I also want to address your comments about your son saying he was doing fine, etc…
Kids don’t like to admit that they aren’t doing well. They hide stuff. When I was failing classes at CC, I lied to my parents. It was a lot easier to do back then. My son did not want to admit that he was in danger of failing a class. I finally pulled it out of him, at which point we made a plan to address the issue. He sought help from the TA, met with the professor, and got a tutor. He passed the class, but he nearly left it too late. Many kids don’t realize until too late that at college, getting help early is very important.
If you are paying for your child’s education, you are able to set some conditions. We had access to both our kids’ grades at college. If your son goes back and you financially support in him, it is fair to insist on having access to his grades.
I need help finding that right person that will connect with him and understand that he’s sensitive to his weaknesses. This group is a wealth of knowledge
Luckily, he got hired yesterday to work for a staffing agency that hires for events. He could be everything from a server to a cook to valet guy. It should be a good opportunity for him to gain some experience and be around lots of people.
I think he’s worried about getting behind his peers. How do I help him understand that’s not a thing? I also agree that the path may find him as he goes through these next few years. Thx for all your insight
My mom doesn’t live far from Orange Coast College. She says it’s a great school. It’s definitely something to look at for him.
As for Beacon, I read mixed things. The same with Lynn & Landmark. And socially, he’s strong so I’m not sure those schools, being fairly small, would feel isolating, especially after going to a traditional, 4-year mid-sized college (despite the academic failure).
And I will look at those Florida schools and see if any of them would be a good option. He really wants to go away in the Fall. TY
Yes, of course. We had access for the 2nd semester but it was too little, too late. The school was not the right academic fit for him so we are moving on to ensure wherever he goes next will be more appropriate for his learning style
Typically, small schools are able to offer much more individual attention. Professors are focused on undergrads and not research. It is easier to get to know people and there is typically a collaborative and noncompetitive environment at smaller colleges. When considering next steps, don’t disregard smaller colleges.
As far as social aspects go, students at small colleges can easily form strong bonds. I don’t think most people on this board would describe small colleges as socially isolating. In fact, sometimes large colleges are socially isolating because it’s easy to get lost in a crowd and harder to stand out.
I’ve been reading through this thread with interest. I connect with a lot of what you’ve shared. My S21 finished his first semester with a .75 GPA. He’s fortunate that he chose a school that scaffolded around him second semester so that he could feel some success and right size a bit. But it could just as easily have gone the other way.
Mostly what I think of in reading your posts is that idea that “both things can be true”. It can be true that the high school he was in was right for him AND that college knocked him flat. It can be true that college knocked him flat to start AND that he will end up with a college degree if he wants. It can be true that a smaller school may provide the right kind of support and access for him AND he also needs the stimulation of a larger environment. Maybe in the case of that last one there is a happy middle of a smaller school in a larger city somewhere.
Life is long. And on his path there is just as much value in finding what doesn’t work or what he doesn’t want. If he pokes around he may find that there are a bunch of kids like him from his high school or town that are learning those same lessons right now. He is for sure not the only one.
He’s lucky to have someone like you in his corner. Wishing him the best in the next step on his path.
I was not happy with the support at the college. They dropped the ball. My son bears some responsibility, but he is not a go-getter type. I’m that way, whereas he’s more laid-back, like my husband. I would have been banging on their door but that’s not him. So we start over.
And yes, both things can be true. I know my son is smart and likes to be in an academic environment that is stimulating. He said he thought his classes were so much more interesting than high school, but he just didn’t connect with the course requirements and didn’t seek out help to understand how to break down what was being asked of him. It’s a lot to take in and I think he was scared to ask for help for fear that he would be seen as dumb. It’s typical of LD kids to feel that way but at some point, he needs to embrace whatever his challenges are and figure out how to get where he wants to go. He’s not a big picture thinker so imaging his future, outside of “being successful and making money” is not an easy thing for him to envision.
My brother has sever dyslexia so I grew up with more understanding than most about the limitations of LD kids. My brother happens to be very creative and an incredible artist. He went to the only college that accepted him and graduated and forged a career in the toy industry, working as a toy inventor for one of the largest toy companies in the world. He still can’t spell for beans, but he figured out how to be successful.
I know my son will figure it out. It’s just hard when there’s not clear cut direction. He’s feeling some anger over not being “normal.” I feel for him. I’ve explained that the help is there and he’s not the only one who struggles. For whatever reason, when you’re in it, it doesn’t feel that way.
It is good that he has a job as a first step. It sounds as if he was able to self-advocate in high school but just didnt transfer those skills and work habits to college. Time for him to realize that it is his responsibility to find work arounds for his challenges, however he does that. Although he wants to go away in the fall, that is likely not possible with a 1.0 gpa. Is he on academic probation at his first college? He will need to demonstrate that he can indeed do college work-most CC have 2 summer sessions. If he successfully completes courses in those, plus a good fall, a January transfer may be possible if he is sufficiently motivated-it will be entirely up to him.
Can I make a gentle suggestion? I know it is really hard, but it would be productive to move away from the perspective that the college dropped the ball and try to get your son to acknowledge that this is his responsibility and that he has the power to correct it. Outside of special disability colleges, I do not think there is any school that is going to offer your son clear cut directions about what he has to do or follow up to ensure that he is indeed doing that. It is up to him to figure out what he needs and how to get that from the college or other sources, and to figure out what works for him. He has the agency to do that, he just needs to start. He can do this.
OP, you seem to be handling this really difficult situation with grace. Your kid’s interest and curiosity and his good social skills will no doubt serve him well.
Just an idea… Have you reached out to the team at the high school he attended for access to resources and ideas? It sounds like the way they delivered content worked for him, they know him, and they are well-resourced around his LD. No guarantee they’d be up for being helpful but also, I would imagine they’d rather not know that they’d sent a successful student off to doom.
I have a good friend whose 11th grader son has severe dysgraphia and one other LD which I can’t remember right now. His dysgraphia is such that you truly cannot understand what he’s written when he writes it out by hand.
I think that your son has some maturing to do. He needs to learn how to embrace who he is. And PART of who he is…is somebody with learning disabilities. And part of embracing and accepting who you are also means learning how to advocate for yourself.
Speaking up for yourself.
Seeking out help at the start of the term, not halfway through after you failed the midterm.
Going to office hours regularly.
Confused about how to write a research paper? Go to the tutoring/writing center on campus. Right away.
Maybe use a “life coach” to meet with you virtually each week to help keep you on track about stuff.
There’s a couple of really good “Your College Bound Kid” podcasts from a few months ago in which they talked in good detail about factors that one should consider when you have a disabled student. I’ll go find them and will post links here later today. They brought up some excellent points…the main one of which was that parents should not expect the college to coddle their kid like they might have been in HS…that colleges have services and assistance for disabled students, but the student has to advocate for themselves, speak up, sign up for it, and TELL their professors what their accommodation needs are.
If a student isn’t even willing to speak up about that, then you have to get over that hump first.
I know someone who works at Univ of San Diego and that person recently went and asked a bunch of professors in the neuroscience and biology departments AND asked in the disabled students office about how this whole thing works (because they have a LD kid).
They were resoundingly told that this is VERY common…that about a good 25% of their students there get some sort of accommodation for a disability.
AND that it’s really no big deal like a lot of kids think. A lot of it results in extra time on tests and extra time to complete assignments.
But your first hurdle is that your son has to be willing to tell others that he needs help.
I think that starting with maybe ONE or 2 community college classes would be a good start.
I am a huge YCBK fan I tried very hard to give my son the tools he needed and when I was encouraged to allow him to advocate for himself, I did just that. He managed to get through school with B’s and got into a very good college. It was my son’s choice to not go to the disabilities office until it was too late. I agree, and it has been said many times in this thread, that he needs time to mature. And believe me, I told him many, many times that the disability offices were for all the students who needed support - it wasn’t just him! As well, his college had academic support for non-LD kids because EVERYONE needs support in college. For whatever reason, he didn’t head my advice/input/warnings and that’s the part that I think he needs help with, understanding what his specific challenges are and working towards integrating them into the life he wants to live. Thanks for your comment
You are so sweet to say that because inside I am very stressed about this situation I have reached out to the school because it’s a small community and my younger son is still a student there. The head of the school has become a good friend - she’s known my older son since he entered - and when I told her what was happening, she seemed very concerned. We agreed to talk again but I have not yet reached out to schedule time with her, but I will.
It is a very fine line to walk between giving him autonomy and setting him up for success. I appreciate your gentle suggestion I will say tho, if you set up a meeting with a student and then the person doesn’t show and you say hey what’s up and then they pass you to another person and then that person doesn’t show and then a 3rd person reaches out to you and says when can you meet with me and you give them times and then they don’t respond, that’s kind of dropping the ball. And my son had receipts of the communication so it’ snot just he said she said. It was disappointing to see it with my own eyes. Yes, he could have gone to the tutoring for pre-calc, but this is where he said maybe I’m just lazy. But if you know failing will keep you from coming back next semester, why would you not try? This is where “The Myth of Laziness” and output failure comes into play. I honestly think that he has a deficiency that keeps him from trying when he knows it’s likely he will fail. This is the barrier that needs examining.
We have let him know he needs to drive the train to get back to a dorm-life college experience. He’s not happy about it, but I think he knows deep down we are not wrong.
Can I just send a collective THANK YOU to all of you who have dipped their toe into this thread to offer their experience, knowledge and suggestions, gentle or otherwise I truly appreciate this online community for your compassion and sensitivity to our situation. We are all in this together and it takes a village, right?! Thank you again I’m trying my best to keep up with everyone and hope I addressed everyone’s questions/comments. We’re knee deep in now
I just came back to say again, nothing else matters until he can read fluently and understand what he’s is reading without difficulty and without anxiety about approaching it.
His reading and reading comprehension difficulties will be a secret shame his whole life and will will affect his self-esteem until he gets that in order.
Do you think it’s a possibility that he’d conflicted about being proactive to get what he needs and about getting ahead because it will require reading and understanding? Yes, he wants help and he wants to be “normal,” but doing so will require confronting his reading difficulties head on. And that might be stopping him. He’s been able to sort of veer around it in high school. But not now.
This may be a tough question to answer, but here it is: Is he functionally literate? Can he read and write to solve real-life problems? Like finding on the college’s website and reading about what he has to do to get help. Like reading the professor’s instructions and being able to understand and follow through with them. Like writing a cogent email to a professor or to the special services department.
Further, has anyone been enabling him to veer around these real-life issues? Does he subtly ask other to read and explain things to him? Does he avoid reading instructions and just say, “I know what to do.” Is it possible that in HS teachers (or parents) explained things to him to the point that he avoided reading?
Please understand…support in colleges needs to be accessed by the student. There will be no one chasing your student around asking if he needs help. He needs to do this himself. At most colleges, if disabilities grants modifications, the student needs to make sure the instructors know about them…and give them to the student. Where study groups, and tutoring are provided, the student needs to ask for this help.
Note…not the parents, and not the teachers…the student.
The one thing your son needs to learn is self advocacy, and seeking help before it’s too late. No one will do that for him in college.
Another thought. There has been some discussion about his reading and writing skills being weak. The first thing you need to understand…and he needs to understand is why this is the case. Is it word decoding? Comprehension…and if so at what level?
Dysgraphia meaning he has difficulty writing with a pen or pencil? There are so many ways to accommodate this…voice activated software, regular keyboarding skills, etc. What has he used that was successful in the past.
I think a full assessment of these skills with someone experienced in young adult learning issues would help everyone. It sounds like his last assessment was a long while ago.
I honestly think the key to progressing for any student with learning differences is to understand those differences, and how to seek help.
I tried very hard to give my son the tools he needed and when I was encouraged to allow him to advocate for himself, I did just that. He managed to get through school with B’s and got into a very good college. It was my son’s choice to not go to the disabilities office until it was too late. I agree, and it has been said many times in this thread, that he needs time to mature. And believe me, I told him many, many times that the disability offices were for all the students who needed support - it wasn’t just him! As well, his college had academic support for non-LD kids because EVERYONE needs support in college. For whatever reason, he didn’t head my advice/input/warnings and that’s the part that I think he needs help with, understanding what his specific challenges are and working towards integrating them into the life he wants to live. Thanks for your comment 
I have reached out to the school because it’s a small community and my younger son is still a student there. The head of the school has become a good friend - she’s known my older son since he entered - and when I told her what was happening, she seemed very concerned. We agreed to talk again but I have not yet reached out to schedule time with her, but I will.
I will say tho, if you set up a meeting with a student and then the person doesn’t show and you say hey what’s up and then they pass you to another person and then that person doesn’t show and then a 3rd person reaches out to you and says when can you meet with me and you give them times and then they don’t respond, that’s kind of dropping the ball. And my son had receipts of the communication so it’ snot just he said she said. It was disappointing to see it with my own eyes. Yes, he could have gone to the tutoring for pre-calc, but this is where he said maybe I’m just lazy. But if you know failing will keep you from coming back next semester, why would you not try? This is where “The Myth of Laziness” and output failure comes into play. I honestly think that he has a deficiency that keeps him from trying when he knows it’s likely he will fail. This is the barrier that needs examining.
I truly appreciate this online community for your compassion and sensitivity to our situation. We are all in this together and it takes a village, right?! Thank you again 