<p>Although I agree these comments are inexcusable coming from counselors and professionals including teachers and principals, I think their feeling that they “don’t rate” in our eyes is what they interpret when we tell them our child is choosing to go elsewhere. It’s a natural feeling when you’re working as hard as you can to make a difference in the lives of young people. It makes them feel like we are saying, “you’re not good enough,” because we choose to go elsewhere to “something better.”</p>
<p>It was awkward when my son’s principal told me that plenty of kids who applied and had “other opportunities” had decided in the end to stay at X high school locally, giving me the impression that I was somehow an “ingrate,” and that these other parents understood what a great opportunity it was just to stay put.</p>
<p>I immediately sensed his fear of unimportance and I thanked him for the great education my son had received up to this point and for his and his staff’s dedication. I said no matter where DS chose to go, he has been part of a community of learning and caring and for that I was grateful and that for the love of learning that had been instilled in him by both his family and teachers he would do well wherever he went in life, including staying put if in the end he did or decided BS was not for him and wanted to come back.</p>
<p>I can see it from their vantage point and some more than others are better at keeping their feelings of inadequacy or problems with PS funding to themselves for better or worse.</p>
<p>My D is the one who asked to go to BS four years ago. She is a third year at a BS now and loves it. We live in a rural NE state, and in a small town. Some friends said to her, “we always thought she was a good girl”, meaning that only “bad girls” were sent to BS. I had to laugh at that one. The local PS showed “The Prince of Egypt” in 11th grade as part of a course in ancient Egyptian history. Need I say more. PS here are passable at K - 8 and truly questionable in HS, where the dropout rate is very high.</p>
<p>Even the private HS is just okay. Many of our friends do now send their children to BS because they too feel the local options just aren’t options. My S is going away to BS as well next year. We’ll miss him but, as has been aptly said here before, “it’s not about us”.</p>
<p>We do still get comments from some parents/friends about our choice. I am quite certain the negative comments stem from a disquiet on their parts; a disquiet which stems from their own feeling that the PS is in fact inadequate to their children’s educational needs.<br>
There will always be a few children who do very well in the PS environment (one local boy, a child of a friend went to the HS locally and was accepted to Princeton and Dartmouth). But these kids are a very small minority, and usually very exceptional to begin with. I agree with you all… BS broadens horizons, broadens the scope of social contacts and interactions, increases the comfort and ease with which a child deals with diversity, and overall increases maturity and coping skills. These are huge advantages.</p>
<p>@dodgersmom, along that same vein of “no good deed goes unpunished…” check out the result of Mark Zuckerburg’s donation to the Newark public school system:</p>
<p>I think at some point we’re all sensitive to the needs of public school teachers who are stuck in situations where they can’t cherry pick their students, nor innovate due to rigid (and often ineffective curriculums). But they chose that field and a little class would be nice.</p>
<p>There is no way to hide a decision to go to boarding school because of the recommendations and other prep work required. But my D was pretty humble about it.</p>
<p>So her reponse to the constant derision was appropriate given she’d let it go without comments for several months. In contrast to the teachers who were rude, her other teachers email her occasionally to see how she’s doing and cheer her on. A district rep wants to review her school’s grade letter format to see if it can be adopted by the city as a whole. The district college counseling office is starting to pay attention that “aiming for regional and state schools” was leaving their student unprepared for nationally ranked schools. And when she returns to school to visit during breaks, those teachers with empathy embrace her as if she’s still one of the family.</p>
<p>I get some “adults” feel hurt by the decision of a top scoring student to leave - but again - to call students out repeatedly with rude comments in front of peers (because of their own insecurities) is inexcusable. I thought my daughter handled herself beautifully and the comments stopped when it was clear she couldn’t be ruffled or swayed to remain behind.</p>
<p>If I had a dollar for every time another parent asked me “how could you send your child away from home?” (or the similar “I could never send my child away”) over the past 5 years (2 kids in BS) I could pay for a years’ tuition. My pat response is something along the lines of “I’m doing it for them…it would be selfish of me to hold them back here since this is something that they really want. I miss them, but it would be selfish of me to keep them here for my benefit.” All true, too.</p>
<p>I agree with the above sentiment! When I mention we are looking into boarding school, it is as though other parents get “angry” and distant. What the heck?</p>
<p>I don’t try to justify our decision any more to the rude teachers. At a recent district meeting, I did show them the mid-semester report that we received from the bs. It was 5 pages and very descriptive.
I get more information about my d’s progress from a school 400 miles away than I do from the local H.S. 5 miles away. Between the reports, emails and personal phone calls, I hear more from my d’s boarding school in a semester, than I did in 3 years at the local school system.</p>
<p>Deep down, parents know something is wrong & that something must be done. However, they are frightened. </p>
<p>When you present an option, a choice to move towards a solution, there is an intrinsic freeze that prevents movement. </p>
<p>Have you seen the movie where people are stuck in an elevator is that is halfway between floors & is about to plummet to their doom; someone opens the door partially & scrambles out. She/he turns to help pull out someone else. The remaining person knows that they will soon fall & therefore die, but they are rooted to the far wall of the elevator and just can’t take the steps they need to save their own life. It’s a risk: walking may cause the cable to break, they may get caught in the half-way position and crushed by the elevator if it falls before they get out. However, staying in the elevator is certain death. </p>
<p>I think other reasons for the disdain are 1) BS is widely perceived to be only for the rich and 2) even if you are aware of financial aid options, if your child is not a top performer this is not an option. So even though most of us here understand that it is a viable option for more than just the super rich it is still not available to most. While BS may be more than most families want, school cutbacks mean that the gap between private and public, like the gap between the haves and have nots in general, continues to grow.</p>
<p>Many boarding school students come from excellent public school districts with great facilities and great college outcomes (despite budget challenges). That’s certainly true at Phillips Academy Andover (kids from Weston, Lexington, Weston, Brookline, Wellesley, Needham, Newton, other top Massachusetts districts). We are in a really good school district, but I haven’t had any nastiness from people, just interest and the occasional “I couldn’t do that!” which I can relate to, because I can barely believe I do it myself. Maybe our choice doesn’t threaten anyone because they have their own good option at home.</p>
<p>Our family relocated to a new neighborhood last year so S remains the kid they rarely see. I’ve had a few discussions with some neighbors and I have gotten the distinct feeling they secretly conclude the boarding/prep-school line is a convenient family story to account for his absences, when in reality he’s away, against his will, at some trouble-teen boot camp. Kind of like the teen girls in the 50s who went to live with their “aunts” before their abdomens protruded beyond the confines of their A-line poodle skirts.</p>
<p>Lemonade1: I know there are some good school districts left in the east, but I also know that there is denial in many places. We live in one of, if not the best, school district in our western state. Yet the decline – even here – is obvious. Even still, several of my (former) friends have defiantly held that our schools are still “excellent” even with class sizes over 50, waitlists for honors classes and fewer college acceptances beyond the local region. A surgeon we worked with said to us recently “I moved here 20 years ago and was lucky to get my kids through high school before the schools really deteriorated.” I see parents who are very defensive about our schools, even in the face of evidence of decline. I see it as symptomatic of a feeling of powerlessness, and I attribute some of the hostile comments we’ve had about BS to that fear.</p>
<p>To counterbalance this thread, before we sent D to BS we heard a lot of “how can you do that. She’s so young. . . . college is just around the corner . . . etc.” Well, BS has been stressful for D, and while she is getting a lot out of it and is beign successful by the usual measurements, I now better understand those who said she was too young and life it too short to send them out the door so early. She’s our oldest and two younger siblings will be staying home for high school, regardless. There are trade offs to be sure, but on balance, there is something to be said about having your kids be able to be your kids until they are more fully formed.</p>
<p>I totally respect that, erlanger, but the shocking thing is not that people aren’t savvy to the wonderful magical world of boarding schools. The part that annoyed me was the, um, candor with which people reacted. I still marvel at how freely their views on the matter – and on my child’s education – were offered up to contradict such an important parenting decision. It wasn’t good enough for them to bite their lips and feel smug in the belief that they were being better parents. They apparently came to the conclusion that our choices were so patently awful and outrageous they were duty-bound and compelled in the name of good parenting to register their dissent for the record. And this occurred with strangers as well as long-time friends! I don’t think I could produce a more heartfelt unabashed reaction from people if I said that I give my kids a shot of tequila each school night so they can get a solid night’s sleep. (Yes, I am making that up.)</p>
<p>I now keep the “C is attening BS” information <em>confidential</em> unless there is clear need to disclose it. I wouldn’t lie about it, but I try to give “yes”/“no” answers to school related questions and rarely would someone ask “Is your child going to a boarding school”? So I am good, most of the time.</p>
<p>I wish it were different on this side of the equation, but I face the same negativity as a teacher. Over the years, every time I’ve been in professional development with a mix of public and private school teachers, I’ve been told again and again that I’m teaching kids who don’t even need me and that “real teachers” stick it out in failing school districts and help the “real kids” who don’t have money. I’ve been called an elitist and a sell-out, and told that I’m abandoning kids who need me in order to be a servant for the wealthy. It gets rough. I can sort of justify working in private schools because my subject area was cut from most public schools a long time ago (although again, I’ve been told I should leave my field and just teach a semi-related subject for which there is a great need). I’ve always thought that the lashing out comes from our cultural inability to address issues of money and social class. I come from a blue-collar family myself, and I’ll confess that I still feel uncomfortable around and intimidated by wealthy parents because I secretly worry that in spite of all my elite college and post-grad education, they’ll see I’ve still got the patina of Wal-Mart on me. Fortunately 85% of the parents I’ve known have been great, caring, smart folks. So I still worry when meeting new parents, but kids are kids, and they ALL need and deserve good teachers. </p>
<p>The insecurities about what it means to have money (or not) in this country run deep. The promise of America is that we’re all equal and we all have the same shot to succeed. But the practice falls short of that promise again and again, and people lash out. Best of luck and strength of resolve to all of you who are having to put up with hurtful remarks.</p>