My daughter won't go to (college) class.

Parents Forum
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<p>She stopped going to class freshman year at private 4 year college. She's on academic probation. Now she's at community college to earn credits and grades to get back into college - and she stopped going to 2 of the 4 classes she was enrolled in. She's living at home with her Dad. </p>

<p>She is seeing a therapist. I just do not know what to do now. By the end of this semester, she will be a 20 year old with MAYBE 12 college credits and probably a C average.</p>

<p>She is a smart girl, but it very lazy and unmotivated. No idea what she wants to do. Are there any colleges that specialize in troubled kids?</p>

<p>I welcome any advice, shared experiences - anything you can share.</p>

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<p>You can not force her to go to class. You can stop wasting your money. You can expect her to earn decent grades for you to pay for her college and to allow her to live at home rent free. Therapists can’t help people who don’t want to be helped. Some students are smart, but aren’t interested in college or are only interested in college for the wrong reasons – partying while avoiding being in the work world.</p>

<p>Saying all of this as a mom who has BTDT with 2 smart sons. Older S flunked out of college due to partying. He knew he couldn’t live at home while not being a fulltime college student unless he were working and paying rent. After living with a well meaning, but misguided relative who didn’t charge him rent, he got a fulltime job after the relative retired and moved away. He has been supporting himself for 2 year, living in an apartment shared with a friend, who also works fulltime. </p>

<p>He has chosen not to go back to college (which he would have to do on his own dime), but is living a decent, independent life.</p>

<p>Younger S almost flunked senior year in h.s. due to senioritis. H and I had told him that bad grades senior year meant we wouldn’t pay for college until he went for a year and got decent grades on his own dime. On his own, he applied for Americorps, and lived at home (his choice) paying rent during his Americorps year.</p>

<p>He went to the college of his choice with big loans, and had to work during the school year. He got on Dean’s List (and has stayed on that list), and was very active in several good ECs. He’s now a junior and still an honors student there, and still works to pay for part of his tuition (We always had promised our kids a certain amount of $ each year for college and told them they’d have to work or take out loans to make up any gap), proudly active in demanding ECs while working 14 hours a week. </p>

<p>I also had sent my kids to therapists and had gotten them help with study skills, etc. Nothing helped them because they weren’t motivated. Both have ADD or ADHD, but people with those problems can do fine if they are self motivated (saying this as someone with a doctorate and Ivy education despite having ADD). </p>

<p>My advice is to lovingly cut the cord and to let her know that it’s time for her to take responsibility for herself – to get a job and to be self supporting.</p>

<p>P.S. Our relatives thought we were being mean when we refused to send older S money and buy him a car (after he’d wrecked his) after he dropped out of school. Now, they have acknowledged that the well-meaning relative who supported him for more than a year was misguided.</p>

<p>Younger S’s friends thought we were mean to expect him to pay for his first year of college. We ignored them, too.</p>

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<p>My gut says she’s 20 and you need to let go of the college dream for the moment. You never know she may get back at it in a couple years when she has worked through whatever issues she’s dealing with but clearly it’s not in the cards right now. You don’t say if she has diagnosed learning disabilities, if that is the case the learning disability forum has some threads on colleges if her therapist thinks that might work for her.</p>

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<p>Sorry to hear that, goldenlady. Your post reminds me of another thread that may help:</p>

<p><a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/728062-difficult-decision-withdrawing-child-school-14.html?highlight=daughter+texting+community+college[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/728062-difficult-decision-withdrawing-child-school-14.html?highlight=daughter+texting+community+college&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

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<p>Agree that not everyone does college on the same schedule (and not everyone does college). DH has college credits from seven different colleges. Didn’t get his B.S. til he was 24-25. One of the most successful people I know didn’t get his B.S. til he was 27. She needs to forget about school for now. Get a job. Get mentally healthy. (I’m a little less in favor of drastic cord-cutting. Living at home and paying rent seems a little gentler to me. I moved in with my parents for a few months before graduate school to save $$, but paid them rent while I was there.)</p>

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<p>Put your dream of her going to college to rest. Stop wasting your money on college tuition.
Let her take responsibility for her decisions. Stop paying her bills and stop buying her things. She’s old enough to get a job and learn the responsibilities of being an adult.
If she is living with her Dad, he should require her to financially contribute towards her room and board. Perhaps a year or two of earning minimum wage and having to pay her own way through life will help her to find the motivation she needs to be successful in college. Maybe she’ll discover a new passion and a path other than college will help her turn the passion into a career. Step back and gently but firmly push her out of the nest.</p>

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<p>Daughter was diagnosed “borderline” ADHD freshman year in HS. Was off and on Adderall and Zoloft (for depression) through HS. Current therapist doesn’t think she needs meds - just needs to learn how to be responsible, mature and honest.</p>

<p>She is currently looking for a job - no easy feat in this economy. I think I’ll look into Americorps. I’m surprised there don’t seem to be any colleges that cater to this kind of kid. </p>

<p>I appreciate the commentors who suggest we forget about college for her at this time. We may have to. I just think the college experience is so wonderful - if you take advantage of it - which she has not been able to do, yet.</p>

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<p>Thank you…reading now.</p>

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<p>’ I’m surprised there don’t seem to be any colleges that cater to this kind of kid.'</p>

<p>There aren’t because colleges are designed for students who want to be there and are able to go to class and do their academic work without being forced. Just because a student is smart enough to go to college doesn’t mean that they are college material. There are plenty of career options – including lucrative ones – for smart people who aren’t interested in college.</p>

<p>Americorps is a fine option for people who want to do that. My son – who loved volunteering – enjoyed Americorps, and applied to it and did his job without help from me. This included his getting up early to get to work on time. His boss also made him stay at work until his monthly reports were completed: That taught S that deadlines aren’t just something one has to adhere to in school.</p>

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<p>My oldest D was similar. Went to a fine LAC following senior year on scholarship for her community service. It was a great opportunity and she blew it. After a semester she was on academic probation and after a year had basically flunked out. She came home and went to CC for a year where we agreed we’d pay for classes where she got a C or better and she’d pay for the rest. Ended up with two classes out of four. She moved out of our house (younger kids in house didn’t need her bad example of playing too much Sims and watching too much TV) and moved closer to where her college bf grew up. She then attended that community college and worked as a server where she ended up with like two more classes maybe. That was it for us and our paying her way. Fast forward a couple of years (she’ll be 25 next monday) where she worked full time as an office manager and seemed to be doing very well in the responsibility department</p>

<p>Last winter she decided she wanted to go back to school. We didn’t get involved as it was more about her wanting it more than our wanting it for us. Since she was 24, she filled out all the FAFSA information and took some loans. She is now back in school full time on her own dime and has 3 A’s and 2 B (B+ in one) headed in semester finals. She is finally realizing just how smart she is (also has dx for ADHD inattentive type) and now complains when “stupid freshman” don’t come to class or rudely leave in the middle or come late. While we havent told her, we will pay her loans if she gets the grades she seems to be getting.</p>

<p>Advice: Let them fail. It may be the best thing to happen and as some have said, some aren’t ready for the straight path. And too… sometimes those with ADHD have become so defeated early on in the education process that it takes some time to realize that this experience does not define them. Depression can become a comorbid factor in not realizing potential and exacerbate any ADD symptoms. Be supportive but firm. And always reward AFTER the fact, not before. A therapist who understands ADD will be huge in helping this young person not lose more years to misdirection. Not sure how much regret my daughter currently experiences, but I am so proud of how she has matured and taken the bull by the horns to get what she wants. I am cautious, but very very optimistic.</p>

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<p>Maybe read this book: “The Myth of Laziness”</p>

<p>[Amazon.com:</a> The Myth of Laziness (9780743213684): Mel Levine: Books](<a href=“http://www.amazon.com/Myth-Laziness-Mel-Levine/dp/0743213688/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1258730677&sr=1-1]Amazon.com:”>http://www.amazon.com/Myth-Laziness-Mel-Levine/dp/0743213688/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1258730677&sr=1-1)</p>

<p>When a kid is unmotivated, I don’t think being punitive or even having subtly punitive perspectives on the situation, is that helpful.</p>

<p>And college can wait. I myself am racing my kids to see who finishes first. ( I’m 58 and have had some great jobs.)</p>

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<p>I’ve told these stories several times on this board but they bear telling again:</p>

<p>Our neighbors left the entire college seach process up to their son and he did nothing - no applications. They assumed he’d go to the local CC. The summer after graduation, he finally got enough courage to tell his parents that cutting hair was his passion. He’s finished with cosmetology school and is doing fine. It was a bit difficult for red neck dad to hear, but it sure beats forcing him to take college classes that he didn’t want to take.</p>

<p>Another boy on our block did pretty “below average” in HS, did “below average” in a semester or two at CC…he’s been waiting tables for the past three years at a fairly upscale local restaurant and loves it.</p>

<p>Last story, yet another neighbor’s D. Girl went to three different $45,000+ per year schools in three years…finally told her parents that she had no interest in a degree and wants to act. She’s had a few decent jobs.</p>

<p>Not everyone wants or needs to go to college.</p>

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<p>I like the Americorps suggestion. Students can be de-motivated if they don’t see the relevance of the work they’re doing. Americorps work is inherently relevant.</p>

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<p>"She is finally realizing just how smart she is (also has dx for ADHD inattentive type) and now complains when “stupid freshman” don’t come to class or rudely leave in the middle or come late. :</p>

<p>Very similar to how younger S – also ADD – is experiencing college after taking a post h.s. gap year at Americorps after almost not passing senior year. He truly appreciates the opportunities that college offers in terms of academics and being able to be involved in productive ECs.</p>

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<p>Make her pay for it, or tell her she isn’t going.</p>

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<p>The Army specializes in unmotivated kids</p>

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<p>Not everyone is ready to go to away to college right after HS. A lot of kids cannot handle the responsibility or the pressure of being on their own especially if there are other forces at work. There’s no shame in that. </p>

<p>After having to leave her original school, I sure this young woman was feeling deflated and defeated and probably didn’t feel like she fit at the CC either. She probably needs to address her issues and figure out who she is and which path is best for her. </p>

<p>Probably taking a reduced courseload, working, volunteering, and remaining in counseling is best for now. Keeping busy is better than wallowing. You never know, she may have an epiphany sooner rather than later.</p>

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<p>S found that by being in Americorps, he learned more about the kind of work and work environments he likes as well as what he doesn’t like. </p>

<p>He ended up majoring in college in something completely different than the various fields he had previously considered. To both of our surprise, he ended up majoring in the tech side of theater. It requires a lot of work – including lots of work backstage at theater productions (work that will help him get internships and jobs), and he loves every minute of it.</p>

<p>Meanwhile, older S the college flunk-out is doing well in an office administrative job – 3 promotions in 3 years. He’s exceptionally smart – National Merit Commended – so that isn’t the path that I would have chosen for him, but he’s content, and he’s also supporting himself, writing a novel on the side, and trying to read all of the Great Books.</p>

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<p>Speaking as someone who struggled with functioning in college, and who was probably suffering from undiagnosed depression and–I’m beginning to think–some kind of equally undiagnosed concentration disorder masked by giftedness, I would concentrate on getting her help to figure out what’s going on and address it NOW. If she needs to take some time off from college, rather than staggering on through whatever kind of college courses she can deal with, so be it.</p>

<p>I really, really wish that I had been given that kind of support at that age, rather than having my struggles greeted with a punitive response or otherwise ignored. It would have made a great difference in the course of my life.</p>

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<p>City Year is another option, did wonders for a kid I know who wasn’t ready for college directly after HS:</p>

<p>[City</a> Year](<a href=“http://www.cityyear.org/default_ektid13307.aspx]City”>http://www.cityyear.org/default_ektid13307.aspx)</p>