<p>Hello, I am going to turn in my NHS app tomorrow. It basically includes three questions and a paragraph. I would appreciate it if you could read the paragraph and give me any suggestions. Thanks.</p>
<p>"In a paragraph, explain what contributions you'd like to make to [High School Name] and our community as a member of the National Honor Society. Please use the back of this paper."</p>
<p>As a member of the National Honor Society, I would like to contribute to [High School Name] in any way which would be beneficial to the school and our community. Until my high school years, I never exactly saw an opportunity to extensively work independently towards helping anyone in need. In fact, I never truly had an inspiration to do so. This, however, changed with my first service project, a food drive which my scouting troop participated in. At first, I signed up to going for the mere fact that doing so would fulfill my rank requirement, and I was not particularly psyched about waking up early that weekend morning. Yet, that first service project had a greater influence on me and how I thought about helping others. As I saw the amount of people that had joined to help the cause and the tremendous amount of food which had been donated, I finally understood deeply the idea and importance of helping others. I saw people, who I knew were not particularly well off themselves, who still spared food to those in need. That strong sense of community and coming together which I had experienced on that day is what I want to see being brought to [High School Name] and is why I am interested in joining the NHS. Wether it is through gathering food for the food bank, tutoring other students who may be struggling, or volunteering for activities at [High School Name], the idea is simple: helping others when help is needed, without personal gain. That has brought humankind to where it is today and I do not know where we would be without it. And that is what I want to be a part of.</p>
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<p>Watch what you say. Plenty of people would say humankind is in a fairly God-awful state.</p>
<p>But here’s my rewrite. Take what you like and leave the rest.</p>
<p>Before high school I was never inspired to work independently to help people in need. This changed with my first service project, a food drive I worked on with my scouting group. I had signed up just to fulfill a rank requirement, and I wasn’t initially psyched about waking up early that weekend morning. Yet that first service project had a great influence on me and how I thought about helping others.
When I saw the tremendous amount of food that had been donated and the tremendous number of people who had joined to help the cause, I finally understood the importance of helping others. I saw people, many of whom were not particularly well-off themselves, sparing food to those in need. I want to bring that same sense of community to [High School Name] through the National Honor Society.
Whether we’re gathering food for the food bank, tutoring struggling students, or volunteering for school activities, our goal should be simple: to help others when help is needed, without the expectation of personal gain. This ideal has brought humankind to where it is today, and I want to help continue its legacy. </p>
<p>That ending is cheesy. I lost momentum at the end. But “And that is what I want to be a part of” is vague. The question becomes…why do you have to be part of NHS to help people? What will NHS allow you to do that you wouldn’t have been able to do otherwise?</p>
<p>I suggest being more specific about what exactly you want to do.</p>
<p>Edit: Also, they’re asking for a paragraph, not a few. Failure to follow directions could hurt you.</p>
<p>Thanks. I changed some of it and completely replaced the ending.</p>
<p>I decided I’ll turn it in tomorrow so any further suggestions would be appreciated. I have a feeling I went too much off topic with the paragraph and didn’t exactly answer the question, but I couldn’t exactly think of any specific answer. At the end, in NHS I would just do what I’m told in terms of community service…</p>
<p>Depending on your school, it might just be a formality anyway…especially since they’re asking for a paragraph and not a real essay. Try to be as concise and unpretentious as possible.</p>
<p>Please don’t sweat NHS. It is a joke and doesn’t mean much. My school’s NHS barely does anything of importance. Last year the only thing we did was make puppets for elementary school students. That essay looks fine. Just submit the app and do something more productive with your time.</p>
<p>@halcyonheather I’m pretty sure it’s unpretencious, but is it concise…?</p>
<p>@IWillKillForMIT I know, but I may as well apply. The paragraph may’ve gone waaay off topic and although I’m pretty sure I’ll get accepted because I’m guessing it’s easier at my school than some others, I know the person who I think will read the app and I don’t want to embarrass myself in the log turn…</p>
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<p>IMO, no…I cut it down by almost 100 words. A lot of the stuff you said was just unnecessary filler you put in for the sake of sucking up to the judges. But they get that a lot and I can’t help but think it gets old.</p>
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<p>The log turn?</p>
<p>Long term*
Sorry, I’m on my iPhone…</p>
<p>Anyways, I don’t mind using filler words…I just don’t want to embarrass myself with the person I know, as I already said. I’d rather write a 7/10 essay than write some completely unrelated ******** where she’ll be asking herself “who the f**ck wrote this”.</p>
<p>Bulls**t. It automatically turned it into starts and I can’t edit posts on my phone.</p>
<p>Stars*
Ugh, sorry. I hate having to triple post…</p>
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<p>I don’t think your essay is embarrassing or off-topic (though it might be more relevant to talk about what you plan to do in NHS…I’m sure you could think of something they could do that they don’t already). But there’s no good reason to use filler when it could be avoided, especially when you were asked to write a paragraph. They want something short.</p>
<p>Definitely apply. I am not discouraging you from applying. I am just telling you not to sweat it. NHS is not very difficult to get into and even if you don’t get in, it really is not a very important EC. I literally wrote my essay at 11 pm the night it was due and it took ten minutes. Your essay is better than the one I wrote and I got in so you probably will too.</p>
<p>@halcyoneather I’m not sure it’s asking for suggestions on specific programs to do; I’m pretty sure they actually have the entire year planned out. That’s why it was difficult to directly answer the question. </p>
<p>@IWillKillForMIT Thanks. I’ll try not to stress it too much. Should I still mention it in my app? (Plan on applying to some UC schools, maybe a few Ivys) literally my only ECs are recreational Alpine skiing since age 6 and swimming 9-12th grade for school team… Not particularly good at either.</p>
<p>Oh, and Boy Scouts. Possibly Eagle if I rejoin.</p>