My freshman's coming home. Game over!

Parents Forum
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<p>Toledo, I haven’t read the entire thread but just wanted to say I can totally relate to your situation. My S2 was in the same situation freshman year…except it was worse.</p>

<p>Like your DH, mine wasskeptical about S2 and college. He was a very avg. h.s. student. I was all for giving him a chance. So we decided to let him go.
One month before leaving for college two of his best friends died as the result of a car wreck. It was terrible, horrible. As time approached to start college, S2 was adamant that he wanted to go. He really needed to get out of our town.
We agreed that it might be the best thing for him. </p>

<p>He was socially OK but not ready for the academic part. He thought he could slide through like h.s. </p>

<p>He started out w/ 16 credits but soon dropped down to 14. When we asked about grades, he said the same as your D, very vague, said he didn’t really know.</p>

<p>I was worried but wanted to give him a chance to handle it himself so did not press it.
He always said he was “fine”. Everything was “fine”. Like your D, he had completely stopped going to a couple of classes.
In hindsight, I know now that he was prob. depressed about the loss of his friends but he never let on to us. </p>

<p>By the end of the sem. he was feeling like his old self again but it was too late to save his classes. He thought he could pull a lot of the grades up with exams and we would never know how bad it was. </p>

<p>At the end of the sem. He had two D’s and four F’s. His gpa was 0.33. </p>

<p>He pleaded to go back for Spring sem. We let him. He had been through a lot so we wanted to give him another chance. </p>

<p>His sch. allows three re-takes for classes with grades of D or F on the fresh. or soph. level. He re-took three of the F classes in the spring sem. (the other F was a one hr. freshman intro. to college class).<br>
He got a 2.5 that sem. was off probation and back on track.<br>
He’s a junior now. His gpa has gone up every sem. since that horrible first sem.</p>

<p>Yes, he has F’s and D’s on his transcript. There’s nothing he can do about it now.
The good news is that his grades since then have been good, he loves his sch., has lots of friends and has become waaay more responsible. He is on track to graduate on time in May 2012.</p>

<p>We don’t regret letting him go back but I know every circumstance is different.<br>
Just wanted to let you know there are others who have stood in your D’s shoes and made a successful comeback.
Good luck to your family as you make decisions on what is best for your D.</p>

<p>oh…sidenote: S2’s sch. is a state u. His COA is around $12,000/year so our risk was not quite as large as the OP’s.</p>

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<p>That said, it was a reach school. Her stats are definitely in the bottom 25%</p>

<p>??? They why would she go to that school? Students who are in the bottom 25% are often special admits…like athletes who get special help.</p>

<p>This is going to sound harsh, but I don’t mean it to be. Your D was kind of set up for failure. She’s ADD and going to a school where she was in the bottom 25%. That sounds like a recipe for failure. People with ADD often run from things that are too tough or uncomfortable. That’s part of the procrastination aspect of ADD.</p>

<p>I would probably “man up” and take some of the blame myself for allowing such a child to go to a school where her stats and her limitations were almost sure to be a problem at a reach school.</p>

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<p>Mom2, I made the observation that she was set up for failure early on. Somewhere along the line the college and/or the parents were willing to allow the daughter to go to a college completely inappropriate for her. I am curious as to why. </p>

<p>Are they alumni? Was there a large scholarship involved? Was there athletic or other ability that was a big enough incentive that the school was willing to admit her? Did the school hard sell the parents and make promises they did not keep? Was it a matter of a prestigious school which the parents liked telling others their daughter attended? Or was this truly a matter of surrendering parental judgment and allowing a child with known maturity and learning issues to be the final say on her future. What could have BOTH the parents and the college so willing to risk this poor kid’s future in such an inappropriate environment for her?</p>

<p>The questions sound harsh but something doesn’t add up here. $40.000 a year for a kid to attend a private, REACH, party school when they are LD and in the bottom 25% of their class does not make any sense.</p>

<p>Blaming the daughter for this is really unfair, IMO.</p>

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<p>mom2 and denice,</p>

<p>Understand that you are trying to be helpful, but perhaps in some cases its better to be honest than brutally honest. This is a tough time for Toledo. No need to kick someone when they are down. Just sayin’</p>

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<p>jym, I understand your point.</p>

<p>No one is intentionally trying to kick Toledo. The situation calls for brutal honesty. Perhaps not from me or other anonymous voices on a bulletin board but from someone. Anything less will be a further disservice to the daughter.</p>

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<p>I think honesty and helpful suggestions are called for. "Brutal’? Not so much.</p>

<p>I sent S off to school with my fingers and everything else crossed. He was very immature in high school and unmotivated. I had him tested at the middle school level and he was determined to be borderline ADD. We chose not to have him medicated.</p>

<p>He started to find his motivation in his senior year, when we toured private colleges that he would have loved to attend, that some of his friends are attending, that were out of the picture for him because he would not get the merit aid to make it affordable.</p>

<p>So he is off to the state flagship, in a demanding program, and doing ok, I think. Of course he was guilty of those same vague reassurances in high school that ‘all was well’ while he wasn’t turning in his assignments.</p>

<p>He was sent off with the explicit statement that if he was not doing well away at school, he would have to come home, return to his job, and go to community college.</p>

<p>I still believe his issues were immaturity related more than the ADD. And he has been acting more responsible and independently. So I thought he deserved the chance.</p>

<p>But I will be checking his grades, just to be sure, before the spring registration.</p>

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<p>I"m sure no matter “who did what” there is plenty of guilt going around Toledo’s house tonight from everyone, whether valid or not. Not for us to question. </p>

<p>What we can offer is sympathy for Toledo and her family -none I’m sure - who intended for this outcome to happen- and if you’ve got it - better advice for here on out.</p>

<p>Chances are, if we’re on CC, we’ll all done our share of beating ourselves up from time to time, cause chances are, if you’re on CC, you care an especially lot about your child and their future.</p>

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<p>H and I have discussed this mess for hours. If she would gone to her safety, we really believe she’d be having the same outcome. D claims the work is not hard at her school. She says she just screwed up. Wouldn’t it have been easier for her to blame the school than to blame herself? I really feel this is a case of newfound freedoms gone awry. We toured several school and she loved this school from the start. We let her pick the school. If that was a mistake, it was a mistake that had to be made. I am really shocked that a couple of you would even suggest that we should have known more than admissions.</p>

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<p>Her grades tell a different story. </p>

<p>College is mostly about the discipline needed to keep up with assignments, attend class, etc. </p>

<p>I certainly don’t think you should be blamed – you (the whole family) made a mistake, you hoped for the best and it didn’t work out that way. As a parent you also did something very right by insisting on seeing your daughter’s grades when you suspected something was amiss. My son messed up in college, too – and I let my son get away with “misplacing” grade reports. My son had a somewhat different pattern – he was selectively focusing on the classes he liked, so he would get A’s & D’s & an incomplete - and he showed me the A’s but not the other grades… plus he didn’t really go off track until his second semester.</p>

<p>The point isn’t to assign blame – but it also is a time to stop making excuses. Your d. really doesn’t have a clue how “hard” her classes are because she hasn’t been doing the work. She might be rationalizing along the lines of, she could do it if she tried – but that’s kind of begging the question. For whatever reason, she hasn’t been able to put in the effort required to at least pull C’s in most of the classes. </p>

<p>That’s the part that needs to be addressed. Your daughter shouldn’t be in ANY college unless she is ready and willing to do the work. Maybe she would be better off attending a local college part time, rather than full time – perhaps she could manage with a lighter course-load. But if she doesn’t come to terms with whatever the underlying problem is, then the situation would just be repeated at another college. </p>

<p>My son really needed time away from school and time to mature – he was a much better student when he went back to college at age 23. Working full time at a job with increasing levels of responsibility helped him build the organizational skills that he was missing in college, plus after a few years of full time work, he was in the habit of going to bed at a reasonable hour and getting up early in the morning. Part of his problem the first time around was that he’d oversleep and miss his classes.</p>

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<p>Looks like yo will be getting more lectures, toledo. I am sorry to see this. Best of luck to you and your family.</p>

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<p>I am so sorry that you are going through this. It is very disapointing when our kids do not recognize opportunities. </p>

<p>I noticed that she is a Education major…Most schools require a higher grade in ed classes or the student would need to take it over anyway. You may want to check on her schools website to see if they require a minimum grade of B. </p>

<p>I think she should withdraw immediately and attend CC. She was not ready for this as many students aren’t. She will be happy about the decision one day in the future. Encourage her to attend CC part time and get a local job. Good luck and hang in there. You are not alone.</p>

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<p>

Philosophy courses aren’t easy courses, Kajon (at least at most places). I don’t know if that’s the case at the University of Dayton. Do you?</p>

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<p>I am so sorry this is happening in your lives.
Take a little time to think through the many options/opinions…and then do what you need to do, even if someone else want to call it “helicoptering”. You need a lot more school specific information…can she withdraw from everything but the “C” classes and stay in the dorms? How can the IEP be put into place? Is there some form that can be signed to allow you access to the grades more regularly? Can she change dorms to a less “party” enviroment? If you/she decide to bring her home, what classes will transfer?</p>

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<p>What is the benfit of withdrawing entirely? Not sure I’m understanding that. Doesn’t it make sense to get to somewhere around 12 credit hours withdrawing from at least one of the classes if not two. Wouldn’t it give the parents a better idea how she will perform and if she can perform if she finishes out the semester and the situation is evaluated over the holidays? If she is getting ready to register for the next semester, what is her advisor telling her? Seems like if the D can articulate a plan to the parents and her advisors will allow her to register it might be worth letting the semester play out. I won’t be the first time an advisor has met with a young person whose grades are in the toilet at mid-terms as a freshman.</p>

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<p>

Yes! I especially think it’s wrong when the Greek chorus here is always chiming to “let the kid work it out” in regards to roommate and dorm issues. Schools love that, especially since they are very skilled in getting the upper hand with 18 - 20 year olds. But if the parents are paying for the room and board, then they get to be involved in fixing untenable situations. Yes, give the kids a chance, but be willing to step in. </p>

<p>Great point about often different levels of parent involvement needed for students with disabilities, CardinalFang.</p>

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<p>BTW CardinalFang’s post is the best post so far. Kids with ADHD need more support and guidance. I think she could turn everything around at a CC with the application of some good strategies. My daughter did very well academically once she came home and she has since transferred to the state university. I am keeping my fingers crossed to see her grades at the end of this semester but things seem to be going fine with school.</p>

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<p>First of all, I am sorry. This is every parent’s nightmare. I think you did the right thing by checking on your daughter’s grades now. We monitored D1’s first year grades very closely. Once we felt she was on track we backed off. </p>

<p>I don’t think the game is over for the semester yet. There are more tests and assignment 2nd half of semester. Maybe toledo’s daughter could turn in some late assignments or ask professors if she could re-write some of her papers. I would push the daughter to set up meetings with her dean and see what could be done, and I would participate. </p>

<p>I would have a talk with the daughter - explain to her options of withdrawing now (if that’s possible) vs working her butt off and possibly finishing with better than C in her classes. I think that’s still possible.</p>

<p>I remember my philosophy and religion class was my hardest class in college, but it was also my favorite, even though I didn’t get a very good grade in the class.</p>

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<p>So sorry, toledo. Most of us send our kids off to school with fingers crossed that everything will work out, and none of us can know ahead of time that the kid won’t flounder, reach/party/far-off school or not. A confirmed helicopter parent probably wouldn’t have been willing to let the kid even try. You know your d better than anyone else. Do you think she’s able to use this semester as a learning experience? I’m concerned that you say she hasn’t been using her IEP. I’d want to see her take responsibility for that and for talking to her profs about either withdrawing or, in some classes, rescuing her GPA. I would seem that she should certainly drop the class she hasn’t attended since she got sick.</p>

<p>She isn’t the first freshman with these problems, including the LD. Can she talk to the academic dean? My feeling is that, as a parent, you have the right (certainly the financial one) to take this up with the learning disabilities office to find out what the resources are; everything else would be better coming from your d. At my d’s state school, a parent can meet with their child for counseling in the counseling center under certain circumstances - maybe this would work for you.</p>

<p>Good luck and (hugs).</p>

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<p>First class advice here.</p>

<p>Also, I wanted to add, there is no reason, Toledo, that you have to “go into” the meetings with your D in order to show her how to do it, to support her by helping her make a list of who she needs to see and helping her make the appointments. There is no reason, either, if you feel she could use someone to walk over with her, you cannot walk her to the meetings and debrief with her aftewards and help her to form a plan.</p>

<p>There is no reason this needs to be anything other than a learning experience for your daughter, where she learns how to go to college. Not every kid knows to go to office hours, that college profs won’t be angry with you if you come back, that you don’t have to be embarrassed. All of us who teach classes in Universities know the freshman sometimes get themselves into a bind and all of us want them to be able to find their way back out. Again, good luck. Remember, you don’t have to go into the meetings in order to help her problem solve and plan the meetings.</p>

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<p>great post poetgrl~this is a learning experience for your daughter. </p>

<p>I agree with the suggestion to support your daughter in finding a solution…if she feels she needs you with her to talk with the dean or disabilities then you can do so, otherwise I would encourage and coach her on how to address these issues. there is great value in her doing so and there is the chance you will be pleasantly surprised with the school’s willingness to support her now and come up with some ideas that might include her using her accommodations . If they don’t then that gives you more clarity about her options but don’t count them out. </p>

<p>I look at these difficult situations at moments we can show our kids what we really value in life. she told you the truth about how she was managing her life at college, that’s a positive. it’s a teachable moment to help her see that she needs more support at school in order to succeed, which hopefully she’ll be able to now recognize. that’s a good thing…</p>