<p>I am fighting this inner voice telling me that my s. is not ready to go away...i am deeply worried about his being able to possess the maturity and decision making to handle himself away.I am at a loss feel like I am fighting a raging battle all the while keeping a smiling face when people ask about my son going off to college. We had a ROUGH ROUGH year, he became addicted in an extreme way to video games that nearly wrecked our household, it was as tough an experience as I think parenthood can get, you only have to look back on some of my really heartbreaking posts pleading for help to get the gist of what I went through. Though he got through that and happily is not addicted to them nor hardly ever plays anymore, we still are in a rut. He is still very immature, this whole experience truly set him back many months at least. In my heart, I don't think he is ready to go to college. I am so split in what to do...I recognize he has an outstanding opportunity to go to a great school, and make something of himself and he may well go and "rise to the occasion" and surprise us all and do really well, socialize, do all the things you expect a college bound kid to do. Then again he could regress.....this is my biggest fear of all. Lately he is sleeping, smoking pot here and there, he lies to us, said he was going to work at his uncles print business but has yet to show up except for 1 day, if he cannot get out of this rut NOW then when will he? I feel like its chancy to send him, if he is not taking responsibility NOW and learning to "step up to the plate." He has little regard for our feelings and our threats don't mean much because though my husband means well, he doesn't' follow through and my son, being a smart kid, sees the pattern and no longer feels threatened in any way knowing there will be no consequences.
I know the best thing is for him to go away for 1 month, I found a great non confrontational program in Utah, they hike, fish, its all outdoors, a real bonding and therapeutic program, he sounded like the poster child for it and its a fortune but we were willing to make a sacrifice and send him, THOUGH he has to be willing to go, he is not. He is totally unmotivated and frankly doesn't' seem interested in much. Its quite disheartening. I need some advice from someone objective. I haven't been able to open up much to those around me, just because its complicated and I am a very private person fighting a private hell............if you need more details, I am happy to provide them...if you have any sound advice, I am all ears..thanks in advance. I know from past experience this is an incredible resource with many caring people who have such wisdom in such matters.</p>
<p>Does he want to go to college and what size college is he planning to go to?</p>
<p>Tell him that either he goes to the program and successfully completes it or you're not paying for his college.</p>
<p>Also tell him that if he gets below a (you fill in the blank here) average first semester in college, and has any disciplinary problems there, you'll stop paying for college.</p>
<p>Those who hold the gold make the rules.</p>
<p>Don't fool yourself and think that college will magically change him. If he's smoking dope and not following through on his responsibilities when living in your house, he'll do even less when he's no longer under your supervision.While he may want to go to college, sounds like his behavior indicates that he wants to go to college for the wrong reasons: partying, being away from home, etc.</p>
<p>Don't throw your money away when there's no indication that your son yet has the maturity to handle college.</p>
<p>Also expect him to earn money to handle some of his college expenses such as paying for his books and entertainment. If he's not willing to work to do those things to support his dream, why should you give him your hard earned money?</p>
<p>I remember your heartbreaking posts and the difficulties you had. I'm glad he broke this addiction, but it sounds to me like he may be suffering from a clinical depression. Could be from withdrawl from the addiction, or an underlying depression may have lead to the addiction in the first place.</p>
<p>If you didn't get therapy for him during his WOW addiction, I'd suggest he go now - whether he wants to or not. </p>
<p>Of course, I'm not a psychologist, but what you describe really sounds like depression to me.</p>
<p>Join me and we'll start a club. As moms we are often ever so willing to do anything for our children. When they hit adulthood, it becomes their lives. They have their own minds, problems, mindsets. To help someone, he has to recognize he needs help, accept it and go through the pain of changing. It takes more than a mother's insistence and pushing to go through all of this. </p>
<p>We have had issues with our kids, and have tried to help them. Any one of the efforts would have helped a lot had they just wanted make the changes. They did not, do not. </p>
<p>So what am I doing? I have had advice from all friends, places, family. Cut the bums off, throw them out, disown them, cast them out, put them here , take them there, insist they get counseling, etc, etc. Tried some of the advice, diregarded some of it. I realize sadly that I can tell them how I feel, give them some options, but unless THEY do something to get out of their predicaments, I'm just providing a brief stopgap measure. So offers and advice are out there, and I am seeing a mental health specialist to keep me sane and keep me from being an enabler, get an outsider perspective on things from someone who has seen a lot of this sort of behavior from young people. Can't change them, but can help myself be stronger.</p>
<p>It is terribly difficult when both parents are not on the same page. All talk, no action or some talk total over reaction don't help.</p>
<p>It is a long term life skill to get out of addiction. But I think you are right, smoking pot, and not working are not going to carry over into success in college.</p>
<p>If you can get DH on the same page, I'd say "Son, you don't drive until you pay 1/2 the car insurance adn all your gas. You don't go to college until you get xxx grades for a year at community college. If you get below xxx grades, we will not be paying tuition at any college. If you drop out, rent/room and board will be xxx/week. "</p>
<p>But it will take both of you and both being consistent.</p>
<p>You have my total sympathy and I really hope you resolve it since I may be facing the same question in a year or so. the above scenario was one which worked on a friend's D... and the D is going off to college next month with a semester of great grades and a semester of OK grades under her belt. Plus having had a job at target which showed her just how lovely it is to live on a high school diploma.</p>
<p>Oh ctmom, my heart goes out to you!!</p>
<p>My older sister sounds kind of like your son (absent the vid games). She just was not prepared to be away from home, she partied too much, lied about going to school, signed up for classes but didn't attend, and ended up flunking out freshman year.</p>
<p>My parents bailed her out time and time again, but it wasn't until she had to make it on her own that she got her **** together. Tough love.</p>
<p>I wish you the best with your son and hope that it works out!!</p>
<p>How about a postgraduate year at a prep school? There are also boys-only postgrad programs (Bridgton Academy in Maine is one) and they are very good. Its amazing what a year can do in the right setting.</p>
<p>I peepd at this thread because I have c/o my own D, but I remember those posts. Didn't this turn out WAY better than you imagined?</p>
<p>This is a tough age for a lot of kids. A child with addiction problems obviously has additional issues to deal with. He may not be ready to go, but it doesn't exactly sound like you and your husband are ready for him to stay. What would that entail for you on a daily basis? Is it working for you now? How would it be different in two months? Some kids need a huge push out of the nest (like NS MOM) and need to hit rock bottom on their own before becoming responsible, others just need a little time. Follow your heart, but make sure your husband will back you up. Good luck.</p>
<p>Why do we so quickly jump to depression, when we have an unmotivated, lazy, selfish adult around? Nothing will change until dad steps up.</p>
<p>He is not to old to remove all the food, everything but his bed and some basic clothes, etc. </p>
<p>If nothing else, you and dad need to go to therapy and work out a plan, if son doesn't go, if he sees you two going, then maybe he will see you mean business. </p>
<p>Get some books, etc and read and make sure son sees you reading them. It may help.</p>
<p>Good luck. I had a step brother who was much the same way, and as much as I hate war, joining the military did him wonders.</p>
<p>ctmomof3 - I am so, so sorry for what you're going through. I have too many friends who have tried to deal with teen immaturity:</p>
<p>"The pot's only recreational Mom, I can quit anytime."
"Don't worry, I'll study when I get to college."
"But s/he really loves me."
"My relationship with him/her is WAY more important than a few classes."
"You mean they can fail me for missing a few classes?"
"I'll do better next semester."</p>
<p>What can I say that will assuage your concerns? Nothing, probably. IMHO you need to decide whether (A) you're willing to give your S the opportunity to succeed/failr, or (B) you insist on some commitment to success before you commit family resources to this endeavor. My prayers are with you.</p>
<p>Ctmomof3,</p>
<p>First, you are in my thoughts and prayers. You are going through a hell that no parent wants, and you need a shoulder to lean on.</p>
<p>Second, is he using pot in your home? If he is, does he realize that you, too, could get in some big-time trouble if he were caught in your home?</p>
<p>Third, try to find someone to talk to. You could even start at his high school with the directors of guidance. Often, they can help -- suggesting a top professsional, group counseling, etc. You and your husband need to present a united front.</p>
<p>And Northstarmom is right. If he cannot be responsible at home, what will he be like in college? He needs boundaries. Yes, he is legally an adult (if he's 18), then he needs to act like one. He just may need the skills to do that.</p>
<p>Good luck, and God bless.</p>
<p>Is there anyway for him to postpone his admission for a year, maybe try to get his act together?</p>
<p>I would have real difficulty spending money to send a kid to college given your situation. Unless he has scholarships, where if he messes up it's his own money on the line, I would just tell him that the money is there when he's mature enough to deserve it.</p>
<p>It's very difficult to say what to do. Some kids just may "wake up" at college and make it through the year. That's what we all hope. Really the choice can come down to making the ultimatums now and seeing if he can meet them, or pay for that first term, hold your breath and see if he can meet the standards set for that. It's difficult for me to know when to pull the the rope for anyone. It is a personal decision. I paid for a semester of school that one of mine did not deserve to have paid given his performance. I did it mainly to because I could not come up with anything else for him to do, and wanted to buy time. He did make it through that term too. Don't know if I'm just prolonging misery and the inevitable or just maybe he'll slowly grow up and even get a college degree in the time. Can't think of safer place for him to be right now for us and for him.</p>
<p>I just got a letter about some sort of tuition refund insurance in the mail...looks like you need a diagnosis ( for Psych, using the DSM) or something to use it, but I think I would be a lot more laid back about tuition for a private with that option in hand.</p>
<p>PS; I agree that the word "depression" get's thrown around fairly loosley these days....</p>
<ol>
<li> What would change at home if your son delayed college for year?</li>
<li> What is your arrangement with your son as far as college financing goes? Is it in writing?</li>
</ol>
<p>
[quote]
frankly doesn't' seem interested in much
[/quote]
</p>
<p>I'd have the kid seen by a psychiatrist just to be safe.</p>
<p>Where does he get the money for the pot?</p>
<p>Hang in there. He can always work a year; might be the best thing.</p>
<p>What does he want to do next year? Is there anything that motivates him?</p>
<p>I have some concerns about my own son's maturity for college but he is my second S to go and even though S1 had a tough freshman year (meaning we had a tough freshman year) he has really matured and I think it took working through the fears and challenges of freshman year to come around. I don't know very much about your son's history or addiction. I do know that this college admissions year (years) and the societal, peer, parental and internal pressures on these kids were (are) phenomenal. My own son has escaped to videogames - especially competitive online games - and I find he spends more time there when he is most nervous. Although he is working this summer, I have been less than thrilled with his OOMPH! He does not have much drive to do anything - he works nights and has spent a lot of time hanging around the house during the day. Have you read the book Letting Go? It talks about the fears kids have as they leave home for college - many kids withdraw and shut down, others become more challenging, fight with their parents more, etc. I don't want to minimize your concerns or any possible addiction/depression that might exist but I wonder if his behavior isn't reflecting his fears and the intensity of all the pressure he is experiencing, or has experienced, more than an innate laziness.<br>
You have to have some requirements of him but maybe it would be helpful to talk with him more about what he is facing, maybe open some room for him to relieve his concerns, etc. He may not understand himself. I don't mean asking him directly but maybe making some "understanding" statements. I imagine you must be wondering who your roommate will be, etc., things like that? Easy starting points?? Certainly smoking pot, if addictive or excessive, could easily lead to withdrawal or depression or could be a response to depression. Which came first - the pot or the behavior? </p>
<p>Since boys don't often talk and since I know my son thinks I have high expectations, sometimes I try to give him some breathing room by telling him that I know he may not like it there, that he doesn't have to stay there if he does't like it after giving it a fair try - etc. I like to let him know that it's not the end all and be all (even if we have killed "ourselves" getting to this point) - I won't hate him, stop loving him, the world won't stop if he isn't the top student, etc. Lest anyone think this is permission to party and fail - we will also have the discussion about the $$ having some strings, naturally. </p>
<p>Many a kid (boys, especially) has had a rough start at college. You know your son best and his history best. If you believe there is an addiction and/or depression present then I would suggest a counselor now, more than an outdoor program. I don't think an outward bound type experience is the right way to go at this point. It sounds like he is frightened or pressured (escaping to video games, which are very addictive, btw), and maybe confused about what he will be facing and what he will be expected to do??? I haven't read your older posts so forgive me if I am all wet on this.</p>