So a couple months ago, I’ve made a thread about my strong reluctance to attend my graduation and my parents strong urge for me to attend graduation. Basically, I only had one or two friends at high school and I hated my time there, so I did a dual enrollment program for my entire senior year and only went back to my high school once throughout the year to do some paperwork. My graduation was on Thursday. Here’s how it went:
The graduation ceremony was schedule at 6:30 PM, and the school administration arranged our third and final graduation rehearsal earlier that morning from 9-11 AM. Everyday that week, I looked for excuses to ditch practice… I finally found one as I had class at that time. I felt relieve that I didnt have to be at that hedouble hockey-stick world that morning.
Soon enough it, 5PM came around and our school told the students to meet in their advisory rooms at 5:30 PM to dress up and whatnot. The grad practice administrators told us not to bring our phones because they would be sent to the office, but my parents were worried they wouldnt be able to contact me after the ceremony and my sis said it’ll be fine if I just turn it off and put it in my pockets, and although I was reluctant to do so, I just did it. Anyway, I got to the advisory room and it was really hot and I started sweating. The advisory teacher said empty your pockets, so I was forced to give my phone away however they said I can pick it up at the office right after graduation or the next day if I wanted. So after an hour of sheer boredom of sitting in a desk, not knowing anyone in my advisory room, and every now and then eves dropping on the conversation of the group’s chatter next to me, we were finally called out to the tennis courts to get in line. From there, we walked to the football field where we took our seats. Blah blah blah, people talked , valedictorians were called, speeches were given, I went up to receive my diploma, I heard the singled out cheer of my parents contrasted my the sheer silence of the rest of the football stadium, and went back to my chair to take my seat. Later when ceremony was done, I took pictures with my 2 friends and a couple juniors that told my family that I was ready to go home. I first happened to pickup my diploma because our school doesnt give the actual diploma when our name is called up on the stage – we just get cases to put our diplomas in and then we get our diplomas after the ceremony. I went up to the table labeled “F-L” corresponding to the first letter of my last name. There I saw my 9th grade biology teacher handing out the diplomas. In my head I was wondering whether or not she remembered me… whether or not I should try and engage a conversation and ask her how things were and what I was up for my next 4 years. I walked up to her with a smile still trying to figure out of she remember me, and I saw a glowing smile on her face too, but neither one of us mentioned 9th grade bio and seconds later, I was greeted with an awkward “What’s your last name?”. I’m sure she remembered who I was, but wanted to lighten the awkwardness by pretending that she doesn’t know me so I’d just pick up my diploma and leave – so that’s what I did. There. proof that I was a nobody at my high school.
I remember that I needed my cell phone so I headed back to the office, just to see that all the lights were turned off and no one in sight. I decided just to go home and retrieve my cell phone the next day (which was a Friday). Great… my graduation ended with 2 pictures, and awkward teacher encounter, and a lost cell phone.
I go to the office the next day just to see my 11th grade math teacher that I have an awkward relationship. Long story short: In the beg of my senior year, I asked my 11th grade math teacher for a rec letter a month before it was due, and she didnt turn in anything 2 days before my college deadline. I was panicking and lied and told her it was due the next day, and she later talked to the counselor because she grew suspicious on why the date changed, and she found out the truth of my lie. She later emailed me saying she didn’t appreciate me being dishonest, and she didn’t have time to write a good rec letter. I know I know… I shouldn’t have lied… not the point of this story. I saw her down a hallway chatting with another teacher, so I quickly turned my head to the front desk lady in the office and asked her where my cellphone was. She said go down the hall and take the first right. I was trembling… my teacher was right there… down the hall. I really didn’t want to go near her as I never even emailed her back saying sorry. At the time of that email, I was just mad that she didnt start my rec letter until the day before it was due, and didn’t care to apologize if she chose procrastinate that hard. I slowly walked down the hall and I was relieved to find out that the “first right” was a couple feet before where my teacher was standing. I saw a box with my phone in it, grabbed it, and told myself that I would just walk out and NOT look back at my teacher. A sudden urge took control of me, and I looked back… just to see my teacher walking out the door on the other side of the office. Again, I wasn’t sure if she saw me and left the office because she didn’t want to confront me or whether she genuinely had to leave, but for some reason I felt really destroyed at that point. I walked out of the office and headed home.
After all that, I felt like all I did was make mistakes in high school, and I feel like I’m suffering from a case of social anxiety. I couldn’t even engage a conversation with my 9th grade bio teacher at grad, I was too scared to approach my 11th grade math teacher or say sorry to her, I was too scared to ever go back to my high school over the course of my senior year to visit my few friends, I was angry at my parents for making me to attend my high school graduation. I was so frustrated with myself that I didn’t know what to do… I felt like I wasted too much time on Facebook rather than actually talking to people so I deactivated my Facebook. I’m still a bit solemn from my grad ceremony, and I’m promising myself that I’ll make more friends in college and that I’ll make sure that things will change. When I look at forums on websites like socialanxietysupport.com I 21 and 22 year olds in college that made the same promise to themselves 4 years ago, just to see in hindsight that nothing worked out. I fear that the same thing will happen to me. I’m naturally introverted, I don’t think I’d be able to be part of a theater group or anything so … lively in college because I’m really bad on thinking on my feet. so I don’t know what to say a lot of times… I’m not much of a talker… I’m more of an observer, so I’m a but concerned on where I’m going to end up in 4 years.
Anyway, this is a super long thread… I think I may have broken a record… definitely a personal record. I wanted to tell my graduation story right after I came home that night, and I just found the time. React however you want, feel free to offer me advice on whatever, or just say whatever you want. I just wanted to let my feelings out and I feel much better knowing that someone is reading what I wrote.
NC
near San Francisco, CA
12:56 AM