<p>Really? Seriously? Because these are the ONLY two options? Let’s put it another way, he needs to be a productive member of the household, as defined between whoever is paying the majority of the bills and himself… Everyone is free to define productive in whatever way they want, including lying around on the couch, if that is their definition.</p>
<p>My kids have certainly volutnteered at shelters and will continue to do so, and that is one version of work that can be done while looking for a job, which would, in my house, be called “productive.”</p>
<p>The year I earned minimum wage and supported myself was among the most constructive of my life. I learned more about work, money and time-management than I did in four years of college. </p>
<p>If he doesn’t want to go, don’t make him go. Ask him what he’d like to do instead and hear him out. He may not have any idea yet but knowing that you’re listening might move the conversation in a new direction.</p>
<p>An alternative for a smart, healthy young person has always been the military. A few years of military service can help a young person learn responsibility, appreciate his country, meet people from all walks of life and learn the value of hard work. He would also earn money toward a college education should he choose to pursue it later.</p>
Don’t knock the coffee shop! After several months of working at Starbucks, hauling dripping bags of trash to the dumpster, cleaning bathrooms & picking up after arrogant HS students, S1 told me, “Working at Starbucks is the best argument for getting a 4-year degree!” And he did - he went 2 years to CC, transferred to UVA & graduated in May 2010. He told me that the transfer students had a better work ethic & more appreciation for college than those who had been there all 4 years. It’s a matter of maturity.</p>
<p>crossposted with MizzBee: Your son would qualify for the GI bill, plus the current GI bill also extends education benefits to the next generation, ie. your son’s children/your grandchildren.</p>
<p>I think that sending someone to school who doesn’t want to go IS a waste of money. </p>
<p>I also feel your pain, because you and I know that without higher education his opportuniteis are severely limited. </p>
<p>I suggest telling him that if he isn’t going to put his heart into it, you won’t pay for it and he should start looking for a job immediately. At the very least that will give him a good idea of what his is (and isn’t) qualified for. </p>
<p>There are other options - techincal school can prepare one for some decent jobs - auto mechanic, air conditioning repair, etc…</p>
<p>There is the military.</p>
<p>At some point he will realize that it sucks to be making $14 an hour when those above him are making $30 or more…hopefully he will discover this sooner than later (before he looses the opportunity to go)</p>
<p>You NEVER lose the opportunity to go to school. Ever. And, if somebody does not want to go to school, it is not an opportunity for them. In fact, going to school before he is ready and ruining his record with abysmal grades is a much quicker way to really lose the opportunity than doing something else for a while until he figures out what he wants to study.</p>
<p>I view turning 18 and graduating HS as a turning point. </p>
<p>Your child is now an adult (or will be very shortly). It’s time to take the training wheels off. At 18, he may need your support, but he doesn’t need your advice unless he asks for it. Stop giving it and I assure you he will ask when he thinks he needs it. He doesn’t need you to figure out what he should be doing. He needs to figure that out for himself. It sounds like you’ve raised him well. He really needs to exercise his adulthood, for better or worse, whatever that will be. College is a good place to do that. It’s not the only choice though. </p>
<p>He may make mistakes. We all did and all still do. There are plenty of mistakes I haven’t even made yet. I hope they won’t be too bad. He may waste some money. I wouldn’t let him go two years with failing grades, but I wouldn’t pull the plug on college just yet unless he really insists that he doesn’t want to go. Pay the deposit to keep his options open and stop discussing it until it’s time to pay the real bill. I’d really let him decide how he wants to spend his time. He’s done well in HS. He’s an adult. He’s responsible for his own actions. He’s likely to surprise you in a good way. I hope he makes you proud. </p>
<p>This advice I give is really hard to do. My D is a freshman in college. I’ve been doing my best to let her be and I think I’ve been doing a good job. She’s doing well, but does have bumps in the road occasionally. It’s hard not to butt in. I really try not to. It’s hard. I’m here for support and advice when asked. She’s an adult. She lives her life as she sees fit. She’s my little girl, always, but she’s an adult.</p>
<p>If he has “no interest in math or science”, as the OP said, what does he expect to study? Maybe what you need to have is a more practical conversation about his proposed major (and possibly minor). That might help him see that he CAN get an education that can help lead to a job.</p>
<p>What are the more practical majors remaining at his college? For example, do they have any business majors? D’s LAC doesn’t have a regular business major, but they have international business. Has he ever taken a computer science class, he might like that (I would not have enjoyed a math or science major at the time I went to college, but actually found some of my comp sci classes quite interesting). What about statistics? It is indeed math, but fairly practical math. Some liberal arts degrees with a statistics minor are a good entree into the job market; D has been interviewing for internships in political science, and told me the other day that she has lost out a couple of times in interviews this month because her stats background wasn’t quite strong enough for the job (one of them was a paid internship). Does he have any interest in studying a language that would be valuable to the intelligence community (eg, Arabic)? Don’t know if he has registered for classes yet, but you might encourage him to take intro classes in some of these areas to see if something appeals to him. (Stats, Intro Comp Sci, some kind of business class, Arabic – he would be too busy to complain, I would guess ). Or what about getting a teaching credential as a minor? While the market for teachers is tight now, I believe that as the boomers retire we will be hustling for good teachers several years from now. He might have a few lean years, but I think in the longer run there will be room for good teachers.</p>
<p>Also, does the college he is slated to attend provide support to students in getting internships? Do they have any semesters where the kids can work in internships for credit (eg, D is currently in DC at the State Department on an amazing internship through a program at her college – getting good work experience AND a semester of college credit). Some college have co-op programs that allow students to work for local companies. Some also give a stipend to cover living expenses if students take an unpaid internship for a summer (D’s college does this). That work experience is helpful to students who (1) aren’t sure what they want to do, and (2) gives some valuable experience on their resume when they get out of school.</p>
<p>One more comment… I think MANY kids go through a fairly painful realization at about this age that the stuff they find most fun (eg, English, history, art history, etc.) are not very useful when it comes to getting a job. I am not suggesting for a minute that these areas of study are not worthwhile in their own right, as I believe that they are. But there is a very real risk, especially in a down economy, that they will not lead directly to a job. Could be that this is part of what is driving his cynicism right now, maybe some inner anger that he see no obvious way to make a living doing his favorite things.</p>
<p>I think you need to turn the question on its head, ask: “If not college, then what?” Have him put together, in writing, a detailed proposal for an alternate year. If he really has to think seriously about it and expects his proposal to be addressed seriously, he may surprise you with some compelling insights. Lots of learning happens outside of college!</p>
<p>This proposal becomes the basis for further discussion. If it appears to be well thought-out, have him apply for a gap year. Maybe he’ll find his passion and never need college (you don’t really need it if you work for yourself). Maybe he’ll be enthusiastic about college 9-12 months from now. Either way, there’s no downside.</p>
<p>Wise words from my dad, “Children you know how much I love you however you do know the only inheritance you guys are getting is your education so it depens on you wether you want to take advantage from it or not.”
I just got accepted as an upper for next fall in Exeter, and of course Im going specially if that and college is the only thing Im getting from my dad ,but most importantly because I want to.</p>
<p>I read the first page and there are alot of good tips; however, the one going to college is your son and you can’t actually force him to want it. I have alot of friends -in my past school- who got grounded lots of times for not studying and bad grades, and you know what everytime they were worst. Maybe you can take him to a University tour. I don’t know, anything that makes him exited about college. I don’t believe in the harsh way and I haven’t seen/remember one example of a suceeding person that was forced to succed but what can I say im only 16 and thats my opinion Good Luck!</p>
<p>I would sooner let my kids sleep at a Salvation Army shelter for a month, than subsidize them farting around claiming they can’t get a job for a year. Now, I will help them find entry-level jobs, to be sure, as I would for anyone, but you work or you’re out.</p>
<p>I don’t know anybody who stayed at home unemployed for more than a couple of months, who eventually moved out and became truly financially independent from their parent(s). It’s hard, but not impossible, to find a job.</p>
<p>If you live in NY, take him down to the Bronx and drop him off for the day. By midnight, he will be calling you begging for you to allow him to attend college.</p>
Just “working at a coffee shop” might be exactly what he needs. And, in fact, quite constructive. May help him cut through the clutter and think about what he might really like to do. Will surely help him get a feel for what it’s like to bring home minimum wage, after deductions. </p>
<p>We don’t need to spend our lives making sure our kids have “enriched” activities. Living with a little dreary reality will have as much - if not more - beneficial effect in forming his outlook on life (and college) as living abroad (privileged) or apprenticing (in what? he doesn’t even know what he wants to do).</p>
<p>Also I am wondering about the phrase in your OP that he
. How does that school compare to the one <em>he</em> hoped he would get into? Or has his ambivalence or opposition to attending college been ongoing since before application time?</p>
<p>One of DS’s best friends had a slightly different, but related, “rant” a little earlier in his Senior year. Started talking about going into the military instead of college (put a different kind of fear into the parents’ heads, but that is another topic). They spent a little time trying to talk him out of it. He apparently talked himself out of it and headed off to college as planned.</p>
<p>The bad news: he majored more or less in weekend skiing and partying. Had off and on semesters of academic probation. The GPA was never even close to decent.</p>
<p>The good news: he did, in fact, graduate after about 5 years. Now has a career job he likes.</p>
<p>IDK the moral of this story - would he have done better in college had he not been ambivalent? Did he really not want to go to college, but was just apprehensive (he, too, had no clear idea of a career path)? Did he just need to work through these worries himself before heading off to school, meaning the parents needed do nothing more than listen?</p>
<p>I’d talk to him and give him the choice of college or getting a job and paying for his expenses (rent in your house, gas, insurance, etc.) If he chooses not to go to college, I would have him defer admission so he can go the following year if he chooses. That would leave the college option open.</p>
<p>I would NOT provide a fancy alternative experience to college, such as traveling around Europe. His dilemma is that college is not “worth it”. What will show him that it is worth it is to see the other side of life. Working in a coffee shop would be great for him. The more minimum-wage experience, the better. Then he can decide which lifestyle he wants. Even if he doesn’t eventually decide to go to college, he will be making an informed decision.</p>
<p>You have my admiration for doing this yourself. Teenagers are tough enough and “two against one” can be helpful in this situation. The main thing my husband I do for each other is, when one of us is at his/her wit’s end, the other calms us down, comes up with an alternate strategy, or takes over. I can’t imagine doing it without support. Good luck and don’t let it get to you.</p>
). Or what about getting a teaching credential as a minor? While the market for teachers is tight now, I believe that as the boomers retire we will be hustling for good teachers several years from now. He might have a few lean years, but I think in the longer run there will be room for good teachers.</p>
Good Luck!</p>