My child is merely average.

Parents Forum
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<p>starbright,</p>

<p>I feel sad for the poster and don't think she REALLY believes these things. I agree with cindysphinx that she came on here to vent: "One purpose of a place like this is that you can vent, get it all out, reveal your fears, show your darker side, shall we say? Maybe doing it here helps OP hide some of it from her daughter." </p>

<p>Haven't we all had days when we say, "Ugh, I could kill him/her!" about our kids? Do we mean it, literally? No.</p>

<p>I guess I just prefer to think the best of posters until they give me a reason to think otherwise.</p>

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<p>Agree with youdon'tsay - although the posts are still very upsetting.
Venting is understandable. But there's really not all that much privacy here.
A word to the OP: you have posted many pieces of info on this board and there's a chance that your privacy is at risk.
What school you went to. Where you live. Where your daughter applied to. And more.
Be careful what you post. Would you want your daughter to read it?? It's not out of the question.</p>

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<p>This forum is the last place the OP needs to be if this is the way she views her daughter!
Her posts are very disturbing. </p>

<p>To the OP- It may seem like all the other kids have more going for them than your daughter, but you really aren't seeing the majority of the population. There are thousands and thousands of kids at wonderful (but perhaps non-elite) colleges that are going to have rewarding careers. They may not figure out what interests them for a few years- or even until AFTER college. So what? One of my closest friends in high school wasn't a very strong student (which your daughter does seem to be). She got accepted to Ithaca College and discovered a passion for working with kids. She has had a long career as an Occupational Therapist and is one of the kindest, gentlest people I have ever known. Average? Loser? Failure? Not in my book!</p>

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<p>
[quote]
Try the B+ Parent's thread.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>Even on a thread about B+ students, parents with students that I would not consider to be B+ kids post. When a kid has a 3.8 and has 4APs+ and a 2030 that is a student who is not in the B+ range to me. A student who has a 3.3-3.6 uw and is taking one AP and/or a couple of honors classes is a true B+ student to me, and would probably be more likely to score anywhere from a 1600-1900 on the SATs, with some percentage scoring a bit higher or lower.</p>

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<p>You're the problem.</p>

<p>I honestly thought your post was a joke.... "merely average" - get a life.</p>

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<p>This is the most depressing thread I've ever seen.</p>

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<p>I agree about the B+ thread. Alas, my son no longer has straight As, but I don't feel welcome in there as some of his stats are higher than what the OP was looking for. And yet, he's not the superachieving, summer-researching, cancer-curing, Carnegie Hall-playing superstar found on CC either.</p>

<p>Maybe I should start an A- Parents thread. :)</p>

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<p>Why do the "depressing" ones get so much attention?</p>

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<p>Youdon'tsay, my younger son is doing so much better this year, I may join you on that A- thread! :)</p>

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<p>Youdon'tsay, I am so glad that you agree with me. Sometimes I just roll my eyes feeling that some people who post there, really do know that their child is not a B+ student, but they feel the need to boast, or to be patted on the back and be reassured that their child is more like an A- student for a "feel good moment". Oh, and please do start that A- thread. :)</p>

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<p>^^how about the reality that a B+ student is really a 3.3 on a good day? Like I said in a different thread, I will start an "average kid" thread when D2 starts the process next year....for right now, I'm just compiling a list......</p>

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<p>OK, I think I will post my $.02 on the subject.</p>

<p>LindaCarmichael,</p>

<p>I think you've had a tough time in life with the loss of your husband and I think that you may not realize how it colors your relationship with your daughter.</p>

<p>I think a parent's first reaction after the initial shock of losing a spouse is the protection of the family unit and especially the children. A natural and noble instinct.</p>

<p>Linda, you've exhibited that from your first postings about trying to manage college on a very small income and a fixed sum of money (that I would assume you see as your life savings). </p>

<p>You've also done an excellent job, from what it sounds like of protecting your daughter from the insecurities resulting from the loss of her father. She sounds like a reasonably well-adjusted young lady who is living an average high school life - friends, a few activities. She takes some rigourous classes and seems to be passing them. You've haven't mentioned any behavioral or medical issues, so I will assume she is fine on those counts as well.</p>

<p>90+ percent of American families would be absolutely thrilled to have your daughter as their own. I know I would.</p>

<p>She is fine. Unfortunately, I think you may still be dealing with issues from the loss of your husband and it has negatively colored your view of your daughter.</p>

<p>With your limited income, I'm sure you worry about your daughter's earning potential. You don't want her to be stuck in the same vulnerable place you feel yourself to be in.</p>

<p>And you want her to do everthing in her power to get a career that will keep her from ever being vulnerable. Unfortunately, on the college admissions scorecard, she doesn't seem to be maxing out her potential. She dropped varsity tennis. She doesn't see the essay possibilities in her own experience of losing a father that you see (I'm guessing that would be a better essay in your book than the Lion King). You seem frustrated at her lack of urgency in doing things to better her college resume.</p>

<p>Yet I bet she gets very little feedback in this matter, if I am guessing correctly. If she did, I would bet that she would display more insecure behavior. You seem to indicate that she is unaware of these thoughts you have. You know that they would only hurt her to hear them. You are protecting her from your insecurity about finances, but you aren't dealing with those feelings yourself.</p>

<p>I understand your feelings about financial insecurity. While I haven't had the loss that you've had, I've been laid off 2x in the past 8 years and may well get laid off from a job that I though was a permanent career in the next year. I worry about what careers my children will select and wonder if their naivete will lead them down the same type of path I followed.</p>

<p>I said earlier that I would love to have your daughter as mine. In many ways she is like mine (average as you would put it). She is not burdened by the insecurities of the real world. While she has an EC that may (or may not) result in a preferrable college admission, other than that she will probably measure up similarly to your daughter. She does not know what she wants to do in life, but doesn't let that weigh her down. That also leaves her with out a strong drive to excel in any particular subject, probably like your own daughter.</p>

<p>Yes, I'd love to see her choose a direction, put her head down and generate that heroic effort to achieve something notable. Not gonna happen anytime soon.</p>

<p>I've come to accept that. And if I do lose my job, it may cost her that final year at a prep school and that college hockey dream. She knows that too, yet it hasn't changed her approach to life. Young kids are kind of strange that way. The ability to live in the moment is a blessing to the young in these circumstances. While us old folks fret about what might happen, they are more concerned with the immediate - a much more productive state, believe it or not.</p>

<p>What I am getting to here Linda (in a long winded way), is that you need to worry about fixing your feelings about your situation and stop projecting your feelings onto what your daughter should be feeling about her situation. She's going to be OK. It is you I am worried about.</p>

<p>While I don't know the specifics about your financial situation, I think that if you have a good financial advisor (whom you trust) who has a solid, detailed, conservative plan for you, it will go a long way in helping you deal with your own insecurity and allow you to give your daughter the freedom to try and possibly fail.</p>

<p>OK, I could be all wrong here, but I do mean no ill will towards you Linda. I only hope for the best for you, as I see so many similarities that I can identify with.</p>

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<p>I would like to hope too that she is venting and I'm am quite wrong. I've seen TONS of venting on here but never what seems like this. Venting is usually "I could kill her!" or "I'm so frustrated!" or "man I feel let down". Or "this has me so sad/worried/upset" or "I'm never going to do so and so for him again!" . Those are expressions of emotion. She is not describing or venting her feelings at all. She's very matter of factly, in various posts over time, describing her child in the most disdainful, derogatory and insulting way. And there is no time boundary here. She's not saying, "today I jsut realized" or "looking back, I now see..." This seems to be her longhaul view of her child, not just her child this month but over many years. </p>

<p>Do you guys really find this normal!? Would you really decide your child's drawing isn't good enough for the family and remember to tell that story years later? Would you really think your child's attempt to retake and improve the SAT by a 100 points laughable rather than say at least they gave it their best shot? </p>

<p>I agree she may be seriously depressed and its clouding her judgment, but I don't believe for a minute that someone who harbors this kind of perception of their child can avoid the impact on their kids.</p>

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<p>^Wow, maybe I'm the crazy one. I think I need to stop coming to this board....entirely the wrong planet.</p>

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<p>Starbright -- Count me among the population of your planet, starbright.</p>

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<p>Linda, just a thought: didn't the Lion King lose his father at a early age? IMH, her choice of essay is probably much more topical than you imagined: she is desperately trying to reajust and find her place and is hoping for the happy ending</p>

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<p>Gee whiz, it's HER essay.</p>

<p>Write your own $#@% essay if you think you have it in you, and submit it to a magazine or something.</p>

<p>You need to have nothing but praise for your D's essay.</p>

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<p>Btw Lafalum, I agree with everything you said; Average does mean normal, despite the super agressive posters who think it's a deadly insult.</p>

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<p>I thoroughly agree with goaliedad, and think his post conveyed important points in an empathic way.</p>

<p>I agree that it sounds like both the OP and her D (a perfectly normal student to be very proud of) are still grieving the father's death. I hope that the OP will get counseling, something that is available low cost or free from clergymembers and nonprofits if money is a concern.</p>

<p>Based on the OP's post, there is every evidence that the D is actually a very normal college-bound student, who is above average in terms of her achievements and maturity. For her D to have done so well despite the death of her father shows her maturity and resiliancy. It is tragic that her mother can't see the many good things about her D, but I attribute that blind spot to the mother's own response to her husband's death.</p>

<p>The more that people here can respond with empathy and compassion, the greater would be the chance that the mother will listen to us, change her perspective of her D, and get the help that she needs. The fact that the mother posted here indicates that she is concerned and wants help.</p>

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<p>Count me in the group of average. My kids got their PSAT's yesterday and I have to confess, I sort of expected (not to their faces, of course, just in my head) that they'd be in the xx range. Well, they weren't. My kids are good students, all A's and the occasional B, and take honors courses, but each of them has an area in which they don't take honors (son is more a humanities type, dd is more a math/science type). They are in various activities that interest them and dd is in a sport, but they aren't winning state championships in their sport or entering science fairs just for fun or raising thousands for charity or being student council president; they're doing some things they like to do at levels that don't also interfere with their ability to just hang out and chill with the family, too. Their teachers think "nice kids" but aren't necessarily thinking "OMG, these are academic superstars, the likes of which I've never taught before." But that's OK. </p>

<p>I do confess that when I saw the PSAT scores (they are sophs, so it doesn't count) I thought to myself wow, I thought they'd be higher. Then, after about a minute's worth of "huh, how 'bout that" in my head, I said, "Hey, good job, gang!" and went on with making dinner. It is what it is. Maybe they won't attend the level of U that dh and I were privileged enough to attend. And then what? The world won't stop revolving on its axis. They'll find their way and be productive members of society and do just fine, of that I have no doubts.</p>

<p>Now, I <em>could</em> go the route of pressuring them, though their grades are generally as good as they can be without having them become study-grinds. They take their grades seriously and try their best; that's enough in my best. I <em>could</em> immediately sign them up for PSAT prep and ACT prep and SAT prep and all the rest. I could sweat it. But ultimately, they have to own it all, not me. It's the hardest part of being a parent. They aren't five years old, when if I wanted to <em>make</em> them do something I had the power to do so. They need to find their own way and their own interests, with my support as needed to facilitate. They have more than enough opportunities and they know it. But I can't turn them into academic-superstars-starting-new-businesses-and-winning-tennis-championships-and-wowing-the-teachers-and-winning-Intel if they don't have that in them right now. And it's OKAY not to have that all in you when you are 15, 16 years old.</p>