My LD son failed freshman year

Parents Forum Learning Differences and Challenges - LD, ADHD
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It sounds like the school dropped the ball to some extent, if I understand from your post that the advisor/professor did not show up for a meeting, passed him on to someone else who also didn’t show but passed him on to a third advisor who never responded to your son’s request for a meeting. If that is accurate, I would be pretty annoyed. However, trust but verify. I would also make sure that your son was telling the story in full.

Agree about the output failure as well as the anxiety that can be paralyzing when a kid gets too far behind or over their head. Not seeing a way out can lead to a loop of avoiding the class/work and so doing poorly.

Hugs to you and your son.

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102

A few more comments about “disabilities offices” (changed to accessible education at some schools recently, for obvious reasons). I view them as filters rather than advocates, and see their job as being “a guard dog for the curriculum,” basically making sure requests for accommodation are legit and don’t “pose undue financial or administrative burden” or “substantially change the curriculum.” I think it is wise to keep expectations of these offices low.

That said, they can, at some schools, help support extra advising or tutoring. In our experience, deans and other administrative staff really make things work in terms of accommodations, sometimes in communication with doctors or therapists who are involved.

When my “kid with challenges” went to college, we talked with the neuropsych about specific accommodations and I researched online. I wrote a letter for the psychiatrist to sign, and listed desired accommodations myself in that letter. The doctor did not mind because it saved them work.

The Disabilities Office will give the student letters for each professor saying that they are registered but may NOT list accommodations. At some schools they might, but at others there will be no list. In any case, it is entirely up to the student to tell the professor what they need (extension on paper, extra time on tests, note taker, single room, excused tardiness, whatever). If there is a problem with the professor, the student needs to find someone to help them with the situation. And so on.

If extra advising is provided as an accommodation, that advisor might help with some of this.

At one small college known for its personalized vibe, we were told outright that we needed to hire an outside coach. We could not afford that.

For another kid with medical issues, we had to realize there is a point where no accommodations will help the situation, and initiate medical leaves

So the college may or may not have dropped the ball (it sounds like they did partially, as did your son). But I hate to say it, and this is only our experience, but it helps to have low expectations of the Disabilities Office. They just register you. Professors, advisors and deans will be the important ones in the picture and your son will need to carry the ball.

And what the heck is “normal”? Normal and abnormal aren’t some sort of binary system :slight_smile: People are all unique, each and every one of us, and so are our brains. I hope your son can see his gifts.

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103

When they talked about this subject in a “Your College Bound Kid” podcast, another main theme that came up was how much variation there is from one college to another with its disability services office. They also emphasized that if you have a disabled student, then when you go to visit a school to check it out, you absolutely should and must set up time to visit that office to talk with them. Don’t just go on the regular campus tour and hope for the best.

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My DC was “smart” but had terrible executive functioning skills in HS. We suggested that they consider CC to learn “how to do college” without also managing being away from home, dorm and social life, etc.

During senior HS year, we felt like it was 50/50 if they could manage living away at school as a full time student. Luckily they decided (so we didn’t have to :smiley:) to stay home and go to CC, taking 3 classes/9 credits their first semester.

They stuck with 3 classes which ended up usually be 10 or 11 credits. They loved the CC, got involved, and kept the part time job they had started in HS.

Part time school, part time job was terrific for them! The job was great for helping with time management skills, building confidence, a good change of pace from school, etc.

Eventually, they transferred to state school, still living at home so they didn’t have to go full time (in order to live on campus). Ironically, they did end up full time (4 classes/12 credits) because of a scholars program they got into.

They also matured and actively sought out services at their schools.

It took them 6 years to graduate, but them being at home saved us a ton of money, and they saved a lot in their own bank account since they continued to work. They now have a great job in IT and a nice nest egg.

So OP - long story short, part time school, part time work may be a good option for your DC

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105

We backed off my DC’s senior year of HS - told them they were going to have to figure it out because we could not go to college with them and keep them on top of stuff.

We, and they, learned that they were not ready to go away to college before they actually did. So in our case, the backing off in HS was a good thing.

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106

There also comes a point that it is up to the kid - all the techniques, tips, and tricks are of no good unless the kids implements them. (Sounds like maybe that happened here.)

He will also mature over time which will help him accept his issues and start to take advantage of services, employ strategies, etc.

It is hard, but have no fear - he will find his path (not care about others’ paths) and will get there!

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107

This…and he will find a future career that aligns with his strengths and such.

I ran into someone I knew yesterday. I asked about how their kids were doing. One realized that working with his hands was far better for him than college. He works for a general contractor now, and loves it. He hopes to learn enough from this wonderful mentor to someday be the general contractor…although he really loves the building part…oh…and he is making terrific money too!

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108

College grading is elusive at best. Each professor is different. Some classes never have any grades posted until the midterm and they the final and final grade even if there were assignments along the way…they may be on a spreadsheet somewhere but not in the official college grading system. Others keep the raw score going so they think they are failing all semester and then have a B. So there may be a good chance he did not know. It is super frustrating for them.

Helping him break down the syllabus for each class he takes on in the future may need to be a non-negotiable. That is where we got with my DS during Covid. Then if he complained about not knowing something or about the grading, I would remind him to look there. If there is an actual complaint needed by the student to the dean they will go back to the syllabus as well when investigating any discrepancies.

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109

K-12 is the only time in our lives we are sorted into groups by our birthday. In college that band is a little more elastic, but drop into a university or CCs and there are loads of folks of all different ages in the classrooms.

“Getting behind his peers” is a normal fear because it’s logically based on his own context of the world of K-12 and being sorted his entire life by how old he is; having a job in an office or a shop or on a boat or where have you, going to the grocery store, i.e. entering the world of adults…that sense will change, he just hasn’t been part of that world just yet.

When I was his age, my friends were just my age. I’m Turing 50 this year, and I now have friends (and peers) in their 30s-60s. It will shift for him too!

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110

OP- hugs to you. Challenging situation for sure.

As an outsider- it sounds as though you are trying to solve for multiple things simultaneously and that often doesn’t work. It might help to break down what’s on the table in front of you- pick one thing- and figure that out, then tackle the next thing.

In my world, the life skills (in this case, recognizing when you need help and figuring out how to get it) usually trump everything else. So the job sounds terrific- he’ll have colleagues and supervisors (and clients/customers) and he’ll need to recognize when he’s falling behind or overwhelmed.

You may need to consciously step back from the role you are used to playing. He knows how to set an alarm to wake up-- you can’t be the one reminding him he has an early shift. When he’s living in a dorm, there is no parental scaffolding on the alarm setting/wake up early dimension. You can’t be the one running his work uniform or shirts through the wash- he needs to remember when he gets home to run the load if he wants to be ready for work the next day.

Etc.

Also- you mentioned that it wasn’t excessive partying that did him in. I want to push back on that a little- I’m not suggesting that he was at drunken raves every night. Just that parents don’t quite understand the 24/7 “someone’s always around” climate in a dorm these days. Someone has an online game going just when you get bored with homework. Someone in the room across from yours has a bunch of guys playing poker and laughing hysterically, the room down the hall is playing something else, your roommate wants to order pizza, the guy one floor up thinks it would be hilarious to take a midnight swim before the pool closes and the athletes go home.

Three ring circus. Food everywhere all the time (thank you Uber eats) and no shortage of friends who want to hang out. So recognize that if this is the type of environment which distracts him-- his claims that he just “fell behind” are a bit lacking in introspection.

But tackle first things first. He’s living at home and has a job- yay! Now you need to practice NOT advising him, supporting him, letting him flounder and figure it out in a low stakes way. The consequences for being late for work are immediate-- an aggravated boss who is NOT your mom will yell at you. Let him experience this and solve it on his own. No amount of warning “You can’t be late for work” is a substitute for an irate supervisor!

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111

It is normal that he worries about falling behind his peers when all his friends are in college. The best way to get back on track with them is to do very well in community college classes-most have courses beginning in May. With a strong record, he can then transfer in January, or maybe even Sept if he is very lucky.

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Landmark College in Vermont caters to students with disabilities and gives everyone a real college experience living on campus. I know someone who went to college there and liked it a lot. She now has a computer tech job. You might want to check it out. There are probably others like Landmark if you search google. Otherwise a community college would be good.

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113

Amen! This is the way. (Yes, we’ve been watching the Mandalorian.)

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114

I read it in his voice before I even saw your comment in parentheses.

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We have two LD kids who have completed college and grad school (although one is going back for an additional degree on a part-time basis). Both kids initially had weak executive skills. This is common with kids with LDs, although they often catch up. We decided to supplement their executive skills with coaching and in both cases, I think it was beneficial.

For ShawSon, we had used a coach who worked with him on planning his work and his week when he was in HS and we continued to work with her for the first two years of college. Over time, his executive functioning skills improved a lot. [He co-founded a company in his senior year of college and was CEO for the first 1.5 years. He founded a second company during grad school and recruited the kid he thought was the best leader in his business school class to be the CEO because he didn’t think being CEO played to his strengths.].

With ShawD, she did not want to work with that coach, but we got the Disabilities Services Office (or whatever it was called) at her school to provide a student in her field of study who worked with her once a week on planning. That was extremely helpful to her.

Neither kids was a big partier – ShawSon was a nerd who preferred board games to drinking and ShawD was studying nursing and had 2-3 jobs during the school year (which she did not need to do as we were paying for everything) and had no time for lots of partying, although at the end of the semester, she and her friends who have a blow-out night or weekend.

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