<p>Hi Mackie45: Wow, I came across your post as I am taking a break from writing my sister's eulogy who passed last Thursday from cancer. I have a few things I want to say that may come across as blunt, but know that I only mean them in a spirit of condolence and compassion.</p>
<p>When I was in high school, a cross country teammate passed away and the entire school, quite appropriately, when into a paroxysm of mourning for him. I thought it was really nice and appropriate that everybody showed up to pay their respects even if they didn't know David that well.</p>
<p>What went over less well was people making a lot of their grief for someone they didn't know at all. If Madeleine was genuinely a close friend of yours, there is no expression of grief I would spare.</p>
<p>I am not saying that your grief is not genuine if she wasn't a close friend of yours. But the importance of your expressing grief to her family will be related to how close you were to Madeleine. If you were really close, they might really appreciate a visit and your taking time to share memories with them that they might not know about her. If you were not actually so close, write them a note explaining your connection and your feelings.</p>
<p>If you were really close, in your speech you might mention that it is hard for you but that you are not alone and there are others who are as close or closer, but that one realizes in the fabric of a community, it's a loss to everyone. Or you might make a group expression of condolence to the family from the entire class.</p>
<p>If you weren't so close, mention that you realize there were others who were Madeleine's good friends and loved ones, but that this is a hurt for everyone and that you'd like a moment of silence in honor of M.</p>
<p>Finally, make sure you can do this thing. I called my nephews (they are in junior high school) just to talk but to tell them I love them and am always there for them (I offered to raise them until college, but thankfully their father has stepped back into the picture). The thing is I couldn't get the words out without breaking down. Thank god for cell phones; they just thought the line had cut out. I had no problem breaking down in front of them, but I didn't think I wanted to do that over the phone or that it'd help them if I did.</p>
<p>The basic message: keep it real. Calibrate what you do to the reality of how close you were to M. Groups feel grief and your grief is real no matter how close you were. But to those who were genuinely close to M, they will know whether you are really grieving with them or kind of joining in from the outside, if you get what I am saying.</p>