Even though this is phrased as “asking”, the types of requests and manner in which such asking was done is such it comes across loud and clear as demands…and some go beyond reasonable as they breach reasonable boundaries(1, 2, 4).
Whether one makes one’s bed, straightens up his/her side of the room, or washes one’s sheets less frequently than once a week(only exception is if it actually does start to smell) is none of a roommate’s damned business!!!
Even if the request is reasonable it sets a bad precedent for future roommate interactions if D doesn’t nip the dictatorial and boundary breeching manner of said roommate in the bud by putting her on notice such a communication style is UNACCEPTABLE.
One older college classmate didn’t learn this lesson as an undergrad unfortunately and ended up having serious issues in the workplace(getting fired for antagonizing others/being demanding/argumentative) and grad school. With the latter, while the Prof conceded his point was correct and sound, the tone and manner in which he communicated it was so antagonizing and disrespectful it violated university rules on treating other members of the university community with respect and civility.
In short, while a few of the roommate’s “requests” may be reasonable, other types of requests and the manne/tone in which they were communicated is certainly not and would rub me and most college-aged students…especially young males the wrong way.
Some of us may take such umbrage at the type of requests and manner/tone that we may actually end up doing the exact opposite of what said demanding roommate “requested” to hint that manner/tone of communicating is unacceptable and won’t get what he/she wants. There’s also a school of thought that one shouldn’t reward such manner/tone of communicating by going along with such demands and that doing so would be as an older neighbor puts it “pulling a Neville Chamberlain”.
Same here. A retort would be along the lines of “Who died and made you the dad/mom/dictator of our room?!!”
And there would have been an added insult to injury in my case as few students at my or many other private colleges are going through college without any parental tuition/expense assistance and paying part of the tuition directly from his summer/part-time earnings as I did.
I’d probably add I may consider accommodating such requests provided said roommate/his parents wanted to take care of the portion of tuition/dorm/fees I was paying myself.
Set example and the roommate will follow. I mean the roommate. If you are neat, maybe your future roommate will follow.
That said my SIL was telling my sister that her daughter was a slop at home but in medical school she kept her room so nice and neat that it surprised my SIL.
D1’s boyfriend had a roommate freshman year who did. not. do. his. laundry. For months. Finally bf couldn’t stand it any more and suggested one evening that they do laundry and hang out to play cards while it was running. That became their ritual every couple of weeks for the rest of the year. Don’t know that the roommate ever caught on to the reason for these regular card games
The roommate is really bossy (as many have assumed) and “laying down the law” from the beginning without even knowing what the OP’s D was like
or
During the required “roommate agreement” discussion where they decide on what rules they are going to live by the roommate brought up these issues.
I would love to have been a fly on that wall to know just how the roommate brought up these things. My first reaction was like the OP…this person is nuts (especially because the D is stressed about it), but after thinking about it I could see that maybe the roommate simply stated some preferences. Maybe it’s not so bad after all.
I do think the window cleaning and dictating how often she changes her sheets is a bit much regardless of how it’s presented…And depending on the definition of “deep cleaning” that could be a bit much as well.
Negotiating ahead that the shared, in-room sink will be cleaned weekly is not OCD (and I’m not a neatnik). Most people will say to have some agreements before issues arise. If the roomie gets out a toothbrush to scrub the fixtures I would change my view but basic cleanliness isn’t “nuts” or “crazy”.
I agree, Saintfan, but deep cleaning, whatever the definition, of the windows, medicine cabinet and desks seems pretty over the top. Deep cleaning to me does mean scrubbing down-more than straightening things out and wiping them down. Although I remain curious about how one “deep cleans” a desk. At least one can scrub windows and cabinets.
“deep cleaning” to me is cleaning the oven, getting on a chair and wiping the top of the fridge, and scrubbing the baseboards. I can’t imagine the roomie expects that kind of detail or that it would be needed. She may have just used that term but not meant it how a suburban home maker might mean it. My neighbor (a much better house keeper than I ever was) had a schedule every day to clean while her boys were at school. She would be in there with a bleach bucket and yellow rubber gloves scrubbing down the fronts of the kitchen cabinets on a regular basis. Granted, she had 3 little boys who were up to things more often than not but she also ironed t-shirts. If it comes to that maybe some compromise is in order but for now I bet some clorox wipes and throwing the duvet quickly over the bed will be fine.
Those roomie surveys are unfortunately not always super accurate. Questions like “are you messy or neat?” are so decisive- even a “somewhere in the middle” option is a huge and vague range. I know personally I fall somewhere in between- I can’t deal with things being DIRTY, but I can handle things being untidy or cluttered for a little (I typically clean my dorm on Sundays, vacuuming and cleaning, and then straighten up throughout the week as needed). So to some I might be neat, and to others I might be messy. It’s so hard to tell.
On that note too, I think some messy people are afraid to say if they’re messy. Very few slobs I know would want to live in someone ELSE’s mess, and so they elected “both” or “neat” on their survey. Grr.
I like questions suggested earlier like “how often do you change your sheets, vacuum, organize, do you make your bed”, etc.
Also: I didn’t know sheets were to be changed that often? Yikes
I hope the OP comes back once his D tells how it got resolved. The initial story did not sound like the roommates had discussion about how they should keep the room, but rather a list of rules about what D was expected to do. This kid is used to having things pristine and assumes that’s how everyone should do things.Most 18 yo kids don’t discuss “deep cleaning” as a typical weekly thing. I wonder if she grew up with housekeepers?
I personally think that making agreements with others is a great way to develop good habits that you WANT to keep up (but might not otherwise do in the absence of an agreement). See, eg, Gretchen Rubin’s new book on habits. So while your daughter may be stressed out about whether she will be able to live up to her agreement, it may be just the catalyst she needs to turn over a much desired new leaf.
It’s like agreeing to exercise with a partner; you may grouse to others about having to wake up at 5:45 because of some godforsaken promise you made to a neighbor to be her exercise partner, but in reality the agreement helps you to live up to a change in habit that you yourself desire.
Look on the bright side - nothing could be worse than the stories in the dorm life phobia thread: complete with the student who could only **poop in a box /b!
No, @prezbucky, there is no indication that the roommate has shown anything other than an awkwardly expressed desire for neatness in her shared room. Some posters are using the term OCD as though it is a character flaw.
I didn’t get the impression that the parents were involved. Especially after reading the OPs follow up posts, it sound like the D vented a bit and now we are all just talking amongst ourselves and waiting to hear what they agree on.
Ah, the legendary box pooper! The bad roommate who made everyone look good in comparison.
I’ve been thinking more about the “deep cleaning” of the sink. Why would you wait all week to clean the sink if there’s a hair or a toothpaste blob in it? Wouldn’t you just wipe it out right then? Who wants to look at it for a week?
I’m now envisioning something like an old-time gas station bathroom, with slime encrusted around the faucets. Shudder.
