Need last sentence for my Common App essay.

<p>I can't think of a strong last phrase. Any advice?</p>

<p>On the evening of my sixth birthday, my mother and father brought me see my first Broadway show, a theatrical adaptation of The Who’s rock opera, “Tommy”. I watched entranced as actors scurried to and fro across the stage, filling the air with voices resonating through to the back of the auditorium. I listened carefully for each note, making sure I absorbed every sound that rang from the obscured hole in front of the stage. For weeks afterwards, I perched in front of my electric Casio, attempting to play songs from the musical, usually producing cacophonous jumbles of noise. Soon after, my parents bought me a toy drum kit. I practiced for hours, beating the sorry life out of those defenseless, plastic drumheads. I found my percussive adaptations to be more accurate than my melodic ones. As I grew older, I learned to play piano and guitar, and hence my passion for learning instruments set sail.
By age twelve, I gained skill in writing parts for each individual instrument, visualizing an imaginary audience’s awestruck facial expressions as they heard my masterpieces in full force. Soon, I became frustrated because I was unable to experience the same excitement that the audience in my head heard; I longed to hear all of my monophonic parts played simultaneously. Via an intensive crash course in rock performance, I attempted to teach my sister how to play my drum kit. After several unwilling rehearsals on her part, she decided to go back to her Barbie’s. I then replaced her with my lifelong friend Seth, who had just begun to learn bass guitar. We would attempt to sing and play our favorite songs in the smallest room of my murky basement, where not a soul could hear our developing voices. Our musical abilities sharply improved, and I fell in love with an essential skill in music, instrumental interaction.
As I reached high school, I enlisted in my school’s musical theatre band, lending my bass guitar skills and my enthusiasm for musical and theatrical histrionics. With the help of my phenomenal music professor Mr. Shepard, I began to expand my instrumental horizons even further. During my sophomore year, I learned to play double bass when my school adapted Rogers and Hammerstein’s “Cinderella”. Although I continued to play piano for all these years, it was my music major I enrolled in during my junior year that reestablished my love for a piano’s warm sound. I studied the styles of different composers in the history of music and I began performing with more passion and excitement than ever before.
Many people suppress their desires and passions in order to achieve economic success. My own lifelong passion for music, however, continues to flourish, (insert last sentence).</p>

<p>What are your goals as far as music goes? Is it something you intend to major in or do as a career? If you could tell us more about what you hope to do with music, where you're applying, etc., maybe we could help you?</p>

<p>I intend to major in music composition, or something along the lines of combining my musical experience into one profession. I am applying to mostly liberal arts colleges so I can explore different subjects. I am not sure what I intend to do as far as my career goes, but principally something along the lines of composition.</p>

<p>Omnislash, in a paragraph-by-paragraph breakdown:</p>

<p>
[quote]
On the evening of my sixth birthday, my mother and father brought me see my first Broadway show, a theatrical adaptation of The Who’s rock opera, “Tommy”. I watched entranced as actors scurried to and fro across the stage, filling the air with voices resonating through to the back of the auditorium. I listened carefully for each note, making sure I absorbed every sound that rang from the obscured hole in front of the stage. For weeks afterwards, I perched in front of my electric Casio, attempting to play songs from the musical, usually producing cacophonous jumbles of noise. Soon after, my parents bought me a toy drum kit. I practiced for hours, beating the sorry life out of those defenseless, plastic drumheads. I found my percussive adaptations to be more accurate than my melodic ones. As I grew older, I learned to play piano and guitar, and hency my passion for learning instruments set sail.

[/quote]

Leave out hence in the final line of the first paragraph.</p>

<p>
[quote]
By age twelve, I had developed a skill for writing parts for each individual instrument, visualizing an imaginary audience’s awestruck facial expressions as they heard my masterpieces in full force. Soon, I became frustrated because I was unable to experience the same excitement that the audience in my head heard; I longed to hear all of my monophonic parts played simultaneously. Via an intensive crash course in rock performance, I attempted to teach my sister how to play my drum kit. After several unwilling rehearsals on her part, she decided to go back to her Barbie’s. I then replaced her with my lifelong friend Seth, who had just begun to learn bass guitar. We would attempt to sing and play our favorite songs in the smallest room of my murky basement, where not a soul could hear our developing voices. Our musical abilities sharply improved, and I fell in love with an essential skill in music*:* instrumental interaction.

[/quote]

The comma after "essential skill in music" should be a colon.</p>

<p>
[quote]
When I reached high school, I enlisted in my school’s musical theatre band, lending my bass guitar skills and my enthusiasm for musical and theatrical histrionics. With the help of my <a href="phenomenal%20%3C-%20I%20don't%20like%20this%20word.%20It's%20trite%20and%20often%20overused">b</a>** music professor Mr. Shepard, I began to expand my instrumental horizons even further. During my sophomore year, I learned to play double bass when my school adapted Rogers and Hammerstein’s “Cinderella”. Although I continued to play piano for all these years, the music major I had enrolled in during my junior year reestablished my love for a piano's warm sound. I studied the styles of different composers in the history of music and I began performing with more passion and excitement than ever before.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>
[quote]
Many people suppress their desires and passions in order to achieve economic success. My own lifelong passion for music, however, continues to flourish.

[/quote]

The rest of the essay sounds nice and genuine. This last paragraph sounds like you pulled it out of.... yeah.</p>

<p>Let's see... how about something like: "My love of music has grown into an essential part of me; many people believe tell me that there's no future for me in music, but I won't be disheartened. I will continue to pursue my musical interests alongside all my other endeavors." </p>

<p>But you'd have to talk about it a little bit beforehand in your essay so it all balances out.</p>

<p>My $.02.</p>

<p>Thanks so much for the advice. Even though that last paragraph sounds excellent, I can't say that people tell me that there is no future in music. There are many professions in music, but I want to mention that it is difficult to sustain. How about this:</p>

<p>My love of music has grown into an essential part of me; many people tell me that music is a difficult profession to sustain, but I will not be disheartened. I find all aspects of music fascinating, and I hope that I can tie these concepts together and ultimately create a piece that inspires others, much like Tommy inspired me when I was a child.</p>

<p>Just quickly, plural of Barbie is Barbies, not Barbie's.</p>

<p>Got it, any more general advice or citiques?</p>

<p>Punctuation always goes inside the quotes (if your from the US), as weird as that seems. For example, it's "Tommy." instead of "Tommy".</p>

<p>I mean as far as the quality and general effect of the essay. Thanks for the tip though.</p>

<p>Although I continued to play piano for all these years, it was my music major I enrolled in during my junior year that reestablished my love for a piano’s warm sound.
OR as another poster suggested:
Although I continued to play piano for all these years, the music major I had enrolled in during my junior year reestablished my love for a piano's warm sound.</p>

<p>This sentence is a bit confusing. What music major did you enroll in? I am unclear as to whether something happened that helped you reconnect with the piano and if so, what was it? You had always been playing the piano, now something changed but I don't know what.</p>

<p>That's a bit strange because it is an Audio Technology major. It focuses on music history and appreciation, and that's what influenced me, but the name is misleading. I am not sure how to phrase that.</p>

<p>I don't think you need to necessarily mention the major. What you need perhaps are more specifics about your music and your involvement in it. Which instrument do you like best? You say you play piano, but are you proficient in it? What kind of music do you like best? It wasn't signing up for Audio Technology that made you newly appreciate the piano. It was probably something else... studying the works of Mozart... listening to the works of Rachmaninoff... whatever, but those specifics can give a better sense of what inspired you.</p>

<p>Oh, okay, thanks so much</p>