<p>Sorry, I prefer not to say for the sake of confidentiality, but it’s a public math-and-science magnet school, for what that’s worth.</p>
<p>I guess it helps to have three kids - it seems like we’ve been in this school district forever. As a result, we know enough teachers (either as teachers or neighbors) that we feel comfortable asking them to confirm or deny rumors. They aren’t allowed to use anyone’s name, but I’d feel totally comfortable saying to a teacher buddy, “D came home with the idea that some boy is allowed to use the girls’ room…” I"ve done this kind of thing a few times and once or twice they have actually confirmed something I thought was made up…but mostly they laugh at what the kids come home with…</p>
<p>Although the OP’s son was provoked by bullying behavior, he’ll have to put it all in perspective at application time. From the Common App:
Hm. I read it otherwise - you came across, at least to me, as someone with an agenda of her own. Why not simply ask the question instead of posing it in such speculative terms? None of us has heard of gay students using opposite gender restrooms. So there’s your answer.
O-kay.</p>
<p>I, too, am sort of stunned by europegrad. When I was a student, being out in high school was almost unheard of. College was the first place that people could be out, and even then most gay men were barely out, if at all. And of course lots of people were just finding their sexual identities . . . and those sexual identities came in 52 flavors, not 2. So there was plenty of opportunity for confusion and mistake.</p>
<p>I, and most of the other straight men I know, was propositioned frankly several times, and flirted with more often, by other men. The outright propositions, in my case and in most others I knew of, were from friends, and (as often happens in a heterosexual context) the only question was “How can I turn this down gracefully without wrecking our relationship?” Flirting . . . that’s easy enough to deal with. You don’t flirt back. There’s no grounds, none, nada, zilch, for offense, complaints, whatever. Flirting among peers, or even asking someone out, isn’t sexual harassment. Filing a complaint against someone for doing that might be.</p>
<p>So, do you suppose Greg Louganis was ever bullied? Or used the girls’ restroom? ;)</p>
<p>The restroom thing sounds like a rumor to me. Many reasons this wouldn’t be allowed.
Anyone can put makeup on at home. </p>
<p>(BTW, in my S’s case, the principal wasn’t that impressed and gave the kids a lunch detention–eat lunch in the office-- for one day. The teacher called back the next day and apologized for over-reacting and complimented S, who is still in the class–things seem OK. Still, I wonder what the teacher said to the other parents. Does use of the word “black” make this a racial incident?–I told S to avoid ever using this word to avoid controversy. In making fun of someone’s looks does it matter if it’s his/her hair, ears, nose, teeth, eyes, skin, height, weight, clothes, tics–are all of these off limits, or only skin color?) </p>
<p>OP–Your S has a handicap. Your kid suffered teasing about his handicap AND a bloody nose (from a “friend,” some friend. . .I’d change schools to get away from friends like that)–Not at all the same thing as tossing a pencil bag after being cruelly teased and not injuring someone. I think the other guy was totally in the wrong and your son shouldn’t have gotten suspended.</p>
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<p>Lord knows it’s been a very long time since I flirted with anyone, but isn’t flirting just paying extra attention to someone, making eye contact, laughing extra hard at his jokes, making sure you stand next to him at a party? I’m amused at what a formal complaint for “flirting” would be: “Said Gay Man makes eye contact whenever he is around me. Yesterday I told a joke that wasn’t very funny and he laughed his head off. Last Saturday night we were at a party and he handed me a beer. Most appallingly, he told me he liked my sweater.”</p>
<p>quote: " you came across, at least to me, as someone with an agenda of her own"</p>
<p>That’s funny! I have no agenda. I have followed CC for the last four years and tossed the OP out to all of you because I appreciate the feedback from a cross section of the US. I have nothing to hide. If you care to read any or all of my posting history, you will see I don’t have an agenda. It’s not my style to stir the pot. Ask my husband - I am the posterchild for conflict avoider. : ) </p>
<p>I am well aware the damage that can and has been caused by rumors. My OP clearly stated “rumors”. I immediately warned my son that rumors are dangerous. Do I believe there is any truth to the rumors? NO WAY!!! </p>
<p>For crying out loud! I’m sorry I ruffled anyones feathers.</p>
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<p>OH MY GOD does this kind of thing ever get me going. Just deleted a bunch more comments. Gonna get myself in trouble.</p>
<p>“Does use of the word “black” make this a racial incident?”</p>
<p>That’s what the teacher said. My (white) kid googled “ugly black man” to get pictures to “tease” a black kid. If you didn’t know the rest of the story, this sounds sounds kinda bad.</p>
<p>(Not sure why it gets you going?)</p>
<p>OP, re your post #48: The following language in your first two posts led me to think that you were trying to provoke responses to an implied anti-gay agenda:
I am delighted to know that such a thing never entered your mind, and that there is “NO WAY” you would believe such obviously ridiculous and unfounded rumors. (“Opening a can of worms” is not usually an effective means of avoiding conflict, btw.) Wishing this thread had originally been posted in the Election and Politics Cafe, so I’d have missed it.</p>
<p>frazzled1 </p>
<p>I now see how you could have interpreted the OP. I still have NO AGENDA! When I typed, I started thinking of all the possible scenarios and did not slow down to read my tone. Again, I am sorry. NO AGENDA HERE.</p>
<p>This was actually a rather entertaining thread to read. I initially thought of the “different” in the thread title as meaning handicapped, not gay, obviously reflecting my experience with a handicapped kid, not a gay one! </p>
<p>I don’t care what any school says about “anti-bullying policies”, as a parent, you simply cannot assume that they will follow through. My blind D had a maybe 6 month long issue with a boy who as it came out later, peeked under her skirt on the bus, pretended bees were buzzing around her, constantly asked her how many fingers was he holding up, and such and so on, oh, and worst of all, actually kicked her cane away from her in the hall. The school would “talk” with the boy, make him apologize to her, have a conference with the parents, etc. That last incident was literally the straw that broke our back. We had to threaten to sue the school if they could not show us how they planned to protect our child from this constant harassment. It took that threat before they suspended the boy from the bus for the last 3 months of school, convinced the parents to get psychological counseling for the boy, and provided an aide to escort our D to classes. </p>
<p>People don’t “ask” to be picked on, they just appear to be easy targets for those who are looking to get their jollies by making them feel bad. As far as I’m concerned bullies have no rights at all.</p>
<p>Cool out, atomom. I wasn’t judging. I was just going to rant about how it makes me mad when people take offense when no offense was intended. It’s all good.</p>
<p>From my experience living in a very affluent, well educated community, bullying or mocking of kids with Tourettes, or who have learning disabilities or mental or psychological issues, is common and is tolerated in a way that racist or religious or sexist remarks would (and should) never be. Indeed, kids whose only offense is not dressing fashionably are often mocked to their faces (with girls being much nastier than boys, usually to other girls). I am–very sadly—not surprised that a blind child could be harassed without the school taking prompt action.</p>
<p>Momof3boyz, your son with Tourettes has my sympathy–and I do not think his actions deserved the same punishment as punching someone in the nose, even if your son had not been acting in response to bullying.</p>
<p>However, I have never heard of a school or workplace anywhere in the country permitting gay males to use female restrooms to put on makeup and suggest that such rumors should be checked out before they are repeated. These sorts of baseless rumors only inflame anti-gay feeling.<br>
Similarly, I am confident that a gay or lesbian student who harassed another student by repeatedly asking them out, etc would (and should) be subject to anti-sexual harassment policies–I have never heard of a “gay exemption” and antiharassment suits in such circumstances have succeeded.
I hired some openly gay or lesbian employees while working in very conservative corporations. People sometimes suggested I was taking a risk, or embarking on a crusade, but I simply hired the best applicants and they all were very good employees who were very successful because their fellow employees ignored their orientation and evaluated them on their work and personalities–which is the way I think things should be. Those companies had some significant issues with heterosexual employees of both sexes who acted improperly, but no gay or lesbian employee was ever the cause of any complaint (even unfounded ones).<br>
A worker with Tourettes might also need his fellow students and, later, employees, to ignore his difference from them and focus on what really matters. I like to think that America really is a place which practices tolerance of differences and respects others’ private lives as long as no one else is affected negatively. Sorry for the speech.</p>
<p>I’d like to comment on Atomom’s post 31. Let me say I agree with the teacher that it should have been looked into. But if I heard from both students separately that both thought of it as just joking around a friend, and if I believed them, I’d let it pass, other than cautioning them that someone not as close of friends might take offense. That applies to both on what might be considered teasing based on physical condition and teasing based on race.</p>
<p>However, I’d be remiss if I didn’t add that not all agree on the “it’s ok to tease” if “we tease us”.
We sometimes hear blacks use the N-word. Some consider that acceptable because it’s a black saying it, others feel no one should use it. Like many parents here, I am
old enough to remember “That ■■■■■■■■ Crazy” released in '74 and “Bicentennial ■■■■■■■ released in '77; both by Richard Pryor and both won a Grammy for best comedy album! I use the real names of the album because the real name is germain here. Could Don Rickles or Robin Williams used the same title with the same result? Without legal consequences? If one is permitted, should all be permitted?
Much controversy then and now over who could use the N-word(if anyone). Not to say your S used the N- word, but only to point out that opinions differ on who/how a person can be teased.</p>
<p>correction:</p>
<p>atomom’s post was post 30; not 31.
So, atomom, what was the actual punishment for your S and his friend?</p>
<p>Post #45 has the actual punishment–(lunch detention for both). I think the principal knows that this teacher sends a lot of kids to the office for minor issues. I was impressed that the teacher called back and admitted she over-reacted. (Wonder if the principal made her do it?)</p>
<p>mantori–re: taking offense when none was intended–my point, exactly.</p>
<p>atomom, the reason I deleted my rant was that I figured you had already made the point sufficiently, and I would just be grousing. :)</p>
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<p>This is reminding me of that Newsweek article on race/racism. Well meaning parents don’t ever even mention race, so kids get the idea that it’s a taboo topic when, in reality, race should be talked about. The boys teased each other using a few racial terms and they were punished. Perhaps that teaches them not to get so close to a person of another race that teasing comes naturally.</p>
<p>D is a drill team girl…the director tells them how to wear their hair for any given performance…sometimes she comes up with hairstyles that are pretty close to impossible for a couple of the African-American girls…and sometimes the hairstyles are pretty close to impossible for the Asian girls with stick-straight hair…and my own D’s hair gets huge on humid days…they gently tease each other about hair issues…it comes from being friends but still acknowledging differences…</p>
<p>My son’s circle of friends is fairly diverse, and I think it’s nice that they tease each other about many things, including racial differences, with nothing taken personally. His Indian friend calls himself “the brown man” and has a similar nickname for my son, and they joke about what their mixed kids would look like, how they do or don’t fit their respective racial stereotypes, etc. I believe it’s all part of exploring, and ultimately respecting, people’s differences.</p>
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Well meaning parents don’t ever even mention race, so kids get the idea that it’s a taboo topic when, in reality, race should be talked about.
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<p>Excellent point, and it applies to more than just race. Sex comes to mind. More race talk would lead to less racial tension, more sex talk to fewer teen pregnancies, more gay talk to less homophobia…there must be other examples as well.</p>