UC Personal Statement: Could anyone read mine?

<p>My parents are asking me to start early on my statements. I don't really understand the prompts, but I went ahead and wrote down what came to mind. </p>

<p>Prompt #2
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?</p>

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<p>Growing up was not a difficult task for me; I was good at making new friends and decent grades came naturally to me. But by no means does this imply I had the perfect childhood all parents should wish for their children. The skeletons in my closet are simply different those of the people around me. </p>

<p>Elementary school is when I first got a glimpse of something my world would revolve around for years to come. Playing tag on the field with my friends, I would occasionally get the comment, "Hey -----. Why do you run on your toes?" My response would always be the same: "It helps me run faster." While this may be true, it wasn't the official reason why. But 8 year-old me didn't know that; it was just my habitual answer. I didn't seriously take notice of everyone's curiosity though. I had more important things to think about, like recess and what was for lunch that day. </p>

<p>My parents had noticed my funny walk and offered me the chance to have surgery in order to fix it. But I didn't care. "It was just my way of walking," I always told myself. Moving into middle school, however, changed my opinion on how I walked, ran, and responded to the questions my peers had. It was no longer the occasional question, it had become an everyday occurrence. I was constantly asked why I walked on my toes and it eventually got to me.</p>

<p>I had X-rays, checkups, and tests performed to figure out what was wrong. The Achilles tendon in my left ankle was too short and had to be lengthened. A minor surgery, but it would be a long recovery. Casts, boots, and rehab would all be part of my daily life for months and months to come. More importantly, the recovery would shut down something that my life essentially revolved around in middle school, which was my sports. Every day before school, during school, and after school, I wasn't me if I didn't have a football to throw or a soccer ball to kick. That was what truly hurt.</p>

<p>But I did it anyways. I wanted to have that normal lifestyle where people didn't raise an eyebrow when they saw me coming over to eat lunch. The experience was life-changing for me. Not only did I alter how people saw me, but it helped me come to the realization that people can be influential without ever realizing it. Nobody knew that their simple questions made me undergo months of rehab and exercises. But that doesn't bother me now. I'm a much better person because of it and I'm proud that I was able to go through with something I never expected myself capable of.</p>

<p>It's given me courage to become the person I want to be and the desire to not be critical towards others. That's what defines me today and I want to keep it that way. I don't look at a friend with a limp and think about how it's a shame he can't play soccer with us after school. I look at him and wonder if he wants to join us for a movie this weekend instead. People will occasionally ask me whatever happened to my "toe-walking thing." I just chuckle and tell them what happened. It no longer bothers me because I've put it all behind me, and I have the scars to prove it.</p>

<p>Please be as harsh as possible if necessary haha. I really need to know what I'm supposed to be doing here. Thanks!</p>

<p>To be honest, I think that the writing is a bit awkward and choppy. It’s hard to explain why an entire essay does not flow, but I’ll point out a few phrases that could be worded better:</p>

<p>-"“Hey -----.” Why the ----?
-“My parents had noticed” - do you need “had”?
-“look at a friend with a limp and think about how it’s a shame he can’t” - just a bit long and unwieldy
-“People will occasionally ask me whatever happened to my “toe-walking thing.”” - this is grammatically incorrect. You need to rearrange the quotations. It’s also a bit awkward and wordy. It could run more smoothly.
-“But I did it anyways” - anyways is not a word. While beginning a paragraph with “but” can be stylistically okay, in this case it sounds amateur.</p>

<p>I think that the essay starts out boring. You say, “Growing up was not a difficult task for me.” I don’t know why, but it just doesn’t sound human. While it is grammatically correct, think of it this way - you don’t know you, and you come across this essay and read that line. This is the college admissions officer’s first glimpse at you, presented by you yourself. It just sounds awkward and robotic. Try for a better lead in, like start with, “Hey, why do you walk on your toes?” or something like that. It’s just more interesting. </p>

<p>Lastly, the end. The conclusion. The finish. The premise of the essay. I’m going to pick out a few lines. </p>

<p>-I’m a much better person because of it
-I’m proud that I was able to go through with something I never expected myself capable of. (side note, don’t end a sentence with a preposition)
-It’s given me courage to become the person I want to be</p>

<p>Is there any more interesting way to phrase this? You are being direct in explaining what you want the reader to realize about you, and this can come off as both amateur and artificial. It’s like…when you’re watching kids’ TV shows and at the end, someone says, “The moral of the story is ____” and you roll your eyes.</p>

<p>Sorry to be harsh, but I hope that helped. Good luck!</p>

<p>I feel like this essay was good but the intro was very misleading. For example, describing your tip toeing as a skeleton in your closet was a bit awkward.</p>

<p>I wish you luck :-)</p>