<p>anybody wanna read?</p>
<p>k pm meeeee</p>
<p>MEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!! :p</p>
<p>i'll read, PM it to me :)</p>
<p>i would like to read, PM me =)</p>
<p>I would like to read because most of these essays tend to become cliche. Hopefully you somehow manage to turn such a hard topic into something interesting</p>
<p>ill read it for you.</p>
<p>its more sad that interesting, hopefully that will get me in</p>
<p>sorry guys, its 114 characters too long to fit in a pm, i'll just post it on my blog. i'd appreciate any comments or criticism, <a href="http://lifeandtimesoftolu.blogspot.com/2005/11/doctor-essay.html%5B/url%5D">http://lifeandtimesoftolu.blogspot.com/2005/11/doctor-essay.html</a></p>
<p>thats what I wrote too. Where did you send it? PM me I am brilliant at grammar.</p>
<p>just click on that link and it'll take you right to it</p>
<p>It's supposed to be a personal statement, not a story, man! <em>shakes OP at the shoulders.</em> I've read (literally) almost a hundred personal statements for people applying to 7-or-8-year med programs and you've fallen into the most common trap.</p>
<p>As a reader I understand your friend died due to medical incompetence, but I don't give a damn how. Tell me more about how it affected you; not just what happened. I had a prevailing urge to skip over the second story after reading the first just to get to some solid content. That's not a good thing! </p>
<p>You have a good opening and I believe your essay has a lot of potential, but at its current state only half of it is about you.</p>
<p>thanx. it really isnt a personal statement. "use the space on this page to describe your motivation for choosing your intended career." w/ that in mind, are my narrations still out of place, HVSahin?</p>
<p>OK I hope you are open to feedback. Here is my honest take.</p>
<p>I am wondering why you chose a "why I want to be a..." for you college essay. Is this one of the essay choices? Or is this a particular program? I don't know what GPPA is. But it is well documented that people don't always get through pre-med and that organic chem is a killer. Also it is common to change majors, so this seems way too specific if you are applying for a regular undergrad program.</p>
<p>I think this essay has some basic typical flaws. It is very vague, it "tells" but doesn't "show" all that well. You spend too much time dwelling on when you are small, when no one really knows their capabilities or understands the skills needed in this or any field. You only talk about your own vague desires and conclusions and not the skill set you have that would make you successful in a programme. </p>
<p>Then you spend a lot of space telling about things that happened to other people. I think it's fine to tell about being impacted by friends deaths, but you spend way too long on the story of them. This detracts from what you need to show about you. You say occurences have steered your life toward a career in medicine, but you just tell a long story about others, not a word about what things you are doing that are medically related, it is just in your mind or do you do things to further this life goal?</p>
<p>It is ridiculous to compare your unknown potential skills in medicine to people who have been through school and are practicing. To say that you wouldn't make mistakes is just not credible at all.</p>
<p>Your final several statements don't add anything at all and could be said by just anyone. They are either trite or cliche. You need to dig deeper and try to find something meaningful to say that couldn't be said by most anyone else.</p>
<p>I'd say look to try to tell a little story about you that shows your own personality and ability. I just didn't get that from this.</p>
<p>
[quote]
Use the space on this page to describe your motivation for choosing your intended career.
[/quote]
</p>
<p>That is MOST DEFINATELY a personal statement if ever I saw one. Yes, sadly I think the narrative is still out of place. =(</p>
<p>When I finish this essay I want to know why you want to go into medicine. After reading 800+ words, I learned:</p>
<p>[ul]
[<em>]You had your childhood dreams of being an astronaut crushed.
[</em>]You think you can use what you learn to help people.
[li]Two of your friends died, and left you with survivor's guilt[/li][/ul]</p>
<p>And that's about it. That stuff in the end is rather pointless too; don't make such a big deal about the university. They're asking you why you want to be a doctor, not why you want to go to U of I; surely there's another essay for that. The way I see it you could take out the bulk of your essay and replace it with more concrete reasons and vastly improve your chances.</p>
<p>bettina, its a combinded undergrad and med school program. i really never attacked the doctors, i guess i should make it sound less threatening. guys feel free to say anything. I really want to get into this program, they only have about 80 spots :(</p>
<p>edit: 30-45 spots</p>
<p>I think that when you start describing your second friend's death you lose the readers interest. Make that much more concise and try to add in a few more statements about how these things have effected you on a deeper level. Since they probably read this essay topic a lot you've gotta make it stand out. The ending sounds like you were just trying to finish the essay as soon as possible so you wrote in some vague stuff.
Very good direction you are going in, but if you concentrate more on yourself and make it flowy and interesting it will be a world of improvement</p>
<p>guys, i took the advice of what everybody said. It still here, <a href="http://lifeandtimesoftolu.blogspot.com/%5B/url%5D">http://lifeandtimesoftolu.blogspot.com/</a> could you PM me your comments our post them here?</p>
<p>I won't repeat the comments that Bettina listed as most of them still hold true in your revision. I still don't see much of a change because the essay still does not talk about you and still places emphasis on situations which happend to others.</p>