<p>The prompt is from the October 2007 SAT: Is identity something people are born with or given or is it something people create for themselves?</p>
<p>My essay:</p>
<p>The excerpt whcich is provided argues that a person creates his or her own identity through his own actions rather than it coming to him naturally. I completely agree with this as I do not believe that a person is born with anything other than his genetic make-up. A person's personality and character is built by parental and teacher upbringing along with the kind of company that person enjoys. On the other hand his identity, the things which come up in an observer's mind when that person's name is mentioned is created by the person himself through his own decisions and courses of action.</p>
<p>Several concrete examples can be mentioned supporting my point of view. The first one comes from my own observations and experience. My friend, Ali, was born into a highly religous and conservative family which had old-fashioned views on life. Had it been Ali's family's and parents' choice he would have become a highly religous person and also a person who would conform to the lifestyle around him. They taught him to believe in conventional and orthodox religious beliefs and also to take a quiet approach to life. As soon he matured enough, Ali denounced what he previously believed in and was taught in his childhood and also he viewed life in a much more different manner instead of what was taught to him. As a result his identity had completely changed and people viewed him much differently. Be it with awe at his bravery or rancor towards him, it was clear that he developed his own identity himself and it was much different than what he was born into.</p>
<p>Also look at people who are terrorists and killers, say Ed Gein. Was Ed Gein taught to, or was he born with the inclination to kill young children and women? Obviously not. Although it can be argued that his upbringing might have been lackluster, he certainly was not taught to do so nor born with the ability. Instead, he too found aesthetic pleasure in doing so and made his own decisions, and thus his own identity.</p>
<p>Overall my view is that although how a person is nurtured and his company does have an effect on his personality, the thing being discussed here, that is his identity, is made up by the person himself later when he matures and develops a sound understanding of life and that which is around him.</p>
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<p>Please give me a score which you think would be true and realistic. Feedback would also be appreciated about how I can improve it and what's wrong with it. Written in 26 minutes.</p>
<p>nah thats way too high in reality you would get a 4 only for the simple fact that you thesis statement is at the end of your first paragraph. the people that are going to be grading our test in the next few weeks are English teachers and reader that learned in writing a well composed composition, the thesis is always the first or second sentence.
Everything else is very good maybe add just a little more vocab.</p>
<p>p.s. MAKE IT LONGER. I CANT STRESS THIS ENOUGH ALL OF THE 5-6 SCORED TEST TOOK OVER A PAGE AND A HALF ON THE TEST.</p>
<p>^ Well isn’t an introduction to the topic necessary? And its also a common thing to say what you feel about it at the end of an introduction. I don’t see anything wrong with it, but if the readers don’t like it, I’ll have to improve on it, obviously.</p>
<p>And my essay length was only about 6 lines short of the full two pages. That’s all I could write in the given time.</p>
<p>Yea I’m not use to reading the prompts on the internet so it was probably about that much.
I mean your references are good so i know your gonna get a good score but, the graders read a lot of the same essays and they are looking for that pattern of writing that is traditional in English literature. btw are you taking the test on the oct. 10? cause i am and i was wondering where you get the writing prompts. i need to practice also.</p>
<p>Yeah, I’m taking it on the 10th. I have this book which has about 7-8 real SATs. October 07-January 09, I think. It’s not a legal book. There’s an academy here, and any one of its students order the Q&A service and then they compiled all of it into a book. I don’t go to the academy itself but I bought the book from them. Thank God I found it, because I burned out most of the BB when I took it in May.</p>
<p>Grade mine as well!!!
Prompt: Do people achieve more success by cooperation than by competition?
As the Irish writer George Bernard Shaw once said, “We are all dependent on one another, every soul of us on earth.” In many aspects of life, this is true. Although one may not be able to succeed alone, with a partner, success is in the air. With cooperation, countries can regain past glory, tasks can be finished quickly, and civilizations can split from a mother country for the better.
When Kankan Musa became sovereign of Mali, what had once been a flourishing kingdom was a poor, dismal country, regarded lowly by the surrounding African countries. As the king, Musa wanted to re-build what had been a glorified country, but had fallen apart when a previous sovereign attempted to fix the country without any assistance from the citizens. Musa knew that in order to re-establish Mali, he needed cooperation from the Malians. With cooperation from the community, Mali became one of the greatest African societies once again. Cooperation from the citizens helped Musa succeed in improving Mali.
In The Adventures of Tom Sawyer, by Mark Twain, Aunt Polly gives Tom the task of whitewashing a fence, and so Tom is unable to go play with his friends. However, as Tom’s friends come along, they all express interest in wanting to wash the fence for Tom, since they find it entertaining, as well as productive. By his friends’ cooperation, Tom is able to finish the fence early and go off with his friends. Working on the fence allowed Tom to successfully paint the fence in as little time as possible.
The Revolutionary War is another great example on how cooperation can lead to success. At first, many of the men were unsure if they wanted to split America from England, their mother country. Without working together, the men were unable to fight fairly, since England had more men than America. However, when they all joined for the same cause, they were able to fight heroically against England, finally becoming the United States of America. Fighting together instead of independently caused the success of the new country.
The wise Benjamin Franklin once noted, “If we do not hang together, we will all hang separately.” This quote is one of the wisest of all time. It is irrefutable that if one is independent of one another, one may not succeed in what one pursues. As a united group, on the other hand, one is able to complete much more, from a making a country better, completing simple task, to fighting for a country, cooperation brings on the success that may be otherwise difficult to achieve. </p>
<p>BTW, I would give your essay a 4/5, because of it’s length. However, you should try not to use personal examples (according to RR [rocket review]) or recent events.
As for using “my example”, “my view”, and “my opinion”…That knocks points off.
Don’t refer to the prompt or use the quote from the prompt–“The excerpt which is provided argues that a person creates his or her own identity through his own actions rather than it coming to him naturally. I completely agree with this as I do not believe that a person is born with anything other than his genetic make-up.” Restate this more like, “A person is not born with more than his or her genetic make up–the rest is up to the person to decide.” This makes the essay seem more professional, and also boosts your score.
Try not to side with a gender (for exampel, he/she). This also knocks off points.
Your conclusion, “Overall my view is that although how a person is nurtured and his company does have an effect on his personality, the thing being discussed here, that is his identity, is made up by the person himself later when he matures and develops a sound understanding of life and that which is around him.” is very poorly written, since you use “my view” as well as male examples. You should just state “Although how a person is nurtured and who one spends his time with does have an affect personality-wise, one’s identity is made up by one when one matures and develops a sound understanding of life and that which is around one.”
Do NOT use “the matter discussed here”. That just sounds LAME. =)
Again, don’t use personal examples/observations UNLESS you CANNOT think of anything else. I repeat, this is only a LAST RESORT!!! (Unless the prompt SPECIFICALLY asks to use your observations, which it rarely does.)
Hope this helps!</p>
<p>I would give this essay a 4. I agree that your thesis statement needs to be at the end of the introductory paragraph. You need to state briefly what your examples are in that sentence, as well. “Several concrete examples can be mentioned supporting my point of view…as exemplified by my friend Ali and killer Ed Gein”. Also, you don’t give several examples. You only give two. I had no idea who Ed Gein was which doesn’t matter, but he could use more explanation so that your reader isn’t in the dark. You don’t ever want to say “In my opinion”, “My view is”, or “I completely agree”. I also found many grammatical errors. See if your practice book gives you a formula for writing the SAT essay. If I remember correctly, you want to take a solid position. Possibly even answer the prompt in the first sentence. Back it up with 3 examples, preferably from literature or history. Then conclude. Make sure to fill up the 2 pages. Just keep practicing.</p>
<p>I’d give you a 5. There are a few grammatical mistakes here and there. Also, try to keep sentences uncluttered; when you say “his family’s and his parents’”, it sounds a little awkward. “His family’s” is fine, since that basically includes his parents.</p>
<p>Also, try to write the whole 2 pages. High scoring essays almost always fill out both the pages given.</p>
<p>yeah i too didn’t know who was Ed Gein. I know the readers will probably know about it if he’s famous, but just to be on the safe side, you should elaborate more about him.</p>
<p>Some of the reasons as to why you get points knocked off don’t make much sense. I mean, the prompt asks for your opinion, so why should it be wrong to use phrases like “in my view” etc? Yeah, there are better ways but it shouldn’t be that big of an issue that get your points knocked off.</p>
<p>And the gender thing. That’s really ridiculous, in my opinion (pun intended :P). Are feminists reading the essay? And what other options does a person have? Repeatedly using “he or she” sounds really bad. And “one” doesn’t seem very good either. “One should this because if one does that it will not be good for one”. And using the commonly used “their” is grammatically incorrect.</p>
<p>And I don’t know if it’s just me, but I find one can write the best if the examples are personal. Examples from history sound really pretentious and boring to me and they also verge on being cliche. I mean people like Hitler can be fit into any kind of prompt, even this one.</p>
<p>And why 3 examples? I think 2 well explained and reasoned examples are better than 3 short and comparatively un-explained ones. Seriously why is the SAT essay so formulaic? Why can’t a person just honestly express himself?</p>
<p>Thanks for the advice though. I’ll try to listen to it since my aim is to score high, not to express myself. A good essay can not be written in 25 minutes anyway.</p>
<p>PS, could you guys please point out the grammatical errors so that I won’t repeat them.</p>
<p>This advice may not make sense, but there is a format that will get you a 5-6. My son followed it and received an 11. Keep in mind that those who score your essay read it very quickly and they are usually English teachers making a few extra bucks on the side. They know the format and will score you well if you follow it. Here are some pieces of advice that my son followed:
That’s the point. The essay really isn’t a good indicator of how good a writer you are. But the good thing is that it’s pretty well known what you need to do for a 10+</p>
<ul>
<li>Solid intro, introduce the quote, make your position explicitly clear</li>
<li>3 supporting examples, preferably 2 literature and 1 history or 1 literature 2 history</li>
<li>Concluding paragraph that refers back to your original position, points out the implications of your thesis, identifies other possible supporting examples that exist, etc.</li>
<li>As close to the full two pages as you can</li>
<li>Vary your sentence structure, throw in an SAT word when appropriate
The SAT Essay is not a writing test. Let me repeat that: The SAT Essay is not a writing test.</li>
</ul>
<p>If it were, they would give you more than 25 minutes. Nobody can write a decent essay in 25 minutes. If it were, they wouldn’t look down on essays just because they are shorter.</p>
<p>If it were a writing test, they would give you unlimited time to write the best essay that you possibly could, and then their readers would take more than a minute to read it.</p>
<p>But, alas, they don’t. So you cannot write the same essay that you do in your English class.</p>
<p>You need a clear intro and pointed thesis, three solid examples that clearly support your thesis, and a short conclusion. It absolutely has to be two pages. Don’t worry about colorful language; the most important thing is getting your point across. Remember, your reader has very little time to ingest the essay so you want to make sure everything you say is up front and obvious.</p>
<p>Yes, I’ve realized that. I’ll have to follow the format, no matter how much I think it doesn’t make sense to use it for scoring well on a section called “Writing”.</p>
<p>But I’ll have problems re-calling examples from history since I’m not much of a history buff and I still think the idea is extremely cliche.</p>
<p>I think it’s completely alright to use personal examples.
haven’t u guys read a sample essay in BB 1st edition which received a six.?
i think the think what matters is that these personal examples should be relevant to the point ur trying to make.</p>