Tips for kids w/gay parents or gay kids re: bullying at school?

Parents Corner
1

<p>Hi, first post, please don't eat me! I'm 24, and a graduate student. 9 1/2 months ago, I married my wife (legally, we have same-sex marriage here). Her family lives several hours away, in Ohio. Still, we're really involved in our niece, A's, life. She is 5 1/2 and in all day kindergarten. A's family is quite poor and her mom and dad have several jobs, so we feel it's important to call a lot, Skype to read to her and manage homework, and get her things she needs as well as toys and gifts. </p>

<p>One day recently, A brought some presents we'd gotten her, to school. She mentioned that her aunts gave them to her and that she was glad her mother (who recently remarried) had gotten married "like Aunt K and Aunt G are." Kids are curious, so they asked about this. A few of her classmates must have mentioned this to older siblings in the school or something, because now some older children call her names, say that "God doesn't like your aunts" and similar, or say that she'll be gay because we are. Her class is better because they're so young, but they're still trading some insults, and a few kids are now refusing to play with her. A is really hurt by this.</p>

<p>I feel really bad, like this is my fault- but what did we do wrong, exist? I'm wondering if we can do anything about this, too- the teachers seem to be staying out of this, maybe because they want to seem neutral on "gay issues." Ohio doesn't have same-sex marriage, adoption, or employment protections, so AFAIK, there's no antibullying law that has sexual orientation as protected (and even if there were, A wouldn't be covered since she's not the one being considered "gay").</p>

<p>Normally, I would leave this to the parents, but her mom and dad are always scrambling for survival (they only make close to min wage), and her grandma who watches her a lot is pretty conservative. Would it be out of line to contact teacher(s) or the principal? A's parents would not mind, and as I'm actually studying law, I might be able to scare them into doing something (I know there's no standing for me to sue, but the school doesn't...)</p>

<p>This sort of thing also makes me really concerned for any kids my wife and I might have in a few years.</p>

<p>Feel free to also use this thread to talk about, if you have gay children or are same-sex parents, how you deal with their concerns and how the other kids treat them.</p>

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<p>I am assuming that you’ve already had discussions with your niece about your marriage (on a 6 yr old level, of course). My kids were raised in an extended “family” with several gay members, some of whom were in long-term relationships. We talked quite freely with our kids about different kinds of families and sexual orientation. We also taught them that “gay” was not an insult word, etc. We also let them know that some people were not comfortable with gay people and might actually say bad things about them. </p>

<p>My younger son is gay. When he came out (no surprise to anyone, I have to say) at 12, he endured some bullying at school from some former friends. We did contact the school since they had an anti-bullying policy. Counselors talked to son and talked to the other boys. This was pre-facebook so we didn’t have to worry about online bullying too much. The school was cooperative, but really the bullying just kind of faded away after awhile. Son was strong, had a great support network and was able to ignore most of it. </p>

<p>So, I would say that a phone call to the principal would be appropriate. But I wouldn’t get confrontational, at least not immediately. Work with the school to come up with solutions. And, definitely keep talking to your niece. Support at home will ultimately have a strong influence on how she deals with the bullies. </p>

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<p>You can contact the school, but I doubt the principal will discuss it with you. You have no standing and no right to answers. If you were acting as the child’s lawyer, then that’s different. I can’t just call my nephews’ school and start asking questions about them, about policies, about other students. It is unlikely you’d even be able to go to the school to present information. Usually people speaking at the school either have to pass a clearance (parents, volunteers) or be part of a commercial organization that would have insurance (girl scouts, psychologists, police safety officers).</p>

4

<p>We’re a two-mom family in the Midwest. Our DD’s school conflicts have primarily revolved around lack of dad (“but everyone has a dad!”), not presence of multiple moms. She’s actually had a couple of classmates with lesbian moms, although there was a dad in the picture for all of the kids. She’s gotten no anti-gay bullying that we’re aware of, and I know there’s been race-based bullying and some rude comments based on her lack of religion and some gender-based stuff, so it’s not that we’re oblivious to any kid meanness. She just has a lot of targets, and “has two moms” is not the low-hanging fruit.</p>

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<p>For what it’s worth, my 2 kids attend a large urban public school on the east coast…it’s full of same-sex parents and,if anything, its actually considered <em>cooler</em> than old-school parents. As my 17-year-old D said to me last year, “i wish i had two guys as parents. That would be so much better than this” (referring to her 2 stick-in-the-mud parents…that is, us). </p>

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<p>Sorry to hear this. You are doing something lovely for your niece and it is being twisted. I don’t have any great advice but if it makes you feel better my D’s friend has same-sex parents and it has not been an issue to anyone in the community as far as I can see. The girl is accepted, has friends, the moms come cheer at soccer games etc… We did know in advance about the family and tried to explain the situation to my D in a way where she would understand and be fine with the situation. When the time comes for you to have a family, I’d take care to try and find an open somewhat liberal community. </p>

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<p>I’m not talking about going to the school- four states away, I actually can’t, Christmas break aside. And I’m not seeking information- I can look up policies online, and A tells me what’s going on. And, I document everything. I just want to be able to tell A’s teacher/principal that this is a concern, and that she needs to be more protected, esp. considering her age. And then possibly hear if/what’s being done. After all, I do feel like this is mine and my wife’s fault.</p>

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<p>Is there a chance that you’ll be visiting Ohio soon and might be able to stop in at her classroom to help out? When my kids were in kindergarten, it seemed like the school could not function without parent helpers every day in some form or other. Maybe aunts would be welcomed, too, and the kids could see that you’re normal, good people. If it’s any consolation, this is sure to get better for her as she gets older. </p>

9

<p>This isn’t your fault in any way. All you have done is been a loving family to this child. </p>

<p>Her age is a time where you have a lot of influence. While no bullying at any age is good, the kind megpmom referred to- teen bullying- is especially serious since at that age, peers have a lot of influence. At age 5 1/2, families do. Also, bullying from older children is deliberate and cruel- because older kids usually think a bit longer before they speak. Kindergartners have no filters. One kid can call another one a poop, or a doo doo, ( the main theme of a 5 year old bad word vocabulary) and then run off to play like nothing happened. To them, teasing your niece may have no more meaning than it gets her attention and gives them some feeling of power. </p>

<p>Whatever is decided at the school level, and whether or not you decide this warrants intervention, you, your wife and her parents, have more influence than her peers, and you can do a lot to help her cope when people say mean things. You can teach her that mean words say more about the person who says them than her, that God (if you believe in God) loves everyone, and that if she grows up to be gay or straight, she’s going to be loved no matter what. If people say mean things about her aunties, she will see that you are kind and loving, and know it isn’t true. </p>

10

<p>Definitely not your fault. It’s not my fault that my spouse and I are atheists and our children have had some issues at school because of it.</p>

<p>If your niece were a bit older, I’d tell her to respond with, “I am sorry that you don’t believe in a loving god.”. Actually, my kids use that one too :)</p>

<p>The thing is, lawsuits are great and all, but arming a child to stand up to rude possibly bullying remarks will serve her better. There are comments that are not explicitly out of bounds, like calling a kid fat or stupid, where a retort without anger might be the best answer. And similarly if she has friends making fun of others not present.</p>

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<p>I would not think that a school’s anti-bullying policy would only cover protected-status issues like race or religion. After all, if your niece was being bullied because she was bad at sports, or because the kids thought she was funny-looking, there’s no state law protecting those characteristics, but bullying is still bullying!</p>

<p>However, I agree with the others that it’s up to the parents here to protect their child. I understand they’re scrambling to make ends meet, but if their child is feeling bullied at school, that could affect her grades, her mental health, and (not to get too alarmist) her entire future. They need to step up. Are they just not taking this seriously? Also I can’t believe that even if grandma is conservative, she would think it’s okay for her granddaughter to be bullied because of her gay aunts. </p>

<p>The parents need to go to the principal and say this is happening and that it doesn’t matter if it’s perceived as a political or controversial issue, the school needs to make it clear to the kids that name-calling is not okay. Lots of schools have anti-bullying programs where trained counselors will come in and talk to the different classes, organize role-playing, etc. One particularly successful tactic is getting kids to role-play what they would do if they saw someone else being bullied. No kid ever thinks that what they’re doing is bullying, so it doesn’t help much to say “don’t bully other kids!” But it does help a lot to get “bystanders” to practice intervening, even just speaking up and saying “that’s not cool” or “I don’t think you should say that to Susie/Johnny.”</p>

<p>Again, this is not for you to undertake, but another thing the parents could do is teach your niece to stand up for herself. This is particularly hard when it’s older kids, but at least they could give her some stock answers to give when kids say something. If a kid says “God doesn’t like your aunts,” she can say “God loves everybody.” However, the best reply to any taunting comment is probably still the ever-popular “who cares what you think?” Or, more politely, “so what?” </p>

12

<p>

The fault is with hateful people spreading hate, not with you. Your niece A is pretty young, but does she like Taylor Swift? I think her new song “Shake It Off” has an awesome message and an awesome video, and I’m not exactly a fan in general.</p>

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<p>I think you should report the bullying to the principal (there is no downside to doing this), report it to A’s parents, and directly suggest to A that she report the bullying to her teachers. That is all you can do about it, other than be A’s friend. </p>

14

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<ol>
<li>There is no reason why you should not inform the principal, and you should make it clear that you have the parents’ permission to do so.</li>
<li>You should not expect to hear what’s being done, except through the parents, because you are not the parents and there are confidentiality standards.</li>
<li>It is not your fault. </li>
</ol>

15

<p>This is a difficult issue to address, because bullying, taunting, name calling are all on going problems. It’s not like you can call the school and it’s straightened out. If you and your spouse were the parents, it would involve staying on top of the situation, visiting the school, the classroom, talking to the teachers, assessing the atmosphere there and making decisions that way. You can’t do that. She’s not your child, that’s not what you can do, and you could start up issues that the child who is too young to handle, and the parents just too overwhelmed and not do anyone any favors. </p>

<p>You should assess what kind of school this is. Are there ANY same sex parents at the school, teachers, how is the entire gay marriage, issue of being gay being addressed there, if at all? Is this a truly “red” district, it may not be the time to make a stand on this unless you are willing to make it your mission. A drive by shot is just going to cause more problems. If it’s a more progressive area, perhaps you can inform the principal, the counselor AFTER you discuss this with the parents. It’s their call , because they and their child have to live with the consequences of any action you take. This may not be a fight they want to take on.</p>

<p>No, it’s not your fault at all, and it’s a shame this happened. Hate letting this sort of bigotry go, but do you really want to put this on a 5 year old and already too busy parents who don’t want to deal with this.? This sort of thing, by the way, comes up all of the time when one is raising children. When to intervene, when to talk to the school, the teacher, let the kid handle it by self, take the kid out that environment, let it go, make it a crusade. There have been times when I was ready to swing by to deal with things and my kids didn’t want the fuss, so I let it go, as they were the ones on the front line each day, not I. </p>

<p>My friend jumped on some issues when her DD was bullied, and thought it was all settled. The girls in the class ostrisized the DD for most to the year, and the moms colluded. Left her out of invites. It was a tough time, and my friend decided to put her DD in a private school, something they really could ill afford then, because it was really affecting her daughter badly. Would it have gotten to that point had the mom not so intervened? Don’t know. It’s not just the kids in a class that one is dealing with on a lot of issues but the parents, and they are often very cruel. </p>