Need feedback! Will anyone read my essay?

<p>Question was: What does freedom mean to you?</p>

<p>Today, my baby cousin is learning how to walk. He stumbles, falls, and cries, which reminds me...</p>

<p>“Hold her steady, I need to count her fingers and toes...”
The doctor never completed his sentence, so 16 years later, I’ll complete it for you.
“...she has twelve toes, six on each foot”.</p>

<p>Though somewhat stunned, my parents saw this genetic mutation of mine as a mere disfigurement, if one at all. Considering the fact that my twin sister and I were delivered several weeks premature via C-section and nothing else went awry, my overall successful entrance into the world was classified as a miracle. </p>

<p>They were just glad that I was alive.</p>

<p>Before I was old enough to be conscious of the world around me, my parents made the decision to surgically remove my eleventh and twelfth toes. For the most part, they were motivated by practical and economical factors: My feet were becoming a hindrance to take care of and my mother’s amusement in buying baby shoes was quickly dissipating. My twin was born with ten toes, and they were concerned that one day, I would ask them the daunting question of why she only had ten and I had twelve.</p>

<p>So, at the hands of my parents, I was destined to become “normal”. </p>

<p>But by then, I had already learned how to walk in my extra wide shoes, run in them, and play in them. But my feet, boarded up in a million corners inside the shoes, constantly suffered from blisters. Consequently, I learned to walk, run, and play without wearing any shoes at all. My bare twelve toes acquainted themselves with the ground and then slowly befriended the Earth. They knew the cool marble floors in my home, the dewy morning grass in my garden, the rough cement, and the boiling cobblestone in the summertime. My first memories are of my feet running across my grandmother's garden. My first memory was the feeling of freedom.</p>

<p>After being a part of me for nearly 4 years, my eleventh and twelfth toes were forcibly taken away from me. My remaining ten toes were then tied up in heavy white casts. My feet were separated from the ground, and they gradually and inevitably began to lose the feelings of freedom and liberty. I remained bedridden and trapped for a month before I was finally released from my luxurious solitary confinement. </p>

<p>I forgot how to walk, how to run, and how to play. My feet forgot what it felt like to walk on solid ground; the Earth was no longer a friend. Once my feet learned how to balance, I realized that the rest of my body did not follow suit. Unsteady steps, left in front of right, I learned how to walk again. So, I guess, technically, I didn’t really learn how to walk until I was about 5. But hey, I learned how to walk twice. </p>

<p>Nearly ten years later, I am still walking everywhere with my feet. I will never forget toes eleven and twelve, for they have shown me that a person’s feet is perhaps the third most important part of a body, after the heart and the brain. Feet connect allow us to move through the world, allowing us to see more and feel more. To be able to see all our eyes can hold and learn everything our brains can learn, that’s what freedom means to me.</p>

<p>I walk on the streets of City, State (for privacy reasons) and the alleyways of TriBeCa to feel what millions of men felt, to see what millions of men built. I walk on mountains and hills to feel what wild animals feel, to see what the bushes and trees see. I walk up and down the stairs in my home to feel what my mother works so hard to take care of, and to see where I grew up. </p>

<p>My parents gave me a life; my 12 toed feet have gifted me one. And I’m glad to be alive.</p>

<p>Hey. I enjoyed your essay. I won’t be comprehensive necessarily; but a few little things, some of which will be opinion only:</p>

<p>1) Since the doctor is the one who didn’t complete his sentence, then you should complete it for “him.” The reader knows they are there. </p>

<p>2) I believe you have a genetic “variation,” not mutation.</p>

<p>3) “mere” and “disfigurement” together are oxymoronic, at least in tone.</p>

<p>4) “still walking everywhere with my feet.” I see what you are going for, but it’s a little on the too-cute side. You could put a period after “everywhere” and leave it at that.</p>

<p>5) Should be: “A person’s feet [are]”</p>

<p>6) I’d hyphenate the compound adjective “12-toed.”</p>

<p>7) “gifted me one.” It’s key to the style of your conclusion, so I’m hesitant to criticize it, but I don’t fully like – because I don’t fully understand – “gifted” in that context.</p>

<p>8 ) This is my most general criticism. You used the word freedom once, but the broader freedom theme is not clear to me. Look at that from a reader’s perspective and you may be able to develop it further. You had a heck of a lot of freedom when you had twelve toes. Do you have more freedom or less now?</p>

<p>9) I think you blew your privacy with TriBeCa.</p>

<p>Overall I like your essay and I think it offers something original.</p>

<p>Btw, I realize the doctor could be a “him” or “her.”</p>

<p>“To see where I grew up.” I found that confusing. Do you live there now? If so, you see it every day; If not, it’s too important to be placed as a subordinate clause. If you do currently live there then saying “to see [how] I grew” up might make sense.</p>

<p>I see now that you used the word freedom several times. Connect this in a more direct way to your story and you will be fine. You want the reader to finish your essay having gotten a unique insight into freedom because of your personal history. What seems obvious to you may need be obvious to the reader.</p>

<p>Somewhere in your essay your you should express sensitivity to those who do not have use of their feet. “. . . Or personal mobility, however someone is physically configured . . .” A clause to that effect may suffice.</p>