My crazy USC entrance essay

Colleges and Universities A-Z University of Southern California
1

<p>My English teacher gave this assignment to write an entrance essay of a college that we will be applying to. My choice is the University of Southern California. Knowing my teacher, he'll love it, but I want someone else's opinion.This may/may not be the essay I send in.Keep in mind, this is only my first draft, and yes, this really did happen. Any criticism is welcome. Personally, I think the essay "has ADD". I've also taken out any names, with the exception of my school name.</p>

<p>USC’s speaker series “What Matters to Me and Why” asks faculty and staff to reflect on their values, beliefs, and motivations. Presenters talk about choices they have made, difficulties encountered, and commitments solidified. Write an essay about an event or experience that helped you learn what is important to you and why it is important.</p>

<p>We’ve all heard the popular question “If you were to die tomorrow, how would you be remember?” . The real question should be “How can you actually apply this thought to your life?”. Everyone remembers people how have had a positive impact, like Martin Luther King Jr., John F. Kennedy, and Mohandas Gandhi. People even remember people who committed terrible evils, such Adolf Hitler, Ivan the Terrible, and Joseph Stalin. But no one remembers a carpenter who lived 600 years ago, because he didn’t have an impact. The point being that after you die, all that really matters is how the world will remember you.
Less than a year ago, for an unexplained reason, a thought comes into my head “I’ve been on this earth 16 years, and I haven’t done a thing with my life. What impact have I made? ” Over the next few days, I thought about how I could make an impact on the world around me, mainly my high school of St. Thomas Aquinas. I really tried to get involved from that point on. I donated blood, I acted in the school play, but perhaps the wildest thing I did was run for senior class council.
For many people, listening to class council speeches is a boring task. Most people already know who they’re going to vote for even before the speeches. Not many actually really listen to speeches, because let’s face it, everyone says something along the lines of “I’ll do a better job of organizing the food drive” or “We’ll win homecoming if you vote for me”. It gets to the point where no one can tell who gave what speech. I decided that this wouldn’t happen to me. I was going to make people remember me.
Two days before the actual speeches were to be given, we had to hand in a final copy of the speech we were given to make sure it was appropriate. When I showed my copy to the teacher in charge of Stucco, he looked it over, gave a laugh and asked “So you really want to give this?”
“Yup”, I said. “I want people to actually remember who gave what speech when they’re voting.” He approved it and two days later, the time for elections began.
On the way to the auditorium, people wished me good luck and telling me how much they were looking forward to my speech. I gave a very nervous thanks to everyone, and climbed up the stage with the other candidates. The executive student council president, called up the candidates alphabetically to give their speeches. “Name”, my legs turn to jello. “Name”, I think “I can’t do this”. “My name”, I’m going to throw up. Then I hear my friends 1 and 2, along with many of my other friends yell out “My name!”. I am B Rabbit*, I will win over the hostile crowd.
I step up the stand, now filled with confidence, adjust the microphone, and start my speech-Before I can go forward in the story, for those of you who are not seniors at St. Thomas Aquinas, let me assure you, the following is what I really said:</p>

<p>(Scottish accent)
“Sons of Scotland [everyone explodes into laughter], I am William Wallace, and I see a whole army of my fellow countrymen here to fight a rule of tyranny. You have come to fight as free men,- and I don’t know where I’m going with this. Obviously, I’m not William Wallace or Mel Gibson, and this isn’t Braveheart…..”
I continue on with my speech, now with everyone’s full attention. As I make point after point, the cheering gets louder and louder. Finally, the ending comes:
And you may vote for other candidates, and they will do alright. But lying on your death beds, many years from now, would you be willing to trade all the days, from dhis day to dhat [everyone laughs again] for one chance, just one chance, to come back here and vote for a great class officer. And remember that they may take our lives, but they’ll never take OUR FREEDOM!.
Everyone stands up and cheers. I feel like a god walking among mortals as I walk back to my seat, victorious.
The rest of the week, everyone comes up to me, commenting about my speech. Even the principle, tells me that that was the best speech he’s heard in class elections. My history teacher wrote on the back of my final that he’ll never forget my speech. Recently, someone told me that there was a drawing the school’s basement wall about my crazy speech. I will definitely be remembered at Aquinas even after I graduate; so now, the question is no longer “How will I be remembered and make an impact at Aquinas?”, but “How will I be remembered and impact USC, and how will I keep impacting and being remembered by the world?”</p>

<p>*B Rabbit is Eminem’s stage name in the film 8 mile. At one point in the movie, he must “battle rap “ to win over a hostile crowd.</p>

2

<p>Interesting…though I’m not entirely sure that the motivation to ‘be remembered’ will impress, but that is merely my own subjective opinion. Perhaps amend it with the spin of desiring to be unique/original rather than the self-serving ambition to be remembered? Then again, it is a primary human desire, to be remembered, so it might be okay.</p>

<p>It’s principal, not principle. The B Rabbit allusion doesn’t add anything to the essay. I’m also not sure if the narrative style is quite appropriate, though I do suppose that it will be refreshing from the standard essays that most people turn in, so if you’re willing to take a chance, go for it.</p>

3

<p>I’d advise against. There’s some rule of thumb about keeping the readers attention and this didn’t work for me.</p>

4

<p>Well, thanks for the feedback. The girl who corrected it for errors liked it, though she did say that I lost focus at some points. I still have to hear back from my teacher, who’ll be handing essays back Wednesday (October 6th). I don’t think this will be the essay I send in, simply because it’s too “ADD”. For anyone following this thread, this is what I handed into my teacher:</p>

<p>We’ve all heard the popular question “If you were to die tomorrow, how would you be remember?” . The real question should be “How can you actually apply this thought to your life?”. Everyone remembers people who have had a positive impact, like Martin Luther King Jr., John F. Kennedy, and Mohandas Gandhi. People even remember people who committed terrible evils, such Adolf Hitler, Vlad III(you may know him as the real Count Dracula), and Joseph Stalin. But no one remembers a carpenter who lived 600 years ago, because he didn’t have an impact. The point being that after you die, all that really matters is how the world will remember you.</p>

<p>Less than a year ago, for an unexplained reason, a thought comes into my head “I’ve been on this earth 16 years, and I haven’t done a thing with my life. What impact have I made? ” Over the next few days, I thought about how I could make an impact on the world around me, mainly my high school of St. Thomas Aquinas. I really tried to get involved from that point on. I donated blood, I acted in the school play, but perhaps the wildest thing I did was run for senior class council.</p>

<p>For many people, listening to class council speeches is a boring task. Most people already know who they’re going to vote for even before the speeches. Not many actually really listen to speeches, because let’s face it, everyone says something along the lines of “I’ll do a better job of organizing the food drive” or “We’ll win homecoming if you vote for me”. It gets to the point where no one can tell who gave what speech. I decided that this wouldn’t happen to me. I was going to make people remember me.</p>

<p>Two days before speeches were actually given, we had to hand in a final copy of the speech we were given to make sure it was appropriate. When I showed my copy to the teacher in charge of Stucco, he looked it over, gave a laugh and asked “So you really want to give this?”
“Yup”, I said. “I want people to actually remember who gave what speech” He approved it and two days later, the time for elections began.</p>

<p>On the way to the auditorium, people wished me good luck and telling me how much they were looking forward to my speech. I gave a very nervous thanks to everyone, and climbed up the stage with the other candidates. The executive student council president called up the candidates alphabetically to give their speeches. “Name”, my legs turn to jello. “Name”, I think “I can’t do this”. “My name”, I stand up from my seat, thinking that I’m going to throw up. Fear has overrun me. Then I hear my friends 1 and 2 yell out “MY NAME!”. This causes everyone around them to start cheering. I will win this battle.
I step up the stand, now filled with confidence, adjust the microphone, and start my speech-But before I can go forward in the story, for those of you reading this who are not seniors at St. Thomas Aquinas, I assure you that the following is what I really said:</p>

<p>(Scottish accent)
“Sons of Scotland [everyone explodes into laughter], I am William Wallace, and I see a whole army of my fellow countrymen here to fight a rule of tyranny. You have come to fight as free men,- and I don’t know where I’m going with this. Obviously, I’m not William Wallace or Mel Gibson, and this isn’t Braveheart……”</p>

<p>I continue on with my speech, being serious now that I have everyone’s full attention. As I make point after point, the cheering gets louder and louder. As my excitement grows, I prepare for the ending:
And you may vote for other candidates, and they will do alright. But lying on your death beds, many years from now, would you be willing to trade all the days, from dhis day to dhat [everyone laughs again] for one chance, just one chance, to come back here and vote for a great class officer. And remember that they may take our lives, but they’ll never take OUR FREEDOM!.</p>

<p>Everyone stands up and cheers. I grin as I walk back to my seat, victorious.
The rest of the week, everyone comes up to me, commenting about my speech. Even the principal told me that that was the best speech he’s heard in class elections. My history teacher wrote on the back of my final that he’ll never forget my speech. Recently, someone told me that there was a drawing the school’s basement wall about my crazy speech. I will definitely be remembered at Aquinas even after I graduate; so now, the question is no longer “How will I be remembered and make an impact at Aquinas?”, but “How will I be remembered and impact USC, and how will I keep impacting and being remembered by the world?”</p>

5

<p>I only read the first one, and the impression I get isnt amazing. Be remembered? Put it in a positive light, don’t focus on your quest on the limelight. Also some points went to distract me, but I read all of it so :)</p>

6

<p>Epilogue:
Well, incase anyone is following this thread, this is NOT the essay I sent into Southern Cal. Even though this was an exciting moment of my life, I felt I needed to be more serious when applying to colleges, so I sent in an essay about writing, and the impact it has had on my life. I let a friend look it over, and he agreed that it was a much better essay.
My teacher liked the “Braveheart” essay, and gave me 99/100 (one point off for a grammar mistake). =]. I would also like to thank anyone who gave constructive criticism.</p>