My parents only care about prestige

Parent Cafe
1

Hello, I’m a rising senior preparing to apply to college. We’ve decided to tour four schools this summer that are in California (since we live in California), Harvey Mudd, Caltech, UC Berkeley, and Stanford. I suggested the first 3 but my mother insisted on the fourth even though I have no desire to apply to Stanford (I never particularly liked the school more than any others and with their acceptance rate there’s really no point). To give you an idea of my parents’ attitudes toward college, here are some things they have done:

When my older sister went to community college, anytime someone would ask where she was going to college they would lie and say she was going to UCLA because it’s more prestigious and well-known. When I asked them why they do it they said it was because they “forgot” the name of her actual school (lucky for them my sister got into UCLA as a transfer and will be attending in the fall so they are overjoyed that they don’t have to lie anymore).

When I decided to first approach them about college in spring of junior year (I had been afraid before then), my father came up with a list of colleges for me and said I have to go to one on this list. He also texted the list to my mom. This list consisted of Harvard, Yale, Princeton, Stanford, and MIT.

My mother keeps saying that she might be “too tired” to go on the tour of Harvey Mudd and Caltech even though it is weeks away and doing other things to suggest that she doesn’t want to go. This is because my mother hadn’t heard of either Harvey Mudd or Caltech before I suggested that we tour them and therefore doesn’t think they are prestigious.

Since my mom insisted that we tour Stanford I suggested that we also tour UC Berkeley while we’re at it . At first she was very reluctant and said it’s probably like all the other UCs (she’s been to UCSD). In order to persuade her, I did something that I really didn’t want to do, pulled up the [US News world rankings](http://www.usnews.com/education/best-global-universities/rankings?int=a27a09) and showed her it was ranked #3, above Stanford (I don’t actually believe in choosing colleges based on these rankings, but it was the only way to convince her). After seeing that she was totally on board with touring.

Anytime I suggest that I might not want to go to HYPSM, they say that I’m squandering my potential and such. My mom says she wants me to go to a school that, as soon as someone hears it’s name, they’ll be impressed. So essentially, my parents really want to impress people with the school I go to.

They also want me to be a doctor, by the way. (But they are against engineering for some strange reason). I don’t want to be a doctor at all.

How can I show my parents that prestige isn’t everything?

2

Will your parents disown you, refuse to cooperate with college financing (i.e. pay and/or fill in financial aid forms), or otherwise become hostile if you do not attend HYPSM? What if you do not even get admitted to any of them? Or do not get into any medical school?

It should not be too difficult to go through the motions of applying to HYPSM but not get admitted. Nor should it be too difficult to go through the motions of pre-med and not get admitted to medical school, although it could be a big waste of time to take pre-med courses if you are otherwise not interested in them.

What college(s), major(s), and professional goals are you really interested in?

3
  1. Are your stats a match for those types of schools?
  2. Can you afford those schools?

If the answers are Yes, then you have a tough road. I have seen this issue come up on CC many times so I’m sure other people will chime in with suggestions. I’m guessing you have had a heart to heart talk, and maybe shown them stats of people who have very successful lives despite going to a (gasp) not top tier college.

Really do your parents think that the vast majority of people who don’t go to HYP etc end up destitute or in jobs they hate?

4

@ucbalumnus I don’t think they would disown me, haha, but I’m not sure how they would react. They would definitely have at least some hostility. I’d rather not go through the work of applying to schools that I have no intention of going to but I guess I will if I have to. My current academic interests are math and computer science and perhaps engineering but those could change. I have no idea what I want to do after college but I definitely don’t want to be a doctor. Thanks.

5

I doubt you will be able to change their thought process but showing them positive things about each of the schools you are interested in seems like a good route. Every school compiles various PR awards and rankings that you can spam the parents with. My son goes to the University of Chicago which is pretty up there on most rankings but some of the older generation of our family who live far from the midwest really have no idea. They think it’s like a city college anyone can go to. We just laugh it off when people don’t understand that it’s a good school knowing that the people who are doing the hiring for the types of jobs he will be applying will definitely know. I know Harvey Mudd is like that where some people haven’t heard of it but those who will influence your future like grad schools and employers will certainly be impressed. I would just make sure you keep everything as positive as possible since presumably they will be paying and you need to have some amount of their support. Hopefully you can keep them out of the loop on your choice of majors especially once you aren’t living at home. Good luck!

6

@surfcity I got a 2340 on the SAT and I have a 3.9 unweighted gpa (ranked 9 out of about 860). I’m also a URM since my parents are from Nigeria. My parents don’t care about cost at all (or so they say) but our EFC according to the calculator is about $3000. My father was in the military so we also get some financial benefits at some schools from that.

7

With those stats and your URM status you have a “danger” (haha) of being accepted to a HYPSM, so do not apply anywhere you don’t want to end up. That’s all I got. :wink:

8

Based on what you wrote here your parents are wise people and you should listen to them (minus the doctor part). Apply HYPSM.

9

Be careful – they may be expecting you to take unreasonable amounts of loans to attend an expensive school to satisfy their prestige desires (however, HYPSM and UCs are generally good for financial aid for low EFC students).

Math, CS, and engineering are often high prestige subjects. What causes your parents to think that they are not? There is partial overlap with pre-med, but going through the motions of pre-med would mean adding chemistry and biology courses that you are presumably not interested in.

10

@ucbalumnus So I’m a pretty shy/quiet person in real life. I have some issues with social anxiety. That’s one of the reasons I think I might be able to do better in a smaller school. My father told my mother that engineers have to talk a lot in their jobs and that I wouldn’t do well. My mom is a nurse and says that some doctors barely have to interact with people and that I should become one of those types of doctors. Does anyone know how true their statements are?

11

Physicians have to talk to patients, other physicians, nurses, and others in the health care field. So it is not like that would be any different from those in engineering or computing. Indeed, the latter may be more predictable in terms of social interaction, since many work with predictable and slow changing sets of co-workers every day, while physicians have to handle new patients frequently.

12

It sounds like you might very well get a full ride to a top school. Is there a particular reason you’ve eliminated HYPSM? They all have excellent CS and engineering programs. You can major in CS or engineering and tell your parents it’s pre-med, which is not technically untrue. Then just get a job once you graduate instead of going on to med school.

Although as a former California resident I can understand a desire to stay in CA. In that case you have UCB and UCLA as excellent parent-approved options. Harvey Mudd is also excellent - I’m sure they’d show up as very highly ranked in any college ranking for STEM.

13

Engineering and computing are chock full of people with social interaction issues.

14

Your parents don’t know much. Caltech is a very prestigious STEM school. I think Harvey Mudd is less well known but also top notch.

15

@anomander I don’t mind not being in California. I’ve not completed eliminated HYPSM, as I do have some interest in MIT, I just don’t think the others would be a good fit for me. I’ve not visited or anything so maybe I have the wrong impression but I’d like to go to a school that’s very collaborative and with lots of support from staff and students and nice people. I think a school like UChicago fits my personality better, based on what I read in the Fiske guide and online.

16

Chicago does not have ABET accredited engineering.

17

Email admissions at the colleges that interest you. They should be able to send you brochures and such about how fabulous the education is and how successful their grads are to show your parents.

Also, this came across on my blog feed. These are at very selective colleges but some have better admit rates than Mudd and Caltech, which are still lottery schools in many ways. Would your parents let you visit other schools if the schools give you a free ticket?

http://www.globalmi.org/blog/2016/college-fly-in-programs-for-2016-2017

You have a year to work on your parents, but if they will not set foot on other campuses even to visit, it’s going to be hard work. Keep trying, it will take persistence and regular conversations. Use Google alerts to help find articles about the schools you are interested in and share them a bit at a time. They may never think Mudd is as good as Stanford, but they may eventually agree it’s good enough.

18

As others said, you have better than average chances to get into top schools; however, I still think you should look at match schools - other UCs, for example, or UW which has great engineering programs.
You can also count on a full ride at a wide variety of schools, meaning that your parents will not fund your education. Once they sign the FAFSA, they have no control over where you apply, either, particularly if you get application fees waived. And since they are not the ones paying, you have standing making your own decisions where to enroll and what to study. You might not even need the veterans’ education benefits from your dad’s military service.
Their ideas about how engineers and doctors work are shockingly wrong and if you follow their advice, you will end up unhappy and your issues will escalate.
Lastly, if your parents do not want to tour the colleges with you, go by yourself or with your sister.

19

@ucbalumnus Yeah, I know. If I went there I’d do math or computer science. Thanks.

20

It’s never been easier to research schools and their accomplishments. Google, find articles extolling the schools you’re interested in, print them out, and hand them to your mom. You can say, “look mom, Forbes just listed this as the #2 school for highest mid-career salaries – ahead of Harvard!” Or “This school’s alums and faculty have won a whopping 33 Nobel Prizes.”

She should quickly learn just how elite these schools are.

Whether you can get in and/or afford them, is a whole other question, so prepare yourself accordingly, do your research, and by golly apply to safeties.