<p>I have a rather uncomfortable dilemma that my future roommate has put me in. I received an email from her today asking me to swap rooms with one of her fellow sophomore friends. Unfortunately, the room her friend will currently be living in is a small triple with lofted beds. When I filled out my short housing survey, I selected as my preference a single room. I stressed my need for space and quiet. The room assignment I received was a double, but I accepted this based on the quality of the dorm and its reputation for housing older, studious individuals.
I might have been okay with a direct swap if her friend was not assigned to the dorm she was. I hate the idea of lofted beds, especially in a triple. Though the dorm is closer to my specific college, I have already worked out transportation based on my original dorm assignment. I do not know the other girls in the triple. Having to move my things to another building when I have arrived at the college for the first time as a freshman is highly inconveniencing.
I am admittedly not very skilled at saying no to eager people. I know that swapping with her friend is out of the question, but I dont know how to respond without seeming rude or apathetic to her wishes. I know she will be disappointed regardless; however, I dont want a tense atmosphere in my dorm room when my first priority is my schoolwork. I fear Ill be spending my time miserably with an unhappy roommate. My biggest gripe is the potential for nastiness between us stemming from my refusal to move.</p>
<p>Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated!</p>
<p>Hey, you were assigned to this dorm so it's her problem. Don't be afraid to say 'no'. It's possible to say 'no' politely and firmly, and it's also a very important skill to do. So think of it as practice. ;D</p>
<p>Your roommate might seem a little sullen for a little bit, but you'll feel like a stronger and happier person for doing it instead of caving in to somebody else's wishes unwillingly.</p>
<p>tell her no. maybe she could switch with one of her friend's roommates, so she could be with her friend in the triple, and you could be with a different person in the double.</p>
<p>I think it is a little bit rude of her to ask you to do this so late. And they should have arranged to room together ahead of time in the first place.</p>
<p>Tell her no, and don't feel bad about it. Just say that you don't like the dorm and you would feel uncomfortable doing it. </p>
<p>If she wants to room with this girl then maybe she should be the one who switches, that seems more fair to me.</p>
<p>The things we learn in college are more than just the classes we take, and just like studying for an exam its not always pleasant. However what you're presented with is an opportunity for growth, not just a dilemma.</p>
<p>You considered the option (triple vs. your assigned room) and decided to stay. So far so good. However the rest of the story is where things could use some alternative approaches.</p>
<p>I'm reminded of the story of the young man who runs his car into a ditch out in the country. A mile down the road he sees a farmhouse with a tractor parked in the yard, so he starts trudging down the road to ask the farmer to pull him out. As he walks he starts to run thru the conversation in his mind. The farmer is going to laugh at him for ending up in the ditch. "Why, boy, I've driven down that road every day for 30 years and never been close to the ditch!" The farmer is going to be too busy to help until the end of the day, so he'll be stuck for hours. He's going to be cross about having to go out of his way, so he's going to tie the rope to the bumper and pull too hard. He's going to charge him a fortune for helping. As he walks and the scene plays thru his mind, he grows angrier and angrier with each step. Red-faced, when he finally gets to the door he pounds it with his clenched fists and shouts "You can take your tractor and rope and go to he**!!!"</p>
<p>Speculating about nastiness and a tense situation is just like this. Maybe it will happen, but maybe it won't. Why not wait to cross that bridge when you come to it? Its perfectly possible these 2 people had absolutely no plans to room together, but when the friend ended up in the small triple she remembered your future roomate and badgered her until she agreed to ask you to move. After all, at most schools if 2 frosh both request each other as roomates they'll be assigned together. A lot of people heading off to college deliberately choose to NOT room with friends so they can and get a fresh start. Maybe that was your future roomate's goal, but she has trouble saying "no" too! The point is that you really don't know that when you say no it will leave you with an unhappy roomate and tense situation.</p>
<p>As to what to write to your roomate, it goes without saying you have to say no. However a skill negotiators learn is to always look for a win-win. Defining the set of options as (A) you move or (B) you stay is unnecessarily restrictive. Option (C) is both roomate and her friend move. At most schools there is an option to trade rooms. I suggest you learn a little about how it works at your school, and then send a nice email to your roomate saying that you like the dorm you've been assigned and are not going to switch. You then go on to express your understanding that her and her friend might want to room together, and explain how if they want they can both find a new room once they arrive in the fall. For all you know, it'll end with this email and she might not really have been too keen on her friend as a roomate anyway.</p>
<p>Learning to stand up for yourself and to handle unpleasant situations (if it comes to that) are skills we all need to learn, and to continue to improve in our lives. If things do go south you're not on your own. You have your RA to talk with, and most colleges have counselors who are used to working with students in helping then understand solve personal frictions.</p>
<p>Many colleges don't allow room switches without their approval--check w the housing dept. </p>
<p>If roommate doesn't like the setup, gently suggest it is her responsibility to find a new room for herself.</p>
<p>While it is challenging to enter in these very personal negotiations, it is necessary, and a good learning experience. Clear, calm, confident discussions are a lifeskill. </p>
<p>A roommate does not have to be a best friend, but with understanding and patience, you two can develop a respectful and tranquil relationship.</p>
<p>Just tell her pleasantly that you do not want to be in a triple but that if she wants to room with her friend you wont be offended if she switches rooms with one of the others in the triple.</p>
<p>
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I am admittedly not very skilled at saying no to eager people.
[/quote]
The good thing is you are able to settle this by email which is sometimes easier than having to do it face to face. Just respond nicely but firmly. Something like</p>
<p>Hi ****
I completely understand that you want to room with your friend. I don't want to change to a different dorm as I specifically requested this dorm but if you want to swap to the other dorm so you can be with your friend I will not be offended.</p>
<p>I wrote my roommate a concise, polite response to explain my preference for our current dorm assignment. I made it clear that I fully understood and sympathized with her wishes but reasoned that I would feel much better staying where I am. </p>
<p>The school I'll be going to is Boston University.</p>
<p>Just say you've got everything set up for the one you're going to be in already and you'd rather not room in a triple, and then forget she ever asked.</p>
<p>She was actually fine with it. She did ask me if I wanted to swap with a different friend, this one assigned a single in a different dormitory, but I also politely declined. Though I would've loved to have a single, I have a strong dislike for the other girl's prospective dorm.</p>
<p>And I would've said yes to the single if it was in a better dorm. The dorm where the single is located will be too noisy for the quiet I prefer for studying.</p>