<p>My D is a rising senior at a small college prep. She's bright, funny, a great kid. She's got a very short attention span, it has been said she's probably slightly ADD by her physician Aunt, but I've never had the testing done, because I don't want her to be labeled, or use it as a crutch. This year she decided to take on an independent study project as a Pass/Fail. The grade shows up on your transcript, but is not factored into your GPA. She was translating some Spanish Poetry that had not been translated, with the idea that it might be published. I saw the list of deadlines at the start of the semester, and regularly inquired as to how it was coming along. She would get so angry at me and tell me that she was on track, when I knew she wasn't. She finished the translations, but didn't get her project reviewed by a board, which netted her a big fat F. Of course, I am devastated. She got five A's and one B in the rest of her honors courses. Her wonderful guidance counselor says she needs to write an essay explaining this F, tell what happened, what she intended to happen, etc. My question is, how do you explain failure without making excuses? And how can I make this a positive learning experience for her without making her feel like her college future is over, which is truthfully how I feel sometimes. I know that's extreme, but this is the first time we've had to deal with an F, and hopefully the last time.
All advice is appreciated.</p>
<p>I think it's nice that you are helping your daughter but SHE got the F, not you. In my opinion, she needs to pose the questions above to her guidance counselor. She should also talk to the person running the independent study. If she completed the translations, perhaps she can schedule a board review now. But SHE needs to advocate for herself.</p>
<p>I do not think she will have to make excuses. Yes, this is a learning experience in academic balance and focus on her part. She was doing something totally new to her and lost her way. She should take responsibility and state what she has learned from the experience in how it will shape how she will handle new academic experiences in the future. She is really a step ahead of her peers, since most bright students go through this during their freshmen year in college, thus she will be more mature in this respect than the average applicant. No, her academic future is not over.</p>
<p>I would first say get her tested. Disabilities don't have to be a crutch, it all depends on how you present it. In the right light, a disability will show the hardships your D has overcome and what a great/determined person she is. But if she is ADD, then anything you say will seem much more like an explanation than an excuse.</p>
<p>Why didn't she get her project reviewed by a board? That should be part of the explanation. I would suggest (but then I've no experience with this) to begin the essay by writing something akin to the words of "I fully take responsibility for my actions and do not intend this essay to be an excuse. Rather, it explains what happens and I will leave judgement up to you." I saw something like this before and it really showed how mature and responsible the person was. Good luck!</p>
<p>Thanks for your insight. It's hard to cut the strings and not try to smooth over every rough patch. It's so hard! She's my only, and I am a single parent, so I'm probably over involved, and finding it very difficult to pull back. I want her to have everything I never had, and that's a heavy load for anyone to bear. Your words of encouragement and advice are greatly appreciated.</p>
<p>jaesmom - you don't have to be a single parent to worry about where the line is between helping, supporting and being over-involved or, on the other hand, letting them sink or swim on their own too soon. We all try to stay on the right side of that line, but sometimes wonder if we are too far in one direction or the other. Just a word of support, as I know I would have just the same worries as you.</p>
<p>I'm imagining that part of the problem was that the Independent Study put her in the position of making her own structure, something that - as mizo said - will put her a step ahead of her peers. If this was the problem, or part of it, her essay could discuss how she jumped off this cliff of independent academic work perhaps a bit too soon. And, what she has learned from it in terms of how she would handle this kind of freedom and need to set her own structure in the future.</p>
<p>we are all worried single or not. Today's almost calls for over involved parents given the complications of admission and graduation from college.</p>
<p>The story seems a bit odd to me. Usually if one is working on an independent study, there is an advisor involved with whom one keeps in touch. Especially since your daughter is in a "small college prep" it seems strange that those involved just gave her an "F" with no warning. If she was keeping in touch with her advisor and told her she was having trouble completing the work, I would think the advisor could have suggested an "incomplete" until your daughter finished the work and presented to a board. I think part of the lesson learned should be how to handle a situation in which one becomes overwhelmed. Usually communication is key, rather than keeping things to oneself. Maybe your daughter can write about this in one of her essays.</p>
<p>Her college future is not over as there are plenty of colleges that she could go to despite the "F." My concern, however is Ithat her "F" on an independent study indicates to me that she doesn't yet have the maturity and sense of responsibility to handle a 4-year college, which would require her to work independently.</p>
<p>t may very well be, however, that your D is not ready to go away from home to a 4-year college, and would be better off going locally to a community college where the professors will be more nurturing and will push more than they would at most 4-year colleges.</p>
<p>It also may be that your D could benefit from taking a productive gap year -- working fulltime or volunteering fulltime in a program like Americorps -- while paying rent so that she can mature enough to handle deadlines.</p>
<p>My S, 18, who just graduated from h.s. is similar to your D, and is taking a gap year doing Americorps Vista instead of going straight to college. He also has some ADD, but heck, so do I, and I know that it's possible to get good grades despite having slight ADD. What matters is one's motivatino.</p>
<p>My S who was very disorganized in getting work in during h.s. is now working a job that he loves, and is doing things early -- because he's motivated. My hope is that the job will show him the importance of getting a college degree, and he'll eventually go to college and be motivated enough to make deadlines. Because of his senior year grades, H and I have told S that we will not pay for his first year of college nor will we structure him to do his college apps. He can use his own money to pay for the first year of college (which basically means that he'll do it in our town), and if he gets a 3.0, we'll pitch in to help with the rest.</p>
<p>S is very thrifty with his money, and I think that our setting these kind of guidelines on our contribution will help him take college seriously. I doubt that he'd spend his $ and then flunk a class because of not making deadlines.</p>
<p>Communication is indeed the key. D tends to keep things in instead of communicating freely. She did have an advisor, and the feedback that I got from her is that she did talk with the advisor, and she would tell D to meet her deadlines as she could, that the deadlines set out in the instructions were not drop dead dates, but had some leeway. That equated in D's mind to the final deadline not being a drop dead date either, even though I told her school is out, grades are in, how do you think you can get a passing grade on this when you haven't had your review? I also know that she did send in the drafts, etc. to the advisor, b/c she used my email. I've tried to get across to her that if you go by what is set out for you in black and white, you have documentation. People can say things right and left, but in the end it comes down to what is documented. A gap year is something that might be beneficial to her, but I believe this is a good learning lesson for her. We'll see how she does this year. She's taking some AP's, and also "independently" with some help from a great friend who has taught at the college level, taking a math class over the summer so she can test out of it and move up to the next math. We'll see how that goes.</p>
<p>My advice that comes from experience with one ADD and one ADHD S and from being ADD myself is to give your D a chance to take responsibility for her college apps.</p>
<p>If you find yourself reminding her about deadlines, having to force her to consider what colleges to apply to, etc., that's a big sign that she doesn't have the motivation or organizational skills yet for college. She can be college material, but still too immature, unmotivated and disorganized her h.s. senior to likely have the skills to be a success in college if she attends right after senior year.</p>
<p>Gently, but firmly let her know early about what you'll financially provide if she doesn't go straight to college or goes straight to college and doesn't get reasonable grades. And keep in mind that whatever happens, there are some kids who do turn around once they're in college. There are others who need a gap year or two before they're ready to college. Even others may need to pursue a career track that is vocational, not academically oriented.</p>
<p>That's so strange that you should mention that. Right before school was out, I was diligently planning a summer college tour trip. I drove the guidance counselor crazy with emails and phone calls. He suggested I put it in D's hands. What with the end of school, camps, etc., it kind of got put by the wayside. I've noticed now that she has been talking more about applying to colleges, even plans on working on some apps over the summer. She has for her bedtime reading material all the college viewbooks, etc. that came in the mail that day. When I got home from work last night she was on the computer looking up scholarship information. All this after the F. Maybe this couldn't be the worse thing in the world to happen to her, and I say that facetiously because I well know that this is minor compared to the problems that many people are facing right now.</p>
<p>Set up a meeting with the project advisor and guidance counselor and see if completing her project over the summer can raise her grade.</p>
<p>Midwesterner, that's a great idea. She talked to the advisor, and completing the project was mentioned, but I think she was scared to ask if it would raise her grade because she didn't want to hear the reply. She will be talking to the guidance counselor also, who mentioned that he sat in on the meeting where it was decided not to pass her, and who recommended that she write the essays. I think talking to them together is a good idea. Whatever happens, she definately will be completing the project, with the panel review. The F may not come off, but the project will not be a failure.</p>
<br>
<p>If you find yourself reminding her about deadlines, having to force her to consider what colleges to apply to, etc., that's a big sign that she doesn't have the motivation or organizational skills yet for college. </p>
<br>
<p><em>applause</em></p>
<p>COuld it be that this was a project she thought would be easy, and it turned out not to be so easy? That she was afraid of not doing a great job, so didn't do much at all?</p>
<p>She may be great at Spanish, but translating poetry I would imagine, would be difficult, understanding it in the same language is often tough enough</p>
<p>So as her to be really honest with herself...there is no shame in saying, yeah, this was a lot tougher than I thought and probably should never have taken it on</p>
<p>And that does not mean she is a bad student, obviouslly from teh rest of her grades, she is a good, hardworking student</p>
<p>Sometimes, we get too ambitous- take a look at my mis-sewn skirts, etc</p>
<p>If her heart isn't into this project, she needs to think about the value of doing it AGAIN, if much was actually done in the first place</p>
<p>SHe needs to be honest with herself, and not wanted to hear the reply is natural, but she needs to figure this out.</p>
<p>CGM: You beat me to it. That was going to be my exact comment.</p>
<p>"Set up a meeting with the project advisor and guidance counselor and see if completing her project over the summer can raise her grade."</p>
<p>If this is pursued, i think the D should do the work of setting up the meeting and figuring out the options. I think it's fine if the parents let D know about this possibility, but the D needs to have the guts/interest to follow through. She also needs to realize that she blew it, and as a result, the teacher has no obligation to take on more work so your D can raise her grade.</p>
<p>ANd if she is going to set up a meeting, there should be some work to show for it, she should have at this point 90% ready to turn in</p>
<p>She has to be really honest with herself and figure out WHY the work didn't get done...only then can she even hope to finish it</p>
<p>Because if she doesn't figure that out, she will once again fail at it</p>
<p>These are all great points. We have a weekend trip to Chi-town on Friday, just us, so we'll have lots of time to discuss it. Hopefully she'll open up and I'll find out what's really going on.</p>