My roommate makes me feel unwelcome and I never want to be home. What should I do?

Student Lounge College Life
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<p>This year, I got put in a tiny converted triple with two other girls (a converted triple is basically a standard double with an extra desk, dresser, and a bunk bed along with a loft). For simplicity's sake, let's just call my roommates Jill and Anna. </p>

<p>We all went to the same high school together. I knew Jill somewhat well, but I didn't know Anna, who was a close friend of Jill's. Jill had convinced me to room with both her and Anna the following year. I had my reservations, but I ended up caving. Well, turns out Anna is the perfect roommate. She's clean, respectful, sweet, and we get along super well. Unfortunately, I can't really say the same about Jill...</p>

<p>The whole rooming situation started out pretty well, but now both Anna and I can barely stand to be around her. Half the time she's really sociable but the other half she's really cold and passive-aggressive towards us and treats us like we're not even there. I always feel super uncomfortable in the room at that time because I get this overwhelming sense of not being welcome. She just kind of stands there and every time we ask her what's wrong or attempt communication with her, she either curtly replies "nothing" or flat out ignores us. She has curtains hanging around her bed (she has the bottom bunk) and she immediately crawls into bed when she gets home without even acknowledging our existence. I even had my sisters and my mom come in the room when they were visiting and she immediately pulled her curtains down. About 5 minutes later, she crawled out of her bed and asked me how long we were going to be in the room. I left right after my coffee was done warming up and my sister said: "that was kind of rude... I felt extremely unwelcome just then..." This isn't an issue with her having social issues, because she has an even busier social life than Anna and I combined. And there's this whole passive-aggressive thing, too. I once walked into my room with her standing there in a t shirt and a thong. (Please note that she isn't shy with her body. She's perfectly content with walking around naked in front of us, which honestly doesn't bother me because you know, whatever.) Anyway, I walked in on her in that state, and she immediately stops to look at me and says: "I'm literally standing here in a thong! Can't you see that?" Anna later asked me what was up with that and if there was anything going on between us. The heck would I know? I didn't do anything but go into my own dang room! Another (more recent) time is when she was sitting in front of our door having a private conversation with her boyfriend. I was on my way back to brush my teeth. I left, came back, and she stood up and said: "are you staying in the room tonight?" in a way that made me feel uncomfortable and unwelcome (please note that I've been staying with my boyfriend. I'll touch more on that later). Why does she want to know if I'm staying in my own room? Am I not welcome here? But this all brings us to her boyfriend. Don't get me wrong, both Anna and I really do like her boyfriend, but having him over has become a serious problem. So serious, that whenever he is over, I always stay with my boyfriend (who's cousin is super chill and deserves a gold medal for putting up with this BS). Because of the fact that she has curtains over her bed, they seem to forget that although we can't see them, we can still here them. They will start kissing, which will turn into making out, which will turn into dry-humping. It's extremely uncomfortable, especially for Anna who has the top bunk and can feel every move they make. We talked to her about it, and she said: "yeah, we don't do it in his room because he doesn't have curtains and his roommate can literally see us." Well, we can HEAR you, so that's debatebly worse. Also, they sexile us at least once a week. My boyfriend and I have sexiled theme a total of 0 times (I know! Such a huge number). </p>

<p>Here's a fun bonus story that had just happened a few days ago: Jill had told Anna and I that she was going to a rave (on a Tuesday night) and that she would be back around 1. She had warned us that she would be a bit high, but it would only be here. So, I decided to wait for her to get back before going to bed so that she could settle down and not wake me up. Anna, my boyfriend (who was planning to pull and all-nighter) and I was hanging out in the lounge. When it finally reached 2:30, I decided that I was going to go back and sleep because I had a midterm the next day. As I was about to leave the lounge, Jill cam in, all showered with her pupils huge as heck, asking if I can stay with my boyfriend because she had brought 3 of her friends back from the rave and they needed a place to sleep. Basically, her best friend started breaking down because she was homeless and Jill didn't want her to leave like that, which I completely understand, but Jill wanted to know if the random couple whom I never met could sleep in my bed. I requested for her and her friend to sleep in my bed instead, seeing as I wouldn't want to sleep there anyway. Jill left the room and Anna came up to me asking if she could stay with my boyfriend as well. Basically, she ended up sleeping on the floor. I ended up sleeping through my first class, going to my midterm and skipping the rest of my classes because I've been so exhausted all week. Later that night, Jill confronted me about skipping class, which totally threw me over the edge. The best part? The next few days Jill went back to acting cold and distant instead of kissing my a**, which is what she should have been doing for kicking me out of my own bed (at least that's what I would be doing if I were her).</p>

<p>I'm very sorry for the long rant. As far as housing, this year has been hellish. I'm constantly tired, I've been depressed and my grades are taking a tole. Both Anna and I never feel comfortable in our own rooms and I feel as if I'm always walking on eggshells. We are both so done with it to the point of not even wanting to speak to her. I just want to move out, but I don't want to leave Anna hanging and Freshmen are required to stay on campus.</p>

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<p>A triangle is used as a model in dysfunctional relationships. Also with a triangle, there is the risk of two bonding against one. So while triple rooms can work, and room mates can get along, if one or more of the room mates has more serious problems, a triangle sets the stage for some problems. Google “Kaufman Triangle” for more info on this.
You and Anna have bonded, yet Jill seems to be running the show with her craziness. The payoff for her is that it literally gives her power. She is wielding power over you two with her disruptive behavior. You and Anna are wondering how she can be so inconsiderate, yet, the payoff for her is the control she has over the room. Basically she decides who visits, who sleeps, and so on.
From your story it seems that Jill is most troubled- drug abuse, picking up homeless visitors,erratic behavior. She puts all of you at risk. What if strangers robbed your possessions while they are there? You can’t sleep, grades are dropping. Yet it is your room as much as hers.
When dealing with a dysfunctional person, all your logic, pleading, explaining, and attempts at reasoning with them do not work, because nobody can change another person. You can only change yourselves. What you and Anna need to do is take your room back, establish rules and boundaries, and let Jill see that her behavior is not acceptable. Since this is not likely to change her behavior, IMHO, the best thing to do is for you and Anna to go to the housing office and request a room change ASAP. I don’t know if they can move her, or move you both, but this is not behavior you need to tolerate.
In the meantime, this is your room and you need rules that you all follow. The most troublesome one is the boyfriend and the visitors. You need a strict no sleepover rule. If she brings someone over, you and Anna can ask him to leave. If Lisa pitches a fit or her behavior escalates to out of control, call the RA or security. The next rule is no sexile, anyone. Your room is there for you to sleep, study, and be the best you can be for school. While some students can work the boyfriend visitations out, Lisa abuses this, so it needs to be a firm boundary.
Consider also what behaviors you and Anna are doing that reinforce Lisa’s. Not that you are to blame, but sometimes she can gain from them. For instance the walking on eggshells so as not to upset her, and also leaving the room and staying with your boyfriend. Both of these enable her to get what she wants. You do not need to resort to her level of bullying and manipulation, but you need to establish that this is your room too, and you are not going to leave it unless you choose. You and Anna will need to take some action by leaving the situation and also not putting up with it. Since you don’t want to leave Anna behind, go together to request a different room- even if you both end up in different rooms. </p>

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<p>Extremely great post, @Pennylane2011. </p>

<p>Everything this poster has said, I would like to echo. Really push for setting boundaries and establishing rules. Take back your power and be firm. </p>

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<p>liebehase, have you talked to the RA? Maybe you and Anna could give it a try before going to the housing office. Brainstorm with Anna first and make sure you have an organized presentation of your issues with Jill’s behavior. The RA may tell you to take it up with Jill first. That’s not a bad idea either, to lay out your objections to Jill. It will help you set the limits you need and deserve before any room change could take place.</p>

<p>Good luck. It’s awful not to be able to relax in your home, your room.</p>

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<p>I really agree with Pennylane2011 and oldmom4896 Both make really good points that I believe you should follow. If the boundaries and rules do not work out, you need to contact your RA. This really is dysfunctional and needs to be corrected.</p>

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<p>Get out of there ASAP! Roommate situations more often get worse than they get better and it’s not worth losing sleep and feeling stressed </p>

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<p>Sometimes housing space opens up in the dorms after winter break (so now), because more students usually study abroad in the spring than in the fall. And a few students don’t come back after break, too. See if you can get out of your “forced triple”. Forgetting the roommate issues, most colleges will try to relieve the forced triple situations if they have any extra space. You may have to move in with a stranger (and if you can meet them before deciding, that would be best). But I would look into it.</p>

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<p>Thank you for all of the advise. Actually, almost right after I posted this, the situation got a lot worse. After the rave incident, Jill’s boyfriend stayed the night again. Anna put her foot down and said that she really just needs to sleep, especially with what had happened the other day. Honestly, they didn’t do anything. Everyone just went to bed and it was all ok. Until the morning. (For reference, we had just gotten a foot of snow, so we had a 4 day weekend.) Jill woke me up when she was talking to her boyfriend (meh), but when we woke up, she wouldn’t even acknowledge us. Anna had told her that her outfit was cute (I was in a robe) and she just stood there, looking out the window. So, Anna and I left. We were very frustrated, because she does this very often and we felt very uncomfortable in our own room. We came back, hung out in our room for a while, then Jill came back. We made no attempts to talk to her because we figured, what’s the use if she won’t acknowledge us? I left a few minutes later to go hang out with my boyfriend and I frustratedly typed my first post on this site. I came back a few minutes later and I saw Jill leaving the room with her boyfriend. Apparently, sh<em>t had hit the fan. Anna told me Jill’s boyfriend was trying to get info out of her about why she was upset at *us.</em> Jill left, so he tried to get Anna’s side of the story. Apparently, for the last few days Jill felt like we didn’t care about her and didn’t want to deal with her or support her problems because of the fact that Anna would put in head phones and I would leave for my boyfriend’s right when she started crying. There are a few things wrong with that: 1) we’ve tried to talk to her on multiple occasions and ask her what’s wrong. She just ignores us. 2) Anna putting in headphones and me leaving for my boyfriend’s was a normal occurrence, despite the tone of the room. 3) of course we don’t want to be around her! We’re both sick of her emotional manipulation. Well, she decided that she no longer felt welcome and comfortable in the room, so she only came back to the room in the morning to gather her things during the weekend. And she made sure she was loud. Her boyfriend tried to resolve the problem in a fair way, but she wouldn’t let him.</p>

<p>I am mostly mad because now she’s playing the victim. To be honest, I can see her point of view. She has emotional issues and some of it is out of her control, but I also need to think about myself. I don’t even want to try to resolve this any more. I just want out. I’m going to talk to the administration ans start taking steps to move out ASAP. I can’t handle any more of this. I was dreading coming back to the room today while I was in Wind Symphony and I have essentially been couch hopping. I really just need a new place.</p>