New to Boards...please read/critique my short essay

<p>Hello. I've recently decided to return to the classroom after 13 years to obtain a BA in Music. There are two short essay questions on my application, and I'd like some critique on one of the answers.</p>

<p>Thanks in advance!</p>

<p>The University values an educational environment that provides all members of the campus community with opportunities to grow and develop intellectually, personally, culturally and socially. In order to give us a more complete picture of you as an individual, please tell us about the particular life experiences, perspectives, talents, commitments and/or interests you will bring to our campus. In other words, how will your presence enrich our community?** </p>

<p>Growing up with a schizophrenic sibling was challenging at best, downright miserable at its worst. Throw an alcoholic father and a narcissistic mother into the mix, and you have all the makings of a must-see, made-for-TV movie. Whether it was due to divine intervention or just sheer luck, I managed to escape this Tennessee Williams-like atmosphere relatively unscathed. What I gained from the experience set the precedence of my adulthood.*
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One of my abilities is that I tend to see the best in people. I think this is from seeing my sister, trapped in the hell that is mental illness, still able to help those who are much worse off than she. It’s also from my father, who I would steer clear of after a night of drinking, but was able to instill in me a passion for music. And from my mother, wrapped up in her own woes, but making sure that I knew the<em>importance of sharing time and talents at church, at school, in life.</em>
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Another ability is patience. As a mother, the need for this is first and foremost. Children tend to reverse their decisions at the drop of a hat, melt down over the tiniest change (“But I like my sandwiches cut into triangles!”), and my patience from dealing with my parents and sister allowed me to deal with these incidents in an unperturbed way.*
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A third ability that I feel will impact the campus is my creativity. Finding different ways to look at the big picture, solve problems and resolve conflicts. Using this talent in the classroom will allow me to become a successful student.*
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Finally, being an adult student returning to the classroom after a fourteen-year hiatus, will have a positive impact on campus life. Non-traditional students offer a leadership quality among the student body I hope younger students look up to.*</p>

<p>It’s very organized, but it’s a little too organized which disrupts the flow. Starting each paragraph with “one of my abilities”, “another ability”, and a “third ability” doesn’t show the level of sophistication expected of a college student. Get a little more creative with your topic sentences.</p>

<p>Thank you!</p>