My roommates make me feel like the black sheep of the dorm.

Student Lounge College Life
1

I’m living in a triple with two other roommates; I’ll call them Cindy and Lacy for anonymity’s sake. I joined their room a bit later than them, so they talked before the school year before for a long while, as their original planned roommate switched rooms. I talk to them over Instagram, but they barely reply and talk to me.

Fast forward to now. Cindy and Lacy seem to be very good friends, but they barely talk to me. They make me feel uncomfortable to be in the room like I don’t belong here. I’m fine with them being friends with each other, it’s just that Cindy can be very passive-aggressive.
At the beginning of the year, all three of us went to eat in this place called the “Pavillion”, which is this terrible dining hall since my University just started a new dining system. I have 11 meal swipes per week, meaning I can have 11 meals at the Pavillion before I start paying out of pocket. I don’t have a lot of money, so I usually eat a lot in the Pavillion (its all you can eat), and then fast for the rest of the day in order to save meal swipes so I can have 2 meals per day for the rest of the week. Clarke commented on it as I was grabbing a second helping of salad. “It’s strange; you eat so slowly yet you should be full by now.” I found the comment incredibly rude but ignored it.
Then, during an RA meeting making roommate agreements I was explaining that I have depression, and apologizing in advance if I become messier at any time due to my depression and that they can simply ask me to pick up my things if I started becoming unbearable. Cindy said, “What are you gonna, do, cut yourself on the fangs of the skeleton snake?” (Cindy bought a skeletal snake decoration for Halloween). I was shocked, since I never thought she would say that to me or make that joke, especially in front of the RA. The RA didn’t even say anything about it, and I get the impression that he doesn’t care about his job.

Now, they keep the lights on when I sleep, invite other people over while I’m sleeping since I get exhausted from trying to sleep at 1 am with bright lights, and she even passive-aggressively told me to pick up my clothes from the bathroom (it happened once; I had a 7:30 am class and was sick, so I stumbled around that morning and forgot to pick up my clothing in my stupor). They even once asked me to change my phone alarm since it apparently didn’t wake them up but would translate into their dreams. My alarm wasn’t even loud or annoying.

I’m too anxious to talk to them on my own since it feels like 2 against 1, and I’m also very anxious about confrontation and passive aggression, due to my past home life being not-so-great.

TDLR: Roommate has said some offensive things to me, been passive-aggressive and overall making my sleep schedule awful and doesn’t know basic roommate etiquette, and I’m too anxious to talk to them about it.

I would really appreciate any advice on what to do, or even confirmation that I’m not insane and being a bad roommate.

2

Talk to your RA and work to make things better in your room.
And seek out new roommates for next year.

3

Your roommates may want to make you miserable so that you move out.

You need to speak with your RA & with the University Housing Office or Director. See if you can change rooms.

You are not “insane and being a bad roommate”, but you should not leave your clothes on the bathroom floor even if not feeling well. Basic hygiene & good manners should be adhered to by all parties in this three person roommate arrangement. No excuses.

Also, overeating at a meal is impolite. Consider getting an on-campus job so that you can afford an adequate number of meals. Fasting is likely to exacerbate your moodiness & depression.

I think that all three share some fault in this roommate relationship. Better to move out, than to flunk out.

4

You used the term “passive agressive” a lot in your post, so I assume you know the opposite of that, which is “assertive”. If you can identify “passive agressive”, you can identify “assertive”. Instead of continually labelling others, label yourself: assertive. Start behaving in an assertive manner. You are paying for the room too. While you owe the others courtesy, you are owed that in turn. It is not selfish or “insane” to expect that.

I would look for another room. There are bound to be some available around campus. Talk to the housing office.

Buy a sleep mask. Insist your RA get involved (if he doesn’t, report him to the housing office). At minimum he should help negotiate a contract: they’re allowed to keep the lights on (you can sleep with a mask), but they should entertain guests in the lounge if you are trying to sleep.

It was probably a mistake to publicly announce you have a diagnosis of depression. It put a target on your back. Unfair? Yes. You aren’t dealing with mature adults though.

Your meal swipes are your business. No need to explain to anyone. Most people I knew in college bought less than 21 meals. It is faster to pour a bowl of cereal in your dorm room than to make time to visit the cafeteria before an early class, and that was in the days before grocery delivery was a thing.

Good luck to you. Hang in there.

5

Consider this for roommates:
They don’t have to be your friend.
They can be strange.
But they have to let you use your room according to the rules. And you have to let them use the room according to the rules.

  1. Find out when “quiet hours” are in your dorm. Probably it is 11:00pm.
  2. Talk to your RA about them having people over late and how you should handle it. Ask what you should do if they won’t comply. …probably it is contact them.
  3. At 11:00pm, tell your roommates…“I need to sleep, can you take this out in the lounge please?” If they say no, then say “11:00pm is quiet hours. Please take this to the lounge.” If they still disagree, then call your RA.

Don’t expect them to be your friend.
Don’t expect to not adhere to the rules (leaving a mess) but then ask them to adhere to the rules (quiet hours)

6

I don’t agree that overeating at a meal could be accurately categorized as impolite. I also don’t agree that grabbing a second helping - of anything, but particularly salad - at an all you can eat dining hall would be considered overeating by most Americans.

Fasting is probably not likely to exacerbate depression. On the contrary there have been quite a few journal articles published about the benefits of intermittent fasting, which is what OP describes.

7

I find some of these responses really unsympathetic and strange.
No, second helpings of salad is not impolite.
You left your clothes on the bathroom floor one time - it happens. Normal people stuff - not selfish or unhygienic.
Your roommates are immature bullies.
I agree with going to the RA and trying to change rooms.

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