Not happy and considering an extreme decision

Transfer Students
1

<p>I've been reading these forums for a long time, ever since high school in fact. With the aid of these forums, I transferred just this semester from University of Missouri--Columbia to Rice University.</p>

<p>About half the semester is over, and all in all I've found the experience exceptionally overwhelming and depressing. Academically, it was a great decision, but I've realized that I've made absolutely no actual friends here, only acquaintances whom I occasionally eat with. I'm quite shy, but I assure you I have tried my hardest to make friends--in the end I think I'm just not quite outgoing enough to successfully complete the social transition involved in transferring to a school at which you know nobody in the middle of the year.</p>

<p>I'm really unhappy here, but I have the ability to make everything to back to the way it was next semester. I could resume study at MU complete with my old scholarships. I would once again be in the company of all my friends, and home would be a 2 hour drive away, not a 14 hour drive. Academically, it would be a sacrifice, but I think I'd be happier.</p>

<p>I'm so desperate I'm considering quitting this semester and going home next weekend in order to mentally recoup. I've got a summer research position at Penn State, so I wouldn't at home with nothing to do for too long, just until the end of the semester.</p>

<p>This is obviously an extreme decision, and I haven't even spoken to my parents about it (but I'm fairly sure they would support me--they trust that I wouldn't make a decision like this unless I felt I really, really needed to), but I'm afraid if I stay here longer I'm going to slip into actual depression, not just unhappiness, and it seems to me that it might be worth the sacrifice of going home if it means preventing true depression from coming on.</p>

<p>I can also tell that I'm beginning to get very burnt out of school--and this is very bad since I have aspirations of going to graduate school--but I have no doubt this is due to the stress of taking very difficult courses while simultaneously moving very far from home for the first time and struggling immensely with making new genuine friendships. I'm confident this wouldn't have happened if I hadn't transferred.</p>

<p>I'm coming here for advice. How stupid is this idea? There's a lot more that I'm not writing here, but I think this is enough.</p>

2

<p>Join clubs or student organizations. you will make friends in no time</p>

3

<p>I agree with the post below me,try joining some clubs or student activities. Join clubs in which you’re interested in, and you might find yourself having a nice time and meeting new people. Get involved.
Talk to a psychologist or counselor at your school,you might feel better when you have someone to talk to, and he/she may be able to give you great advice.
If you try everything, and it does not work out,then you should go where you’re happiest. I personally think that you should wait until the end of semester before dropping out, that way you can finish your courses and apply for transfer without withdrawing from your courses.
If you can, try going home for spring break or something and spending time with your family instead of dropping out all together. I just really think you should give it one last shot, and you only have a few months left. Even though you’re emotionally drained and unhappy try to focus on your grades and transferring out instead of just transferring. Talk to an academic counselor and your parents and see what they say, and make sure that it is 100% possible to go back to your old university.
I know it is annoying sometimes when people give you advice and they don’t fully understand the situation that you’re in or how miserable you are,but I went to a couple different schools and a couple different colleges so I kind of know what you’re going through,because I’m a shy person as well, and sometimes it is really hard to make friends.
You can PM anytime if you want to talk or you want advice or anything. I wish you the best of luck!</p>

4

<p>Stick it out for the rest of the semester. Even if it’s a thousand times worse than having your teeth pulled out sans novocain, quitting a place mid-semester is just NOT a good idea. If you stay, and you still feel the same after the semester, you’ll know that you gave it all you had. If you leave now, you may wonder someday if you just didn’t give it enough of a chance. You’ll feel stronger and more sure of yourself if you stay. </p>

<p>If I were in your shoes (and oh, believe me the amount of times I’ve wanted to just curl up in a ball on my weekends home and never go back to my university), if I left now, I’d feel that I was giving up, and that is just not something my personality can handle. </p>

<p>If you really and truly cannot take one more minute - leave. But if there is ANY possible way you think you can make it through the rest of the semester, then tough it out and stay. No one will be able to say that you didn’t give it enough of a chance after that.</p>

<p>Good luck.</p>

5

<p>Are you depressed? Anxious? Maybe, you should consider talking with someone at Student Health services?? Some of the counselors/therapists can be immeasurably helpful. As well, you talk about being burned out; is it possible that you merely need a semester off not, necessarily, to transfer from Rice??</p>

<p>I would encourage you to talk to someone, especially since you allude to there being a lot more than you are writing here.</p>

<p>Best of luck to you. New situations can be hard, especially when coupled with the rigors of schoolwork.</p>

6

<p>I actually just got back here from spring break, which I spent at home with my family and friends. It was the experience of going back home that made me realize that the relationships I have here aren’t friendships–they’re just “working relationships” or acquaintances. As I made the shift of being in the company of friends for a week to being here again, I realized that I’m not sure being here is worth the effort.</p>

<p>One of the problems is that I actually don’t have any time for clubs. I find that I spend almost all my time studying or doing homework–out of necessity. The “issue” is that I’ve managed to reach graduate math courses as a sophomore, and suffice it to say they’re a lot of work.</p>

<p>I was able to handle this emotionally just fine at my old school because I already had good friendships formed, and when I really needed a break I could head on home for a weekend, for instance. I’m finding it’s really hard to keep up my old academic performance and standards and develop a new social life simultaneously–in fact, it’s not possible.</p>

<p>To be clear, it’s not the workload itself that’s getting me but rather the need to do all this work and develop a social life at once. I just don’t have time for both, so it seems if I stay here I’m going to either be just stellar academically but have almost no social life (i.e., I won’t be happy) or I could have a social life but not keep up to my academic standards. The thing is that in the latter case what was the point of coming here in the first place when I could have stayed at my old school and had both stellar academic performance and a tight-knit group of friends? The whole idea of transferring was that I’d take even more advanced coursework here, etc. In this plan I failed to take into account the human element, the necessity of developing a new social life.</p>

<p>I’m going to talk to my parents tomorrow to see what they think. I doubt I’m actually going to quit early this semester, but it’s possible I won’t return here next semester. I’m actually considering a slightly less extreme version of what I proposed earlier: dropping one or two classes, staying here with less than a full load, and using the extra time to try to develop socially here in a way that I can’t with my current intense course schedule. There are subtle issues involved in this, though, not the least of them being that I may not retain my financial aid here if I have fewer than 15 credit hours.</p>

<p>Edit:</p>

<p>I don’t believe I’m depressed, but I’m unhappy with my situation and the unhappiness seems to be escalating with time.</p>

7

<p>Friendships take some time to develop, so it is perfectly reasonable for you to only have acquaintances at this point. Choose two or three of those acquaintances, and make a point of having lunch/dinner/coffee with each of them at least once a week if not every day. This will allow your relationship to develop naturally over time.</p>

<p>Do any of your courses have study groups? If not, could you start one? Since you are taking graduate level courses, find out where the grad students in your department hang out. They may even have a coffee pot and fridge full of snacks hidden in their office.</p>

<p>You are adjusting to a whole new environment, and a lot of what you are experiencing comes under the heading of culture shock. You are likely to go through at least some of this again during your internship this summer. Do yourself a favor, and pick up a copy of “The Art of Crossing Cultures” by Craig Storti. In this book, he presents specific strategies for helping yourself adapt to new environments. And yes, moving from one university to another can be as disruptive as moving from one country to another. Read the book, try the techniques, see if they help.</p>

<p>You are half-way through this semester. Finish it. Go to your summer internship. While you are there, think through some of your life goals. If you decide to take a semester or year off it is OK. My advice would be to start that leave from formal education calmly in the fall, rather than in a panic right now.</p>

<p>Wishing you all the best.</p>

8

<p>I would definitely put yourself through whatever it takes to finish the semester out. Among other reasons, your opportunity for the summer may disappear if you don’t. </p>

<p>I was homesick one semester in my first undergrad experience - my best friend dropped out, I broke up with my boyfriend and my family was going through difficult times(my mom recovering from having a tumor removed from her spine and my dad losing his job,) all around the same time in my freshman year. I dropped a course that semester, and I’ve regretted doing that ever since. Try to just keep your head focused on your goals and if you’re busy enough, you won’t have time to think about all the things that have you down. It may feel like forever now, but in the long run, the short period remaining in the semester will seem like nothing. </p>

<p>Good for you on getting so far ahead in your academic pursuits! You obviously have a lot going for you and I hope you don’t let the struggles of your transition overwhelm that. If it’s starting to do that, you might want to follow the advise above to check into Rice’s student services. I hope you can find time at least on the weekend or in between classes to get to know those acquaintances better or meet some new people!!</p>

<p>Best of Luck!</p>

9

<p>Thank you very much for your kind replies.</p>

<p>

</p>

<p>I wish so much that I could as well, but I had difficulty finding time even over spring break. </p>

<p>In fact, I was so desperate for an actual break over my spring break that I postponed some of the work so that I could actually spend some time with friends and family. This was an extremely bad decision, and its effects are now cascading out of control. Because of this critical error, my grades in several courses are going to suffer quite a bit. (For the first time ever, I have not been able to complete work on time, work that counts for a large portion of the grade.)</p>

<p>In a sense, everything that could have went wrong with this transfer process has went wrong–although I was initially doing poorly socially but well academically, this mistake has changed this status: I’m now doing poorly both socially and academically. I’m not so sure it’s not in my best interest to attempt this anew next semester in the company of good friends.</p>

<p>There’s a little more to this than I’ve written here. In all honesty, about a year ago I became obsessed with academic perfection. I wanted to go to a prestigious undergraduate school and I wanted to go to a prestigious graduate school. I transferred here because it was a great school and it offered what I wanted in terms of academics, but the whole goal, to be utterly honest, was to make it into a place like Princeton for graduate school. I’ve been placing immense pressure on myself to realize this goal ever since it materialized about a year ago, and to me my current “breakdown” represents the naivete of this goal, and I see taking the rest of the semester off as an opportunity to significantly reevaluate my goals.</p>

<p>I gave up a lot–all my friendships, for instance–to come here and pursue this dream of going to Princeton or Harvard for mathematics graduate school, but I’m understanding now more than ever how silly this dream really is, and now that the dream is deflating so are my reasons for being here instead of at my old school with friends.</p>

<p>You make a very good point about the summer research position; this is something I’ll need to look into.</p>

10

<p>Tomorrow, be at the door of the student counseling office as soon as it opens. Talk to the people there. You may be able to rescue this term by taking an Incomplete in one or more of your classes. If you are truly miserable, and headed into a mental/emotional crisis, a Medical Leave Of Absence might be in order. The counseling office can help you consider all of your options.</p>

11

<p>Well, something very positive and helpful has happened just now, and it alleviates the academic problems I was alluding to earlier. It turns out a particularly gruesome due date was a typo!</p>

<p>This has raised my spirit enough that I’m going to try to finish the semester.</p>

12

<p>Have you raised your spirits back into the social life at your current new school?</p>

13

<p>It’s not clear at this time how that’s going to turn out. This typo just relieved a lot of stress, but it’s not going to help me integrate socially.</p>

<p>I would still love to more or less jump out of here and take a break from academics for the rest of the semester, but I’m having a really hard time justifying it when I’m already half-way through the semester and one of the most stressful things right now turned out to be a very unfortunate typo.</p>

<p>At the same time, I know leaving and taking a break would more than anything let me finally loosen up and stop caring so much about academics. I imagine it would be a huge relief.</p>

14

<p>This is the second time I’ve withdrawn from school. This semester I don’t think there was really a choice. I’d rather have all my teeth pulled than stay at school. </p>

<p>I’m not sure if it was the right choice or not though. Right now I’m happy, but contact me in a couple years.</p>

15

<p>I’ve thought about this issue a lot more and I’ve spoken to my father about this, who understands me more than probably anybody else.</p>

<p>I’m definitely going to be staying here. We did some calculations and my academic situation, thanks to that blessed typo, is not nearly as dire as I thought. It’s amazing how strongly emotions can skew logic and rationality.</p>

<p>That said, I’m going to go see a counselor in person whenever I get some time. A true emotional breakdown has been averted for now, but I want to make sure it doesn’t happen again in the future–without taking the (rest of the) semester off.</p>

<p>Thanks very much to all who have offered comments and advice.</p>

16

<p>Very rational decision (not surprising since you’re a math major) on your part.</p>

<p>I’m sure that you will make some friends, but you have to put forth the effort. As others in this thread have stated, join clubs. This is one of the easiest ways to make friends. Once you are in these clubs, find some people who you share common interests with, get their numbers, and hang out with them outside of the club. The same goes for your classes.</p>