So I just had my first mental breakdown from college applications. I just finished and submitted and payed for my Stanford early app. A combination of stress and frustration just made me feel “Why am I doing this?” and “Nothing even matters.”
Then I went and cried for an hour and my dad came and hugged me and we talked it out. I want to write out my thoughts and maybe help someone who might be going through the same thing.
Basically, my entire high school career has been dedicated to getting into college. I took classes that I thought would help me get into college. I joined clubs that I thought would help me get into college. I kept volunteering at a place that made me miserable because I had already been volunteering there for a long time and staying would show dedication.
I wish I took the classes that I wanted to take. I wish I took Marine Biology instead of AP Pysch. I wish I took APES instead of AP Stats. I wish I took Regular English instead of AP English.
I wish I joined anime club and Kpop club.
I wish I quit volunteering at that place earlier.
I wish I got a job during summer instead of going to expensive summer programs that were admittedly fun but had no purpose other than being able to write about it in a college essay.
Basically I wish that I had lived my high school career for me instead of for college. I wish I did what I wanted to do so I don’t have to regret that I didn’t do it now.
But I know that I have to move on, so I will. I’ll have some mint tea and listen to magic shop by bts and I’ll feel better.
Anyway, writing this out made me feel better and I hope that if someone else is going through this they’ll also feel better.
I think you are lucky to have had this revelation now rather than later, so you can remember to follow your heart going forward. Once you get to college, remember to take marine biology, join the Kpop and anime clubs - those opportunities aren’t gone, you’ll still have those and many more as well! My son is a first year this fall, and he says this is the best thing about the college experience - everything he’s doing, he’s doing because he wants to, because he’s interested. Of course, he needs to keep an eye on distribution requirements, major requirements, etc., but even with that he’s got plenty of time to explore. Just make sure you don’t have these same regrets four years from now and you’ll be fine!
@nomood I want to give you a hug! This is such a hard but valuable lesson - make sure to share it with others. Maybe you could give a seminar to the younger grades at your school?
And wherever you attend college, follow your interests, not what you “should” do for grad school or a career. Because it is in your passions that you will find joy…and your best career.
For most people, it is hard to buck the trend, and even if you regretted that you didn’t do the things that you wished you had done, I hope that you had learned meaningful things in AP Psych, APES, and AP English, you made contributions to your volunteer place, and you did have fun at the summer programs. Don’t cross out everything you have done/experienced.
Just remember, the road not taken often is viewed in a better light, rightly or wrongly.
Good luck with your senior year, wherever you go, you will be fine.
This is a really good post. Thank you for sharing. You will get into the right college for you, so try not to stress. And in the future, yes, follow your heart. You’re young and hav plenty of time to live life on your terms. Good luck!
It is unfortunate you were misled that by taking those courses and doing those ECs instead of following your heart would make a significant difference in your college applications. I hope you get into some of those top options otherwise you would feel even worse.
I agree with @tkoparent that it is good you are learning it now rather than later. You are going to have to make a lot of tough choices in life. If you always choose based on “it’s something I must do” or “it is expected of me” then you will always have regrets. I think another thing to consider is “what is good enough” and it doesn’t always need to be the best. The chance of getting into Stanford is very low for everyone. Maybe you’ll end up at Berkeley, Cornell, Tufts…next tier down. Would it be really disappointing to you? I am speaking as a parent with high achieving 26 & 30 yr olds. Both of them are at the height of their chosen paths, but I spend most of time in trying to tell them to relax and enjoy their life a bit more.
Good luck with your college application. Have all of your RD applications ready in case the Stanford option doesn’t work out. It won’t be fun to do 10+ applications over the winter break.
Sadly you are not alone. Many many kids (especially high stats kids) feel this way. Most of the top 10 at our local high school are in therapy or suffer from depression. Most of them are coming to same realization as you have.
Much of our society seems to value acceptances at certain schools as an achievement to tout over all other things, including your happiness.
I applaud your coming to terms with this now. You will have a much better experience in college and more importantly, in the rest of your life for discovering this now.
Enjoy your tea! and the take a deep breath, you’ve earned it.
I think that you are doing well to figure this out at such a young age. Many students put way too much effort into trying to get into the “top” schools. In fact there are hundreds of very good universities in the US, and just as many outside the US.
Do you know what you want in a university? People here can help suggest some schools if you have any questions.
One daughter was interested in marine biology at one point, so I happen to have some ideas for schools that are good at it. However, since we live in the northeast of the US, most of the ones that I know of are in the northeast of the US or the eastern part of Canada.
Well, I know a lot of kids “following their heart” and that usually means playing video games or watching YouTube videos all day. DD has told me of several kids “following their heart” who vape in the back of the classroom while attempting to finish homework due in next period’s class. Which just goes to show that “following one’s heart” isn’t the only thing that gets one into Stanford.
Don’t discount your hard work and contributions to your community.
I’m sorry you weren’t happy all four years, but it sounds like you were productive, did the right thing (even if it was for the wrong reason), you helped some people by volunteering, and learned a lot about yourself in the four year process. That still sounds like a decent outcome to me. You worked hard in high school so as to have lots of choices for colleges, and I bet you will. I hope you will be able to explore marine biology, anime, and kpop - and more - while there. You didn’t get a say in the rules of the game, but if you’re a worthy candidate to Stanford, you must have played it well. Let go of your regrets lest they hold you back from going forward. You have a lot to be proud of and lots of your future still left to be lived. Good luck and enjoy the journey!
It’s still only October, there’s plenty of daylight left, so why not spend some time poking around schools you’ve never heard of? Don’t settle for the famous name-brand schools, there are thousands of good to excellent schools out there full of funny, interesting, vibrant people like you located in places you haven’t lived offering experiences you haven’t had.
Everyone has heard of MIT hacks, huge sports rivalries, lots of bonfires, the usual concerts and a litany of Greek hazing idiocy, but Google these things to see what less popular nonsense can be had:
Juniata Mountain day storming the arch
Taylor silent night
usna herndon climb
George P. Burdell
Or heck just go find one of the many lists out there:
Anyway, lots of fun stuff that makes one very good school different from another. Figure out what makes YOU tick, look at a bunch of places that aren’t on the same list everyone is looking at, find a school that makes your heart sing. There’s time to find a place just for you (and if it’s not a tippy top elite place there might be more merit aid available as well.)
Thank you for writing this. I don’t allow my D21 on CC (because this site can increase stress and be very demoralizing) but I’m going to show her this post. I think she is learning that for herself right now-- she really wants to join the hip hop club instead of MUN, and I told her to do it. It’s incredibly hard to make these choices and I totally understand why you didn’t. Because you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. No way to avoid regret. Welcome to the rest of your life!
Wow, harsh, Publisher! I think the OP’s realization of what they did wrong shows real insight. I’m impressed. It would have made a great Common App essay!
I’m really sorry you feel that your high school years were so terrible. I texted my kids to ask them how they felt about your post and they were “???”
They did many of the things you did. But they enjoyed much of it and were glad to have some guide lines on what helps for college admissions.
I’m a bit sad about your feelings about community service. One place, that so much needs volunteers told me that it’s only court ordered and high school kids needing the hours that volunteer any more. There are so many places that need a hand , and I wish people would give one without a threat over their heads.
@Momto2girls It’s ok, I just ignore people like that. You don’t need to defend me, but I appreciate it all the same.
@cptofthehouse My school doesn’t require any volunteer hours. I joined that organization because I thought I would like it, but in the end it turned out horrible for me.
@nomood There is a very bright light at the end of the tunnel, and it’s called “college”. You’re now older, wiser, have a lot more freedom to do whatever you want outside of your classroom, forge your own academic path, and find your people.
My kid, who did take the classes she wanted, engaged in the ECs about which she felt passion, etc, was still unhappy over large periods of time during high school. From her sophomore year she couldn’t wait to finish and go off to college. She is having a great time at college, BTW.
High school is an unhappy time for many kids, no matter what they do. Some kids are simply not built for high school. The ones who perform in high school as well as you did, despite being unhappy, rend to find that they really fit well in college.
A friend of my daughter hated high school so much that she took the heaviest course load she could (while continuing ECs), and managed to finish high school in three years, so that she could leave it and go off to college. She’s a sophomore and doing great, BTW.
Do you want to study Marine Biology? I can tell you which colleges have amazing programs - programs which would love to have you. Although you were miserable in high school, you still put together a top quality profile. If you are rejected from Stanford, there is still a long list of amazing colleges at which you will be happy. By this time next year, it will be “High What?”.
It truly gets better, and I predict that you will really enjoy college.
