I thought I would grow to become close friends with my roommate. However, it’s almost the second semester of my freshman year and i constantly find myself thinking of ways to avoid seeing her. She’s rarely in the room (she sleeps at her boyfriend’s house a few nights per week) but when she does sleep in our room we simply exchange a “good night” and do our own separate things. She is clearly the clean roommate-alarmingly clean might i add, and i fully accept that i am messier than her. We had a long talk about this months ago and i have been cleaning my side and our shared spaces very frequently in order to not upset her. I feel anxious when i leave a candy wrapper on my desk because i know ill get a passive-aggressive comment or rude remark/text regarding it. I am not trying to complain about this as it has taught me to be a neater person- my problem lies in the fact that in the months we’ve been living together she has never shared or even offered to share any of her possessions with me. I offer clothes, food, supplies, literally anything that someone needs and she simply refuses. I stopped asking her to do things with me and my friends because she makes me feel bad about myself and is typically sassy and snarky to my friends who also all think there is something off about her. All things considered i know i am not perfect, but i make no attempt to be. I do however want to say that i am actively trying to better myself and better our relationship, but she constantly belittles me and my decisions (from my upbringing- yes you read that correctly, to my outfit choices.) It’s becoming so toxic i cant stand to be in the room together in such awkward hateful silence so i either go to the library or the dorm lounge to eat or do work. I dont feel like i can have friends over with her there, i feel like i have to even ask permission to shower or use our shared bathroom to avoid making her upset. I just want to know if anyone else is having a similar problem. We went in to the year thinking we would be friends or at the very least be compatible roommates, but i cant hold a conversation with her and her toxicity is starting to affect my daily mood. Sometimes i wake up early enough to get ready and leave the dorm room before she gets back from class because it stresses me out trying to converse with her (she either ignores me or refuses to continue conversation with me). It has become the focal point of my problems and i cannot seem to let it go. Im incredibly unsure of how to handle the situation as i brought up her rudeness and snappiness months ago and nothing has changed. If anyone is going through something similar please help!
A couple of comments:
–There is nothing wrong with your and your roommate not doing things together etc. But you need to co-exist.
–My S and his freshman roommate were in very different friend circles, involved in very different things – they kept the room basically for themselves and neither one had friends over much. It was not ideal, but worked out OJ for them.
–There is no reason to keep offering to share things with your roommate.
–Did you speak to your RA? Perhaps have him/her mediate a living agreement you can both be comfortable with.
–I would also seek out counseling services on campus. It seems to me you are placing too much emphasis on your roommate, his/her moods etc. Perhaps talking things through with a professional can help you talk things through and find a workable solution.
–Did you look into switching rooms next semester?
Stop giving her any more of your energy. Don’t let her bully you. Stay civil, keep your area neat, but don’t let her push you around. See if you can change rooms for next semester.
It’s just a living arrangement, not a guaranteed friendship. She doesn’t need to share her things with you and you don’t need to fuss over one candy wrapper. You don’t need to offer her your things (which is unusual and if done repeatedly, is annoying.) Try to learn to let her go. Lower your expectations and be a neat roommate but not obsessive. Have your own friends. It’s not an arranged marriage.
Clearly you won’t be rooming together next year. And a candy wrapper left on your own desk is no business of hers. It was thoughtful of you to try and please her, but since it’s not mutual, move on.
You are assuming the goal of roommates s “be good friends”.
really the goals is “not annoy each other too much”.
She is keeping to herself as she has the right to.
Make friends elsewhere.
Your situation is as much your fault as it is her fault. The good news is that she stays at her boyfriends place a few nights a week, she is very clean & tidy person & you share a bathroom (a luxury in college dorms for two people).
When you have a roommate & a shared bathroom, you have an obligation to keep both clean & organized. If done, then I suspect that your roommate will curtail the snide remarks.
Unfortunately, there is no obligation to be friends.
Based on the limited information shared in this post, I wonder if you have self-esteem issues. If so, then do not blame your roommate. Just try harder to keep the room & bathroom clean, do not offer her your things, & consider counseling if you need confidence building tips.