<p>I don’t think the op should feel guilty for " pushing" her D into the state flagship. Especially a flagship like Umass. umas is uniquely situated in a consortium with 4 equally excellent small LACs. Supporting “an investigation” of transfer possibilities is reasonable. After giving other schools a cold look the D may choose to stay at Umass and keep her honors scholarship.<br>
Priorities
1finish term with strong GPA.
2make plan for text term at umas. (Class at smith)
3investigate transfer possilities over j term.
I’d jump in the car and go see her. (Leave the relative she cries to over phone and the contract demanding husband at home) bring a sweater from home or cookies or something. Take her out eat off campus. Let her talk. Listen. Tell her you are very proud of how she’s handling this disappointing situation. Lots of smiles and hugs. </p>
<p>OP- not that you asked- your son may not be ready for college when he graduates from HS and that’s fine too. Lots of kids take gap years to grow up a bit or get a better idea of what they want to study once they do go to college. I don’t think the correlation between private/perfect is quite as neat as you think it is however. There are likely many private colleges where your son could be miserable, and many public colleges where he could have a terrific experience. Depends on what his interests are and what he wants to study, etc.</p>
<p>Changing schools is not going to be the solution to this problem (there are way too many components). But, I will say that, as a mom of a die hard NON drinking daughter, there are ways to get around the drinking culture at all colleges, especially the larger ones. My D has searched out other kids of her same mindset. The school also has a alcohol free zone with food on Friday nights (one of the least visited places on campus) where students can go and hang out. I am sure there are plenty of things to do on campus that do not involve drinking and a large pool of students who do not drink. They are just not as visible.</p>
<p>My kid is very introverted and an only child. The first few weeks were hard. As we speak, she is counting the days until she can come home for Thanksgiving. If your D really thinks she is in the wrong place, then take all the above advice and let her transfer. If it is just the usual freshman homesickness, then I would help her navigate ways to get around it.</p>
<p>To be blunt - one of the things that may be hampering all this is your self defined relationship with her. You may be less likely to step in and be the parent at this point because you feel guilty about her being there to begin with and you don’t want to exacerbate the situation. Now may be a good time to try to make amends - your mother/daughter relationship will extend years beyond this short time in college.</p>
<p>I had a lot of friends at U Mass “back in the day” and frankly- it was a fantastic environment for some of them and it was terrible for others. So i don’t agree with TPerry that transferring won’t fix this. Maybe it will and maybe it won’t. I don’t know this kid so can’t comment on whether the school is a good fit or not.</p>
<p>But having known a lot of families who end up deciding where their kid will go without any (or much) input from the kid- it usually doesn’t end well. This isn’t like telling an 8 year old that he has to brush his teeth before bed, or like telling a 14 year old that he can’t go to a concert unchaperoned.</p>
<p>Succeeding in college (any college) takes a lot of effort. And if the kid is phoning it in- it really takes no effort to blow it. I’ve known kids who ended up at the parents alma mater and who found a way to sabotage themselves (kid wants to be at Hampshire or Bard but ends up SMU or 'bama; kid wants RPI but ends up at Holy Cross). It doesn’t take much.</p>
<p>It is easier to turn things around when the issue is social but only when the kid is extremely motivated to do so. It is very hard to turn things around once the social issue infects the academics.</p>
<p>yes- the D can surely meet a non-drinking crowd, and may in fact decide not to transfer once all the facts are on the table. But keeping an open mind- and reassuring the D that her education is important to the family- doesn’t cost anything and may help the D keep a sense of perspective.</p>
<p>If the message becomes, “you need to stay at U Mass so we can afford a private college for your brother who doesn’t seem to care about his education the way you do” then I’m not sure that’s a motivating message for a kid who is struggling to find a social fit.</p>
<p>Just my two cents.</p>
<p>My daughter hated her initial school, too, from day one, and she visited it before hand and applied ED! You just have to realize that sometimes people, parents too, make wrong choices for whatever reason, and things don’t work out as planned. Her initial school was not in session when she visited. That might have been part of the misconception of the place; It was much more of a party school than she wanted, similar to your daughter’s experience. She was so miserable she took control of the situation, transferred (applying in the fall of her freshman year), got into her first choice for the following fall and transferred, and is a completely different kid now. She LOVES her school, getting A’s, made lots of friends and is doing a lot of extra activities. All of her courses transferred so no time was lost. From personal experience, please let her transfer. If she’s unhappy now, she’s not going to be happy for the next three years. What a waste (of time, $, loss of love of learning, etc.) that would be! </p>
<p>Many people come on this forum with the idea that publics are the only affordable option. In fact, many experienced guidance counselors seem to think the same thing. I think the scenario here is perfectly understandable. I also think UMass is a great school. </p>
<p>I think the daughter might be able to turn this around unless she holds onto her disllike of UMass because she is not willing to admit her mom’s choice for her was okay. Many freshmen are feeling like this (at even the best colleges, as I said). </p>
<p>Transferring may mean losing scholarships, so she should check that out. It is a toss up whether thinking about leaving will help or hinder her adjustment.</p>
<p>The issue of the brother is a separate one but if he can choose among more options and there is more money for him, that could be a problem with the daughter, whether justified or not.</p>
<p>What I meant it wouldn’t fix was the very true fact that all schools have a culture of drinking, unless she does a total turn around and go to a church based school like Liberty. She is going to have to navigate around students that have different morals, upbringing and values than she does. That is called life and will not change no matter where she goes. If its not drinking at one school, its drugs, or hooking up, or too many Greeks, or whatever. You cannot tell me that there are not kids at UMass that do not drink and have a great time on the weekend not drinking.</p>
<p>But, if her kid is really that unhappy, then she should look into allowing her to transfer. I wouldn’t want my daughter to be that miserable. But the reality here is that she admits their relationship is not good so is she really getting a true sense from her daughter of what is going on?</p>
<p>I hope there is someone in this young woman’s life who really supports her and loves her.</p>
<p>OP, I’m assuming that your D will be coming home for Thanksgiving break. If you can, reach out to her and tell her you are anxious to have her home for a few days. Let her come home, relax and unwind a bit - but maybe sometime that weekend, find some time to talk - both of you - about things a little. Hear her out. Try to help her straight out the road ahead of her so she - and you - can take some steps forward. </p>
<p>About the whole brother situation, if he is not incentivized to go to a 4 year college immediately after graduation, don’t push it. There’s plenty of other options out there – among them trying out community college, trade schools, or even entering the workforce for a year or two to find out what he really likes. In my opinion, it would be a wasted investment to have the son go to college when he might not be ready and leave the daughter, who is motivated to get an education, in a situation where she can’t reach her full potential.</p>
<p>My D also hated her first year at her school. Now in her soph year, everything is good.This is common. Everything won’t be perfect. All the glossy, fancy four color brochures that they send out to the kids are simply marketing bling. Kids find out fast that that college is not exactly what they thought it would be. Just take a deep breath. I agree with the advice from @momneeds2no. Your child needs to find something about the school that she really likes, focus on that, and realize that the grass isn’t alway greener somewhere else. This is a big maturing and learning time for all 18 year olds.</p>
<p>This is a concern for my husband and I. Our youngest daughter is in the application process right now. She has her heart set on one school. Her chances are 50/50 based on her stats ( she is considered a legacy applicant ) Unless she gets significant aid from the school , it won’t happen, should she get accepted.</p>
<p>Coincidentally, it is the same school the OP’s daughter wanted to go to.</p>
<p>My husband and I both feel that another school would be better in terms of the program she’s applying to and also the cost ( 2/3 off tuition ) </p>
<p>That being said , I think that you should make a call to the admissions office and discuss it . You do not need to give her name, just general information for transfer and whether or not it is possible to get aid for her if she were to transfer there.</p>
<p>I found with my older daughter that fin aid and admissions were always very accommodating when I had questions or problems arose</p>
<p>No one seems to have mentioned the option of just taking second semester off.</p>
<p>If she is truly miserable, moving home for a gap semester while she sorts out the transfer applications could be a very good thing. She should just be sure to arrange a leave of absence so she can return to UMass if that ends up being the best choice.</p>
<p>OP never said she wouldn’t support daughter transferring, just that she was concerned about the distance and the money. Most of the schools she’s listed as alternatives are close (Boston or NH), but the cost may still be an issue.</p>
<p>If this were either of my kids, I’d be fine with the transfer but my budget wouldn’t change and I’d make the child do all the ground work - call the other schools, find out the deal, see what will transfer, financial aid available, arrange the visits over break, etc. My kids are too lazy to do all that. If I were OP, I encourage the transfer but also encourage daughter to make the most of UMass and the other 4 colleges next semester. Can’t get into the English class during regular registration? Call the prof, get on a wait list, find a different class at Smith or MHC or even at Amherst. I always got the classes I wanted, but sometimes it took a little extra effort of waiting in line (now it would be getting on the electronic wait list or stalking the prof).</p>
<p>But a question. If she thinks UMass is rural, what does she think St. Anselm will be like? And she likes the LGTB group at the very liberal consortium? I don’t think she’ll find it more welcoming at small Catholic schools. She really needs to know that she’ll like the transfer school.</p>
<p>She is only applying to Saint Anselm because they offered her a lot of money last time and she was able to find a local youth pride group that meets once a week; right now, she’s much more interested in Boston area schools. She’s also expressing interest in York College in Pennsylvania and Mills in California; these are much farther away than I’m comfortable with. </p>
<p>She’s planning on going to tour more schools over break, so we’ll see how that works out. </p>
<p>MILLS??? Eye eye eye. Smith and MoHo are right down the street! Shes gotta take a 5 college class. Frame it as an opporutunity to “test drive” women’s colleges. The 5 college system offers oppurtunites to study at two world class WCs. </p>
<p>Ellen, you’ve been given lots of advice on this thread (mostly good but some awful, IMO). Many folks have walked this same road. Just keep your feet planted firmly in your budget, eyes on the finish line of graduation in four years and heart open to your girl. It will work out. </p>
<p>If her #1 priority is to have an urban college experience, she’s not going to get it at St. Anselm, York or Mills. These schools will feel very ‘village-like’ compared to UMass. Really, she needs to do some thinking about what she’s looking for. A youth group might seem great for an 18 year old, but to a 20 year old it might not be enough. I agree with your husband that she needs to pick ‘for good’ and not just keep focusing that somewhere else might be good.</p>
<p>York PA isn’t all that far from you. Mills? Far. You’ll have to tell her that there won’t be several trips home, that she might not even get home for Thanksgiving. My daughter is in Florida and that’s 2000 miles from most of our family. She’s going to a friend’s home for Thanksgiving and while that sounded fine in Sept., she’s not so happy about it now and really wants to ‘go home’. My other daughter is 2 hours from grandparents and has seen them 3 times in Oct. It is nice to see a friendly face sometimes. </p>
<p>Here’s another idea. Does she want to study abroad? She could start planning for spring of sophmore year? Or, maybe a “study away” at an urban school. Does Umass offer that? </p>
<p>UMass offers both study abroad international and us. Maybe she could even do that twice but she would need to find out if the scholarship could be used. Not every school allows it.</p>
<p>They do, but I’m not willing to fund that; it’s a lot of money. </p>
<p>I’m really hoping she’ll be willing to compromise and head to Salem State or something similar, rather than head off to New York or somewhere in Pennsylvania. </p>