Not the kid I dropped off

I agree with @Creekland that this is not caused by a class or a college.

If he has been brainwashed, it is by an influential individual or group.

Like impressionable young people who join a cult. Or extremist group. Or gang. Or the Manson family. It usually has to do with yearning to belong somewhere and find a “tribe.”

If it somehow were solely the influence of the school, that influence should fade quickly post-graduation.

But I don’t think we know enough to know whether he is under the spell of a group of “friends” or whether this is a more personal struggle he is having.

7 Likes

No disagreement from me. I think that at his university (leaders who had already navigated their college experience) and their approach to “leveling the playing field” created an environment where one class/group of people were marginalized AND that was OK. 18 year olds are impressionable and want to fit in with their peer groups. It is a natural time to find some distance between themselves and family. But when colleges do not balance the message, appreciate that ALL people contribute to the community, and pick winners/losers well he ended up being the loser. Perhaps it was because he was immature or other things… I do not know but it makes me very sad obviously.

2 Likes

Are you comfortable sharing the college? Totally understandable if not!

I do wonder if your son’s views will change now that he’s out of the college bubble. When did he graduate? While in his college environment he may have been marginalized, there are plenty of places where being an affluent white male is viewed as a positive and is the majority of the workplace. What field is he working in now?

Did I miss what school we are talking about that OP’a son attended?

1 Like

I don’t think it’s been shared- I just asked which school if OP is comfortable sharing.

1 Like

@bluedog23 , I meant that you ask him about books that YOU could read (if you are open to it), it would show him that you would like to learn more about what he is working through. I guess though, from reading the thread, it hasn’t been established that he is reacting to things he learned from a class or books himself.

I’m sorry to hear about that kind of demonstration…it sounds like exactly the kind of thing that just divides and does not do anything to address the problem or to educate. Being privileged (as in one’s race or gender) is not controllable clearly and not the problem. Being unaware of the effects of it, or rather unaware of the issues that face those without one’s particular privilege, is.

6 Likes

How can there not be? Heck, the college essay rewards the best explanation of overcoming adversity. Kids these days are encouraged to find the ways they don’t fit in and then identify and define themselves as such. Those kids who haven’t had to overcome major adversity in their lives or don’t identify as belonging to an underrepresented group now believe there is something wrong with them as a result . It’s confusing and causes them guilt for factors over which they have no control. Stability and an upbringing free of trauma are vilified. It boggles the mind.

21 Likes

I agree, at least some of his friends appear to be very privileged. My first thought is that money itself is not the issue, some other form of privilege is bothering him. Very tough situation, I hope that he does eventually accept your lov and support.

1 Like

Unfortunately, this isn’t isolated to universities. It now permeates our many parts of our society and culture and exposure to it begins at very young ages.

I’m so so sorry for your situation! I sincerely hope your son finds his way back to you and your family and appreciates what a gift family is as he matures into adulthood.

We had numerous discussions with our son, in particular, over the years (he just graduated in May 2021) about these issues. Fortunately he was a CS major and had a close friend group that didn’t bother with this school of thought.

Wishing you peace and patience!

4 Likes

I purposely did not share the university. It is Liberal Arts (not Ivy League), he majored in engineering, and it is routinely top 10-15 in USNWR. When he first looked at the school they prided themselves on happy students…

2 Likes

What toxic fallacies are you referring to?

Which is probably a lot less privilege than the majority of undergraduate students at an elite private college had before starting college. Seems like there is more to the story than what he seems to be telling that seems inconsistent with his background and elite private colleges.

4 Likes

I think success and privilege are being interchanged. He came from a successful family that got that way through lots of hard work and sacrifice. He and his siblings are the beneficiaries of that success but as I said earlier it was not handed to us.

10 Likes

I agree with everything @Creekland has written. I do not agree with cutting him off financially or any other way.

Your position in this situation is to keep on demonstrating your constant, unchanging, unconditional, steady love for him. It’s a long game. It takes two to agree to sever a connection. Just keep the connection open on your end and don’t hang up the phone, as it were. Don’t push, but just be steady with your love and connection. Send him a text with a picture of the family dog or invite him when you go visit grandma.

If he is willing to talk more about his concerns about being brought up with white male privilege acknowledge his concerns and ask him what you can do to educate yourself and how you can help. Does he have a particular cause or charity he supports? Do you have a particular cause or charity you support? Show interest in his concern, but do not fight about it. Do not get defensive. Only approach from a place of wanting to learn more about how he feels.

I think your steady love and interest will bring him back, but it may take a long time. That’s okay. Kids separate from their parents. He may not call every week and you don’t need to try to call him every week, but shoot him text from time to time. He may not reply, but he might read them if they are not trying to argue or tell him what to do.

They are supposed to grow and learn and change and definitely are not supposed to be the same kid you dropped off freshman year, but steady support in the background can go a long way to keeping that connection alive.

13 Likes

Just restating that it’s not the college’s fault when this happens. I see students go to a ton of different schools and about half of them are white males. Even those who choose the most liberal places don’t end up thinking they’re a piece of cwap because of their gender or race. Most of our college bound don’t have to write about adversities they’ve overcome either and they still get accepted places, many times with good scholarships. I’ve actually seen more problems come from students who go to heavily Greek places if that’s not their thing or who go to small schools and don’t fit with the vibe of the school. Many times it’s sports (being on a team) or money that draw them to the wrong school for them.

And for my son, his brainwashing experience came from a conservative Christian college, but I certainly don’t blame the college.

In this situation if I had to place blame, it would be on the friend group chosen. He feels the need to fit in and they write the script for how it happens.

8 Likes

Interesting

My kid goes to an “elite” institution as well. I read some of the syllabus for classes they took in psychology and even in writing. There is so much CRT and other “progressive” ideology woven into these subjects. Psychology also is currently very much focused on childhood “trauma” - and things parents should or should not do/say. However, when you read some of the material presented - a parent would have to be absolutely perfect to not ever do/say some of the things. The expectations are now so far beyond what is humanly possible, which we all know as parents how very difficult this can be to always react perfectly as a parent. But the students are taught that basically so many things you did as a parent (many of which were straight out of the parenting books I read 20 years ago btw) - were actually “harmful,” The fact that you parented in this way even though it was the advice given at the time, makes you therefore complicit with institutional racism/classism/sexism and a multitude of other societal ills and so you are the problem. This includes things such as treating everyone the same regardless of economic situation, focusing on the character of a person -rather than their skin color, building self-esteem through participation in certain activities/sports ect ect.
Yes, I agree - parents are now being made the scapegoats of all of one’s problems. This is just one of the many ways this ideology is used to weaken the family unit in order to push certain political structures.

14 Likes

I definitely agree with you that there is more to this specific situation, and it is not the college’s fault necessarily.

I do think some colleges are much more focused on activism and attract more people who are interested and involved in that, just like some colleges are more Greek, or known for big sports, or more conservative, etc. If you are not comfortable in a certain type of environment, that is good to know, especially in smaller college where there may not be as many peers. I think that is something to consider in terms of “fit”.

This school may not have been the right fit for OP’s son- however, there are people who get through a college that isn’t a good fit for them without estranging themselves from their family, so I think this is deeper than just the college and I agree there may be someone/s in the son’s life, other mental issues, possibly a relationship- I don’t think the OP has the full story, and neither do we.

6 Likes

He’s on many, many campuses just to wound folks up so they do something to get arrested. He’s bern on 3 of my kids’ campuses this year alone.

I agree with Creekland that this is not caused by a class or a college. If he has been brainwashed, it is by an influential individual or group.

I disagree. Many colleges now have a diversity requirement and while some course descriptions sound interesting I can see where some could be misused by people with an agenda. During my eldest’s first semester of college (at a public university) the message he and his friends got was that they were supposed to feel guilty for being white males. I don’t know if that was the intent, but it was what they all took away from it. I think colleges should encourage students to interact with and learn about people from many different backgrounds, not cause division and mistrust based on race and gender.

One of my sisters went through a program at her job similar to the one described here. I wonder if this is what some of the college diversity programs are trying to do.

The program encourages employees to read an article titled, “White America, if you want to know who’s responsible for racism, look in the mirror.” The article, written by Dahleen Glanton, says: “White people, you are the problem. Regardless of how much you say you detest racism, you are the sole reason it has flourished for centuries.” It adds that “American racism is a uniquely white trait” and that “Black people cannot be racist.”

The program at my sister’s job consisted of a bunch of exercises whose sole point seemed to be to make participants feel guilty for being white. I think these programs are misguided. You don’t raise people up by pushing others down.

I suspect your son has been surrounded by people who have been filling his head with these type of ideas. Telling someone that they’re not worthy is mental abuse. If a romantic partner talked to him this way and tried to separate him from your family you wouldn’t cut him off. I wouldn’t do it in this situation either. You want to encourage him to come home, so I wouldn’t speak negatively about him or his friends. (It sounds like his self esteem isn’t very high, so talking negatively about his friends is a reflection of his poor judgment in choosing them.) It might help if you got counseling or at least read up on mental abuse to learn some strategies for dealing with it.

16 Likes