<p>Kjmom – my daughter is graduating from a college that was a big reach for her- her SAT scores are clearly in the bottom quartile and she comes from a public high school that doesn’t afford nearly the same opportunities or preparation that many of her classmates from elite privates experienced. She felt somewhat anxious before starting, but when she got to campus she realized that the students were not nearly as brilliant as she had imagined. Yes, there were a lot of smart students, but from the start (after meeting and talking with others) she had the sense that she was in the “top” third intellectually. (At the time she made some comment about the impact of athletic recruiting – apparently she met quite a few students whose prowess on the playing fields exceeded their prowess in the classroom.)</p>
<p>After 4 years, she graduated in the top 5% of her class (summa cum laude) – so apparently her perception was not far off. While I was visiting for her graduation, we had a conversation with some of her friends, who had far better SAT scores but grades in the B+ range. The friends were joking about how they never did the reading for their classes. My d. looked at them like they were crazy and said that she always did all the reading and tried to stay ahead. </p>
<p>My d has commented several times to me over the years about the difficulty of her school. She would often say, “mom, you just can’t understand how HARD it is here.” – but she never had any B’s after her first semester – and by the end of her first year she was in the position where every A- actually brought her GPA down. </p>
<p>So here is what I would say: your daughter’s reach college would not have admitted her if they didn’t think she could do the work. Your daughter IS fully capable of doing the work there and excelling.</p>
<p>However, it depends somewhat on what your daughter wants for her future education, college experience, and career. My own d. is very ambitious, energetic, and willing to work very hard for what she wants – and my observation that success in college is all about discipline and work. Obviously there must have been many time when my daughter was in her room or the library reading while her friends were out socializing. My daughter DID have plenty of time for fun, but I think she had to schedule that time and put a high priority on the school work. I would note that my d. has also always worked, both with a work study job and extra part-time work on evenings or weekends – so she had additional pressures on her time.</p>
<p>You mentioned that your d. is shy and my daughter is very different – extremely outgoing and assertive, and very strong self-advocacy skills. She’s the type of person who would take the lead in organizing a study group and wouldn’t hesitate to meet a prof during office hours, and also would keep on questioning if she didn’t feel that she was getting helpful answers in class or when working with a TA. </p>
<p>I would always look for a good fit first – I think my son did better at a school that was a definite safety for him because of issues related both to inner discipline and personality. </p>
<p>So I think you simply need to reassure your daughter that no matter what anyone says, she will be able to do the work and earn good grades at her reach college, if she wants that and is willing to work hard to get it. Again, its not about ability, its about effort. And its not that my daughter was putting in an inordinate amount of effort – it was just steady and persistent effort . I think its more that she found herself surrounded by the type of kids who had coasted through high school and expected to to the same at college, and in that environment she excelled simply because she had better study habits. </p>
<p>You might try coming in from a different angle and asking your daughter how she envisions her college life. I actually tried to encourage my daughter to seriously consider a safety school with a party reputation, asking where she could see herself being happier. And I don’t think that my d. was all that “happy” at college. Looking back, the academics were superb, she has wonderful relationships with some of the faculty that she hopes will continue long after graduation – but she’s only got a handful of close friends from college, and had some periods of unhappiness, often dependent on her living situation. At one time she considered transferring, but then decided that the academics were more important to her than her social life. </p>
<p>One more thing: as senior year neared, the looming debt became far more real to my d. and a source of constant stress. She has now landed an excellent job that will also offer a benefit to help pay down her loans. I can see opting for a less rigorous school for less debt – my son certainly never regretted attending a public college and graduating almost debt-free – but opting for more debt with the less prestigious school makes no sense economically. (She’s paying more money for a less valuable commodity). I wish there was a way to get high school seniors to see loans in their true light – as expenditures – rather than as gifts or free money.</p>