My mother said that when any of us kids were being at our least lovable was when we most needed loving, and that sometimes the hardest part of parenting is seeing past the topline behaviour to what’s underneath. I was struck by the use of “strut” in the first post- ime strutting in young men is pretty much always masking insecurity and/or fear. The more confident they are, the less they need to strut
The stepson has been living as an adult for a number of years- but the military is an odd kind of independence for a young adult: you have a lot of responsibilities, but there are also lot of rules / systems / structures Now he’s home, and clearly stuck.
OP, it may be more productive to look at your stepson as a young adult in trouble, vs a willful / selfish / lazy / liar / taker. You might do a little research on video game addiction and see what you find, but I particularly suggest that you call in reinforcements. Start with what you do know: the family is not in a good place as a whole, and some outside expertise could make a difference. You can own your part in it- your unhappiness at the current family dynamic is enough of a reason for your family to support you by all going to counseling together. It is a natural part of family counseling for there to be some individual sessions as well, and that might be the door into getting your stepson some help to get moving again.
I think there is some good advice elsewhere in this thread. The only thing I would add is that he is almost certainly never going to college, and I don’t think that would be a good place for him if he went.
It is time for him to get a job and go out into the world. If he gets his act together and decides he wants a degree, then he can go to night school. If he doesn’t care enough about college to go part-time, then it is a good thing he didn’t go full-time.
You are far from alone, and I agree that some outside help would probably help you both. Not sure what his military service consisted but PTSD or some other service related trauma might be the root of the obsessive gaming. I’d try to get him connected to the VA and be sure he gets to the bottom of that. - Adulthood is hard and getting there can seem a daunting task. The kid should want an independent life. I’d start by confirming that’s something he’s interested in. If so, I would probably do some of the legwork for him. Share links to jobs, training programs or other ways he might get there several times a week - then start a dialog about what he’s done with them and why. If not - you have a different issue and Family/marriage counselor could also certainly help you and your wife find your way out of the situation.
You’d be surprised… We have a friend who is an air traffic controller, and he has ADHA (was never on meds). He and his non-ADHD wife say that all the air traffic controllers are the same - ADHD types, who can hyperfocus on the “game” of landing all the planes safely. I actually suggested this for my ADHD kid, but he said no way did he want that kind of responsibility.
