Need essay score/suggestions

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>This isn't my "template" but the examples I chose are very familiar to me so I was able to write in some detail. I've read every thread on the SAT essay and the general advice is to have a couple researched examples. What examples do you guys use? I tend to go for one historical, one literary, and one current event. </p>

<p>A person does no simply "receive" his or her identity. Identity is much more than the name or features one is born with. True identity is something people must create for themselves by making choices that are significant and that require a courages commitment in the face of challenges. Identity means having ideas and values that one lives by.</p>

<p>*Adapted from Thomas Merton, Contemplation in a World of Action</p>

<p>Assignment: Is identity something people are born with or given, or is it something people create for themselves? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations. </p>

<p>Identity is something people create for themselves otherwise there would be no purpose for learning experiences. This is clearly demonstrated in historical, literary, and current events.</p>

<p>As shown by Steven Jobs, Jobs defied all social norms and became an invincible icon of the technological era. In the year 1985, Jobs created an advertisement with the former CEO of Pepsi. This ad became a game changer and Jobs soon became known as the guy who accomplished the impossibles. First with the macintosh, then the Apple I, and finally the Apple II, Jobs made choices based on his values and eventually did succeed in taking on the personalized computer industry. While other companies focused on the bigger picture, Jobs focused on the tiny details that made a difference. By focusing on aesthetic characteristics, Jobs created an identity for himself, the identity of a perfectionist. </p>

<p>Another example is the classic novel Frankenstein. A scientist named Victor becomes obsessed with the living dead and as a result creates Frankenstein, his first creation. Hideous and exiled from society, Frankenstein vows revenge which leads to everyone's demise. However, Frankenstein was not born evil and in fact he had a mind of a child whose curiosity was insatiable. Frankenstein's transformation to evil may be partly the fault of his master and society but nevertheless it was his decision to create his evil persona and the identity of a monstrous killer. </p>

<p>As said by Thomas Merton, identity is indeed much more than the name or feature one is born with. Identity is formed over time and experiences as shown in the case of Steven Jobs and Frankenstein. While not all identities are well-intended or courageous, it is still a vital part of human life and a world without unique identities would be quite dull. </p>

<p>It's been a few weeks since I've practiced my essays so I am aware that this essay is full of flaws. My biggest problem right now is choosing top 10 examples to research. Are there any examples that are very versatile?</p>

2

<p>I would give this essay a score of 3 out of 6.</p>

<p>At least to me, it’s not really clear what you’re trying to say, (especially in the first paragraph) and your thesis wasn’t specific enough. It could be made clearer with good topic sentences (the first sentences of each body paragraph that you have now don’t really count.) Your second example also seems sort of indecisive and it’s again somewhat unclear. The essay could use some improved vocabulary via the use of synonyms. There are also a few little grammatical errors here and there but they are minimal so that’s good. The analysis is there but it’s not very deep.</p>

<p>This is also a random little side note that’s being nitpicky but I think it’s still worth pointing out. Most people, and therefore probably whoever will grade your essay, think Steve Jobs is his real name, or at least don’t think his actual first name is Steven. If you’re going to write his name, write out his name in its entirety so it doesn’t seem quite so much as if you “don’t know” Jobs’ name. When I first saw Steven Jobs I thought you made a mistake, and unfortunately that can make you seem like you’re unknowledgeable even if you’re entirely correct.</p>

<p>I openly admit I may be biased towards essays that have clear topic sentences, and that I tend to be a harsh grader. However, I would still encourage you to get in the habit of writing better topic sentences as they make your essays easier to read and understand.</p>

<p>As for how I get examples, I just grab the most solid examples I can think of on the spot and use those to take my stance, regardless of if I actually believe it or not. Sometimes they’re from history and sometimes from books and sometimes from my own experience, though many people don’t recommend the latter.</p>

<p>I’ve never prepped for essays by deliberately researching examples so I’m afraid I can’t really help with that.</p>

3

<p>Thanks for the suggestions. I know that I need to write my essays with a mixture of simple, compound, and compound-complex sentences but that’s something I need to work on later. Right now I am using AcademicHacker’s guide and so far its going great. I need to choose 5-10 examples and research it so that I can plug in all of its details on the spot.</p>

4

<p>The example on Steve job doesn’t really relate to the topic. I would give this a 4/6. If you want a double digit score, you should have</p>

<p>Intro
Example 1
Example 2
Example 3
Conclusion. </p>

<p>That will ensure you at least a 10.</p>

5

<p>It’s actually not necessary to have 3 examples to score double-digits as long as you put in a lot of thoughtful analysis. I did a 5-paragraph essay once and only got a 9 lol.</p>