Need advice from parents on how to talk to mine about my late drops from some classes

Parent Cafe
1

Hey everyone. I have been reading on CC for a while but just made an account so that I could post. This is a long story, but I feel the need to be thorough in the hopes that it will not get me some of the unnecessary criticism that often comes up when someone posts about a similar situation.

This semester (around the mid-point) I was diagnosed with a kidney infection after being rushed to the hospital. I had been treated for a UTI two weeks prior, but went back to the clinic a few days after my antibiotics were done because the symptoms had not gotten any better, but a test came back negative for another one, and other tests came back negative. I have also been suffering from an unspecified upper respiratory infection since that time (tests for pneumonia, bronchitis, and mono all negative). I had told my mom that I had been having issues with these problems, but downplayed how serious they were. The fact that I was physically unwell also heightened my anxiety & depression, and for those reasons I recently did late drops from 2/4 classes I am taking, and I may have to see about retroactively doing a medical withdrawal from my other two classes for this semester, but am going to talk to a school counselor tomorrow.

I have suffered throughout college from my anxiety & depression, and the last year has been very difficult for me personally and academically. I would have told my parents about how bad my overall health has gotten this semester sooner if I thought that they would be supportive. I know that they will want me to stay home and take a semester off, but I am much healthier up at school due to having a better support system in place now (advisors, counselors, primary care doctor, friends, living independently). I do not feel like my home is a safe space for me to recover and learn how to keep my mental health in check. I pretended to be healthier than I actually was at the end of this summer so that I could escape back to school. I am not 100% honest with my parents with how serious my anxiety & depression are because I know they will react judgmentally (have tried to let them in several times in the past and it always went terribly), and I know that their negative reaction could put me into a very dark place.

I do not want to hurt their feelings, but I do want to be able to be assertive with them when I say I am not taking a semester off to live at home because I do not feel like it is conducive to me recovering & learning to manage my mental health properly. I am 21, and I have a plan in place to only take 1-2 classes next semester (to keep me involved in school and so I do not have to start paying interest on my loans) and meet with my assistant dean/advisors, along with primary care doctor, as needed. I will also be seeing a counselor through school or one at a private practice nearby, depending on what the counselor tomorrow recommends. I have an apartment up at school that I pay for on my own (along with utilities, textbooks, other expenses) and will be getting a part time job next semester to help pay for basic living expenses. My biological father pays for my tuition, and I will be contacting him about what has been going on with me this semester (although my mother seems to think that she is able to dictate whether or not this money is spent on my schooling).

I would be willing to send my parents weekly progress reports from my classes/counseling visits/advisor appointments, whatever they need as proof that I am up here working to get better. I just know that home is not a safe environment for me to recover in. It is not a healthy home situation, and I have absolutely no friends back home or a judgment-free support-system I can rely on. I just need to find a way to break this to them when I come home a few days before Christmas so that it does not drive us apart completely. I am worried that me refusing to stay home (which will be what they want) is going to make them mad enough that they will no longer want to talk to me. I know that this is long and dramatic, but I am incredibly anxious and am just looking for any way to salvage this relationship with my parents while still being able to recover in the way that I feel I need to.

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I think people are not responding due to your wish not to get criticized.

If you are late dropping and then hoping to get late medical withdrawals from your remaining classes, then basically your semester resulted in you making no progress of any kind toward a degree despite incurring significant costs that apparently are partially being paid for through debt. And your plan is to mostly work next semester to get enough to pay for your apartment and other expenses – this could be a heavy work load for someone self described as an anxious, depressed and not healthy person. It isn’t clear that you know best when you have decided that going back to school is the best choice, but make sure you know how many credits you must carry as a part time student to avoid having loan payments become due – it might not be enough to take one or two classes as a certain number of credits might be required.

3

First, I am sorry you are going through this. It sounds like it was a rough semester on many fronts. @cheddarcheeseNM made good points about making sure you are taking enough credits to be considered enrolled for loan purposes. Have you already enrolled in classes for the spring? When is tuition due?

A few questions: how close to completing your degree are you? Prior to this fall semester, have your grades been solid? Have you been on academic probation previously? If, other than this semester and the two late drops, you’ve been doing okay I think you have a stronger case.

You reference getting a job - but you don’t say you’ve got one lined up. Do you have solid leads on that point? I’d also caution you to think carefully about how much you can / want to put on your plate should you go back next semester. Is it possible to just take a light full-load and focus on your studies?

I’m glad you are seeing a counselor - Obviously, any advice you get here will be from total strangers who don’t know you, your history, or family dynamic - so keep that in mind. As for your parents, honesty is the best approach. It sounds like you didn’t want to worry them with the severity of your illness. Explain that to them. How close to home is your school? Maybe a compromise would be to come home every other weekend or some such thing.

I fear this post is more questions than answers. Wishing you well in working through this difficult situation.

4

4 Gulls nailed it on all fronts. Keep in mind that even if your mom is initially judgmental or insistent that you move home, it’s because she’s worried about you. You know you’re an adult, and she knows it at least intellectually, but when your child is fragile, the temptation to leap in and rescue is nearly over-powering. See her negative response, if that’s what she offers, as coming from a caring place, even if it’s not the response you want or need. Give her some time to work through how she feels about it - you, after all, have had all semester to think about what to share and not share. She may need some time to see that you are trying to handle this on your own and not doing a bad job of it. (A medical withdrawal sounds like a good idea. The fact that you made ‘no progress of any kind’ academically per Cheddarcheese, is totally unimportant. What’s important here is making progress towards being healthy physically and emotionally.)

I also agree strongly with 4 Gulls about not overloading yourself next semester. There are no prizes at all for finishing a degree in 4 years. Talk to your biological dad about slowing the pace down to ensure that you are fully healthy before you pick up a full load next semester. There is no shame at all in easing back in while you get yourself back on track.

And good for you re seeing a counselor ASAP. That’s the person who really ought to be helping you formulate an approach to your parents, and to work through their reactions once you’ve shared, rather than strangers on CC.

5

Yes. You would not like my opinion.

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@CheddarcheeseMN I am going to try to meet with someone in the financial aid office, but I am not sure if they are open as we are technically on break. I was planning on meeting with someone in the counseling center first to talk to them and then figuring out how many classes I would need to take.

@4Gulls I am in my fourth year at college. I have had pretty solid grades, although I have had a few hiccups here and there because of situational factors (serious bacterial infection last semester was contracted a couple weeks before finals). But I have never been on academic probation. I am enrolled in four classes for the spring and my spring tuition has already been paid for, and I had taken out a couple loans for next semester. I am not sure if our financial aid office is still open, as it is technically break, but I plan to discuss with them how to return my loans and how many classes I need to take in order to not have to start paying interest on my loans. I have an extra semester or two because I have changed my major and because of the late drops I did this semester.

I do not have a job lined up yet, but I do have solid leads. I have had jobs in the past (part-time and full-time) and they have all gone very well. It is a bit easier for me to leave my mental health issues at the door when I head into work versus when my life is only consumed by school. I feel more productive working than taking classes full-time, and this was a compromise I had discussed with my primary care doctor when my diagnosis anxiety in addition to my depression was given. The issue is that most of the courses I have left to take are mostly upper level, so there is not really a way for me to continue taking courses towards my degree while taking a light-full load.

I live about an hour from school, but don’t have a car, so getting home every other weekend would be difficult, but it is something I would be willing to figure out with them if that is something they would want.

7

@NSmom I agree. I will definitely be open with her about this semester, although I am still worried about being completely honest with her about the severity of my illness (I have always felt much more anxious at home because I am constantly walking on eggshells around her, but obviously do not want to tell her that). I know she will be upset about the late drops/medical withdrawal because she will have seen it as a waste of money, and not so much that I was ill enough to feel like it was necessary to drop/withdraw.

I was doing well in my classes up until the midpoint of the semester when I got physically ill, but since the two classes that I dropped were heavily attendance-based, even with all the doctor’s notes it was not enough to excuse me from all of the classes & in class exercises I had missed because that made up a majority of the classwork and my professors were not able to pass me because I was not allowed to make up those exercises.

I am okay with taking things more slowly and not finishing a degree in four years. I got this same advice from my Assistant Dean when I put in for the late drops and he told me to do what I needed to do in order to get healthy and to make that a priority over graduating “on time”. I know that seeing a counselor will help since he/she will have a bit more information about my life, but I also know that the people on CC have been able to give some starting advice for people in similar situations, so I wanted to reach out to the community to have several opinions to work with.

@MotherOfDragons I realize that a lot of people will be critical of me and I am okay with not getting their responses. I would rather get fewer responses than read dozens that are unnecessarily critical of me.

8

I’m guessing from your comment that you are “constantly walking on eggshells around” your mother that she has borderline personality disorder, narcissism or some other personality disorder. If that is the case, I am sorry, and I completely understand why you don’t think you will be healthy living at home.

But you may not have a choice if you can’t continue with your studies. If this is the case, then you need to learn to set healthy boundaries with her while you are recovering. Even if she has a mental health disorder, she is your mother, and undoubtedly wants the best for you.

9

@echo332 I would be critical of your choices, not you. The difference is crucial.