<p>It is not clear to me that he really doesn’t want to go. He may be just expressing tension at the prospect of leaving home or the pressure he feels to choose a career, and having fun pushing his mother’s buttons at the same time.</p>
<p>It’s fine not to have a career chosen at this point. One benefit of a liberal arts education is that it helps you to, in 70’s speak, find yourself. It’s a time for exploring.</p>
<p>You know the old saw - you can lead a horse to water … It applies. We have had 2 S’s that went, wasted time and dropped or were kicked out. Had a good time while they were there, though. </p>
<p>One has gone back on his own accord, on his own dime, and is finishing next year at 27 years old. Getting straight A’s in finance now. The other never went back but he is successfully supporting himself in the restaurant industry. Moving up and in management training. Maybe he will go back , maybe he won’t. It no longer is in my control. And that is the key. </p>
<p>You can send him, but if he continues to tell you it is waste of time, believe it will also be a waste of money. Agree though that lying around home and not supporting himself cannot be an option. Make sure he starts now looking for his after graduation job.</p>
<p>Tell your son he’s correct - it’s really just one big waste of money.</p>
<p>But then tell him that college is just one of those things society places an artificially high value on (he’s your son, compare it to the value of Kim Kardashian’s behind) and thus is one of those hoops you must jump through in life - sorry, but life ain’t fair.</p>
<p>Waiting tables in college was the best job I’ve had. Don’t knock that coffee shop job, it could be the best way for him to learn about people & life.</p>
<p>No personal experience but I’ve read too many threads about kids blowing their first year and the parents realizing AFTER the fact they were not ready. I would not send him unless he was committed.</p>
<p>Just some random thoughts, hope it will help.</p>
<p>My first thought is he may simply be expressing uncertainty, looking at college and saying “I don’t know what I want to do, how the heck will going to college help that when I don’t know what I want to be”.Part of the answer could be in the OP’s original post, where she states that the son is going to do liberal arts, isn’t interested in math or science. Maybe part of the problem is there is so much pressure out there these days that unless you major in finance or engineering or science or math or other ‘practical’ jobs (tell that to the kids who majored in tech fields finding out that entry level jobs are nonexistent, despite “playing by the rules”, thanks to a variety of factors), there doesn’t seem to be room to explore anything, you seem to be expected to go to college already knowing what you want to do with your life. You can reassure him that part of college is in finding that, that many of us went to college thinking x (my case pre med/chem major) and ended up as Y (IT/CS) and that is a perfectly normal part of the picture. </p>
<p>More importantly, if he is saying college is a waste of time and money,challenge him to define what isn’t a waste of time and money. Does he feel like he might want to go into a skilled trade, like electrician or plumber or mechanic? What is it he thinks is ‘important’? If he says “I don’t know”, then make the point that if he doesn’t know what is more important, how does he know that college is a waste?</p>
<p>One of the other things i sense out there (okay, Mr. Spock would tell me I am acting illogically, so be it) is that there is something of a backlash, kids reacting to the hyperbole and myths about the importance of college (not saying it isn’t important, saying that there is overblown myths out there about, for example, the importance of getting into an ivy), saying ‘it is a waste’. Maybe he has picked up on that and talk to him that college is a lot more then becoming an IB or lawyer or whatever, that part of the reason college is there, or supposed to be, is help kids find what they want to do. Among other things, the liberal education requirements/core requirements are there to help the kid find what moves them. </p>
<p>I agree with the other posters when they say it may be better if he is so unsure to allow him to defer admission/take some time to figure things out. If he is resisting going it could be he will do poorly, and that would be a waste. I also agree that if he takes that year or whatever, he should be working, be responsible for certain things. One problem with most kids is they don’t understand necessarily the reality of what is out there, they don’t really understand about what life can be like. Yes, college can seem to be a ridiculously expensive place you go before getting to the ‘real world’, but as another poster put well life unfortunately often has hashmarks we have to achieve, even if they seem pointless (kind of like the movie “Peggy Sue got Married” where she goes back in time, and tells her algebra teacher she knows now that she absolutely will not need algebra at all as an adult:), that college has become what a HS degree once was, an entry level ticket to many jobs/professions. </p>
<p>Part of the reason he should be working is to see how tough it is to earn money without a degree, about what it is like in the kids of jobs you generally get with an HS degree. There is nothing shameful about any job, nor is this about shaming him, it is in realizing that because someone doesn’t hold a college degree they or the job they hold isn’t important or worthwhile, it is that many of those jobs are not valued enough to pay a living wage. Though it is not throw him off the dock to swim, it will give him a lesson in how hard it is out there while still having a lifeline in mom.</p>
<p>I also think that it is important to work because quite frankly it gives an appreciation for the work other people do. I see a lot of kids who go the white collar track, who went to prep schools and great colleges, who come out and have this attitude towards working people that quite frankly stinks, it is an attitude that only what they do matters and so forth, I think actually working a variety of jobs helps with that, too. </p>
<p>I wish you luck with him, my biggest piece of advice is to talk to him about it and let him come to some sort of answer, and then lay down your end of that with whatever he does.</p>
<p>Any chance he’s trying to talk you into his staying home from college so that you won’t be alone?</p>
<p>Make him work a mcjob for a while. He’ll be begging for college afterwards.</p>
<p>OP, I feel for you and I can understand your situation because honestly my son is like that! </p>
<p>He too kept saying that college was a waste of time (precious 4 years!!) and money. All of his HS was like a sentence to him and he could not wait to leave HS, meanwhile instead of doing HW he used to watch MIT and Stanford Open course ware in subjects that interested him. Played a lot of Video games too and freaked me out more often than not with his ‘out of the box’ thinking.</p>
<p>Fast forward - He spent a semester in College this year and is taking a break to work at a start-up in Palo Alto, at a salary the graduates get today! This because, he had something ‘else’ going, he learnt programming/designing on his own and started doing project work for companies in Palo Alto. This is how he got offered a job. He has convinced me that he will get a degree eventually.</p>
<p>He is doing extremely well, we live in Asia so he has no family nearby. But he is so happy! He is maturing real fast. </p>
<p>You have to find out what your son likes, what are his interests and what are his strong points and then take it from there. You have to see the positive side of all this and support him. Knowing that you are his ally is a big confidence booster for them at his age. </p>
<p>Sometimes I wonder if taking a gap year would have been best, although we could not do it here. We had no choice but to send him away to college.</p>
<p>My kids worked at a restaurant during high school. What an education it was! They learned many things that you can’t learn in a classroom. They learned many life lessons. One of those lessons was why an advanced education is valuable and worth pursuing even though it is hard work and not always fun. </p>
<p>I second what others have said and let him take time off from school. A gap year may be the education he needs now. And a year spent working in a coffee shop may well be a year well spent.</p>
<p>he might be right.</p>
<p>I worked my way through college as a hotel waiter. I made more money as a hotel waiter than I did 10 years later, with two graduate degrees. </p>
<p>Money, of course, isn’t everything (actually, for me, it means very, very little). But jobs ARE hard to come by. Tens of thousands of college graduates are coming home to live, with no jobs. They can’t possibly pay rent, food, etc. Why expect him to do something that college graduates can’t? If he gets a job, then he can chip in. But if not, don’t make a big deal about it - you DO have the money, after all.</p>
<p>And if he can find a way to earn enough money quickly enough, don’t charge him rent - let him go travel. Six months on the road abroad will make him grow in ways that two years of college might never do.</p>
<p>The average undergraduate college student in the U.S. today is 24.7 years old. You’d never know it from reading CC of course.</p>
<p>A recent local newspaper had an article in which they stated unemployments rates- huge difference in rates for HS only versus college. Make sure he has that job before deferring college… Some good comments already posted. I would have him try a semester- he may change his mind. College is for an education- self benefit, not just job skills.</p>
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<p>Can the admission be deferred? If he goes now, he may end up wasting time and money flunking out – and a bad record may follow him around forever if he changes his mind later to go to university or whatever.</p>
<p>What does he want to do?</p>
<p>Contrary to the popular belief here, there are good jobs that do not require a bachelor’s degree. However, they require their own additional education or self-education beyond what a high school diploma signifies (e.g. training and apprenticeships for the skilled trades, police academy, fire academy, etc.). Unskilled labor tends to be poorly paid with less job security than everyone else.</p>
<p>*Quote:
I understand that it is his life, but if he is going to do it, I want to make sure that it is something constructive, like maybe living abroad or apprenticing, and not just working at a coffee shop. </p>
<p>Actually, there could be much benefit to the coffee shop alternative. Getting a realistic picture of the kind of job that awaits him if he doesn’t get a college degree would be very valuable.</p>
<p>*</p>
<p>I agree with this second quote. The LAST thing this student should get is some pricey experience abroad when he has no intention (right now) of going to college. This is someone who NEEDS to experience the pain and annoyance of a low-paying job so that he’ll WANT to go to school to get a college education.</p>
<p>he obviously thinks he can make a good living without college. Well, let him try. But, don’t provide a free room and board experience because that’s not “real life” as a full time worker. </p>
<p>The worst thing you can do is let him have some minimum wage job while you subsidize it by paying for a bunch of stuff. He won’t get the message that way.</p>
<p>Figure out a fair amount that his car insurance, cell phone, food, laundry, utility use cost at your home and add a bit more for rent…and tell him that’s how much he’ll need to pay you while he’s not going to school.</p>
<p>There is something worse than your kid going off to college and being terribly unhappy, or flunking out, or both. That is if he can say, See? I told you I didn’t want to go, you didn’t listen, and you forced me to go! That would damage your relationship.</p>
<p>I would never want to be in that position. </p>
<p>If my son didn’t want to go, I would let him live at home, find a job, pay rent, and figure out for himself what he wanted to do. Then, if he decided to go to college, he would be acting on his own motivation. And if it didn’t work out, he could figure out why without putting the blame on someone else, like you.</p>
<p>I agree with this^^. Your son is telling you he doesn’t want to go right now. What is so “wrong” about that. Do put some boundaries around his decision but do not force him into college right now. My friend and her husband both have college degress but both their kids chose to go into a trade…both the kids now in their late twenties own their own businesses and are doing well. It is entirely possible they will at some point “want” a degree, but neither “needed” a college degree. It was a shock to my friend and her husband when the oldest took that path and then again when their second took that path. Their second was at a very, very good college prep magnet. Listen to your son.</p>
<p>Here is another option. Tell him if he doesn’t think it is worth so much money, then he can live at home and go to community college or a local public university to save money, at least for the first two years. If he decides to at the end of that, he can transfer to another institution. But make it very clear that you also are not interested in wasting your money!</p>
<p>Another choice: Tell him here is how much money there is (or that you will fund exactly 8 semesters of college, if you want to), and when it runs out he pays the rest. And stick with it. So if he goes and screws around, fails classes, changes majors, he will be making coffee to pay his bills at the end.</p>
<p>I do think getting some of his skin in the game is good. If he goes to college, make him pay for books and spending money, for example.</p>
<p>The immaturity of this kid is breathtaking. I am a single parent footing the bill for my kids college, and my kids would not dream of acting the way he is. Even if they didn’t want to go to college, they would ask to have a conversation about it. This kid needs a kick in the pants, as my father in law would have said. He doesn’t HAVE to go to college, and you don’t HAVE to pay for it.</p>
<p>Jeez I have a different take on this. I think this smart kid has noticed that college doesn’t lead to a great job (especially in today’s economy) and he knows his mom has saved her tukas off to send him to an expensive school and he’s questioning (maturely!) the value of this. I think he’s being really rather wonderfully attentive to reality here. What a great kid!</p>
<p>Mom you have a wonderful boy there. Maybe give him a big hug and tell him he’s worth it? That you know it’s expensive and you’ve saved up consciously and it’s not necessarily about getting a job but about learning and growing and expanding his life?</p>
<p>And, maybe point out to him that if he wants to, he can spend a semester or two at the local state U. or take some summer classes or take a semester off and work? And that you love seeing his mature attitude about the hard work needed to save up these funds for him for college? </p>
<p>Man I think he sounds like a mature kid who knows what it takes to save for an expensive college education and is saying in essence, is it worth it - am I worth it? Maybe let him know he’s definitely worth it and he will find his way financially one way or another and THank him for being conscious and awake and aware.</p>
<p>Also, this is a great opportunity to sit down with him and recall his dad and what would dad want as his son comes into maturity. That his dad would be proud of him thinking about the money part of the college experience. That his dad and you were clear when you began his savings that one of your goals for you son was to send him to a wonderful college. And how proud his dad would be that he attained admittance. </p>
<p>I’d sit down and go over the numbers with him. What you make, what you’ve saved, what college will cost per semester. Do up a budget with your son. I am hearing him say he wants to start to manage the money end of his life. I think this is fabulous. </p>
<p>Point out to him that while attending expensive wonderful U. he can still work summers and work at school and sit down and talk about how this will affect both of your budgets. Who knows - maybe he’ll find his way to being an accountant or so forth. </p>
<p>Yep - I’m seeing this very differently from other posters. I think he’s asking to be part of the budget discussions and that shows maturity not immaturity to me. I’d read every link he sends.</p>
<p>In the end I’d probably say something like, “while the economy is in the shi**s you might as well be attending college, maturing four more years, learning to live on your own away from home, and earning a college degree. You never know what might catch your interest that could lead to a career. Your dad would be so proud of you.”</p>
<p>The economy likely will be much better in four years.</p>
<p>It sounds like you are a great mom.</p>
<p>Although college does not guarantee a brighter future it sure helps. So, I would just ask him “If you don’t go, what is your plan? How will you support yourself?”</p>
<p>I would also require him to put together a realistic budget on how much it will cost to support himself without your help. Also ask him to consider what he going to do for a social life when all his friends have moved on and he hasn’t. Where is he going to hang out, meet kids, and have a good time? All his current friends will be in college making new friends and although they may keep their HS friendships, they may not. These are the types of things kids really don’t think about.</p>
<p>Alot of kids right now are blowing off steam because they are uncertain about what next fall will bring. I do think that real life work experience at a job that doesn’t require a college degree (like a restaurant, coffee shop, bagger at the supermarket, lawn care) is an eye opening experience.</p>