Need Advice/Opinions for my UC Personal Statement

Applying to College
1

<p>Hello everyone!</p>

<p>I'm a 20 yr old community college student, and am planning to transfer to a UC this coming fall. This is my first time applying to a university EVER, so it's been a stressful experience. I'm a biology major, and my GPA isn't the most competitive (3.18), so I'm trying to make my personal statement as powerful as I can to aid my chances of admission.</p>

<p>The prompt I have been working on is the 2nd UC prompt, which asks:
"Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?"</p>

<p>I come from a very rough upbringing, including a childhood filled with abuse, neglect, drugs, violence, etc. I know this is a taboo subject for personal statements, however it greatly has an influence as to why I am who I am today. I'm trying my best to write it in a manner that expresses my gratefulness for my hard upbringing... the last thing I want is for them to think I'm trying to pull a pity-card on them.</p>

<p>So here's what I came up with so far (keep in mind, this is still a work in progress, so it's in its VERY rough stages still lol). I'm using a piano/musical theme throughout the paper to show my musician side, which is brought up a few times within my application. </p>

<p>PLEASE feel free to post any advice, opinions or tips of yours! Don't hold anything back, I believe points of view from strangers are the most honest, therefore the most helpful. Thank you so much everyone!!!</p>

<p>My upbringing resonated with a low as thunderous as the piano’s first note. It was a perfectly composed disaster, and if I could alter the orchestration of my past, I wouldn’t. There is not one element from my childhood I am not thankful for, because every rumbling moment has sustained the importance of why I am the strong, fearless, resolute individual I am today. </p>

<p>My introduction to life didn’t consist of parents living in harmony. I grew up without a father; before my first birthday, my father was arrested and sentenced to serve 10 years at a maximum security prison. His intermission left me to be raised by my mother who’s bipolar and schizophrenic. My father’s absence, along with my mother’s troubled lifestyle, allowed to develop the characteristic I value the most in myself: Being independent. </p>

<p>The beauty behind finding my independence was that it provided me with a positive outlook. It didn’t make me realize that my parents’ lifestyles were wrong– it made me realize that their lifestyles weren’t the right one for me. Gaining my self-reliance equipped me with an unknown melody I couldn’t wait to discover; it showed me that I didn’t need to follow anyone else’s tempo or tune.</p>

2

<p>I find the writing style very awkward–the musical references seem very forced (your father’s “intermission?” Really?)</p>

<p>You’ve thrown out a bunch of adjectives describing who you are, “strong, fearless, resolute and independent” but you haven’t convinced me. I get the difficult childhood, but how exactly did you cope? What “unkown melodies” did you discover? The whole thing is a little to broad and vague to tell me much about you. Make it very personal (then don’t repost it here). See if you can pick one or two experiences that really highlight what you’re trying to say here and “show don’t tell” how you are self-reliant and independent. </p>

<p>If you want to put music into it, I’d go easy on the similes and maybe focus on how playing the piano was an outlet that helped you rise above your tough situation.</p>