Yes, but Dusty goes incognito when she posts on CC. 
Some people here are pretty harsh. Obviously the roommate isn’t an experienced negotiator so her opening gambit was clumsy and a bit strong. I would assume she’s simply stating her ideal situation. If Dustypig’s daughter doesn’t want to do everything on the list, that’s fine. The two can go through the list and anything Dustypig’s daughter would like to add.
fwiw, cleaning the sink and mirror once a week isn’t a big deal. I’m not a neatnik but I like a clean surface and organized desk for an hour or so once a week.
I’ve warned my D that she needs to start trying to be a little less of a slob if she plans on sharing a dorm room with someone. My take on roommates requests:
- making her bed every day<<<< Nobody's business
- straightening up everything every day<<<<< define everything....any shared space (especially the floor) is reasonable, things like your desk, your closet, etc. is nobody's business
- do a "deep cleaning" weekly of windows<<<<<no way , mirrors,<<<<<reasonable if shared sink (they have a sink in their room),<<<<<<<absolutely necessary! medicine cabinet,<<<<<<<clean when messy, take turns, doubt it would need to be weekly desks<<<<<<<<Nobody's business
- vacuum once a week<<<<<<<reasonable, if the floors are kept clear this is a 1 minute job
- wash sheets once a week<<<<<<<<nobody's business
A note about making the bed and washing sheets and other people sitting on a roommates bed: I would, in return, request that no one sits on my bed. I think that’s rude. Pull over the desk chairs and/or sit on your own bed…that’s room for at least 4 guests. If you have more people than that, take it to a common area.
Honestly, having your kid make her bed and keep things somewhat straighten up doesn’t sound like the end of the world. Dorm rooms are really really small. It feels considerate to do so and not a big deal for your daughter.
On the larger issue of the “deep cleaning” I’d leave that to the other girl.
I think they both need to manage expectations. Living with a new person in close quarters is a learning experience for these freshmen. They both need to be considerate of each other. It shouldn’t matter to the roomie if your D doesn’t change her sheets weekly. That sounds OCD to me. And cleaning windows? Probably not gonna happen. But keeping her bed made is a cinch. The beauty of comforters is that you can just “throw and go” in a matter of seconds. And it’s just as easy to throw clothes in the hamper/basket as it is to leave them in a pile on the floor. It’s all about give and take IMHO.
My older D is a neat and clean roommate, but her roomie last years was not so much. It is what it is.
My youngest D was assigned a single. Lucky her!
Want to deep clean every week . . . join the Navy :))
The ironic thing is that I had been thinking I should talk to D about having an agreement with her roommate about taking turns cleaning the sink. Guess that won’t be necessary!
I also agree with @twoinanddone that there are worse problems to have in a roommate. D would definitely prefer a neat freak roommate to a total pig who would leave food everywhere and get their room infested with bugs. Or a roommate who borrowed her stuff. (Though I suppose that could still happen.)
Her roommate is not nuts; she just needs a clean environment. I think these expectations are pretty normal when one is from a clean home, as a matter of fact. Vacuuming, cleaning the sink weekly, changing sheets and making beds are all normal. Living with a slob who never made the bed, nor put clothes away and left stuff on the floor would have me moving out. I just cannot function in such a sloppy environment (yes, I had my own apartment during college and grad school!).
Maybe this will be good for your daughter and her future husband/family. Geez, my teens/young adults make their beds every day, change their sheets weekly, and leave nothing on the floor, though that deep cleaning thing doesn’t always happen, without prodding. I trained them from a very young age to just clean up as they go along.
I think the roommate sounds great, and my kids could do that easily (though one would have to pay attention more than the others, as that one is more relaxed by nature).
I don’t think this is that bad. I had a roommate once that told me upfront that it really bothered her to see everyone’s junk all over the counters–she didn’t care how messy the drawers were, but could we please use them? I laughed because I didn’t have an issue with the counters having stuff on them but dirty, junky drawers drive me nuts! We both compromised and did our best on keeping off each others nerves.
We also toured one school where the poor guide told us she was the ONLY one out of 4 who was willing to clean their suite bathroom, and she got stuck with it every week because she was the only one who couldn’t live with it. This is unfair to that poor girl. Once a month to clean your own bathroom on a rotation is not too much to ask. Letting one person do it all for the entire year because they are the only one with discipline and standards is just rude and awful.
A clean room might be a good habit to start. The roommate can do it one week and your daughter the next week. Your daughter’s sheets are her own business, as is her desk, her closet, and her drawers, but anything in commonly used areas like the sink, the microwave, the windowsill, etc., should be kept nice out of common courtesy. It takes about one minute to clean a window. Not a big deal. This is just an area I’d give in for the common good.
Tell your daughter to tell her roommate that she is a slob, learn to deal with it since she is in college. Draw a imaginary line and if the mess cross over to her side then that’s when there is a problem.
I’m a pig too but my cat or husband is more tolerant of me. When he couldn’t any longer, there is Dyson. His best friend recommended this type of vacuum and the inventor is British.
It’s not so much what she wants done (deep cleaning?) but the freakish control OCD.
@dustypig my issue would be what will Felix Unger want next?
My kids all thought I was a super control freak/neatnik/borderline OCD when it came to cleanliness at home sure learned quickly when they got to college. One of my kids (messy room at home, hated to be told to clean up) had a true slob for a roommate one year. Eating in the bathroom, half-eaten bowls of cereal stacked up next to the bed, gobs of long hair everywhere and used tissues thrown on the floor.
Kid survived, but I never heard much complaining about my OCD after that. Most kids come to some sort of compromise, and the kids who love a clean space typically learn to live with a little disorder and mess, and the kids who never change their sheets learn that a clean bed is actually kind of nice.
Amen, DrGoogle!
I cringed when I saw my son’s room, but it was none of my business and roommates didn’t seem to care (especially his apt mates later). This roommate needs to learn she does not control the space. I would prefer neat and tidy- one of my childhood frustrations was my sister’s stuff taking over my half of the dresser top. Tough luck- no one should be using their roommate’s bed for seating. I once had to put up with a dorm roommate who plastered tons of posters on her side of the room- yuck (especially that centerfold of hairy Burt Reynolds).
Demands get met with refusal. Asking if things could be done, ie negotiating, may get somewhere. Roommate has some lessons to learn. Bravo to your D, OP.
Oh, the memories this thread brings up. Keeps me from wanting to return to college life.
The daughter said her roommate “asked” her to do these things.
The mom framed them as demands.
My guess is the actual request was someplace in the middle.
Regardless…the roommates will work it out…or not. But sounds like the daughter is willing to give it the old college try.
The sink thing I get. Nobody likes to look at other people’s toothpaste and hair. The good thing is that it literally takes 5 seconds to take a paper towel or washcloth and wipe it out. Sure the roommate should have been more diplomatic. I wonder if her mother gave her a bit too much “advice” about dealing with roommates.
Well, if not making my bed is piggish, then OINK OINK.
I didn’t know a single person in my dorm building who made his or her bed.
My son miraculously got matched with a guy as messy as he is–at least it appeared so the one time I saw their room. They chose to room together sophomore year too. Their suite bathroom gets cleaned weekly which is a nice perk.
Requesting a weekly sink cleaning is entirely reasonable. The mirror less so but it’s easy enough to do while you’re cleaning the sink. The bed being made is really not the roommate’s business but it’s easy enough to toss a comforter over the bed and it does make everything look a whole lot neater. So that’s pribablly a nice thing to agree to. Sheet changing–not the roommates business.
Windows? I never cleaned a dorm window in my life.
As for tidying and straightening there’s a continuum. It’s reasonable to prefer not to have stuff all over the floor. But if the less neat roommate doesn’t bother to fold laundry and instead keeps it in a basket that isn’t in your roommate’s way, well, I’d say neat roommate should learn to deal. Same with papers scattered on the desk, etc. If messy person wants to do some of the extra tidying tasks for the sake of roommate harmony that’s cool. But I don’t think demanding that your roommate keep her desk as tidy as you prefer yours is reasonable.
I don’t think this is freakishly controlling. I think the roommate is trying to communicate and the first week of living together is a reasonable time to do so. The words “deep cleaning” --they could have originated anywhere, with the roommate, with the daughter, or with DustyPig. Deep cleaning actually means (to me) pulling all the furniture out, mopping corners, turning stuff upside down to vacuum the back, getting the baseboards, the ceiling fans, etc. What this girl is asking for is BASIC cleaning, once a week, which is reasonable if you don’t want to have dust and dirt in your space. If your daughter likes to live out of a laundry basket, fine, just keep it in the closet or under the bed like I did. I would guess that the actual cleaning as described (sink, window, mirror, vacuuming, wipe off desk and ignore the sheets request) will take less than 15 minutes if done once a week.
The only things on that list that’s unreasonable to me is the deep cleaning of windows – whatever that means – and mandating that the roommate needs to wash her sheets once a week. It’s not like the roommate will have cooties that will migrate to the bed across the room!
The making of the bed – well, I’m one of these people who can tolerate an untidy room, but who hates unmade beds.
In my freshman year, I told my roommate that I was fine with her not making her bed, but not to be shocked if I did it for her. Since “making the bed” only involved pulling the comforter over the pillow, she quickly learned to do it too.
It takes 3 seconds and it instantly makes the room look under control - even when it isn’t.
Just to clarify, the “deep cleaning” appeared in my daughter’s text (yes, in quotes) and I’m pretty sure she’s never used that term in her life, so I’m guessing it came from roommate.
It’s interesting to hear everyone’s perspectives.