Common app essay and short answer!

<p>Would anybody mind reading my essay/short answer please?!?And please give me some feedback(don't make it too harsh)!</p>

<p>Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum). </p>

<p>(I had trouble writing this because I wasn't sure if I should write it straightforward)</p>

<pre><code>Even before I was born, I could hear the sounds of classical music being played on the piano by my mom's students; I was born with music in my soul. I have always been drawn to practicing instruments and discovering new pieces of music, ranging from jazz to classical.In high school, the amount of such opportunities was immense.I was placed in the Symphonic Band,the school's most advanced ensemble,where I became the concert master,a band's most honorable position.On Saturdays,I would play in the Borough-Wide Band,which held its concerts at Carnegie Hall.Also,I joined the Staten Island Community Band, where I had the privilege of playing with more experienced players.I participated in such an ample amount of ensembles that it would be too tedious for me to write,and too tiring for you to read.However,I will tell you that participating in such activities has taught me to manage my time wisely and find a medium between school and band.This is,in my opinion,truly what high school is about.
</code></pre>

<p>Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.</p>

<pre><code>“Life is so fragile that it can end in the blink of an eye, so use every moment of it to perfect yourself, help others, and enjoy life around you.“ This is a phrase I have come to live by ever since April 21, 2010, a morning I will never forget. That morning had changed my whole perspective on life as I knew it.
</code></pre>

<p>I wandered into the hallway on a seemingly normal morning and saw my father walking up the stairs, with bloodshot eyes, trying to contain his tears. I knew that something terrible must have happened. He told me that my older brother, Eddie, had been in a car accident the previous night, resulting in a traumatic brain injury, a punctured lung, and a number of other injuries. He had undergone a wide array of serious surgeries and was now in a coma. All of this information shocked me. Naturally, I rushed to see my brother in the hospital. He was unrecognizable, and I could not hold in my tears. He was in a coma for almost two months.
Every day, there was a line of friends and family members that gathered to see my brother lying unconscious in the hospital. My parents stayed with my brother constantly, taking turns; one would go home and get some sleep while the other would stay, worrying about what was to come. During this time, I realized how much good there is in the world. Strangers prayed for my brother’s recovery- my biology teacher set up a prayer network that spanned all around the world. Countless others offered their sympathy and help, and it continued when he was transferred to a rehabilitation facility. There, he learned to walk, talk, swallow, and perform other seemingly thoughtless tasks. The abilities healthy humans take for granted are the tasks my brother had to learn once more.
Jean Jacques Rousseau once stated that man is naturally good, kind, and caring. The terrifying experience that my family and I underwent proved Rousseau’s theory to be absolutely correct. I realized how supportive people can be in a time of need. Without that support, my brother may have not made it so far in his recovery, which is still underway two years later. He speaks slowly, sometimes unintelligibly, and his right arm does not function. However, he is alive, and I am forever indebted for that. At times, though, he does not fully apply himself to his recovery, and as a perfectionist, I know it is my duty to do whatever is in my power to help him. I use nearly every moment I possess to pester Eddie to practice his speech therapy exercises, or to exercise his arm. I will not give up until my brother is at a consummate state, no matter how irritating I may be, or how indolent he may be. I will never stop encouraging my brother to keep moving forward; in turn, I will not stop moving forward as well.</p>

<p>Could someone please answer??Sorry for bumping!</p>

<p>For your first essay:</p>

<ul>
<li>Too many “I” statements. Count up how many times you started your paragraph with I.
It’s great that you participated in so many of these activities. Maybe choose one experience that you had, go into some detail and explain what you got out of it. Don’t just list what you accomplished, but explain HOW you felt and what you learned.</li>
</ul>

<p>A good start. Good luck!</p>

<p>For your first one, I think it’s better if you leave most accomplishments out (if you’re adding an Arts Supplement, you can add them there), and instead focus on why you are passionate about music. You don’t have much space, use it well. Accomplishments don’t necessarily show why you love music so much and what you learned from it.</p>

<p>For your other essay, I think you chose a great topic (and it does make you realize how we take things for granted), but a couple of sentences could be stronger. I can’t really advise you further because I’m not an expert, so you should probably just wait for a more experienced reader to give you detailed advice.</p>

<p>Thank you very much Guitar500 and jyeah! Guitar500, what do you mean ny stronger statements? Vocabulary wise?</p>