I’m a freshman in college and I went random for a roommate (pretty much everyone at my college does). I like my roommate in general because she’s pretty nice and clean, we aren’t really friends but that’s fine with me. But we’re pretty different people, I like going out and partying on weekends and she’s never gone to a party. I’m obviously completely fine with that and I respect her decisions/lifestyle.
But lately she’s been making me feel really guilty when I go out and come back to our room late (the latest I’ve ever come back is 2:30 on a Saturday night, which isn’t even that late). I always try my hardest to be very quiet and not turn the light on. Even when I’m drunk, I try my best to be considerate and get in bed as quickly as I can without waking her up. But she’s a really light sleeper and wakes up no matter how little sound I make, and then the next morning she’s passive aggressive and doesn’t talk to me except for mentioning that I woke her up. There have been a couple times where I came home “late” on weekdays and not just weekends, but the latest out of those times was 1:30. I wasn’t drunk at all, I had just stayed up talking to my friends who also live on our hall and when I came back to the room she woke up even though I tried to be super quiet.
I’m not sure what to do about the situation because I don’t think it’s fair that I have to stop having fun and going out just because she’s a light sleeper. I really try my hardest to be quiet when I come home and I never bring anyone home with me. It’s frustrating to me because everyone on my hall goes out together and we all come home together, but I got stuck with the one roommate who doesn’t go out. Again, I’d be completely fine with that if she didn’t judge me or make me feel guilty for it even when I’m trying to be a good roommate. The situation isn’t serious enough for me to consider switching roommates or anything along those lines, but I’d really appreciate any advice anyone has for what I can do to make the situation better. Thank you.
If your relationship is good, which it sounds like it is, tell her you feel like she’s angry with you for coming in late and that you feel bad about that because you like her and don’t want to upset her. Ask her what you can do when you come in late that would help given that she is a light sleeper.
Sometimes, just acknowledging a problem can help. You don’t need to adhere to her hours, but you may be turning on lights, talking outside the door, or making noise. You guys may be able to strategize on how to address those issues. Maybe you can change in the bathroom if it’s after 12. Maybe she can use earplugs. But you will need to compromise somehow!
If she feels like you’re not thinking about her, odds are after you wake her, she lies there stewing. A kind conversation may help that part.
@bodangles That’s true. I didn’t mean to come off as rude about that, just that it’s not what most students would consider super late on a Saturday night. I probably should’ve worded it differently.
I agree with above (though I also agree that 2:30 isn’t that late on the weekends, but I am a night owl). Consider asking her what specifically wakes her up so you can figure out how to work together to come to a solution. If she says you fumbling around when you come back in the dark wakes her up, consider lying out your PJs before you go out and anything you may need for when you return. If it’s you drunkenly giggling and not realizing that you’re loud, you will need to consciously try to be quieter. If you turn the light on when you come back, consider investing in a night light. If, however, it is something small like the fact that the door is opening, there isn’t much you can do about that and maybe she should consider ear plugs. If it’s the light from the hallway, maybe you guys could rearrange your room so her bed stays in the dark. There are a lot of ways you can work through this!
It sounds like if you came in at 10:30 and she was already in bed she wouldn’t like that either.
I agree with @gardenstategal that you should talk about it. Could you use a flashlight? Could you leave all your stuff ready before you leave (nightgown on the bed, toothbrush near the door if you have to go use the bathroom)? Maybe on days when she has an exam early you could agree to come ‘home’ early.
@gardenstategal I’ve tried talking to her about it directly, like one morning I apologized if I woke her up the night before and I told her I’d try to be more careful from now on. Up until that point I had been turning on the sink light when I got home because I never realized it could be annoying her, because for me personally it didn’t wake me up. But I realized how it could be annoying for a light sleeper so I haven’t turned that on for a few weeks now but she still wakes up. I’ll try talking to her again though, thank you!
@mademoiselle2308@twoinanddone Thank you both for your suggestions! I hadn’t thought of laying out my PJs beforehand so I’d be even more quiet. I’ll have to try that out. And @twoinanddone, that was something else that was annoying me. It seems like no matter the time, if she’s going to bed she’ll be annoyed that I haven’t come back yet. Like there have been times I’ve come back at 12:30 and she was annoyed. That’s pretty unreasonable to me.
Basing this on my old roommate from many (many) years ago…who was a very nice person but never socialized with any of the group…
Be proactive when she’s passive-aggressive. Keep it light but non-defensive.
Acknowledge FIRST that you woke her up–“Sorry if I woke you up last night–I tried my best to be quiet”.
Be the first to say it. You didn’t do anything wrong–just acknowledge her feelings. No need to cave–just be nice.
Give some space for a response.
Do you two talk much? If not, TALK with her more at down times. Ask her how things are going with classes, studying. She’s the “odd man out” on your hall according to you. Maybe she isn’t into drinking and staying out late.
Maybe she’s focused totally on studying and grades without regard to socializing outside school work. Just listen to see where she’s coming from. You get a say too–but let her talk more.
But invite her anyways to join you–she’s been invited–now it’s up to her.
And lastly, (easiest of all which might trump all the other stuff),–I know of which I speak…
Do something unexpectedly nice for her. Out of the blue. Get a small vase (could be most anything) for her desk and put a flower in it for her. Buy an extra donut or cookie and leave it with a “for roomie” note.
If you are continually interrupting her sleep and she is mow getting sleep deprived. You both should consider switching roommates to one who better matches your sleep pattern.That must be really hard for her if she is always overtired and trying to do well in school.
Or you could get to bed on her schedule during the week and on weekends sleep over a friend’s room. Maybe a cot and a sleeping bag.
@gouf78 That’s really good advice! Especially leaving her a little cookie or something. I’ll definitely try that out. Thank you!
@“International Dad” Two days a week, Friday and Saturday. I usually come home at 1:30 on those nights and the latest I’ve ever come home is 2:30. @gearmom I wouldn’t call it continuous. At the most, it’s two nights per week and the only time her sleep is disrupted is when I come in and take 5 minutes to get to bed. I wouldn’t say she’s “always” tired or anything like that.
@alexarobbins136 You are not going to be able to cookie this away. Who cares if it is 5 minutes. If she is unable to get to bed for hours after you wake her up. Why else would she be grouchy the next day unless she is tired. Did you ask her? What if she shook you awake at 5 am twice a week and you couldn’t fall back to sleep? You should ask her if she wants a roommate with the same sleep pattern. It would be better for both of you. And are you saying that during the week you go to bed the same time?
@gearmom I’m not sure why you’re taking such an angry tone towards me/my question. Being shaken awake at 5 am is not a comparable analogy to someone quietly walking in the room and getting in bed within 5 minutes at 1:30 am on a weekend. If she’s unable to get to bed for hours afterwards, that’s quite honestly not my fault when I’m doing everything in my power to not disturb her. I have asked and talked about it with her and made appropriate adjustments, and she hasn’t made any adjustments on her part. I don’t think it’s fair for her to expect me to follow her exact routine and she should have realized that people in college stay out late before choosing to have a roommate.
@alexarobbins136 I am not trying to make this angry. You said it has also been several times during the week and you’ve only been at school for a month. The only reason it makes sense that she is being angry in the morning is if she is tired. You’re probably interrupting her deep sleep. People change roommates all the time to match up sleep schedules. That would be the best solution. Has she told you she had no problem falling back to sleep or does she lie there mad? If you’re friends, switching roommates could save your friendship.
@gearmom I said a couple of times, meaning three times at the very most and I’ve been at school for seven weeks. Other than those few days I always sleep early on weekdays. I agree with you in general that switching rooms is probably smart but other than this we haven’t had any issues and I don’t think she wants to switch either. I guess I’ll see how the next few weeks go and if nothing changes I might have to think about that.
@alexarobbins136 People tend to get more stressed out and upset around midterms. Maybe she will try earplugs. Does she wake up every time you come in when she’s asleep? It’s not fair to either of you. It is just a mismatch. Many colleges match students with similar sleep patterns. That was not on your questionnaire? I’m sorry this is happening to both of you. Some people are night owls and some are early birds and it’s very difficult to change.
I also think you should sit down and discuss changing roommates if possible. I am a very light sleeper and early to bed, early to rise and both my kids are as well. I can’t go back to sleep for a long time after woken so even if you are super quiet at 2:30 am I might be awake until 4 am. That is not your fault. But…it does mean we would not be compatible roommates. I think if you don’t talk about this its going to fester and every other issue is going to get blown up. Good luck, its tough sharing a room. My D, who is now in her 5th semester, has had some type of roommate issue to work out each semester. If nothing else, it does improve communication skills lol.
OP, I think you are being very nice to your roommate and trying most of the things that you can think of to ease her frustrations. That’s awesome.
At some point, adults have to be adults and advocate for their own selves. It sounds like your roommate - instead of voicing her frustrations and concerns to you - is just being passive-aggressive and giving you the silent treatment in the morning. So you’re only doing things that you think she wants rather than things she actually has said she wants.
I agree that a good solution is for you to sit down with your roommate and have a conversation with her. You can tell her that you noticed she seems kind of miffed the morning after you come in - what’s wrong? And let her express in her own words what’s going on. Then ask her if she has any suggestions for things you can do to help her or come to a compromise.
But if she wants to switch roommates over this, in my opinion she should be the one who initiates that process. I’ve worked in residential life before; it is almost always the student who has the problem who ends up switching rooms.
You don’t have to stop having fun or going out and coming back when you want to.
Agree with the person above. I think your roommate is the one acting out of the ordinary. You are doing what most all other college kids do. Ask her if she wants a new roommate and if not don’t worry about it anymore.