My parents have always dreamed of me becoming a doctor.
I used to want to be one too, but I’d prefer to become a teacher now.
My parents are pulling the “what will other people think, what will people say when we try to get you married? They’ll tell you to quit your job!” (I’m from a conservative immigrant Indian family).
They mock me whenever I say I want to be a mathematics professor and always have something negative to say. They compare me to other kids ALL THE DAMN TIME.
I cry because I’m so stressed out (about school, grades, etc.), but then they tell me that I’m stressed out because I spend too much time texting my friends and reading books. One day they tell me grades don’t matter, and if I want to be a doctor I should continue working hard, and the next day they scream at me for making a 93 in English.
They yell at me for listening to music. Anything I do that isn’t considered perfect by their standards is WRONG.
And I’m wrong for not wanting to study medicine.
But here’s the catch- I never said I didn’t want to study medicine at all. I just hinted at wishing to explore other fields, and they got extremely angry.
Above all that, they have trust issues with me and don’t believe me when I say I don’t do anything bad.
They assume that I do drugs, and have 3000 boyfriends and have sex every day.
But I don’t have a license, I’m only 15 years old, and I just sit in my room, do homework, and cry.
They think I’m a horrible, selfish jerk and I’m not good at anything.
They tell me this every time they get angry. “You’re a talentless, selfish, stupid, dumbass. You’re good at nothing and you never will be. You’re just gonna make out family go broke, so you might as well go die.”
I know they don’t actually mean it when they say horrible things like this, but it really hurts. A lot.
What should I do?? Is there anyone I can talk to that’ll help me get through this?
They don’t want me to text my friends, watch TV, read books, spend time with people who aren’t their friends’ children, and god forbid, play games on my phone.
So I cut off my friendships with most of my friends, except for one person. He happens to be a guy. And I’m a girl.
He is my best friend. He is so close to me that I consider him as the brother I never had. My parents, on the other hand, think he’s my boyfriend or something and absolutely despise that I’m friends with him… What’s wrong with being friends with someone of the opposite gender?? It’s not like I would date him or do bad things!!! Why don’t they trust me or appreciate me for the things I do? I feel like I should just kill myself like they asked me to do. Then they’d appreciate my existence, but only after I would be gone.
What year are you in HS.
You can major in ANYTHING to apply to medical school as long as you take the required courses.
It’s not a bad idea to have a plan B if you aspire to medical school.
I’d stop talking about majors at this point. It’s stressing you AND your parents.
And really…at most colleges, there is no such major as “premed”.
I’m in 9th grade.
You can major in math while still going through the motions of being pre-med while in college (pre-meds can be any major). Once you graduate from college with your bachelor’s degree in math, you will be free from any college funding leverage that your parents have.
@AkkaRules2003 I am so sorry that a 9th grader has to endure that kind of emotional stress. I think @ucbalumnus has a great plan. You can major in math and take some science courses on a “pre-med” track. Once you have your degree, there are plenty of ways to earn ED certification (or a Masters, PhD). Hang in there.
I would also contact your guidance counselor at school to see if they can help with the toll this is taking. You need some help.
I agree with this advice. I would add that you should make an appointment to talk to your school’s guidance counselor. They are there to help. When I was in high school, my parents didn’t like my boyfriend (in retrospect, they were right, but that’s a different story!). He and I talked to our counselor, and it helped a lot. I think you need some support outside your home.
You are in ninth grade?
At this point…you can smile and nod. Your parents might actually change their minds in the years before you apply.
Wow. I have a friend (parent of one of my children’s friends). His parents pushed him to become a doctor, then a surgeon, then a pediatric brain surgeon. When he was about 40. He quit. He no longer works in the medical field. He too came from a traditional 1st generation family ( not Indian). He has great soul and his parents stole part of his life. That is wrong in many ways.
I would suggest you say yes to everything and do your own thing. If you must take a medical related field to get your undergraduate degree you could also double major in something else. At some point, you will have to create a break with them or they will have to allow you to live on your own terms. This is a different nation and freedom of choice is important. Try to find someone who can help that is not from the same mindset as your parents.
Parents should present opportunities and help shape their children’s lives. They should not dictate how they should live, whom to marry, what job to do, how many kids to have etc. those are your decisions.
As an Indian parent, I found it appalling that your parents are behaving like parents from 30-40 years ago. You don’t need to tell career choices to your parent now. Lot of people change their minds in college, so no need to get stressed out. So as others suggested, tell them that you will be a premed with major in math and may be minor in one of the sciences or just do the required courses and decided in 2nd or 3rd year of college.
They can’t tell you what to be, who to be and who to like forever. For now, smile and nod, but have a long term plan. Ride their money train all the way through undergrad, get a degree and then do what you want. There’s lots of majors that can lead or appear to lead to med school, but don’t. Double majoring with something you love is a great idea. Sometimes getting your way takes time. Smile on the outside knowing on the inside that ultimately you will be able to do whatever you want to do, but just not at this moment. You can’t see it right now, but there will be a day, not that far off, where you can distance yourself from them as much as you want.
I am so sorry that you are going through this. Some of what you describe boarders on abuse. No parent should tell a child that she should just die. It doesn’t matter if the parent is angry or if he “doesn’t really mean it.” Verbal abuse is abuse. If there is an adult that you trust that you can talk to, please do.
I think this is a very difficult time to be an adolescent. The pressure to be perfect all the time has never been so intense. When I was a kid, a 93 was a grade to be celebrated, not a disappointment. Just know that in a few short years, you will be an adult and responsible for your own life and choices. This is not forever.
This is no way to treat a child. Please take care of yourself. I see many people advise in this thread and other similar ones to just be patient, smile and wait until you get away. I don’t think this is right. You have a right to enjoy your life as an adolescent, not suffer for four years. Talk to a counselor, keep looking for help if this doesn’t work. You need other adults’ support.
This isn’t about where you go to college or what you study. It’s about having emotionally abusive parents. Abuse isn’t cultural. It’s wrong. Please go and speak to a counselor at your school, if not the guidance counselor, the school nurse. You need some support from a trusted adult to deal with this because no child should have to live this way.
You should consider what will make your life easier. You aren’t opposed to medicine, so when your parents suggest going for medicine, agree (and think to yourself that you will be teaching math to med students). You are agreeing to something that won’t happen for 9 years! Enjoy all the things you can about pre pre pre medicine. Do your best in math, and in science, and ask them to sign you up for camps that will surely include a lot of math fun for you and a little science for them.
Please don’t be miserable for 4 years of high school and another 4 of college. There will be a lot to interest you. Medical school admission is so competitive that no one who doesn’t really want to go has a shot, so they can’t force you into med school but keep that your secret (for NINE years). Who knows, by then it may be your first choice.
It is way too soon to plan your post college career. You can listen to your parents and ignore them (like most teens). You still have three years of HS before you even go to college, much less a professional school. Plenty of time.
Regardless of your future career plans you need to do your best as a HS student. This means taking the most rigorous classes that fit you and doing well in them. This gives you good study habits, a solid foundation of knowledge and better chances of going to a college of your choice. HS includes a wide variety of subjects. It is good to add music, arts, sports, a foreign language to the basics in math, science, language arts and social studies.
At your age I vehemently stated I was only going to take the required two years of science. I ended up majoring in chemistry and then became a physician back when fewer women did it. Who knew? Perhaps your passion will still be teaching. For now it doesn’t matter when dealing with your parents.
HS is a time to explore many interests through your after school activities- extracurriculars (EC’s). Join a future teachers club if you want. ALL ECs are valuable in getting accepted to a college. You need to go to college before you can apply to medical school. And- in your favor, any college will do for getting into a medical school.
So, you can cool it regarding your distant future for now. There is nothing you need to do differently in HS to become a teacher, a doctor or a myriad of other professions. It would be good for your HS guidance counselor to meet with your parents to explain things. They need to back off on determining your future. Knowing you have the freedom to do as you like in HS should help.
As far as the social life- current medical school expectations are that future doctors relate well with patients. It is not enough to just to the science aspect, regardless of the specialty. A justification for having fun and diverse activities now.
A lot changes in your teen years. Hopefully your parents will learn a lot as well. If they still are as clueless when you are thinking college don’t be worried. You choose colleges that are affordable and fit you. You choose any major you want because medical school is merely an intention and all majors work as long as you take the needed courses for admission. Once in college you take the courses you want to- your parents have no say. Four years from now you will be able to be in charge of your life.
**** VERY IMPORTANT: READ AND FOLLOW POST # 12****
So- relax about your far future career and drop the matter. See your guidance counselor about the severity of your parent problems this month. You need another adult’s support.
Do you have any older relatives who have been in the US longer and are a bit more relaxed with their kids regarding majors & education? If so, can you try to get them to talk to your parents? I also agree that you should talk to your GC at school And 9th grade is when more extra curricular options open up. If you are doing one of those after school, they can’t very well stop you from talking with your friends while you are doing it. Speech, debate, quiz bowl, math club if there is one, robotics team – things like that can give you some time doing something interesting and productive AND spending time with friends.
You won’t change your parents overnight. There will be days when you really just need to endure until you can get away to college. You want to stay on a track where you get to live on campus at college – don’t fight with them so much that they take that away.
If you have any other immigrant friends in the same boat, you can maybe bond with then over this issue, too.
And as other posters have said, there is no “pre-med major”. There are pre-med pre-requisite courses you have to take in college, and you need to do well on the MCAT exam taken before applying to med school. But you can major in anything. My nephew was a history major, and is an MD now. So I’d just let that ride for now, and even sign up for the first pre-med pre-reqs when you get to college. Don’t fight this in the open.
By the way, I remembered a wonderful Indian movie I watched not long ago, called “Three Idiots”. If you haven’t yet, watch it with your parents. It’s very funny and raises the topic of parental pressure and arranged marriages.
Well, I guess that you could do both. Teach at a medical school.
Although your parents want a successful life for you (according to their definition of successful), you are being verbally & psychologically abused.
Regardless of what you do or do not pursue as a profession, you are going to have some serious emotional & psychological scars as a result of constantly being belittled & threatened by those whom you love & should be your protectors.
I encourage you to read some psychology books to help you deal with this constant verbal abuse.
Maybe you can seek confidential counseling at school, but I worry that the school might be required to contact local authorities due to your age. Please find some psychology books to read in order to cope with your current situation & in order to minimize any emotional & psychological scarring.
Your parents love you, but their expression of concern for your future is being done in a counterproductive & completely unacceptable manner. Your home life is not normal as your parents want to control you beyond reasonable limits.
You need a healthy outlet such as exercise, reading & talking with a trusted friend or two.
If your parents attempt at controlling you becomes more severe, you will have to seek help from an adult guidance counselor or other qualified professional.
Parents are supposed to nurture & protect their children, not terrorize them in an effort to maintain complete control over their children.
Love is about trust. Your parents need to trust you. And they need to trust themselves that, by their example, you will become a successful person. Absolute control is not love; it is abuse fueled by fear & insecurity.
Unfortunately, I’ve seen some students in situations like yours. Their parents (usually) want the best for their offspring and feel like they must push (hard) or their kids will fall through the cracks. This isn’t true, but it’s their perception.
First, do well in school anyway. It’s your ticket to freedom in the future. With potential merit aid, you can most often find schools to attend without their backing if you end up needing that.
Secondly, you don’t need to fight the doctor battle right now. You could use it a little in your favor by showing your parents that to get into a good college, then future med school (should you choose that route), you NEED extra curriculars on your resume. Find web sites to show them this - or enlist a guidance counselor. What do you like to do? Try some clubs, music, or sports (or anything) and you will most likely also find friends. If you keep your grades up along the way, your parents should be satisfied - even proud.
Few 9th graders know what they want to do. Some do, of course, but many change their mind along the way. Keep your mind and eyes open. Realize that as a bottom line all you need to do to avoid med school is write in your application that you don’t really want to follow that route. You won’t be accepted and will “need” to follow a Plan B, BUT along the way (in college) many parents come to see their kids more as adults and less as youngsters needing guiding. As they see you succeeding elsewhere, they may very well hop on your bandwagon and become a cheerleader for you. At this point, you don’t know.
There is definitely the option to talk with a guidance counselor. Those at my school do a great job intervening with parents when informed of the situation and helping students even when parents don’t come around (as with the occasional “girls don’t need a higher education!” types for example). I don’t know if there’s someone at your school who can do similarly.
But don’t give up on school or end up damaging your life by turning to any sort of “dark side.” It’s tough to return from there.
FWIW, I had a guidance counselor help guide me from 7th grade on. It was only after I took an Abnormal Psych class in college that I realized it was most definitely my dad who had the problem, not me. Getting through 12th grade was a bear (made easier by telling dad I was upstairs studying! thus avoiding conflict while filling my mind with all sorts of useful information). Post high school, life has been mine and I’ve absolutely loved it - from college on. Getting the foundational education during my high school years was incredibly worth it.