. I still made many mistakes in my personal life as the years went on, but I like to think I've learned from them and wouldn't repeat them, and things began to shift by the time I was 24 or so. Professionally, I have had a degree of success. </p>

<p>Has the daughter had grief counseling? Has she been encouraged to talk about her father, with you or other friends or relatives? Simply because the death happened three years ago does not mean it's over and done for her.</p>

122

<p>Having experienced the death of my father at an earlier age than the OP's daughter, I can tell you that this is indeed a major event that could be affecting her in subtle ways that no one would guess. I am still in need of grief counseling at age 50. That is a separate issue from the "average" child "problem"--which is not a problem AT ALL. We are so pressured as parents to have super star children, and it's the children who suffer. </p>

<p>In my opinion, learning to find the thing that you love to do is more important than succeeding in the fake realm of grades and scores and extra curriculars.</p>

123

<p>"I want to bring back up the parent's death when the daughter was a freshman. I fully believe that this event, while it may not seem that way to the OP, may be influencing everything that has gone on since. "</p>

<p>It's important to realize that death is also continuing to have a large effect on the OP, and may be why she's even blaming herself for having a D whom she views as "dumb".</p>

<p>I believe the OP is probably even harder on herself than on her D.</p>

<p>I hope the OP gets some grief counseling because I think that would change her perspective on both her D and herself.</p>

124

<p>Dad II at least has a partial excuse - he is from a culture where academic achievement, even at the expense of personal happiness, is valued above all. And he doesn't quite "get" that here in the United States, going to an Ivy or a top 10 school, while certainly a laudable achievement, is not the difference between billionaire and do-you-want-fries-with that, and that many fine and worthwhile people get fine and worthwhile educations from "lesser" schools. </p>

<p>Judging by the name, I suspect the OP doesn't have a comparable excuse.</p>

125

<p>"I am not saying there is anything wrong with my child, rather, I am speaking of the realization that after 18 years of educational toys, enrichment classes, and college prep curriculums, what I seem to have is a person who might be better off enrolling in a vocational program than a four year university degree program."</p>

<p>If your daughter SAID I really want to be a plumber / electrician / pastry chef / hairdresser / child care worker, then yes, she might be better off enrolling in a vocational program. But she hasn't said those things, has she? She appears to do reasonably well in her studies - why wouldn't you assume that she'll find something of interest in college or afterwards and go from there?</p>

<p>Parenthetically, I DESPISE the trend where 15, 16, 17 yo's have to have deep and abiding passions that they've excelled in to be considered worthwhile.</p>

126

<p>According to CC standards, my S is too average. His GPA is 3.68 and SAT scores not great.
He is, however an above average son, friend, and listener! He is also probably an above average procrastinator as well!
I think he turned out just fine, even if he is just average! :)</p>

127

<p>Since I think we're almost certainly dealing with a troll here -- what adult has so little insight that she actually uses her name to disdainfully disparage and dismiss the accomplishments of her admittedly kind, decent and recently bereaved daughter, not realizing how other adults will perceive her? -- I'm going to be a bit less forgiving than I might otherwise.</p>

<p>I'm with Kate, who wonders why other posters are treating the OP as if she were a regular mother, as if her tone and the things she is saying about her child are somehow OK. I am particularly concerned that teenagers on CC will read this thread and think that the OP is somehow revealing the secret life of mothers: that we look down upon and excoriate our children behind their backs, laugh at them, and think them incapable of professional careers or of accomplishing anything we associate with success (and don't tell me the OP is presenting plumbing etc. as acceptable careers; in her book, they're for "kinda dumb losers") unless they are "Harvard material." </p>

<p>CC students: The woman depicted by the OP, to the extent that she exists, is clearly someone with personal issues that distort her perceptions of her child and with values that the majority of parents here do not admire. Most of us prize, as we should prize, our children not for their viability as an Ivy candidate or because they took such great advantage of all those oboe lessons that now they play at Carnegie Hall (although it is easy to get caught up in that sort of a mindset here on CC), but for their kindness, their characters, their sense of humor, their hopes and dreams, their faith, their quirks, their strengths and their weaknesses, the hundreds of little things about them that make them who they are. And no, if you get a 3 and not a 5 on your AP exam, or if you are having a really hard time with math and don't want to take the most challenging math course at your school, your moms are not secretly sneaking off to CC to ***** and moan that you are worthless losers destined to swell the ranks of some profession she doesn't admire. We worry about you and we want you to be successful, but the fact that you didn't win Intel or make honor roll or whatever accomplishment you didn't attain doesn't make you a loser, a bad person, less lovable, less loved, or less worthy of respect by normal parents. </p>

<p>For many of us, given the amount of power to nurture or devasate a mother has over a child, the harsh, negative, almost cruel attitude that is depicted by the OP is not only troubling but from a moral standpoint, does not show up in the good or even the acceptable column. What would Jesus or Hillel or whatever morally authoritative figure you admire do? Certainly not relate to a lovely young lady who recently lost her dad, who is a good friend, a kind person, tries hard in school, and is enthused about helping others as if she were less than acceptable and an unworthy recipient off all the opportunities for high-achieving success that had been thrown her way, not even worthy of attending any of the (pathetic and undistinguished) colleges that might accept her. Surely not disrespect and condemn her.</p>

<p>The issue is not that the OP's daughter is academically in the top 20% of students so the mother shouldn't think of her as average. What if she actually were academically average? The fact is, the mother's tone of revulsion, the way we can see her lip curl and her nostrils flare in disgust at the thought that her daughter could actually be eligible for a merit scholarship, could actually be seen as desirable, at one of the "colleges that change lives" is vile. </p>

<p>Many parents of academically average and below average children have posted on CC expressing concerns about their children's college prospects and careers. Sometimes parents of all kinds of children come onto CC sharing frustration and diappointment. Sometimes they wonder if their children have enough moral backbone, or perseverence, or motivation. But I don't think I've ever seen anything like this here -- the tone,the disdain, the pseudo-objective labeling of the child as a loser. It's painful to read.</p>

128

<p>I don't think LC is a troll -- nor do I think she is foolish enough to be posting under her real name (just because it is a real sounding name doesn't mean its her actual name). She has a fairly active posting history in other threads -- and has been participating for awhile.</p>

<p>I know from other posts that her daughter has been deferred from Tulane, and that news arrived right before she started her thread here. So my guess is that mom viewed Tulane as a safety and the news has set her back. </p>

<p>My own daughter was deferred from an EA school and waitlisted at another college that had a modified early notification plan (promising a Feb 1 response) ..... so I remember feeling pretty discouraged around mid-February. </p>

<p>My guess is that LC and/or her daughter are in a competitive environment and there is too much comparison going on with daughter vs. peers. I think D. has an unexpected deferral when the mom had anticipated an easy early admission in hand and hopefully some merit aid. So now the mom has been hit in the face with reality -- and unfortunately she focused her disappointment on her daughter rather than the external issues of the college admission process.</p>

129

<p>I think sometimes it's best not to read CC period. In this case, it's very damage to one self-esteem, which I think is the most important thing that you should instill in a young person. Confidence is really key to your child achieving things in life.</p>

130

<p>Perceptive, Calmom. Very perceptive.</p>

<p>For some reason, OP doesn't bring out the venom in me. Let's face it. It can be really hard to wrap your mind around the fact that someone that came out of your body can't come close to being admitted to schools such as the ones you attended.</p>

<p>This college application process is hard. Really, really hard. It is hard for me, and I still have my husband around. OP doesn't have that support. That OP may have bought into the hype ("Put your child in this pre-school/enrichment program/private school and she will excell!!!") only makes matters worse and makes the need for emotional support that much greater.</p>

<p>One purpose of a place like this is that you can vent, get it all out, reveal your fears, show your darker side, shall we say? Maybe doing it here helps OP hide some of it from her daughter.</p>

<p>I have a hard time beheading any parent trying to get through this INSANE process, so I hope OP finds a way to cope.</p>

131

<p>Oh, my, Tulane is no safety. It has become incredibly popular in our area and many high-achieving kids apply.</p>

132

<p>Actually, I remember seeing her post. It wasn't that she expected her daughter to get in -- it was something like "my daughter was also deferred. I'm not surprised!" That was disturbing. It's one thing to think that your child doesn't have much of a chance, it's another to verbalize it.</p>

133

<p>calmom, I think you nailed it. (post #128) </p>

<p>I'd been thinking the same sort of thing, but couldn't articulate it. I've also wondered if there are other relatives, coworkers or friends (no older siblings, correct?, so maybe cousins? neighbor's kids?) who might have had recent success in admissions and OP is struggling with comparisons and/or having to talk to relatives/friends about revised expectations for D's college plans.</p>

134

<p>It is painful when your child hasn't received the acceptances and merit offers you expect and those around all appear to be having those early successes. The added perspective is helpful.</p>

<p>Hopefully the student applied to other "match" and "safety" schools which will be a good fit for her and welcome her to nourish her talents.</p>

135

<p>Linda, My son was deferred from a private school, but he was admitted RD and he still received a nice merit scholarship (and I do mean a generous scholarship).</p>

<p>If you go back and reread old posts, you will see a thread called, "10 year old cars and IRAs will I even get any aid". This thread shows the real financial concerns that parents have, and the real concerns of a single parent. I still believe that much of the OP's comments were to think out loud and rationalize the possibility of a less expensive route than a 4 year college. If the OP is a troll, these are still real concerns of some parents.</p>

136

<p>If the OP lives in Northern VA (she has said she's in-state), the atmosphere is extraordinarily competitive and an 1800+ and 3 APs may feel very average. It is a blessing and a burden to live in that part of the country: some fabulous schools, and some horrendous competition. It is difficult to keep a sense of perspective in these parts. However, I will report the happy news that one of our neighbors just got into Pitt (a target/match) and his two safeties with numbers similar to the OP's D.</p>

<p>Tulane was inundated with apps last year and did not expect it; it has become more competitive and and popular. If OP's D was deferred there, the usual rules for deferred applicants apply: kepp those grades up, let them know of your continued interest and see if the regional admissions officer can give some specific on ways to improve the app/subit more info.</p>

137

<p>BTW, a Tulane question ... I have one child interested in there, and I anticipate he will be reasonably competitive for entry. No direct legacy, but multiple relatives have attended (5 of their aunts / uncles). Will that matter in any way whatsoever, esp insofar as if admitted, he will attend?</p>

138

<p>OP you are dead wrong. I met a kid the day before Thanksgiving. He is 23 barely graduated from high school and has a learning disability. He wants to attend the local college in the area. I told him I would help. He told me nobody had ever offered him any help they just shuffled him through his rural high school. He is above average just because he is willing to try.</p>

<p>My son is a year out of college in the tire business. He defines an excellent employee as someone who is on time most days and can read a work order.</p>

139

<p>To those who can empathize with the OP, you mean her feelings of insecurity and anxiety about her child’s future, right? Please tell me you don't mean her low and horrible opinion about her child: </p>

<p>"she is a bit of a loser…why did she turn out this way?....but she is hopelessly awful at it…does anyone else have a child who turned out sort of dumb? …. her drawings look like a four year old did them….no special talent, no special expertise, it is almost laughable…. her reach exceeds her grasp…. my student is not particularly sophisticated, rather very simple…. and yes, not dumb in that basic skills elude her, but so many things need to be explained…..I once asked her to draw a holiday card for our family and the finished product was unusable…. my student could never gain entrance into an engineering program, much less pass the courses….NOT creative…a few of them told my D she was eligible for Presidential Scholarships (which is scary -- if she represents the higher level)….a laughable 1830… her current senior yr includes 3 AP classes and she is pulling her weight in them which is astonishing…. "</p>

<p>This isn’t a set of posts that says “I’m worried my child won't get into a top school because here are her stats." This is a set of posts that says "I have feelings of hatred, disdain and loathing for my child." </p>

<p>I can't imagine the home environment of a child who has lost one parent and now is raised by another who could think, let alone write, these judgments about her.</p>

140

<p>OP, please remember that this is CC. This is the forum where I recently read a parent say that their kid was grounded for getting 3 B+'s on their mid-term report, and not a single other poster responded that that might be a bit unreasonable! I find that to be more outrageous than your comments about your D. I can empathize with your feelings, which may come from spending too much time on CC (and don't we all....). CC is not reality. Most kids on this forum are top 5% or exaggerating to look like they are. </p>

<p>My D is good at several things, but she's not a superstar in any of them. She hasn't taken a single AP course yet (she's a junior), and next year she MAY take 2, one of which will be Studio Art. She had a C+ on last marking period's report card, and I didn't ground her. Like your D, my D's strengths seem to be with her inter-personal skills. She is great with her friends, reads people well, and these skills will serve her well in life.</p>

<p>Average is ok for a teenager. They're still a work in progress. Average = normal. As long as she is happy and healthy, you're doing a good job as a parent. She'll go to a college that fits her grades, and make friends, and hopefully figure out what she wants to do. And maybe she'll decide to major in nursing (excellent career potential, btw) or leave school and go to cosmetology school. As long as she's happy with her life, it's all ok.</p>

<p>Blossom's responses are wonderful. Blossom, I fall at your feet and hope to absorb a little bit of your wisdom!</p>

<p>My advice - be careful what forums you wander into on CC. Try the B+ Parent's thread. Or stick to the Cafe, and non-college subjects. Or maybe the Meta-thread, to poke a little fun at all of ourselves who are obsessed with "prestigious" colleges.</p>