DS = Day School?
@panpacific. Thanks , I stink at acronyms.
We probably could use an acronym thread or document. 
It’s funny to look back at the start of this thread, 4 years ago.
With time and perspective, the only answer is that every parent tries to do their best given the resources at hand. Sometimes the public schools are wonderful. Sometimes, even if they’re wonderful, the child is not thriving in the school; the fit is bad. Sometimes the public schools are not wonderful. “Going private” is a clear sign that you have found the local public schools not to be wonderful.
We were so engaged in our local public schools, everyone knew why we changed. Our choices were either to send our eldest to a different school or move house. I am certain parents who choose to switch to local private day schools also face negative reactions.
Some people may make rude comments or silly statements as an attempt to intimidate others. Although it hasn’t happened often. And if someone says, “I could never…” my response is a simple, “We did, and it was a wonderful experience for our children.”
The key is not to get angry–what would be the point? If you’re upset, the best thing to do is to answer the questions. Such as, “we got tired of being assured classwork was challenging when it wasn’t.” Or, “After years of homework being handed back with no corrections, we decided to investigate other options.” Or, “We read the recent report from the accreditation team.” Or, “The introductory meetings with parents made clear student access to academic courses and extracurriculars was explicitly limited.” Or, in extremis, “I’m too lazy to be a pushy parent.”
The most disarming thing to do is to be honest. When in doubt, one can always smile and nod.
@well, we tried a very good public school for one year, when my daughter was in Kindergarten. The hardest was social. Example; A girl acted like DD’s best friend, and one day asked DD to exclude another girl, DD refused it. The next day, the class had an activity that kids were supposed to pair up. She held DD’s hand until the very last moment, and the left DD for that another girl who was excluded. The class had odd number of kids. DD ended up as the one left alone.
Daughter couldn’t put up with the immature rudeness/unthoughtfulness of young kids, nor she could join them. It was one of the reasons we homeschooled, and a reason that we won’t consider a public high school, as the kinds of social behavior still exist in large LPS, whether the school is good or bad. You need to participate in the childish social games to survive in the environment. DD could do it, but wouldn’t be happy at all in doing so.
Her community college classes are obviously not like that at all. Kids eventually do grow up and act with maturity.
What I came to learn and believe is that, for whatever reasons - more maturity, better upbringing, small school size, living together,. etc. etc., the social environment seems good and mature in boarding schools. Not only DD will be about to adjust to that, but also she will be happy in doing so. Of course, we will really find out if everything that was promised will turn out to be truth in the Fall.
@SculptorDad My DD had the same experience as yours in the 1st and 2nd grade of a Montessori school. You can be my friend or hers but not both. The passive aggression that I witnessed among female students was shocking to me.
Fast forward 2 years and my DD is now in a public school and she has a group of friends that do not partake in that type of shenanigans.
I am curious how you know that this continues into public HS. And moreover, how do you extend this belief to all public high schools because this in not the case at our public elementary or Are we the exception?
And how do you know BS don’t have similar problems? How did they become the Utopia? Personally – I think mean girls exist everywhere. even – wait for it – BS – (the crowd gasps)
http://www.nbcconnecticut.com/news/local/Student-at-Elite-Boarding-School-Files-Lawsuit—.html
http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2010/11/22/choate-rosamary-halls-facebook-scandal-cyber-bullying.html
SculptorDad, I wish your daughter luck on March 10th. If she receives acceptances, please make every effort to attend revisit days.
For girls, the social environment can vary from year to year. It’s not predictable. All schools try to enroll kind children. Every once in a while, the chemistry in a grade can be “off”. You can usually detect it by the sudden outflow of students (usually girls) from one grade in the following year.
Schools do monitor such things closely, and they all try to create good social environments. Nevertheless, I wouldn’t assume the social environment is better.
You’re more likely to hear about social problems at local day schools (public and private), because there are more people with children in those schools.
The ability to decline to reenroll a child can make children and parents behave better than they otherwise would. But that’s true of any private school.
@laenen . Agreed. Naive to think that the mean girls shenanigans and otherwise do not occur in BS
@laenen, ^You can be my friend or hers but not both. ^
It’s not as innocent as we can imagine. According to my wife who volunteered a lot and witnessed, the girl was manipulating other kids to isolate one girl, and changed her target when dd refused.
^how you know that this continues into public HS.^
I have been actively engaged in parenting communities, and also studied social within schools from articles and books like “Queen Bees and Wannabes.”
^And how do you know BS don’t have similar problems? How did they become the Utopia? ^
I have talked with enough people who experienced both LPS, DS and BS, and ultimately came to conclude that BS has much less of similar problem. There must be mean girls and and dd can handle them, unless there are enough of them to damage the whole culture.
There are mean girls everywhere… yes, even at BS. Sometimes the interactions can be more intense, because these kids are together 24/7. There’s no going home after classes to get a little distance (unless you’re a day student). My kid had been bullied (by girls) in middle school and when I first suggested adding a few all-girls schools to the BS list, she thought I’d lost my mind. But the school she liked most in the end was an all-girls! It is not a sunshine and roses 24/7 sleepover party with best friends. There are all kinds of ups and downs. But part of this experience is learning how to navigate those challenges, in the school community, and work through those difficulties. I do think that the absence of boys makes it a bit easier for the girls to get along and respect/support one another. There seems to be less competition; nobody is dressing to impress or gossiping about who’s dating who.
@Periwinkle & @Center,
I think and hope that the social environment is better at BS, but I would be naive that there won’t be mean girls.
Also the harder thing for dd is too much childishness (with lack of moral compass.) With all the selections and interviews, I hope BS admins could sort them out, if they couldn’t detect meanness.
Also I am hoping that BS would be different from private DS, as the boarding part will work in good ways: they get less daily parental pressure that induce them to act overly competitive and mean, and have better chance to get more deeply connected to each other and see other students more of friends than of opponents.
It’s not that I know for certain or religiously believe that BS will work. But all the researches convinced me that this is worthwhile to try. If it doesn’t she can return to homeschooling.
I think that being separated from parents’ checkbooks can be positive. Certainly, the public middle school my children attended had more in the way of brand awareness–I never want to enter another Hollister or Abercrombie & Fitch store. And yes, I have come to accept that much of the girl meanness was managed behind the scenes by a few mothers.
On the other hand, at prep schools kids often dress as if they just stepped out of a J. Crew catalog. Girls do borrow clothing, but it’s not that it’s a paradise. They’re still teenagers. And if there’s a crisis, you are not at home.
There are mean girls everywhere and nice girls everywhere too. An excellent book on the topic of girl bullying is Rachel Simmons’ Odd Girl Out.
One major difference I see between boarding schools and public schools is that at boarding schools the teachers have so many more touch points with the kids. It becomes pretty much impossible to stay blind to what’s happening socially.
My daughter’s advisor was also her biology teacher and crew coach. Her former advisor, who also taught and coached her, would take kids out for fro-yo when she wanted to catch up with them. Her dorm parents knew her and her friends. Even her teachers’ spouses would notice if something seemed off. These teachers lived with the kids 24/7.
BS can be an intense environment for some kids, but IME the kids have a lot of support in negotiating conflicts.
^ I have come to accept that much of the girl meanness was managed behind the scenes by a few mothers.^
This is why BS could work better than DS.
Also, kids won’t be constantly be judged and compared to other kids by the parents.
@Periwinkle, if you know more, can you please educate me more about how Hollister and Abercrombie affect school social? I know somewhat of the weight issue. But I am naive because mine hadn’t have eating issue. She has bottom 3% BMI in her age, and has a few Abercrombie t-shirts because it’s easier to find fitting in the store.
There are mean and nice and indifferent kids/people everywhere. Some are proactively “evil” and others are dismissive or arrogant or XYZ. Our experience is that there is very little different from public school. Assuming a fairly well off population with competitive parents and student body. Our experience with BS/PS schools is that the very very wealthy simply ignore you. In general, their kids simply ignore the kids that are not acceptable playmates or friends. The worst --kids and parents–are the next bunch. Pretty wealthy but no planes. Two homes not 5. Those are the most competitive and their kids tended to be the nastiest in our experience. Then there is everyone else. Its the world ad boarding school is no different. Yes there are more touchpoints but on the other hand the faculty and school personnel dont want to be negotiating and brokering teenage relationships. Unless something is BAD then tend not to get involved.
@SculptorDad, Hollister and Abercrombie affected the school environment because (at the time) they were expensive brands. Some girls had extensive wardrobes. There was also a fair amount of teasing/bullying of kids whose parents wouldn’t shell out for the “in” brands.
A dress code goes a long way to limiting such behavior. Most private schools do have dress codes, although they vary in their severity. Also knowing that advisors will be writing recommendations for college help keep things reasonably civil, usually.
There are public schools in our area in which students drive brand new SUVs. Which I know because a newspaper article once mentioned a confrontation caused by one student car bumping another. Also, teachers will complain in the newspaper about students driving nicer cars than they do.
Now, at boarding school, there will be girls with wardrobes from designers, which is a different level of wealth. But there isn’t much space in boarding school closets, and all the clothes are either laundered by E&R, or by total laundry neophytes.
In our experience, faculty do keep an eye on students. Also, not only does your child have an advisor, all the other children have advisors.
I was a nerd subject to daily bullying by the popular girls and in fact, most of my friends were nerdy boys … but I can attest that life is the great equalizer!
Thank you @Sue22, I just got the book you referenced above – there are benefits of having an office in a library!
@SculptorDad “It’s not as innocent as we can imagine.”
I know exactly how mean it was. We literally had the exact same issue and in our case it went on for 2 years. For my child this occurred at a Montessori should that had a 7:1 ratio. The worse part was they were not aware. Don’t be surprised that in a BS that they don’t see it either. Over years, mean girls know how to keep their behavior below the radar.
Human behavior being human behavior. I would doubt heavily that there is any more of less meanness at BS.
BTW – The mean thing resurfaced for my daughter at sleep away camp. It was a 1000x worse because she couldn’t get away from the group. This time the cabin leader saw it but there really wasn’t much they could do about it. It was a long 2 weeks.
Can I throw it out there? Boys do NOT have this issue! It is insane how little girls tear at each other. Is this the grooming that is necessary to become PTO President? The fact that there is a recognizable phrase like mean girls and there isn’t one for boys says a lot.