<p>I have to admit I did all the work to get my son into college. He was very disinterested, never helped me to fill out an application or do anything.I did not want him to stay home and not go to college so I applied for him. Now that he got in ( and he got into an architecture program) he is not going on to the website and checking to see what has to be done.(This is a website that I had to set up for him for the school he is going to) All he wants to do is be out with his friends. He starts school on 8/26 and on the first day he has a class in architecture with an assignment due. The assignment was sent to them over the website and I have told him every day for the past week that he must go in to the website, print out the assignment and start working on it because it will take him quite a while to do. He does not even acknowledge me when I tell him. I have asked him if he does not want to go to college and he says he does.He has always said all along that he does want to go and he wants to go away. We went to an orientation at the school and although he did go off with the kids and stay over night, he enjoyed the social end of it but was totally disinterested in the meetings and hearing about the school.He is very immature and disrespectful. I am so afraid we are going to spend all this money and he will not even try. I do not know what do do. There is no focus at all on his part. Is there anyone else with a child who just does not seem to care about anyone or anything except his own social life?</p>
<p>I would really not spend the money. He must have had good stats to have been admitted to his school and get into the architecture program. Once he goes to college, his high school stats don’t matter much and any future transfer school looks at his college grades.</p>
<p>He is disinterested is because you got into the architecture program, not him. Why in the world would you not only apply to college for him but a specialty program for a disinterested kid who probably has no idea what he wants to study? By doing stuff for him, your treating him as he is a little kid, rather than an adult. No wonder he’s immature. It’s time to let him fail or succeed on his own. Stop nagging him about the assignment, it will get done or not. If he fails the first semester, your only out one semester expense and it would be a good lesson for both of you.</p>
<p>Ouch. I would hope that by now, with college looming in a month’s time, that the bug to be away and a college student would kick in. I do think some boys (I have a few) don’t transition well. I suggest you do some activities that will get him into the spirit: shopping at Bed, Bath, and Beyond may help. Or getting in touch with his roommate. or even having someone at the college call him. These are all steps to reach out to him and help him realize that the summer is ending very fast and he needs to kick it up.</p>
<p>You might also want to investigate some health care support for him. This may sound like a scary step, but you want him to do his best, and he may need some sort of an emotional support system to help him with this transition. Set it up now. Call the school’s mental health dept and ask for a recommendation of someone who knows the college, knows this age group. Then speak to that person now and tell your son this is part of the program. He has to go, no options to back out. Psychologists and social workers see this type a lot and know just how to reach these kids. i also suggest you visit him periodically throughout the year. Seeing him, not just calling him occasionally on the phone may not be enough.</p>
<p>You asked if anyone has gone through this, and yes, we have all had various aspects of this. That first month will be critical, as will that midterm period. If your son is failing, he should know by mid-semester. Don’t wait until the end of the year to figure out Plan B. But don’t give up either. Involve the college in your attempt towards success; they’re invested as well.</p>
<p>I can’t believe you filled out the applications for him. Did you also write the essays for him?
Honestly, if he can’t handle filling out college applications, you are correct in your feeling that he probably won’t buckle down and succeed academically at college.</p>
<p>Why in the world are you spending your money on a college when your son didn’t even have the ambition to do the work on his own to get accepted into a college? Did you consider a gap year for him or maybe a year at your local community college? Now that he’s accepted and plans on attending college in a few weeks, I would definitely sit him down and clearly explain your expectations. In other words, set up an informal contract with him.
If he doesn’t earn a GPA of (whatever you set), then you will not pay for him to continue.</p>
<p>It’s your call. It’s your money. I would set clear expectations with consequences if those expectations are not met.</p>
<p>I have to agree with GTalum. My high school friends are at many different schools, and the the only ones who are having real problems academically are the kids whose parents pushed them through high school and pushed them through college apps. Initiative is something you just can’t do without in college.</p>
<p>I also agree with the earlier posts about your doing too much. I suggest you stop trying so hard to make him “be” a person you think he should be. He’ll get there, but in his own way and in his own time. If you continue to do every step to get ready and do everything else that needs to be done, well, you’re not helping. You’re getting in the way of what he needs to do.</p>
<p>Having said that, I still think he should have some mental health support, as a weekly check-in. Allow that professional to guide your son, because by now, you’re just doing too much. That person will also be a help to you, to reassure you that everything is all right. (You’ll need to ask your son to okay this, because legally, the professional can not discuss your son without his permission.)</p>
<p>BTW: thank you for your honesty. I’m sure there are plenty of other parents who have done too much to help their kids succeed. Now you just need your son to take over and understand he’s in charge. Do that by backing off. Maybe even fail (a little…like not pack enough, or not take some entrance exam). He’ll get it, or he won’t. But you’ve done enough.</p>
<p>Everyone will say that you were wrong for filling out the applications for him and I agree.</p>
<p>But why in the world would you choose a specialty program? </p>
<p>That makes no sense to me and I’m legitimately hoping you can explain.</p>
<p>Wow. Honestly, I would withdraw him right now and get your money back. Does he even want to be in architecture? That’s an oddly specific choice.</p>
<p>Edit: I see from your past posts that the architecture idea comes from your son–which is good. But if he’s not even willing to do an assignment now, when college still seems exciting and new, I’m concerned about how he’s going to act in the middle of the year when it’s “same ol’, same ol’.” It’s his life, but your money.</p>
<p>I think you HAVE to withdraw, and have your son see what happens when he gets to school and hasn’t done the assignment. You’re rescuing him too much. This is the hardest part of parenting, but at this stage in the game, he has to want to do it, not you.</p>
<p>pha516, from your earlier posts:
I just hope they really are his dreams, not yours. His stats aren’t particularly strong (SAT 1660) and architecture is not a slouchy major, so I sure hope he steps up.</p>
<p>I’m so sorry for all of you… Some mental health professionals are very good with family matters and decision making. And I would call one today and see them (as a family) tomorrow. You obviously don’t know how to navigate this and your S has a real opportunity to sabotage this because it’s his life and not yours. </p>
<p>I know you did it out of love and I’m so impressed with you for taking responsibility your part, but it’s time to set this straight before it costs everyone too much… I bet you all can figure this out quickly…</p>
<p>Architecture programs seem to all be very demanding, with deadlines, competition and projects due. If he thinks he wants architecture but is not ready for the demanding program at this age, there is the MArch route, which he can complete later when he is (hopefully) more ready for the work. </p>
<p>Maybe he just hasn’t found his passion yet. A gap year or slower-paced major may suit him better until he finds his independence. If he doesn’t want to do the summer project, is he sure he really even wants to do that major as an undergrad? I assume it’s possible to change majors if it’s not what he wants.</p>
<p>Agree that there is a big time parenting problem. Better late than never in changing your habits. You don’t want to continue to smother him, you need to let him grow up.</p>
<p>One way to start. Plan to spend this afternoon (Sunday/weekend day) in a required session for clearing up the mess. First- apologize to him for all of your interference in the college process- talk to him adult to adult. Expect him to possibly explode, releasing all of his frustrations about you. Offer to back off completely- ie remove all of your access to his college information/website… let him see you do it. Then ask him how HE wishes to proceed. </p>
<p>Does he want to attend the college? If not, withdraw the admission and do nothing to prepare for it.</p>
<p>If the school is okay with him tell him you are willing to help him figure out how to reach an advisor for him to redo his schedule. Tell him you are willing to do the dorm shopping for him- tell him you can make a list and ask if it is okay to buy the things on the list (it is normal to see mother-daughter and solo mothers-of-sons doing the shopping). Tell him you are willing to transport him and his stuff to college- ask him when, even if you already know the answer (it is fair to read the open to the general public and things sent to parents info). Tell him what you are willing to pay for (eg tuition, cell phone, computer, books, which extras).</p>
<p>It is normal for sons to ignore the needed preparation and mothers do a lot more than they think they would need to for many otherwise independent young men. But- the son is the one who needs to take charge of his academics and you need to give back the control to him as soon as possible. This means being kept in the dark about a lot.</p>
<p>Get the book “Letting Go” from a bookstore or libray soon. Get counseling. At least you are asking for help - that required self examination and exposing yourself to us. It will be tough for you, expect harsh but helpful comments. You took that hard first step- keep going.</p>
<p>PS- bet you’re a mother, did what we all wanted to do in our heads but managed to prevent ourselves from doing in real life.</p>
<p>I have a friend and her husband did what you did - for their daughter. She was completely disinterested in the process of getting herself into college. She did do well enough to make it through her first year - and did all her work on her own once she got there. I hope things work out for your son. Maybe it will become real to him once he’s there.</p>
<p>
That would be great, but you cannot count on it. This past spring I was T.A. for a General Physics I course (the hard one). There were people who actually wrote stuff down and managed to get zeros on the various exams. No one who was actually making any kind of effort in the course could get a zero on an exam, so these people had just fallen off the planet. It happens, unfortunately. This at a school with a 52%+/- admit rate.</p>
<p>One of the differences between architecture and many other majors is the pre-professional vs. professional portion of the program. Many schools do not limit the number of admits at the beginning but after two years when it’s time to figure out who really has the goods, a handful of architecture “majors” will actually be allowed to continue in the degree program while many others are invited to figure out something else.</p>
<p>Along with all the other good advice offered above, I think this is something to become familiar with at your son’s school. Since he’s not too much of a go getter on his own he may be in the habit of assuming that just getting by is good enough - in his chosen major it won’t be.</p>
<p>My daughter and I made an agreement that she would be the deciding factor in where she applied, would fill out all applications, essays etc. but due to a busy senior year schedule, I agreed to monitor the college emails, keep track of deadlines during the school year and do general busywork for her. It worked well for us and it didn’t take the responsibility for decision making away from her; as the school year ended and summer began she took over doing everything for herself - I’ve helped her shop and budget to get the things she wants (hunting down coupons too) but it’s been typical mother daughter shopping, not “mommy planning your room for you”.</p>
<p>I think it’s good that you’ve faced up to going overboard with parental control now - as another poster suggested, I think you should tell your son that you were wrong to do what you did and take it from there; professional guidance would be a plus.</p>
<p>I’d withdraw him from the college, and try to get any money back that you’ve already given them.</p>
<p>Your kid doesn’t seem like he would do well in college anyway. You’d probably have to hold his hand the entire way, and you don’t want to do that.</p>
<p>I work with students like this all the time. 
They do grow up. I am always so amazed to see what they are up to after being out of their homes and at a university and beyond. Let’s see. One totally disrespectful bad boy I can recall is now a major trainer for pilots working for a major international airline. I could add another 100 + stories. I do think that your son hopefully has the ability to drop that specialized program when he realizes what he wants to do with his life if it isn’t that. Hopefully he is at a school that will work with him. From my vantage point, I bet if you step back, things may change. As a parent, I know how hard that may be for you. Mine had a rocky semester when he was trying to figure out what he was going to do with his life around year 2 and thankfully I hadn’t asked to see grades or have any role in his education at his university. He figured it all out on his own and is doing great in grad school with a real plan. So I definitely think kids will and do change as they mature. Good Luck just trying to observe and step back.</p>
<p>T think Wis gave good practical advice on how to proceed from here.</p>