I need serious help for my son whose addiction is back as a freshman.

Parents Forum
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<p>Help! My friends have told me a lot about this site and frankly I have scanned its posts now and then but never felt compelled to start one. I am dealing with a very unfortunate situation right now and desperately need help and advice.</p>

<p>My son who is 18 started a top tier college as a freshman about 2 weeks ago. He has, until his senior year of HS been a well adjusted, intelligent, handsome, somewhat shy kid, who happened to have a rough senior year thanks to discovering the world of video games (something he clearly knew about before but never took a liking to) something clicked for him in his senior year with these games and it became a literal obsession, one which disrupted our family life (which until then had been most of the time blissful and uneventful) and words cannot describe the pain that we went through in trying to get him to stop playing. Suffice to say it was one ROUGH ROUGH year. He almost completely stopped socializing, except on rare occasions and this was one of the things he was most anxious about with college, starting new social friendships, and meeting people again. The luck he had is that he is a pretty charismatic guy, and people were reaching out for him, all he had to do was say yes. He managed to maintain his grades, I still don't understand how and was accepted into several top schools, he chose the one which he thought was the right one for him.</p>

<p>During the summer he did continue to play this game but not as much, it was a tough battle. About two weeks before he left for college, he sold his system and game and understood it was not a good idea to bring this to school (a smart move) He left for school and the first week, things seemed great, he was telling us about new kids he was meeting, things he was doing, people who he met up with,etc...I sensed the enthusiasm in his voice. Something went very wrong about 6 days ago, that agitated antagonistic voice (the personality he takes on when playing the games) was back and in my heart I sensed he was playing the game again. Well, sure enough after some investigation I discovered he had in fact bought another system and was playing again. I wondered why he didn't' call or text me anymore, and when I was lucky enough to reach him, he sounded annoyed, gave me one word answers and not much else. I just found out yesterday that he is playing again and found out that has missed some classes. I am beside myself. This is the nightmare all over again.
My husband is abroad as he is closing a factory we have owned and will not be back until early October. My son does not know I know, I really had to calm down and think about how I want to handle this as I was reeling from the revelation last night. This will kill his college career as it will completely consume him.
I called my father, with whom I have a close relationship as does he and because he only lives 3 hours away from sons school, he has agreed to drive there this morning, confront my son, take away the system and try to deal with this situation. It is like taking a drug away from a user. It is that bad.
My head is spinning, I am not sure what will happen and if this indicates that maybe he is not ready for college.
Does anyone have any experience with this? It is heart wrenching to watch this happen and I am afraid this could lead to his demise in college. Any advice for a very worried mother?</p>

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<p>There was a thread at the end of last year that spoke to your concerns. It was begun by another worried parent, and you can read about it here:
<a href="http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/429622-help-my-son-might-addicted-warcraft-i-need-advice-asap.html?highlight=video+game+addiction%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/429622-help-my-son-might-addicted-warcraft-i-need-advice-asap.html?highlight=video+game+addiction&lt;/a>
I am so sorry that you are in this situation. Whenever our children are hurting or involved in self-destructive stuff our hearts are torn open. I hope you can find some help for your son.</p>

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<p>Starting college is extremely stressful for many young people, so it is not surprising that your son has chosen to "medicate" by returning to his "drug of choice", which in his case is the video game. This is even more understandable since he did not give it up entirely this summer. It's sort of like the "one drink is too many" descriptor for an alcoholic.</p>

<p>That said, I think it is wise that your father is going there to confront him. Taking the game away is only the beginning. It is imperative to find a good therapist for your son to see at college. If he needs to take a medical leave to come home and deal with his addiction, that is not the end of the world. There are posters here on this site whose kids have come home on medical leave for various reasons- including the need for psychological treatment.</p>

<p>I am really sorry that you are going through this. A lot will depend on your son's reaction to your father's intervention. If he is willing to admit he has a problem and get some help, that will be a big step. If he is antagonistic and refuses your father's help, you might need to be more heavy-handed, call the school and withdraw your son.</p>

<p>Hang in there and welcome to this forum.</p>

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<p>I was just about to post the same link as franglish. </p>

<p>It is worth reading, and might provide some insight.</p>

<p>I feel your concern, and wish you the best. It is extrememly difficult to control addictive behavior unless the one affected is willing to change.</p>

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<p>Wow if I didn't know any better I would swear your son's roommate is my son, but he is not at Yale; that said this problem is far more prevalent than many think.</p>

<p>Granted I am more sensitive to this situation than most, since I am now reliving it again but if I were your son, in addition to speaking to the roommate directly I would most definitely contact the RA, I am sure they have dealt with similar situations before and I would ask him what he advises. </p>

<p>What has our society come to when we think it is OK and doesn't warrant attention or intervention when a young adult sits in his room for 12 or 14 hours STRAIGHT sitting in front of a TV with a game console? What is going on that we think this is OK, normal and acceptable?</p>

<p>It is NOT OK, it is not normal but anyone to sit in a room for that many hours staring into a TV and immersing themselves in a make believe world. How can that be healthy?</p>

<p>I answer this as though I am the mother of that boy, but I would pray that someone would take notice and recognize that, that is a cry for help and that is not normal. He is robbing himself of the college experience of meeting new people, gaining a new perspective and challenging himself to new experiences. I am dealing with this myself, it is incredibly painful and to me, to turn a blind eye at what is a serious growing problem is unconscionable. Just my opinion.</p>

<p>I think your son should speak to someone right away and find out what the schools protocol is in such matters.</p>

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<p>Oops I just posted on my own post, I meant to address the one that spoke of her sons roommate at Yale with a similar problem. I am new and getting the hang of this.</p>

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<p>"My head is spinning, I am not sure what will happen and if this indicates that maybe he is not ready for college."</p>

<p>I used to be a psychologist working with addicts, though I did this in the days before Internet games addictions. </p>

<p>Things like pouring liquor down the sink, and flushing drugs don't cure addictions, so I am sure that getting rid of games doesn't cure game addictions.</p>

<p>Addictions are very hard to cure (and usually "cure" means that the person can not touch that substance again, which means that probably your S would not ever be able to play Internet games without risking getting hooked again).</p>

<p>My thoughts are that probably until your S's addiction is addressed by a qualified professional with your S's participating fully in treatment, he needs to stay out of college so he can devote his full energy to helping himself in a supportive environment (home). </p>

<p>Probably the best way to allow this to happen is to allow your S to feel the natural consequences of his addiction, which probably will mean that he'll get failing grades for this semester. Let your S know now about what your requirements are for his gpa in order for him to stay in school, and let him know that if his falls below that, he'll have to come home. If his grades don't meet your standard, then do not accept any excuses from him, bring him home. </p>

<p>The more competitive and prestigious colleges are, the more they believe in their students and are willing to allow them to return to school after having grade problems or emotional problems. </p>

<p>It's wonderful that your dad is willing to talk to your S about his gaming problem. While I hope -- but doubt -- that your S will change as a result of the talk, your S may reflect on your dad's words when your S starts running into grade problems. That may scare him enough to get help.</p>

<p>Meanwhile, please talk to a therapist yourself because I know this is excruciating for you, and you need all of the emotional support that you can get. I've been in the situation of having a gifted adult S who was making bad decisions, and therapy was invaluable because I have never been in that kind of pain, and I also kept blaming myself even though I had nothing to do with S's poor decisions.</p>

<p>Hugs to you.</p>

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<p>There is much more to his problem than a video game addiction. It's the underlying problem that needs to be properly diagnosed and treated by a professional. It's too easy to blame the video game for his issues. It's much deeper than that.</p>

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<p>Thanks...you are right I think therapy is a must for me right now. While I have never gone to therapy and know little about it, by most accounts it can help me least to get through this rough period. I am also doing this on my own as my husband is away for the next few weeks, and I don't' want to burden him with this right now as he is already quite stressed.</p>

<p>My father is quite an imposing figure and has always been able to "get through" to my kids in a way which we haven't always been able to ourselves. First by taking away the system, he will no longer have it nor have money to buy another. It will be cold turkey and I agree he must face the consequences of his actions, sink or swim. He will either after a few days of pure misery (living without the game) realize he is there to get an education and start applying himself or fall further (I pray not) and do poorly the first semester. We have made it clear what our "standards" are for him to remain in school.</p>

<p>I hope he does not let us down or even more himself down. We so believe in him, he is so intelligent, has so much to offer that it breaks my heart to stand by and watch this horrible self destructive behavior.
My father will be there at around 1 and I expect to get a handle on the situation later today. I am praying for a miracle but know that the addictive part of his personality still must be addressed. I have a lot of work ahead of me.</p>

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<p>So you say there is much more to this? What do you suggest? Contacting a school official and trying to get him help there? Bring him home? What? This is all new to me and I have no idea where to begin.</p>

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<p>Begin by getting yourself a therapist who is experienced with working with families that have addiction problems. Your family doctor may be able to refer you to one. Addictions problems are very common in our society, so don't be concerned about letting your doctor know about your S's difficulties.</p>

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<p>The RA in your son's dorm may be able to help you and your son connect to the appropriate mental health resources on campus. A call to the dean of student's office for referrals may also be be helpful. Now that your son is 18, HIPA regulations will prevent the sharing of medical information with you, so, unless your son has signed a waiver, you will be limited to researching resources for him to access.</p>

<p>Best to you. I hear your heartbreak in your posts.</p>

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<p>nysmile- no one is blaming the game. However, the game is this kid's drug. Obviously the underlying issues leading to the USE of the drug need to be addressed, but it helps not to have the drug in front of his face!</p>

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<p>How did you find out he was playing again?</p>

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<p>I may be wrong but my gut tells me that this is the same poster (with a new user name) that looked for help on CC about this same issue over the past year. During that time, there was much blaming of the game rather than addressing the son's mental health issues. This was the reason why I posted my comment about "blaming the game." </p>

<p>He's 18 and as far as I know, a parent can't withdraw a student who is of legal age. The student must be the one to do the paperwork. At 18, whatever parental control you had on him in the past is legally gone. </p>

<p>My suggestion is to confront him, address the issue, tell him that if he flunks any classes this semester, you will not pay another cent for him to go back. Give him the telephone number of the counseling center and hope that he takes the initiative to get help. Step back, let him fall. Let him deal with the consequence of his actions. It may be his only wakeup call.</p>

<p>Yes, the video games are his drug. Take it away, he'll find another way to play the games or find another "drug". Either way, until the mental health issue is addressed and stabilized, not much will change.</p>

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<p>About 6 days ago, I suspected it because of a startling change in his behavior/tone/demeanor. He regressed into the same antagonistic and belligerent tone he used while playing the game. That was my first hunch.
Then, I got a call from a professor who was trying to find him, to see if he was staying in a class he had been to but didn't' show up one morning, second clue. </p>

<p>Last by God's will and I am sure he did this on purpose, I found a paper that contained my sons account information that my husband had opened up for him before he took off for college. (Against my better judgment- my husband wanted so much to trust him that he wouldn't' succumb to buying another game/system but I felt the temptation would be too strong)</p>

<p>So....last night armed with all the necessary account information I was able to find out all transactions since he has been away and my worst fear was confirmed, the purchase of a system and a game at a local video game store.
That is how I found out, my first inclination was to call him and I did, but thankfully I did not reach him and instead called my father for advice. We both agreed it was best my son not know I found out and that one of us go to see/confront this. Since my husband is not here and I have two other kids at home, my going was not possible so he insisted that he go. Since historically they have had a close relationship, and my son greatly respects but does not always agree with my dad, I was and am very comfortable with this. He should be there in a few hours....I am waiting in bated breath for the outcome.......my stomach is in knots.</p>

<p>I just want to help him and get to the source of this problem. This is a whole new world for me and I am incredibly overwhelmed. I do not know much about video games, addictive personalities, therapy or any of what I am faced with right now. Has anyone else gone through something like this? How did you get your child through it?</p>

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<p>I didn't want to say that, but I absolutely agree, nysmile. The tipoff for me -- the mention of his looks. I remember being bothered by the way first poster kept saying how handsome her son was.</p>

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<p>A little confused about being confused about a previous poster, as this is the first time I have actually ever posted here. I don't think there is anything wrong with adding that my son is handsome, I was trying to simply describe him accurately. This is not someone who suffered from low self esteem, he is a nice looking, tall, presentable young man who is intelligent and well spoken. I think it helps to understand the transition that has taken place here, it is not like we were dealing with someone who was withdrawn,introverted,and not able to express himself. That's all.</p>

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<p>What difference does it make if it is the same poster or not? That is irrelevant. The poster has appropriate concerns about her son. Why antagonize?? Regardless of whether the OP can "legally" do anything, she is his mother and cares about him and wants him to succeed. Pretty high probability that he'll run into trouble academically with the resurgence of the addiction. While money (tuition) isntreported as the driving force here, it is a reasonable additional bit of leverage. I support the OP addressing this issue head on. If her son reacts with resistence, denial, antagonism, or what have you, well that is typical addictive behavior. he needs help. Addicts of all ages frequently need to be confronted. Interventions are done when the addict is about to hit rock bottom and the caring family wants to "push" them, as it were (for lack of a better word) into treatment. Nothing wrong with trying to help or save ones child. My heart goes out to you , OP. Good luck.</p>

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<p>I certainly agree that even if this is the same poster -- maybe more so -- she needs help in dealing with the issue. I would simply hope that if it were to be the same person, she would be upfront about it. Some people spent a lot of time trying to help ctmom3, who seemed to not want to hear what they said. So, if it were ctmomof3, then people might want to know that upfront. :)</p>

<p>Good luck to you.</p>