Not the kid I dropped off

Parents Forum
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@bluedog23, I am so sorry to hear about this situation. It is not easy, and hopefully things will improve over time as he matures and realizes that he will always be loved by you. Others, like @Creekland and @Sweetgum, have given some excellent advice.

As others have said, there is an excellent chance that this had nothing to do with the college attended. It could be related to the friend group, something found on the internet, mental health issues, or some other person/entity that is influential and has led OPā€™s son down his current path. The syllabus that included Dahleen Glantonā€™s column may have been read as a discussion point for construction/deconstruction, not necessarily being presented as gospel. But, in an intellectually rigorous environment, people would hopefully read beyond the clickbait title to see that the jist of the article is that white people have traditionally decried overtly racist behavior and then gone back to live their lives as normal. I sincerely hope that is not such a radical idea that people would feel the need to avoid a university, or types of universities, due to that, which is a feeling that I am getting from several posts in this thread.

It is heartbreaking when we see our child hurting, and even more hurtful when our child makes us a scapegoat for all of their problems. Hopefully the connection between your son and your family will be strengthened again and the family can feel united in love and comfort of each other soon.

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Just to be clear, I donā€™t think a class that challenges your beliefs is a reason to avoid a university. I think it can be good to be exposed to different viewpoints and beliefs in college. However, there are some schools that are more known for activism and having a lot of people passionate about social justice. That isnā€™t an environment where everyone is comfortable, just like a highly conservative, religious school isnā€™t a place where everyone is comfortable. That is why I think itā€™s important to try to assess fit by talking to current students, checking out campus newspapers/student websites, etc.

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It is not just college courses or programs. I am doing a year of Americorps. All I wanted was to tutor math (and 4th and 5th graders at that). I have to do hours and hours of training telling me how privileged I am, how I have to use the language THEY find acceptable, that I have to be out actively fighting racism (and EVERYTHING is included in racism, including actual race, LBGTQ++++, religion, nationality) or that Iā€™m the problem, that Iā€™m the racist.

I would have left the program but I really like the kids and the school Iā€™m at. I HATE Friday mornings as I have to do a zoom call and listen to how white, privileged, and racially horrible I am for 2 hours. Iā€™ve heard over and over that I canā€™t possibly understand the suffering ā€˜theyā€™ have all experienced. No matter the topic, Iā€™m on the wrong side of it just because Iā€™m white, straight and will re-write the sentence to make the pronouns grammatically correct (Iā€™ll use any pronoun they want, the sentence just has to be grammatically correct). I now just turn on the zoom call, shut off the audio and video, and find something else to do - ironing, cleaning out a drawer, reading the paper. Luckily, I have a lot of cleaning to do.

The sad thing is that Iā€™m old and I can make my own decisions but many people in the program are 18 to 25. They are drinking this all up. They are trying to make career decisions.

The guy Iā€™m working with is gay, biracial, non-religious, young, and wicked smart. He also grew up in a very privileged family and he knows that, but doesnā€™t think he needs to reject his family or the privileges he received from them. He agrees that the training is way over the top and not helpful. He also agrees that they have outright called me a racist several times (before I learned to zoom out and do my cleaning). After a 2 hour zoom of how we shouldnā€™t even mention Christmas at school because there might be someone at the school who doesnā€™t celebrate(there definitely are as a good number of our students are Muslim) and heaven forbid we actually try to be inclusive and not deny that Christmas is even taking place, he took to calling it ā€˜the Season that shall not be named.ā€™

To the OP, I think your son did get bombarded with this day after day and he drank the Kool-aid. I think heā€™ll have more and more training in his new career (especially if he works for the government or a large company as an engineer). Maybe at some point heā€™ll find some balance, admit that he had SOME privileges, but so did a few others heā€™s working with. Heā€™ll want to be picked for a project and recognize that he deserve to be picked not because heā€™s white and male but because he can do the job, that he has the skills and deserves to be picked on his own merits.

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OP, Iā€™m so sorry. This sounds so difficult!

I am encouraged that you got Christmas together ā€“ you are still in each otherā€™s lives. A friend once suggested that each conversation, text, letter, get-together be framed in your head as an "invitation ". Continue to open the door to a fuller relationship and make it clear you are open to that. And when you invitation isnā€™t accepted, you know there will be another.

Also keep in mind that people often re-invent their pasts to make whatever they are feeling now more comfortable. Sometimes itā€™s a sibling who has a totally different recollection of events (often factual differences) of shared events. It may be a spouse of 30 years who now says they never were happy or felt love for the other. Without a different fact pattern, they canā€™t reconcile where they are.

Iā€™ve known exceptionally wealthy people who went out of their way to hide their backgrounds so that they would be seen for themselves. (Easier pre-internet, btw.) Maybe a loving family who tried to make the most of themselves makes your son ā€œnot fitā€.

It sounds like you are trying to meet him on his terms and let him know your love is unwavering. Just hang in there. Hopefully heā€™ll get it sooner rather than later.

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This is the program that my sisterā€™s job used. I think some colleges (or college professors) are using it. It sounds like the strategies a cult would use, so strategies for deprogramming might be helpful. Iā€™d take a close look at the collegeā€™s requirements to see if you can pinpoint where it came from. If itā€™s an organized class you might be able to get the books they used. At least then youā€™d know what youā€™re dealing with.

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Let me share his first workshop/orientation at college. Not sure what the exact title was but it was all about privilege.
He and 30 or so other students went to an hour session, were given a jar, bag of marbles (could have been gummy bears I cannot remember what he told me), and a worksheet with various categories with ā€œpoint values.ā€
Examples: Male= 2 marbles, Female=1 marble, straight or gay, divorced or married parents, financial college aid or family paying the bill, apartment or house etc. etc. so the jar started filling up. Once everyone was finished, those with full jars were asked to stand up and be recognized for having the most privilege. The instructor then went on to denigrate the more privileged kids and basically apologize to the other students who were not so fortunate. Well as you can imagine an 18 year old, first time away from home, trying to make friends and acclimate; and now he was just embarrassed and humiliated. No questions on the worksheet about how he and his high school friends made sure that none of the girls in their friend group missed prom because they did not have dates, or the times he stayed after-school to help classmates finish projects, or the friend he spent a semester with teaching to play the guitar or ā€¦ Mind you none of the things he did for others did he ever brag about. Parents, teachers, and school administrators made it a point to tell us. And I am sure most of the kids in that privilege class probably had similar characteristicsā€¦ but no one would know.
At the end of his story I asked how he felt walking out and how the other people felt. His answerā€¦ No ONE felt good about themselves; either felt shame or resentment. Shame and resentment are not very good motivators.

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My son and I visited a large state flagship for an open house, attended lectures on majors, housing, dining, did a walking tour, etc. We attended an informational lecture given by the college (Natural Sciences, Liberal Arts, Engineeringā€¦) that housed his major. The professor giving the talk was white and his exact words were ā€œWhite men like me are a dying breed in this college, and thatā€™s a good thing.ā€
He did not apply to that university.

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Some peopleā€™s reaction to injustice is to try and craft a more just society. Others reaction is to keep it as injust, but to change who is on top and who is on the bottom.

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Meaning beliefs, behaviors, and toxic relationships that would cause grades to fall and lead do an eventual dysfunctional adulthood.

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The conversations about racism and injustice have a necessary place in higher education. Most students are able to have those discussions without alienating their families, regardless of their privilege, or if the conversations make them feel uncomfortable.

I think there is something else going on with this student.

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My sonā€™s college did something similar at orientation, except the students werenā€™t as heavily criticized at the end. Theirs was take a step forward/backward type of situation. I donā€™t think it extended beyond that at his school, but I do think CRT is being used more extensively at others. None of the students in his group felt good about themselves afterward either.

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This was a good exercise and teaching how to recognize privilege, but thatā€™s where it should end. Kids cannot help what color or gender they are born, whether their parents have gotten divorced, what the family finances are, etc. An exercise like that is to bring awareness and education, not to purposefully cause shame or resentment. Its no surprise that many peopleā€™s first reaction to being called out as ā€œprivilegedā€ is to feel defensive, because we are all coming with different definitions of that word. It does not mean being born into some rich family with all opportunities laid out for you. In terms of white privilege, it simply means someone was born with white skin, or passes as white, and that there are societal benefits to that. Period.

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Iā€™m sorry to hear this has been difficult for you. To me, I can say that it is a good thing that you are at least hurt by this. I know it sounds weird, but plenty of parents would just be angry and essentially throw any relationship out of the window without trying. This does not sound like an institutional issue- in my opinion. Someone has probably caused this, and the institution possibly fed it. I am not putting the blame on you, but I have known people who pulled away from their parents for individual reasons and essentially ā€œliedā€ about what actually caused them to remove themselves. I know itā€™s going to sound a little weird, but reassure your son you will love and support him as a person no matter what. Plenty of children remove themselves from their families if they believe they have an opposing view that may get them booted from the family- a leave before you get left sort of thing. Your son may have a different religious sect now, a discovered sexuality, identity, etc. Sounds like a reach to you maybe, but you never know what your son has discovered while he has been away. I would echo what others have said, but the main point is that your son probably has something underlying and school may have provoked it. Not trying to attack you, but he may not agree with something you guys did as parents, or a view you have, or a way you have treated him. I think the best way to solve it is to let him know that you want to know what happened, that you wonā€™t be angry, that you simply want to understand how to fix anything that you specifically caused or did. If there isnā€™t anything, ask your son why you, his parents, are being punished for things you cannot change. I agree with @1Lotus, perhaps giving back to your community and showing him you use your privilege is something that could help.

I hate to say it as well, but it may just be his friends. If he is more aggressive or easily provoked, or even just ā€œsensitiveā€, I wouldnā€™t rule out some sort of mental exhaustion, situational anxiety/depression, or even something like addiction. Not trying to assume, but college can be a bad place with the wrong crowd, and your son may be really struggling with something as unfortunate as that. Keep being concerned, talking to him, caring, and actively trying to bond/fix your relationship.

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No. It was an exercise that immediately divided students by color making some pointed at as the privileged and the rest as victims. Neither of which is true. It only teaches stereotypes of the worst kind. Weā€™ve spent years trying to become ā€œcolor blindā€ and CRT teaches the exact opposite. The problem here is that this is not a limited open debate discussion among adults (I do agree that debate is good) but this is not a debateā€“it is taught as truth.

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The instructor then went on to denigrate the more privileged kids and basically apologize to the other students who were not so fortunate.

An exercise like that is to bring awareness and education, not to purposefully cause shame or resentment. Its no surprise that many peopleā€™s first reaction to being called out as ā€œprivilegedā€ is to feel defensiveā€¦

How is a program that denigrates 18-year-olds in front of their new classmates not supposed to cause shame or resentment? Calling people ā€œdefensiveā€ is dismissive and invalidates the feelings of the young people who are being purposely embarrassed by the officials of their colleges. What right do colleges have to ā€œcall outā€ teenagers?

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This makes things more clear, but I cannot be the only one so confused about the situation now. So, he told you this, but then started removing himself? Did he tell you this and then add ā€œnow, I donā€™t feel comfortable talking to youā€? Did he mention this as trying to start a conversation on inclusivity/diversity/privilege and then you had an issue with it or shut him down? Did he tell you and was upset and then started removing himself?

Not trying to assume or attack at all. Just wondering what exactly had him tell you this.

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A (not) small point to add to the conversation - none of what is being described on this thread is CRT.

CRT is a niche legal theory taught only in law schools. Most of what is being discussed in these ancedotes is anti-racism or anti-white supremacy work.

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I see things a bit different, maybe because my older brother has been estranged for about 7 years now and Iā€™m over it.
I would not coddle this young man with asking what books can I read, how can I better see your point etc. These parents need not be ashamed of their life and successes.
Sure, continue to communicate, reach out etc but donā€™t apologize for working hard and providing.

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No. It started as a niche theory in law school. But has expanded exponentially.

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