UF Essay. Be as brutal as possible!

College Essays
1

<p>Hey guys, please criticize my essay as much as possible. I love UF and am trying my best to write an essay which encapsulates my experience. </p>

<p>Topic: : Describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your family, your school or community activities, or your involvement in areas outside of school.</p>

<pre><code> The warm summer of 2011; it served as an enlightenment for me. I spent a considerable portion of that summer volunteering at a local elementary school. I convinced myself that I would have only a modicum of time left for leisure, but to my surprise, I had an unforgettable experience. A close friend of mine, Miquel, had mentioned he wouldn’t be spending this entire vacation like I was, insinuating that it was time to try new things. Compelled to discover what he could possibly want to do, I inquired. “You have to do this with me”, he replied with a welcoming gesture. He was going to visit the Buddhist Dharmakāya Temple in Miami. Initially, I was reluctant because I did not know much about Buddhism, but as Miquel began to explain how refreshing and entertaining it could be, I succumbed to his plea as I believed that it could be a chance to educate myself on Buddhism and its peculiar culture.
The temple focused chiefly on Vajrayana Buddhism, highly concentrated on inner peace achieved by means of meditation. I was eager to try something so new and unique. As we entered, we were immediately greeted by an incarnate Buddhist lama. The hospitality and friendly atmosphere rendered me relaxed, subsequently allowing me to observe the smaller things around me such as the thinness of the air surrounding my body and the fabrics of my clothes that were meticulously stitched together; I began to see things beyond their superficial appearances and impressions. Trungram, one of the teachers at the temple, introduced me to the foundation of Buddhism. He explained to me that Buddha lived over 2500 years ago, and that he had been sheltered for a majority of his life until he left his home and witnessed the myriad of injustices the world entailed. The nobility of Buddhism struck me. I felt overwhelmed spending the next few hours in the temple learning about concepts I had never thought about before, such as absolute inner peace.
In retrospect, I am content with having accepted my friend’s request. He was right; it was time to try new things and expose myself to obscure subjects. I felt liberated, leaving behind the shackles of the monotonous status quo. Upon reflection, I believe that that day shaped me into the receptive person I am today. The agglomeration of peace in the air, subtle, melodic songs in the background, and all-around welcoming aurora was extraordinary and certainly made it a memorable episode of my life. That day, I unearthed the realization that I shouldn’t be closed-minded on any topic I previously deemed too intricate or abstruse to fully comprehend - Reluctancy can only hinder my future possibilities. I believe that this experience will allow me to incorporate myself into the diverse community at UF more effectively. I will always be open to new ideas, which is imperative to any club position I may have, and I will not pass on the opportunity to take the road less traveled. I will also be inclined to take initiative, as I now believe that the world is simply waiting to be discovered and delved into. UF, I presume, will hold many surprises for me and I am ready to tackle them without hesitation.
</code></pre>

2

<p>Firstly, I’d change the sentence structures towards then end.(“I will…”)</p>

3

<p>Thanks for the response! How would you change them?</p>

4

<p>Here’s what I came up with…</p>

<p>I edited it in Word. If you’d like the file with markup, pm me. Obviously, I made a bunch of changes but it i felt it was wordy and cliche in a number of places. </p>

<p>Good luck.
-d</p>

<p>Topic: : Describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your family, your school or community activities, or your involvement in areas outside of school.</p>

<p>The warm summer of 2011; it served as an enlightenment for me. I spent a considerable portion of that summer volunteering at a local elementary school. I convinced myself that I would have only a modicum of time left for leisure, but tTo my surprise, despite my busy schedule, I had an unforgettable experience. A close friend of mine, Miquel, had mentioned he wouldn’t be spending this entire vacation like I was, insinuateding that it was time to try something new things. Compelled to discover what he could possibly want to do, I inquired. “You have to do this with me”, he replied with a welcoming gesturecajolled. He was going to visit the Buddhist Dharmakāya Temple in Miami. Initially, I was reluctant because I did not know much about Buddhism, but as Miquel is convincing and I decided to take a chance. began to explain how refreshing and entertaining it could be, I succumbed to his plea as I believed that it could be a chance to educate myself on Buddhism and its peculiar culture.
The temple focusesd chiefly on Vajrayana Buddhism, highly concentrated on inner peace achieved by means ofthru meditation. I was eager to try something so new and unique . As we entered, we We were immediately greeted by an incarnate Buddhist lama. The hospitality and friendly atmosphere rendered me relaxed me., At the Lama’s urging,subsequently allowing me toI began to observe the smaller things around me such as the thinness of the air surrounding my body and the fabrics of my clothes that were meticulously stitching ofed my clothestogether; I began to see things beyond their superficial appearances and impressions. Trungram, one of the teachers at the temple, introduced me to the foundations of Buddhism. He explained to me that Buddha lived over 2500 years ago, and that he had been sheltered for a majority of his life until he left his home and witnessed the myriad of injustices in the world entailed. I was struck by Tthe nobility of Buddhism struck me. I felt overwhelmed spending the next few hours in the templeI was overwhelmed learning about concepts, like absolute inner peace, I had never thought about before, such as absolute inner peace.
In retrospect, I am content with having accepted my friend’s request. My friend wasHe was right; it was time to try new things and expose myself to obscure subjects. I felt liberated, leaving behind the shackles of the monotonous status quo. Upon reflection, I believe that that day shaped me into the receptive person I am today. The agglomeration of peace in the airpeacefull surroundings, subtle, melodic musicsongs in the background, and theall-around welcoming aurora was extraordinary and certainly made it a memorable episode of my life. That day, I unearthed the realizationrealized that I shouldn’t be closed-minded on any topic I previously deemed too intricate or abstruse to fully comprehend - Reluctancey can only hinder my future possibilities. I believe that this experience This new attitude will allow me to incorporate participate more fully in UF life. myself into the diverse community at UF more effectively. I will always be open to new ideas, which is imperative to any club position I may have, and I will not pass on the opportunity to take the road less traveled. I will also be inclined to take initiative, as I now believe that the world is simply waiting to be discovered and delved into. UF, I presume, will hold many surprises for me and I am ready to tackle greet them without hesitation.</p>

5

<p>sorry. not sure why that copied that way. I’ll try the paste again.</p>

<p>The warm summer of 2011 served as an enlightenment for me. I spent a considerable portion of that summer volunteering at a local elementary school. To my surprise, despite my busy schedule, I had an unforgettable experience. A close friend of mine, Miquel, insinuated that it was time to try something new. “You have to do this with me”, he cajolled. He was going to visit the Buddhist Dharmakāya Temple in Miami. Initially, I was reluctant, but Miquel is convincing and I decided to take a chance. The temple focuses on Vajrayana Buddhism, highly concentrated on inner peace achieved thru meditation. I was eager to try something so new and unique. We were immediately greeted by an incarnate Buddhist lama. The hospitality relaxed me. At the Lama’s urging, I began to observe the smaller things around me such as the thinness of the air surrounding my body and the meticulous stitching of my clothes; I began to see beyond superficial appearances and impressions. Trungram, one of the teachers at the temple, introduced me to the foundations of Buddhism. He explained to me that Buddha lived over 2500 years ago, and that he had been sheltered for a majority of his life until he left his home and witnessed the myriad of injustices in the world. I was struck by the nobility of Buddhism. I was overwhelmed learning about concepts, like absolute inner peace, I had never thought about.
In retrospect, My friend was was right; it was time to expose myself to obscure subjects. Upon reflection, I believe that that day shaped me into the receptive person I am today. The agglomeration peacefull surroundings, subtle music, and the welcoming aurora was extraordinary That day, I realized that I shouldn’t be closed-minded on any topic - Reluctance can only hinder my future. This new attitude will allow me to participate more fully in UF life. UF, I presume, will hold many surprises for me and I am ready to greet them without hesitation.</p>

6

<p>This looks like the makings of a good first draft… Some thoughts for your consideration:</p>

<p>1) Your intro as it stands is confusing - you mention volunteering, say you have a modicum of leisure time, and then say that you managed to have a good experience. As a reader, I anticipated that the “good experience” would come from the volunteering - but you switch directions and instead focus on what (might be?) a brief, one time visit to a Buddhist temple.</p>

<p>2) This also does you the disservice of not framing your essay terribly well - you start your essay by implying that your busy schedule or your interest in taking full advantage of your free time to relax, is what causes you to hesitate to go with your friend… You conclude that you learned that you shouldn’t “be closed-minded on any topic I previously deemed too intricate or abstruse to fully comprehend”… You should keep your initial reason for hesitancy and what you “learned” in parallel: you were reluctant to go because you wanted to relax - you learned that different cultures and religions employ different methods to relax OR you were reluctant to go because you felt awkward about trying to learn something so different - you learned that trying different things is worth feeling awkward because it allows you to understand yourself and other people better. (Not that these are the best words; I just want to illustrate what I mean about keeping your intro and conclusions parallel to each other.)</p>

<p>3) You should be VERY careful about how you talk about Buddhism. Remember that it is an OLD and very widely practiced religion… (FYI I am currently living in Thailand, and there are yellow flags up at all the restaurants indicating that they are not serving any meat this week in observance of a Buddhist holy period.) I’m not sure that you should refer to Buddhism as “entertaining”, “peculiar”, “new”, “unique”, or “obscure” without carefully putting those descriptions into the context of your life as an American high school student. Just think of a Thai high school student going to a Roman Catholic mass or a Mardi Gras party :).</p>

<p>4) Finally, are you sure that this is the story that best highlights how you want UF to see you? This sounds like a relatively superficial experience at best (a one time visit to a temple? would you expect a Thai person to understand Christianity after going to one church service?). It is further confused by the details of your visit and “spiritual?” experience.</p>

<p>“As we entered, we were immediately greeted by an incarnate Buddhist lama. The hospitality and friendly atmosphere rendered me relaxed, subsequently allowing me to observe the smaller things around me such as the thinness of the air surrounding my body and the fabrics of my clothes that were meticulously stitched together; I began to see things beyond their superficial appearances and impressions. Trungram, one of the teachers at the temple, introduced me to the foundation of Buddhism.”</p>

<p>From this paragraph (and your conclusion), it seems as though you entered the temple and nothing more than the atmosphere rendered you more aware of the air and your clothing. Is this actually what happened? Did someone explain meditation to you first? Had you read about Buddhism before visiting the temple, and then understood what you read when you experience the atmosphere? The body of your essay makes your experience sound… again, superficial, for a lack of a better word.</p>

<p>Which, is why I raise the question: is this the best “experience” to write about? It is probably possible to make an essay on this topic better - but it may be that, say, your experience volunteering at a local elementary school would give you MUCH better material - e.g. specific examples of you helping students understand concepts they are struggling with, and how that helped you better understand the concepts yourself… or perhaps you had trouble connecting with a particular student because you don’t come from the same background, but you managed to find a way to laugh together… think of the qualities you think UF wants to see you demonstrate (leadership, problem-solving, determination?) and then think of a story that best shows that you have those qualities…</p>

<p>Hope this helps - good luck :)</p>

7

<p>I’m sure you’ve seen this before, but don’t use so many big words just for their own sake. It seems to me like you’ve shoehorned lots of fancy words in because you think it sounds impressive. For example, “succumbed to his plea”. This doesn’t make me think of you agreeing to do something with your friend, it sounds more like you caving for a pity act. Say what you mean, not the fanciest thing you can.
Also, content is a rather mild word for describing this experience. If you’re really just “content” with your decision to go, why are you writing about this event?</p>