My Uc-essays

College Essays
1

<p>I am applying to Uc- bekley and I would love to have your view on my essays.Please tell me what your opinions are and what you think I should change.Please be very strict.</p>

<p>Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?</p>

<p>I never met someone who made my eyes literally seem so unimportant. I wanted to share in her supposed pain but she certainly did not need the pity. Mrs. Tijani was blind but she definitely did not depict the picture I had of a blind woman.
I had just completed my penultimate year in school and I finally had time to take part in community service as I go to a boarding school. Luckily, my mother’s place of work was organizing a fundraiser and needed volunteers and so I cheerfully agreed to take part in this experience. After raising money, the community service program was to end with the ‘Walk for Sight’ - a ten kilometer walk with the blind to raise awareness. It was during this walk that I met probably one of the most awe-inspiring people in my life till date.
Mrs. Tijani became blind at an early age of two due to ignorance on the part of her parents on the dangers of polio. According to her, she did not realize her lack of sight during her early years; “I would hear people playing around me and would run towards them falling so many times before getting to them; I thought I was alright and falling was normal”, she said. At this point, I thought I should comfort her but as I tried to comfort her she stopped me abruptly; she did not want any of it. “Do not feel an iota of pity for me”, she retorted. I was taken aback by her reply. Why did she not want any consoling I asked myself? She must have read my mind as she then said, “I do not want you to feel bad for me; I may be challenged but so is everyone.” She said. “As we go through life we all meet challenges, physical or not. What matters most is how we deal with this challenges; it is when we let them get to us that we are truly challenged.” She exclaimed. Mrs. Tijani went on giving me shocking examples that proved to me that one is not disabled until one gives in to challenges. She said, “I am happily married with three children; I have a university degree and work. So how am I disabled? I am only challenged.” Those words struck me; they reminded me of my parents’ endless counsel on the need for perseverance and determination (a lesson they need not teach anymore). She inspired me; she made me to realize the pride one earns from determination. As the end of the walk came into view, I realized that she had given me hope and a new perspective on life.
From this experience, I learned how life would certainly pose challenges but what is of utmost importance is not the challenge but how one views the challenge. One does not loose with challenge but the moment one gives in to it. Success only comes through challenges and confrontations. For only when one gathers the courage to face them does one truly have a shot at satisfaction.</p>

2

<p>Maybe you should send your essay to people to look at instead of posting it. Uh, I liked it. I dunno, people may disagree. I thought the story was really interesting and the first sentence kind of surprised me. A few parts sound kind of contrived. You might want to think about some of your word choices too.</p>

3

<p>I agree that a few parts sound a bit forced. Your use of the term “penultimate” seems unnatural. In addition, some sentences are too wordy. For instance you can change the “my mother’s place of work…” sentence to “I worked alongside my mother, fund raising for…” or something to that effect. Otherwise, great topic. With some proofreading and polishing it’s a seller.</p>

4

<p>It’s a very unique essay this is like a plus. Your first sentence was extremely captivating. With that said I’m not sure a public post was that great of an idea. </p>

<p>And yes I agree with the penultimate sounding unnatural. Penultimate should be used when you want to hype up something, such as omg this is second to last, the last is going to be so important/a thriller" Sure while I understand senior year is an exciting year for many, this is nowhere near the focus of your esasy so i would change that word.</p>

<p>Good conclusion too, most people either have dull conclusions or conclusions that are too wordy and general and try too hard to sum up the whole essay. I think yours does it just right.</p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

5

<p>Penultimate sounds ok to me
but maybe it’s becuz of music theory where the word “penultimate” is used a lot</p>

6

<p>eh. try to sound more natural…</p>

7

<p>Nice essay. I like how YOU stand out in the story even though you are describing another person’s struggle.</p>

<p>However, some sentences are clunky and awkward, and you need to rewrite them (for example: “I had just completed my penultimate year in school and I finally had time to take part in community service as I go to a boarding school”).</p>

<p>Also, punctuation and grammar need work. (for example: “Why did she not want any consoling I asked myself?”)</p>

<p>It’s difficult for me to find your voice in this essay, but may be that’s just me. Your voice is very strong at the start, but fades out in the middle. Fortunately, it comes back in the conclusion.</p>

<p>“She exclaimed” (line 15)–The verb ‘exclaim’ does not seem to fit with the sentence. Maybe you should change it.</p>

<p>I like your opening sentence. It catches the reader’s attention without being too risky. The conclusion ties everything nicely together as well. </p>

<p>Very nice essay idea.</p>

<p>Sorry, I couldn’t offer much help. </p>

<p>Goodluck on your application!</p>

8

<p>I learned a lot more about Mrs Tijani than I did about you. I’d concentrate on a challenge that YOU haven’t given in to. Let Ms. Tijani write her own essay.</p>